238. Is Using Your Parent’s Money For Dementia Respite Care The Right thing To Do

Is Using Your Parent’s Money For Dementia Respite Care The Right Thing To Do

As a Christian caregiver, you may feel torn between honoring your aging parent and taking care of yourself. The guilt runs deep—especially when it comes to spending your parent’s money on paid care.

In Episode 238, we hear from Jamila, an only child caring for her 96-year-old mother. Her question is one many caregivers silently carry:
“Is it okay to use my mom’s money to hire help so I can take a break?”

The Guilt That Comes with Financial Decisions

Jamila’s struggle is one of love, responsibility, and guilt. She wants to be the one providing hands-on care. But she’s exhausted. She’s retired. And she’s doing it all on her own.
What’s stopping her from hiring help?
Guilt.

She’s hesitant to spend her mother’s money—even though she’s living with her mom, managing all the care, and sacrificing her own well-being.

Godly Wisdom vs. Martyrdom

Many Christian caregivers think that honoring their parents means doing it all themselves. But biblical honor doesn’t mean becoming a martyr.

💬 “Honoring your parent is stewarding both their needs and your responsibilities.”

God gave you resources to be used wisely, not hoarded out of fear or guilt. If your parent has financial means, using those resources to bring in help isn’t selfish—it’s stewardship. It helps you serve better, love longer, and protect your own health and peace.

A Practical and Biblical Approach

If you’re struggling with this same question, here’s what you can do:

💡 1. Explore Local Support Options
Check with your Area Agency on Aging. Many states have respite funds or low-cost programs for seniors with dementia. These can give you breathing room without financial strain.

💡 2. Talk to an Elder Care Attorney
Creating a caregiver contract allows you to be compensated for your care and set aside funds for paid help. It protects both you and your parent—and removes any fear of “doing the wrong thing.”

💡 3. Use Liquid Assets First
If your parent receives social security or pension, use that to pay for care. These funds won’t carry over after they pass—but your health and peace of mind will.

Final Encouragement: You’re Not Failing—You’re Being Faithful

Jamila left the conversation with clarity and peace. Not because her circumstances changed overnight, but because she realized she didn’t have to feel guilty anymore.

Christian caregiver, hear this:
👉 You are not dishonoring your parent by needing help.
👉 You are not selfish for using their resources to care for them well.
👉 You are not failing—you are faithfully stewarding what God has placed in your hands.

Join our monthly free workshop!

“How To Immediately Reduce Dementia Caregiver Overwhelm and Stress In 3 Easy Steps”

Transcript

Understanding Caregiver Honor

[0:00] Does honoring your aging parent mean sacrificing your own health, or should you protect their money at all costs? That is a heavy burden many Christian caregivers carry, but it is based on a misunderstanding of what honor really means. In this Dementia Caregiver Support episode, you’ll discover why faithful caregiving doesn’t mean doing it all by yourself, and why using your parents’.

[0:30] Resources for their care is wise stewardship and not being selfish. Christian caregivers often believe that loving and honoring a parent means saying yes to everything, even if it comes at the expense of their own health, their own peace, and their own family. But scripture teaches us that honoring parents isn’t about becoming a martyr.

Meeting Jamila

[0:55] It is about stewarding both their needs as well as your own responsibilities. Well, in this short section of an Ask the Dementia Coach question and answer session, you will meet Jamila. She is an only child caring for her 96-year-old mother. Here we tackle the deep-rooted guilt that many caregivers feel when it comes to spending their parents’ money on paid care. Together, we unpack why God provides the resources to be used and not to be hoarded, and how investing in caregiver support today can help both you and your parent flourish as long as God allows. Hey, Christian Care Companion, welcome to Dementia Caregiver Support for Christians, the podcast where I teach Bible-believing Christians how to think and respond differently during their caregiving journey.

[1:54] If you are a Christian spouse, an adult daughter living with dementia, and you want more peace, and you want to have no regrets after caregiving, and you want to provide better care, this podcast is for you.

