"When are you coming to take me home?"
David hears this question from his 96-year-old mother up to eight times a day. She lives in a beautiful assisted living community, yet every time she calls, she believes she doesn’t belong there. And even though she’s been there for two years, her heart still lives elsewhere.
David is calm and gentle. He doesn’t argue or correct. He tries to reassure her—sometimes saying the plumbing is broken at home, sometimes suggesting she stay the night and they’ll talk again tomorrow. Sometimes, she calms down. Other times, she grows agitated. And David is left wondering, “Am I helping or just avoiding the truth?”
Maybe you’ve been there. Maybe you’re there right now.
You want to comfort your loved one without lying. But every answer feels like a dead-end. You know God is a God of truth, and yet you wonder: Is the truth too harsh right now?
Understand What’s Really Going On
When your loved one with dementia keeps asking to go home, it’s rarely about geography. It’s about emotion. The environment may no longer feel familiar. Their brain, affected by memory loss, is trying to make sense of the present by reaching into the past.
This is often what’s called confabulation—the brain filling in gaps with stories that feel real. Your mom may believe she’s moved multiple times. She may think her home is still down the street, even if it’s been sold years ago.
She’s not trying to manipulate you. She’s trying to feel safe. And part of your call as a Christian caregiver is to meet her where she is emotionally, not just factually.
Why Therapeutic Truth-Telling Matters
At Think Different Dementia, we reject the idea of therapeutic lying. Why? Because God is a God of truth (Ephesians 4:25). And even in dementia care, truth is still possible—and powerful.
That’s why we teach Therapeutic Truth-Telling™—a biblically grounded way of communicating that soothes without deceiving. You can be kind without compromising truth.
Here’s what that might sound like:
- “Mom, I know you want to go back to your old house. I wish we could. But this is where you live now, and I’ll be here to help you through it.”
- “I hear you. I know that place felt like home. And I’m so sorry—that’s not possible anymore. But this place is safe, and I’m right here with you.”
- “Let’s just stay here tonight, and we can talk about it again tomorrow.”
Consistency helps. Repeating the same gentle response every time brings comfort over time. It may take weeks or months, but anchoring in truth—even a softened truth—builds peace.
Match the Emotion Before the Logic
David’s biggest insight? It’s not the number of calls that’s wearing him down. It’s the feeling that he can’t make his mom feel better.
Sound familiar?
Before you offer an explanation, tune into her emotion. Ask yourself: Is she scared? Lonely? Confused?
Then respond to the emotion first:
- If she’s afraid: “Mom, you’re safe. I promise. I wouldn’t let anything happen to you.”
- If she’s lonely: “I’m so glad you called. I love hearing your voice.”
- If she’s confused: “This place looks different, I know. But I’m here. And we’re okay.”
When emotions are calmed, your loved one can better receive the truth
Know When Not to Pick Up the Phone
You are allowed to set boundaries. If your loved one calls repeatedly and is only growing more upset, it may be time to pause.
Let the call go to voicemail. Step outside. Take a breath. Then call back when your heart is steady.
Caregiving is a marathon, not a sprint. And your consistency—not your perfection—is what matters most.
Could It Be More Than Dementia?
In David’s case, a stroke triggered rapid cognitive changes. While dementia is likely, other conditions like LATE (a newly recognized Alzheimer’s-like disease in adults over 80) could be at play.
That’s why a fresh OT or speech therapy evaluation—even after a mild stroke—can help. Don’t assume decline is inevitable. Sometimes, new strategies can strengthen memory and communication.
Ask for an evaluation focused on time awareness and executive function. You might be surprised at what’s possible.
Action Step: Begin Practicing Therapeutic Truth-Telling™ Today
Therapeutic Truth-Telling™ isn’t about finding the perfect script. It’s about:
- Recognizing what’s emotionally true for your loved one
- Responding with consistency and clarity
- Honoring God’s truth while offering gentle reassurance
You don’t have to walk this alone.
Join us for our free monthly workshop: How To Immediately Reduce Dementia Caregiver Overwhelm and Stress In 3 Easy Steps.
Register here: thinkdifferentdementia.com/WSL
Because caregiving doesn’t have to feel like guesswork. There is a faithful way forward.
You just took the first step.
