Is Therapeutic Lying In Dementia Caregiving The Right Decision?
Have you ever heard your loved one say, “This isn’t my home,” or “I want to go home”—even while they’re sitting in the house they’ve lived in for years?
If so, you know how painful, confusing, and even heartbreaking that moment can be. In Episode 237, we meet Martina, a spousal caregiver in the Philippines, who asks a question many Christian caregivers have wrestled with:
Is it okay to lie to a loved one with dementia when they’re confused about home?
The Problem with “Therapeutic Lying”
Popular dementia advice often encourages caregivers to use “therapeutic lying”—agreeing with a loved one’s false belief to avoid upsetting them. While it may seem kind on the surface, this approach raises spiritual and moral concerns for many Christian caregivers.
God is a God of truth. One of the Ten Commandments clearly states:
👉 “You shall not bear false witness” (Exodus 20:16).
That means as followers of Christ, we’re called to uphold truth—even in the most delicate situations. So how do we respond with compassion and clarity when our loved ones are lost in a different reality?
Responding Without Lying: What You Can Do Instead
When someone with dementia says, “I want to go home,” they’re often referring to a place from their past—not their current house. Here’s how you can respond with grace and truth:
💬 1. Ask Open-Ended Questions
Instead of correcting them, gently ask, “Tell me more about home.” This helps you understand where they are in their memory timeline and what they’re emotionally longing for.
💬 2. Validate Their Emotions
Say something like, “It sounds like you’re missing a place that felt really safe and familiar.” You’re not confirming the false belief—you’re acknowledging the feeling behind it.
💬 3. Redirect with Calm Reassurance
If your loved one begins to argue or gets upset, shift the conversation by inviting them into a calming activity. Example: “Let’s make some tea while we talk more about home.”
💬 4. Tell the Truth Gently
If what you’re saying is still true (e.g., “We’re not moving until we sell the house”), you’re not lying. Just make sure your tone is calm and comforting, not corrective.
Why This Matters
When we communicate with love and honesty, we not only protect our loved one’s dignity—we also honor God. This isn’t about being perfect. It’s about being intentional, faithful, and kind, even when the path is hard.
Truth and Grace Can Coexist in Dementia Care
You don’t have to choose between honesty and compassion. As a Christian caregiver, you’re called to speak truth—but in a way that reflects the love of Christ.
When your loved one says, “I want to go home,” pause. Ask questions. Be gentle. Let them guide the moment—and meet them where they are with grace, not guilt.
Join our monthly free workshop!
“How To Immediately Reduce Dementia Caregiver Overwhelm and Stress In 3 Easy Steps”
Transcript
Introduction to Dementia Caregiving
[0:00] What should Christian caregivers do when a loved one with dementia insists they aren’t at home, even when they are? In today’s Dementia Caregivers Support episode, we unpack how to handle this heartbreaking confusion, but using truth, grace, and calm, all while protecting your own peace. This isn’t home, or I want to go home. If you have ever heard that from your loved one, you know how confusing and painful that feels. In this Dementia Caregiver Support episode with Martina, a spousal caregiver who lives in the Philippines, we are going to explore why this happens and how as a Christian caregiver you can respond with both compassion and truth. You’ll hear why the standard advice like therapeutic lying doesn’t align with biblical values and how asking better questions.
[1:03] Validating emotions, and understanding your loved one’s shifting reality can help. Whether your spouse is shadowing you or stuck in a loop or constantly asking you to go home, this episode will give you practical tools and faith-based wisdom to respond with confidence and calm. Hey Christian Care Companion, welcome to Dementia Caregiver’s Support for Christians, the podcast where I teach Bible-believing Christians how to think and respond differently during their caregiving journey.
[1:41] If you are a Christian spouse, an adult daughter living with dementia, and you want more peace, and you want to have no regrets after caregiving, and you want to provide better care, this podcast is for you.
[2:00] Here, we provide you with practical solutions. We give you hope and encouragement for your caregiving journey and provide you with recommendations that align with your Christian faith. Today, you will be getting another glimpse into a conversation from one of our monthly Ask the Dementia Coach question and answer sessions. You as well can have an opportunity to join us on April 24th and receive this kind of support. However, in the meantime, if you haven’t yet attended one of our free monthly workshops, the enrollment is now open for the April 12th workshop at 12 p.m. Eastern. In this two-hour live interactive workshop, you will learn how to immediately decrease dementia caregiver overwhelm and stress in three easy steps. This workshop is designed to take you on a journey and give you the very first step every caregiver needs to take in order to be a confident caregiver. The link is in the show notes or go to thinkdifferentdementia.com and register
The Dilemma of Therapeutic Lying
[3:18] under the free resources tab.
