Should You Move a Loved One with Dementia Into Your Home? Tough Love for Caregivers
You love your parents. You want to do the right thing. But what if doing “the right thing” could cost you your peace, your marriage, and your health?
In Episode 246, we walk through a raw and honest conversation with a caregiver wrestling with one of the most difficult questions Christian families face:
Should I move my parents into my home?
The answer might seem obvious on the surface—rooted in love, duty, or even guilt—but this episode reveals why the right choice isn’t always the easiest one.
The Cost of “Doing the Right Thing”
Shauna wants to care for her aging parents. Her heart says yes. But the deeper we go, the more complex the situation becomes.
Her house isn’t designed for elder care.
Her dad doesn’t want to leave his doctors.
Her husband is supportive but unsure.
Her own mental and physical health are already stretched.
The truth? Good intentions don’t make a hard situation any easier.
💬 “You couldn’t pay me enough to bring this drama into my house—and I love my parents.”
Peace at Home Matters
This episode gently but firmly reminds Christian caregivers that it’s okay to say no.
✔️ You are allowed to protect your marriage.
✔️ You are allowed to prioritize your health.
✔️ You are allowed to draw boundaries—even with your parents.
Scripture is clear: when you marry, your primary responsibility shifts. Your first covenant is with your spouse. That doesn’t mean abandoning your parents—it means making decisions that are wise, not just emotional.
They Have Options—Use Them While You Can
Shauna’s parents aren’t out of resources. They have the ability to choose assisted living. And that option gives everyone space to care well without sacrificing the caregiver’s well-being.
💬 “If they were destitute, this would be a different conversation. But they’re not.”
Caregiving doesn’t always mean moving your loved one into your home. Sometimes, loving them well means choosing a different plan—one that lets you continue to show up as a daughter, not just a caretaker.
Guilt Is Not a Good Decision-Maker
If you’re feeling torn, remember this:
Saying no to moving your loved one in doesn’t mean you don’t love them.
It means you’re protecting your family, your faith, and your future.
🎧 Tune in to Episode 246 to hear this powerful coaching conversation—and learn how to make decisions based on wisdom, not guilt.
Join our monthly free workshop!
“How To Immediately Reduce Dementia Caregiver Overwhelm and Stress In 3 Easy Steps”
Transcript
The Toughest Decision for Caregivers
[0:00] You love your parents. You want to do the right thing. But what happens when helping comes at the expense of your marriage, your health, and your peace?
[0:13] The question of whether to move a loved one with dementia into your home is one of the hardest decisions caregivers face.
[0:22] In this episode, we’ll have an honest conversation about what it really takes and why saying no doesn’t mean you don’t love them. In today’s episode of Dementia Caregiver Support in Action, we are diving into one of the toughest decisions you need to make. Should you move a loved one with dementia into your home? It’s a question that is filled with love, with guilt, and sometimes pressure, where the answers are actually usually simple, but they may not be easy. In this episode, will talk about what to consider, how to protect your marriage and your health, and why tough love is sometimes the only solution. If you are a Christian and you are struggling with God’s sovereignty or God’s providence, reach out to me. I will have a conversation happily with you about God’s providence and God’s sovereignty and help you along in your journey. If you are struggling as a family caregiver and you’re ready for a little bit more support, hop on a Care Companion success call with me. It will take 20 minutes where you will be able to talk to me.
[1:36] Gain some clarity about your very next step that you need to take in this journey, as well as have a conversation about whether or not it makes sense for both you and for me for us to work together to help you through your dementia caregiving journey.
[1:53] Hey Christian Care Companion, welcome to Dementia Caregiver Support for Christians, the podcast where I show Bible-believing Christians that God is a God of love and covenants, that the way we think about our caregiving will impact the ultimate outcome of your caregiving journey, and because we are image-bearers of God, we have inherent value and worth, even when living with dementia. And we have the hope of eternity. If you are a Christian spouse, the adult child, or a family member of a person living with dementia and want more clarity, less stress, and provide better care, this podcast is for you. Here we will give you practical solutions, tips to make your communication easier, and we focus on maintaining the dignity of the person living with dementia. If you haven’t yet come to one of our free monthly workshops, the next one is May 10th at 12 p.m. Eastern. I usually do these on a Saturday because I recognize a lot of family caregivers work. What we will show you in this free workshop are three easy steps to decrease or reduce your stress and overwhelm, but keeping an eye on your future after caregiving. Are you curious about what that means?
[3:20] Well, in order to find out, you will need to register for this free workshop at thinkdifferentdementia.com forward slash WSL. The workshop lasts for about two hours. It is highly interactive and I promise you, you will walk away with strategies that you can implement and use immediately. I invite you yet again, if you haven’t come to this workshop, join me by registering at thinkdifferentdementia.com forward slash WSL. It’s a two-hour free workshop. At the end of the workshop, I’ll hang around and I will answer your specific
A Live Conversation with Shauna
[4:02] questions if you have any additional questions after the workshop. Anyway, without further ado, let us join this live Dementia Caregiver Support in Action episode where we talk about whether or not a daughter should move her parents with dementia into their home. And the recommendations and the reasons for the recommendations are found in this very unique and different episode speaking to Shauna, who is one of my caregivers in my dementia caregiver support community. Let’s get to today’s episode.