[2:12] Here, we provide you with practical solutions. We give you hope and encouragement for your caregiving journey and provide you with recommendations that align with your Christian faith. Today, you’ll be getting a glimpse into a conversation from a recent Ask the Dementia Coach question and answer session. You, as well, can have an opportunity on April 24th to have this kind of support. The registration will open soon. But in the meantime, if you haven’t yet attended our free monthly workshop. The enrollment is now open for the April 12th workshop at 12 p.m. Eastern. This two-hour live and very interactive workshop is well worth your time. You will learn how to immediately decrease or reduce your caregiver overwhelm and stress in three easy steps. This workshop is designed to take you on a journey and will give you the very first step every caregiver does need in order to be a confident caregiver. The link is in the show notes or go to thinkdifferentdementia.com and register

Resources for Caregiving

[3:24] under the free resources tab. So let’s listen to today’s conversation with Jamila about providing for her needs as a caregiver as well as taking care of her 96-year-old mother at the same time. Let’s dive right in.

[3:42] Jamila, I’m so excited you were able to come. Thank you for being here. I have a question that I start everybody out with because it helps me to get everybody on the same page. So let’s say it is about six months from today and things are easier for you as a caregiver. What does that look like for you?

[4:03] I have more time to take a break. Okay. I have some people who can, you know, just have a break from each other. I’m a caregiver for my mom. Okay. And so I just think some time for myself would be good. Okay. Well, that is a very good insight and I love how you’re thinking. And so what is the biggest thing holding you back from achieving that, getting some time back? Is it knowing what to do or how to change things? Is it… Because your family’s not on the same page, not helping you? Or is it your own feelings of stress or guilt or overwhelm? What’s the thing holding you back from creating that time? I think it’s resources, where to find the help. Okay. So information. Where do people come from? I mean, I don’t have, I’m the only child, so I don’t have siblings. Okay. And so what are some of the resources I can tap into to make this happen? Okay. I think that is a very good question and And I’m so glad you’re here to ask it. So let me ask a couple of now I get to ask my clarification questions to better help you. Where do you live? Do you live here in the U.S.? Yes, I live in Chapel Hill, North Carolina. OK, North Carolina, not too far from me. And do you live with your mom? Yes, I live with me. You know, I love that you said that because I tell people I’m a recovering health care provider and it is always interesting.

[5:23] You know, sometimes I’ll say, does your mom live with you or do you live with your mom? than when people say, my mom lives with me, I know that it’s your home and your mom’s living with you, right? And if I know people, people say it in a different way. I know that it’s mom and dad’s home and the kids are living with her.

[5:43] It’s a very big, it’s a nuance, but it’s important. The mom lives with you. And how old is your mom? 96. Okay. And do you still work? I know that… I’m retired now. Okay. Retired. So your mom is on Medicare, correct? Yes. Does she have Medicaid? No, she doesn’t. She’s just on Medicare. She doesn’t qualify for Medicaid. All right. So a couple of, do you guys go to church? No. My mom, I shouldn’t say no. Mom has, you know, she’s not moped. And I moved her down here from Washington, D.C. about three years ago. And so what we do on Sunday mornings, we watch her church service from D.C. On TV. She goes to church, though. Yeah, no, I 100%. She will, you know, she thinks she’s that church, but she really isn’t. She’s, you know what I’m saying? But it’s her church. It’s her church. It’s her minister. You know, so I plug her in that way. Okay. We worship service that way. Before your mom came and moved in with you, were you plugged into a local congregation?

[6:52] No. Okay. So a couple of ways to get help, and I don’t need specifics.

[6:58] But it helps me to kind of get into a ballpark because there are some free resources, but they’re more limited, right? You mentioned that you don’t have any siblings. So obviously siblings would be a resource that we could tap so that you can get away from the house. Another resource is church. If there was a church community around you, you could ask the church for some people to come stay with you. So those are not options that are open to us. So the next two options are the free resources that are typically run through your area agency on aging in North Carolina. There is some respite money available for people living with some form of dementia that will pay for paid caregivers to come into the house, right? So that is one option. You mentioned your mom has too many assets to be able to qualify for Medicaid, right? At a 96-year age, it is not in your best interest to try to make her quote-unquote Medicaid proof, right? Because you have to have a five-year look-back period before she would qualify for Medicaid, which means we have to use the resources available.