[3:20] Now back to the episode that is going to bring out one of my very favorite topics, therapeutic lying as a Christian. Is it right or is it wrong? So go ahead and listen to today’s episode.
[3:34] All right, Ms. Martina, I can roll my R’s. How are you, young lady? I’m not coping. I live in the Philippines, and my husband has been diagnosed with mixed dementia. Okay, so hang on, sweet lady. I have a very formal way of doing this. Okay. I’m going to ask you a series of questions, and in between, you get the opportunity to ask your question, okay? So let’s say it is six months from today and things are easier for you as a caregiver. What does that look like for you? It’s not going to be easier. So tell me why you say that. Because naturally his memory is getting worse. I agree. But there are things we can do when you look at everything that’s going on. What’s the rub? What’s the thing, like most people will tell me, I’m stressed or I’m overwhelmed or I don’t understand, like Thomas a minute ago, how to communicate well. It’s six months from now and because you’ve changed something, it’s easier for you. What does that look like? What would easier look like for you? Like where are your challenges?
[4:52] Well, my main challenge is he’s shadowing me. At the moment, he’s in the next room watching TV. Okay. But if I go and do my exercise class, he wants to take me and he wants to pick me up. But I can drive.
[5:06] It’s not five, it’s a two-minute drive and a five-minute walk. But he wants to. And then when I come back, he’s always upset that I have taken so long. So it’s hard. So in order for things to be easier, we might need to look at shadowing or some of these what we call responsive or challenging behaviors, right? So what is the biggest thing holding you back right now? Is it knowing what to do or say? Is it that maybe your family is not on the same page? Is it your own stress or guilt or overwhelm? What’s holding you back from taking action to make this easier? Oh, good question.
Seeking Guidance on Lying
[5:45] It’s because he is in denial, like most people with dementia will not accept it. Okay. And then what is your specific question for me? I want to know if it’s okay to tell a lie with people with dementia, like he keeps thinking we’re going to, this is not our home and that we’re going to move. And I just say that we’re not going to move until we sell the house. That’s what I’m saying at the moment. Okay. I think that is a really good question. So here’s my question to you. My viewpoint is that I come from a faith-based perspective. Is that true for you? Do you come from a faith-based perspective?
[6:28] Yes. Okay. What is your faith background? I’m a Roman Catholic. Okay. So what would the Roman Catholic Church say about lying?
[6:39] We don’t discuss it. Of course, you have to pray for patience and guidance. Okay. But we don’t have any specific avenue that will help us cope. Okay. What about the Ten Commandments?
[6:54] The Bible talks about the Ten Commandments, and one of them is, thou shalt not lie. And the reason I’m bringing that up is because the world tells us that therapeutic lying is the best strategy in order to not make the person living with dementia upset, right, to validate their reality. So what that looks like related to a person living with dementia could be something like, is it time to go home? And they’re at home, but they think that they’re going back to their childhood home and saying to them because the person is believing that they’re a seven-year-old and waiting for their mom to come pick them up and telling them that your mom will be here in 10 minutes to take you home, right? That is a direct, flat-out fabrication and a lie, right? What I believe is that I serve a holy God who in the Ten Commandments talks about thou shalt not bear false witness, which is thou shalt not lie, right? And I was convicted because I’m a 31-year veteran occupational therapist that for decades actually taught people the technique of therapeutic lying because it works.
[8:22] It’s an effective technique. And I was in a Sunday school with a pastor. The topic of lying came up, not bearing false witness. And I actually asked him, well, what about this? because there is truth. You cannot reason with that person with dementia. So back to my analogy. The person believes that they’re going home to their childhood home. Their mom is coming to pick them up. The world says is that is their reality. You join their reality, even though you as the caregiver, the care companion, is having to tell a absolute direct lie to that person. We had a long conversation, him and I, and he actually convicted me that I serve a holy God. He is a God of truth.