[4:46] I want a question. What’s wrong with me? Because what do you mean what’s wrong with you? Don’t say a lot. So, you know, we talked on Friday and you’re like, your house is not a place for your parents because you don’t have a bedroom or bathroom downstairs.
[4:59] You’d have to move. And I’m like, it’s not worth that for a short amount of and I love my house, I love my neighborhood, like I don’t want to move. And it’s a lot of work to move. And then when you’re like, and you bring the drama and stuff into your house, you wouldn’t have a peaceful place. And in my head, I was like, you could not pay me enough. To bring this stuff into my house. And then with my parents, I was talking to them, I was asking them how they felt about the assisted living. They’re not excited about it at all. They’re just, they said basically like they’re doing it because people keep telling them that that’s the right decision for them. And then here I am, right? So knowingly when I leave on Friday, okay, they’re not going to live with you. It’s not the right thing. And then they’re telling me that they’re about how they’re feeling about looking at assisted living and these different things. And I was like, okay, well, if you go and you don’t like it, remember, you can always move up peer.
[5:42] Like, and then I’m like, what am I doing? Like, it just comes out because I want to take care of them and I want to protect them and I want to be there for them. But then at the expense of me, again, and that’s one thing we’ve talked, well, that’s one thing we’ve kind of talked about, but dad is so set on, he doesn’t want to leave his doctors. His doctors are like, his world is everything. He doesn’t want to start over. And so, and I live so far, you know, I live an hour and a half away from them. So the reality, Shauna, I’ll be brutal again. If you and Ben are 150% on the same page. And only if the two of you are 150% on the same page, would I even consider it, right? The reality of the matter is that if your dad moves to you, he will be getting new doctors, period. Because you’re not going to drive an hour and a half. That’s unrealistic.
[6:32] That’s an unrealistic expectation. So then the question to your dad is, what are you going to hate more. Right. Losing your doctors and reestablishing care so that you don’t have to live in an assisted living or staying in an assisted living because you feel like you have no other options and having your doctor. Right. Yeah. But if you and Ben are going to do this, you need to be 100% on the same page. I do think that you have to be 100% a united front. And if You have even a little bit, you and you, him, even have a little doubt about the fact of whether this can work or not. You should not do it. You have to be convicted.
[7:15] Like, there is absolutely no way that they’re going to an assisted living and we’re going to do it. If you cannot get to that point, then don’t consider it. But I think because I took care of his mom until she passed, right? So we’ve already taken care of that. And so to us, we’re like, but that was shorter because she died from cancer. Right. You know, it’s like nine months. No, and that’s fine. So it’s kind of like hard to be like, are you willing to do this till the end? And there’s two of them. There are two of them. And, you know, Angela’s house is set up. The new house that they moved to, remember when they first came, they were living in one house and then they moved to a new house. And we kind of talked about how to do that move. Yeah. The reason partially worked so well for them is because of the way that the house that they moved into is structured. It has an entirely two separate masters on the main floor, both with en suites. And her mom and dad had the bigger one and they took the smaller one, which is actually technically a guest room. And then the kids were all upstairs. Right.
[8:20] So they have three bedrooms or whatever upstairs and then two bedrooms downstairs. And so when her mom passed away, she and her husband Roy now have taken over
The Reality of Long-Term Care
[8:30] where her mom and dad used to be and her dad moved out. Oh, okay. Not out of the house, but out of that room. Okay. Right. If you were to do this, the good way to do that is to really consider, because this is a marathon, it is not a sprint. Yes, your dad’s 81, but he’s not unhealthy. He could live another five or six years. Your mom, even with what’s going on, it could be another three or four years if one of her medical comorbidities don’t. Like, we didn’t anticipate Pam’s mom was going to pass. It was a very big surprise, like very big. So you could prepare for a long duration and it’s two months and it’s done. You can prepare for two to four months and it ends up being 20 years. Yeah. Right? You have a wonderful husband. I’ve not spent a lot of time with him, but I’ve spent enough time with him to know that he’s not going to steer you wrong. I also know that we wives, we can convince our husbands of things if we believe it.
