Caring Out of Obligation? How to Set Boundaries Without Guilt | Dementia Caregiver Support
What happens when you’re caring for someone who isn’t your responsibility? For many caregivers, the role wasn’t something they planned—it was something they stepped into out of love, obligation, or necessity.
But when does helping become a burden that affects your own well-being? In this episode, we explore how to set boundaries, find alternative solutions, and release the weight of caregiving without abandoning the commitment to care.
When Caregiving Wasn’t the Plan
In this episode, we meet Candice, a caregiver caught between responsibility and exhaustion.
She’s caring for her ex-husband, who has a traumatic brain injury, while also juggling her own life. Though she cares about his well-being, she never intended to be his primary caregiver.
Many caregivers find themselves in similar situations—helping a former spouse, a distant family member, or even a friend. But how much help is too much? And how do you ensure someone gets the care they need without losing yourself in the process?
The Difference Between Helping and Being Responsible
A powerful reminder from this episode: Just because someone needs help doesn’t mean you are the one who has to provide it.
If you’re feeling overwhelmed, ask yourself:
✔️ Did I choose this role, or did it fall on me by default?
✔️ Is there someone else who should be stepping in?
✔️ What resources exist to take some of this burden off my shoulders?
In Candice’s case, her ex-husband had other family members who could step in, but they weren’t involved. This led to an important realization—she wasn’t his only option, even if it felt that way.
Practical Steps to Release Caregiving Burdens
If you’re carrying more than you should, here are ways to shift the responsibility without abandoning care:
📌 Identify the Right Decision-Makers – If your loved one has children or siblings, start by having a conversation with them about stepping up.
📌 Seek Legal and Professional Help – A money manager or elder care attorney can help establish a legal guardian if your loved one cannot manage their own affairs.
📌 Explore Community Support – Churches, volunteer organizations, and social services can provide help—caregiving doesn’t have to fall on one person alone.
📌 Assess Cognitive Ability – A neuropsychiatric or cognitive assessment can determine if your loved one is capable of making their own decisions or if they need legal protection.
Faith and Boundaries in Caregiving
As Christian caregivers, we are called to serve with love—but serving does not mean sacrificing everything. Setting boundaries is not selfish; it is wise stewardship of your time, energy, and resources.
Candice’s story is a reminder that sometimes, loving someone means ensuring they get the right care—even if that care doesn’t come directly from you.
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223. What You Need To Know About Dying With Dementia
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Balancing Duty and Exhaustion
[0:00] What happens when caregiving isn’t just about love, but about responsibility you never signed up for? Candice finds herself caught between duty and exhaustion, caring for her ex-husband and friend while juggling her own life. In today’s episode, we talk about how to set boundaries, when to ask for help, and how to release the burden of caregiving while still honoring the commitment to care. Hey Christian Care Companion, welcome to Dementia Caregiver’s Support for Christians, the podcast leading the caregiver reformation, where we reject the world’s chaos and confusion about caregiving and embrace clarity, confidence, and peace through faith. If you’re a Christian spouse, an adult child, or family caregiver, you’re not alone.
[1:00] Dementia caregiving doesn’t have to be overwhelming. With the right strategies, it’s simple, structured, and clear. Join me twice a week for evidence-based dementia care solutions viewed through a biblical lens, so you can care with ease, trust God’s plan, and walk in peace today and tomorrow. And if you haven’t yet signed up for our free monthly workshop, the next workshop is February the 8th, 2025 at 12 p.m. Eastern Time. The link is in the show notes, or you can register on our website, thinkdifferentdementia.com. And without further ado, let’s join and listen to Dementia Caregiver in Action with Candice.
[1:55] I want people to kind of set a goal, okay? It’s about six months from now and your caregiving has become easier. What does that look like for you? Okay, Okay. Let’s see. Six months from now will be July. For me, honestly, if I could find someone to be my friend’s financial power of attorney, that would probably, that’s what I’ve been, trying to figure out since December, like where I can make changes so that I’m not doing everything. Okay. And then what is the biggest thing holding you back from doing that right now? What’s been the barrier? Part of the barrier is I have done my friend’s bookkeeping for 20 years for his business. Okay. Plus we were married before, you know, before I became his bookkeeper. So I know that I’m qualified and I have a lot of history, but I’m really looking for someone who would be affordable for him and someone who’s very trustworthy. And so I struggle with, should I just continue? Should I be the financial power of attorney and then try to find more help for him daily?
[3:17] Recently, we just hired a retired registered nurse and because he has a lot of dental work that needs done right now. And so she is just helping a lot, but her price is four times as much as what he was paying for help. So I had been hoping that somebody from his church would volunteer also so that
Seeking Help and Setting Boundaries
[3:44] they would volunteer with the day-to-day treatments and supplements that he takes. I can’t talk real long because I got to make my phone call and I got to go through our routine of what we do every evening.
[4:00] So sometimes I think it would be easier if someone from the church would start helping. Okay. So let me unpack what I heard you saying and then you can clarify and correct me if I’m wrong because I’m wrong often. Okay. So this is your ex-husband who’s your friend that you used to be the bookkeeper for that you’re doing the bookkeeping still financial decision making and his primary caregiver. Do you guys live in the same household? So you go there, you take care of him. You’re trying to run your own household and trying to take care of your ex-husband. Yeah, he had a financial power of attorney and then it was his old boss. But the man, like with no notice, quit. So then it all fell back on my shoulders again. Okay, so how far advanced is his? Yeah, I’m not okay with John. It’s a little different. John has definitely been diagnosed with a traumatic brain injury. Okay. That’s okay. For instance, his EEG showed that his brain works very slowly. Right in the left side do not work together, but that man can still ballroom dance. I’m not surprised.