Understanding Your Loved One’s Reality
[9:17] And so therefore, because he is a God of truth, there has to be truth in what I say. So when I am now helping somebody living with dementia and they are believing something that is not true, I have to find a way of turning it to be able to tell the truth. So for you, what you mentioned is your husband with dementia is asking you about the house, right? You said he’s wanting to go home, right? And you mentioned to him that you’re not going to be able to move or go home until you sell the house. Okay. So the first thing is that’s probably not a lie because you’re not going to move until you sell your house. Yeah, that’s true. Right. So it’s not, you’re not telling him a therapeutic lie. But what I want you to consider is when he is saying to you, I want to go home or whatever that statement is, you want to try to figure out what he is meaning because you’re here in 2025.
[10:27] And he is saying, I want to go home. What is home for him? Is he thinking home is two houses before where you guys are now? Is he thinking home is where your children grew up? If you have kids, is he thinking home is where his mom and dad are? When he says he’s going, he wants to go home, what is he actually meaning? So a good strategy is to say, well, tell me more about home. Because what you want to try to do is get information. because that information will give you an idea of where in his timeline he is living. I want you to think about our brain kind of like an onion with layers.
[11:19] The last of the onion or a tree with bark, right? That’s the newest stuff. The inside layer of the tree, the rings of a tree is the oldest stuff. Okay. So as his memories are changing, as his brain is changing, those outer levels are the ones that are going to go first, like peeling the layers of an onion. So if you cut the onion in half where you would see the rings of the onion, not, you know, the long way, but the halfway, right? If you were to think of the middle part of that onion as his very earliest memories and the outer part of the onion as the newest memories, each layer is being peeled back. So somewhere along that line from the outside to middle is where his reality is. And your task is to try to figure out where that is. So when he says, I want to go home, well, tell me more about home. Or, where’s my mom?
Strategies for Effective Communication
[12:22] Where do you think your mom is? Well, tell me more about that. Get him talking and not you supplying the answers. Because when we supply the answers, if we don’t know, we might have to lie in order to not, because we’re not validating their emotional, where they are emotionally.
[12:42] Okay. Was that helpful? Yeah, I would try that. But normally about the home, you will say, let’s go back to our home that looks like this, where we are. And I’ll say, this is it. This is our home. Okay. So maybe try. So that’s not lying, right? So you’re telling him the truth at that moment. He’s just not recognizing it as that. And he wants to pack his clothes and he will say, are these things ours and those things around us? Yes, they all belong to us. So when you are telling him these things are ours, is he okay with the response or does it upset him? It’s okay. Okay. As long as he’s not getting upset.
[13:32] If you’re saying things like he’s saying, let’s go back home and you’re redirecting him and saying, honey, we are home. And he’s like, oh, okay. Yes, I’m home. Or whose stuff is this? And honey, this is our stuff. And he’s like, oh, yes, yes, it is. And he’s not getting upset. That’s okay. But if he says, this isn’t our home and starts to argue with you, this isn’t our stuff and starts to argue with you, your automatic response is going to be to try to reason with him and say it is, because you know it is. If that were to happen, it is not effective to try to reason through that process. Then the strategy is, well, why don’t you tell me about home? Why don’t you tell me about where we’re going? Why don’t you tell me, ask an open-ended question to get him talking so you can see where he is and then try to redirect him from there. Okay?
[14:34] Okay. I’ll try that. I’ll try that technique next time. I never ask him. Where is home? I keep saying, this is our home. So I have to say,
Building a Supportive Community
[14:46] I will try that. I’ve never done that. Tell me a little bit more about home. Good. So that’s the one step you can do today to make it a little easier for you. Yeah. Thank you. You are welcome, Martina. I’m so glad that you’re here. Oh, me too.
[15:01] Wonderful. People who are really benefiting from the community are the people who joined earlier on before they need it and that have been active and are participating in the community because then they already know what questions to ask and they have a place to come and they’re not constantly wondering, what do I need to do? How do I need to do it? So people listening are interested in tapping into or learning about the community. I’d invite you to just go to the website, thinkdifferentdementia.com. There’s a link for you to schedule a 20-minute call, there’s no pressure. I’ll serve you regardless of whether you join the community or not. But it is a way for you to take this relationship a little deeper, a little bit more hands-on support, because really the research also shows it’s longitudinal support over time. Absolutely. Yeah, for sure. I would highly recommend Lizette. She’s awesome. I see. I appreciate that endorsement. You are well. Thank you, everybody, for listening today. And as I try to remember, I try to remember, I don’t always remember. May the Lord bless you and keep you. And come back and listen some more. I’m hoping to do more of these coaching-style episodes on a Friday. So come back and check us out. And thank you for being here today.ching-style episodes. So come back and check us out. And thank you for being here today.