[9:35] We can. So if you believe you can do it, he’s going to try to support you. Well, and he feels like, and he said these words, you took care of my mom until she passed. But you can’t look at it. You cannot compare the two situations. They are not the same. How many kids do you have, Shawna? Four. Are they the same? Let me ask you a question, Young Lee. Do you treat your children exactly the same? No. Well, you can’t. No, you can’t. Why not? Because they’re not the same. Because they’re not the same. They’re not the same people. Your mother-in-law is not the same person and you guys taking care of her and doing it successfully does not mean that you can just assume that you can do the same thing for your parents. It is noble and virtuous, and I appreciate the fact that he is willing to sacrifice to do that for you. The only way you do that is if it’s… Is the right decision. I think it is a noble goal to want to do this. Your parents don’t have unlimited access to resources, but they do have access to resources. They are not like my parents. The only resource they have is what they live in and a little bit of money left, right? Your parents actually have the ability to provide this level of care for themselves.
[10:57] So what would you regret more. Losing your marriage over this in order to be able to have them at home. Losing your health over this because you know that the… I don’t know my health is affected by all of this. Well, I mean, did you see my inhibition switch kick in?
[11:12] Yeah, so I wouldn’t… Nothing worth to lose my marriage or to lose my health.
Prioritizing Your Marriage and Health
[11:16] Like, they’re here for a short amount of time left. So in ICANN, I’m not telling you what to do, but I have always, in this thing, been the impartial outsider. I do not think it is good and healthy and wise for you in your specific situation, even, and I’m grateful that you’re willing to. Like if they were destitute and living under a bridge, it would be a different conversation, but they’re not. Okay. So I just got to get my head around. I was trying to journal about it this morning and I was like, what is wrong with you? Like why, you know, Lizette talked to you about it on Friday. Why did you offer? There’s nothing wrong with you. You are a caring person who wants to do good and right by her parents, but you have left and cleaved. Your primary responsibility, and this is the conversation I had with Tommy, was like, are you married? He’s like, what does that have to do with me helping my grandmother? Everything, right? You have left and married, and your primary relationship and responsibility is actually you and your husband, not you and your mom and dad. Helping them with their meds, being there, taking them to the doctor, being healthcare power of attorney, all of those things are doable. You are running a business. You are a mom. You are a wife. You are a grandmother.
[12:33] Your own mental health when you’re dealing with all of, and to be fair, I don’t think it’s the caregiving. I think it’s the extraneous humans involved in that, right? Yeah, no, no, the caregiving would be the easy part. But the reality is what you have is what you have. And you have to make the decisions, not what’s best for mom and dad. They are a part of it, right? We’re not suggesting that they go live under a bridge. We’re not suggesting, you know, a memory care facility. We’re not, we’re going to take care of them. Yeah. But we have to take care of you first, because if this is, say it does last for five, ten years, right? And five or ten years from now, they don’t have the money. Then we have to have a conversation. Is this now the right time and place because they do not have any other options. Right now, they do have other options.
Setting Boundaries with Family
[13:26] Please hear me very clearly, everybody who’s listening. I love my parents. I will help them, but they will not be living in my house because I cannot live with my dad.
[13:36] It’s the same situation. It’s not your mom and dad. It’s the surrounding things around them. If you were just taking care of them in a heartbeat, Like, I’d live with your mom and dad. They’re sweet as all get out, right? But you’ve got the dynamics of all of the family stuff from decades that are not just common sense. Right. And so, you know, that’s what I would have to say. Okay. Thank you. You can fix them home from the weekend.
[14:08] Well, we can have this conversation another 10 times. You can ask them how many times. I can’t think you can get it in. It’s okay to have the same conversations. Sometimes you have to hear them in different ways. And this was helpful for everybody else to hear because it’s absolutely a problem-solving framework. Just like, how do you make this decision? All right. You all good now? Yeah. Thank you. You’re welcome. It wasn’t harsh, was it? Was it meant to be? Hey, I’m okay with tough love too, because sometimes you need to be smacked a little bit and be like, listen.
[14:41] You know, I’m okay with that too, honestly, because especially when I know when it comes from somebody’s heart, it’s not to be rude, not to be mean, but it’s like, I care about you and you need to listen to this. I’m good. Yeah. Well, I think your mom and dad will be fine in an assisted living.
Joining the Caregiver Community
[14:54] I love your parents. Do not let them guilt you into something. Like people who are really benefiting from the community are the people who joined earlier on before they need it and that have been active and are participating in the community because then they already know what questions to ask and they have a place to come and they’re not constantly wondering, what do I need to do? How do I need to do it? So people listening are interested in tapping into or learning about the community. I’d invite you to just go to the website, thinkdifferentdementia.com. There’s a link for you to schedule a 20-minute call. There’s no pressure. I’ll serve you regardless of whether you join the community or not. But it is a way for you to take this relationship a little deeper, a little bit more hands-on support, because really the research also shows its longitudinal support over time. Absolutely. Yeah, for sure. I would highly recommend Lizette. She’s awesome.
[15:51] I appreciate that endorsement. You are welcome. Thank you, everybody, for listening today. And as I try to remember, I try to remember, I don’t always remember, may the Lord bless you and keep you and come back and listen some more. I’m hoping to do more of these coaching style episodes. So come back and check us out. And thank you for being here today.