Financial Considerations

[8:25] Before we can tap into that avenue, okay? So having said that, your mom lives with you, and you have to be able to take a break. And I also heard you say to me that you’re an only child. So I would assume that when your mom passes away, you are her inheritor. You’re the person who will inherit her estate. I think it is highly appropriate and suitable to use part of her resources to pay for caregivers to come in to help you so that you can take a break. Okay. Because you cannot do it by yourself. So here’s the reality, right? When your mom passes away, because your mom’s going to pass away at some point, when your mom passes away, all of the remaining assets will become yours. But they’re no good to you if you’ve burnt out and if you’ve lost your health and your life ahead of time. Right. So I would encourage you to think about doing one step in between, and that is, if you haven’t, talk to an elder care attorney about a caregiver contract, okay?

[9:45] Caregiver contracts are a contract that delineates and enumerates what your, for lack of a better word, reimbursement are for the services that you’re rendering. Okay. Okay. So your mom is receiving some sort of an income. Yes. Whether it be from social security, retirement, whatever. Right. But if you sit down with an estate attorney and you are able to plan out and say to the estate attorney, her rent, her food, all of these things are line items. This is how much it costs and I need paid caregiver assistance, X amount of hours per week, six, 12, whatever. This is what it costs. Set up a contract that her money is paying you for those resources and services.

[10:42] And you use some of her assets to pay for private duty medical home health care, and you build in your time to get away. Thank you. Particularly if your mom has assets. And I would encourage you to use the liquid assets first, like her social security, to pay for that because that’s going to go away when she passes. Right. Right? But what I want to give you permission and what I want you to hear very clearly is, I know that you’re likely feeling guilty using your mom’s money. You shouldn’t. You are providing 24-hour care to your mother, which if she was in a nursing home or in a facility, depending on where you’re at, and what facility is $6,000 to $12,000 a month. So why do you, what’s the barrier, and this is a rhetorical question for you to think about, what’s the mindset barrier you have for using some of those assets to buy back your time so you can do this marathon for an extended period of time.

Overcoming Guilt

[11:54] You make a good point. It’s just, you know, like you said, it’s the guilt.

[11:59] I mean, it’s not like I’m doing anything wrong, but I’m just saying, it’s just always been her money, you know what I’m saying? Does it make you feel a little bit better by having somebody unpack it and telling you that it is not wrong? Oh, for sure. This is great.

[12:20] And to be honest, we all have a different level of comfort related to financial things, right? If it would make you feel more comfortable, do it with an attorney and a caregiver contract. Right. That feels comfortable. Appreciate it. You budget it, but don’t shortchange Jamila. Jamila has to have time to take a break. And that is going to cost a paid caregiver to come in and help. Okay. So does that sit better? Yes.

Taking Action Steps

[12:58] Thank you. This has been very helpful. You are very welcome. So tell me what is one step that you’re going to take after our conversation today to get you closer to that goal that we set at the beginning, your goal of actually having more time to take a break? I’m going to look for a state of time. There you go. You’re doing so good, Jamila. I’m so happy you’re here. Thank you so much. I appreciate it. I’m glad this came through my algorithm. I don’t know how I found you, but I’m glad I found you. Thank you. Well, I’m really glad you’re here. I do these once a month. You’ll get an invitation once a month. I do a couple of other things and you are welcome to come back. I love doing these. I love serving people. So I’m excited that you’re here.

[13:47] People who are really benefiting from the community are the people who joined earlier on before they need it and that have been active and are participating in the community because then they already know what questions to ask and they have a place to come and they’re not constantly wondering, what do I need to do? How do I need to do it? So people listening are interested in tapping into or learning about the community. I’d invite you to just go to the website, thinkdifferentdementia.com. There’s a link for you to schedule a 20-minute call. There’s no pressure. I’ll serve you regardless of whether you join the community or not. But it is a way for you to take this relationship a little deeper, a little bit more hands-on support, because really the research also shows its longitudinal support over time. Absolutely. Yeah, for sure. I would highly recommend Lizette. She’s awesome.

Community Support and Resources

[14:40] I appreciate that endorsement. You are well. Thank you, everybody for listening today. And as I try to remember, I try to remember, I don’t always remember. May the Lord bless you and keep you and come back and listen some more. I’m hoping to do more of these coaching style episodes. So come back in and check us out. And thank you for being here today.