[5:13] And we went, that’s how I met him. Okay. And we went last Friday and he was as normal as could be. That’s wonderful. Wonderful. We were talking and laughing and our friends were looking at us because I’ve been helping him when I finally realized, when it finally hit me, because I used to live 20 minutes away from him, but it finally hit me that something wasn’t right. But in my digging, I found out why the marriage didn’t work. He had had this injury from when he was 20 years old and no one ever. Now, his mother did say to me seven, eight years ago, do you realize he has no short term memory? And I said, well, no, you know, because I didn’t, I don’t live with him. So no, I didn’t notice. I mean, I have lots of clients I do for bookkeeping and they’re at all different levels. You know, some can figure things out, some can’t. So I really just never thought about it until his mother pointed it out to me. Okay. Let’s try to solve what we can. Okay. Okay. The first thing is, does he have children?
[6:23] Yes. And we already tried that. Okay. So related, so you have, it’s a complicated situation, but that doesn’t mean that we cannot come with a solution, right? Have you heard of a money manager? No. There are people that are, they have businesses as money managers and it is regulated. They have to have, you know, it’s above board. It’s not just me coming to you saying, hey, let me take care of your money. They’re certified money managers and they have designations. I would start by researching. I would look in money managers wherever you work, certified money managers, something along those lines, and see if you can find somebody who can be the actual money manager, right? Okay. So you could still…
[7:12] Like on paper, are you actually the financial decision maker or did you just assume the responsibility? Well, Howie, I just found this out yesterday. Let’s see, what was I working on? The old financial power of attorney, because even the power of attorney says that the man that was doing it cannot quit because John is incapacitated. So technically, that is still in force. Okay. So your situation is very complex, but you need to, like, if John already, if the document says that he is incapacitated, then you might have to actually go to an attorney and have him, there’s, this is a legal discussion. There’s a difference between capacity to make a decision and being incapacitated. When you are declared incompetent, that is a legal determination because you do not have the ability to make those decisions anymore. You, Candace, do not need to be the person who is designated as the person who makes his decisions unless you decide that you want to. There are people who are paid through the person’s estate or through other means to be the fiscal or the fiduciary, the decision maker.
[8:42] Think like a guardian at litem, who is designated to actually be that decision maker. If the person who was assigned to be that and in the document said he can’t quit because John is incapacitated, you know, he doesn’t have the capacity, then yours needs to be, like, if he truly doesn’t have the capacity, having him declared incompetent, which is a legal determination, and having a person become a guardian ad litem that is actually paid to oversee his care, to ensure that John is taken care of. It does not need to be you. Okay. He needs to be taken care of. And you are, by all intents and purposes, have a good and kind heart wanting to help take care of him. But he is not your responsibility, right? Yeah. You’re not married. Right. He’s not your responsibility. Right. Is he now deceased? Yes. His mother passed. And that’s when I really— What about siblings for him? Yeah, I’m about, I was thinking about reaching out to his one brother that is an elder of the church, because to me, he’s the best sibling. Well, I would, I would reach out to that brother and I would sit down with him and I would say to him, look, we are not married anymore.
[10:04] I’m not his primary decision maker. There’s no legal standing. I cannot be making these decisions. I’m making them because no one else is making them. And try to work through that first. And your best bet is to go and talk to an elder attorney. Look for a money manager and look for an elder attorney and talk to his brother and say, this is not my responsibility. I’ve been doing it because I’m here and I care for him and we were married,
Redefining Responsibilities
[10:36] but I’m not the responsible party. This is not my burden to carry.
[10:41] Okay. Yeah, because my own daughter that’s been in London for five years is going to be back in the U.S. Maybe in April. And so it’s starting to hit home that I have to make life easier so that I can be mom. Right. Well, I respect it tremendously that you’ve stepped up to help him because he obviously needs help. But just because he needs help, if you’re not the person who is supposed to be helping him, your job as a Christian is to ensure that he gets the help he needs. And it may mean a little legwork from you, but there are people who can become
Assessing Capacity and Care
[11:22] guardian ad litems for him and take that responsibility off of you. And you can be his friend and still support him in that way, but not be responsible for all of his care.
[11:35] Okay. All right. Yeah. The doctor told us last April that because he can still ballroom dance, that he is able to make decisions. So in other words, he could change his power of attorney. So I don’t think that would stand up in a court of law. Really? Well, ballroom dancing is not a cognitive activity. Okay. It requires cognition, but you need a cognitive assessment. He needs to have a cognitive assessment to see if he’s capable of making these decisions. And a doctor just saying, oh, he can dance, so therefore he’s not cognitively impaired, He’s got the capacity.
[12:13] He has a history of a TBI. You need an assessment. You can get a occupational therapy assessment. Ask the doctor to send him for a neuropsychiatric assessment. Get a cognitive eval because if the cognitive eval shows he’s not capable of making those decisions, he cannot change his power of attorney. If it does, take him to the elder care attorney, get other decision makers in place, and you become out of the picture. Okay. Okay. Because yeah, he did tell that doctor last April that he was going to start working, which normally he would. He would start working, but he never did. He just like he knows within himself. I think that he just he can’t do it. Well, you’ve got a few good action steps. Okay. Okay. Yeah. Thank you. You are welcome. People who are really benefiting from the community are the people who joined earlier on, before they need it, and that have been active and are participating in the community because then they already know what questions to ask and they have a place to come and they’re not constantly wondering, what do I need to do? How do I need to do it? So people listening are interested in tapping into or learning about the community. I’d invite you to just go to the website, thinkdifferentdementia.com. There’s a link for you to schedule a 20-minute call.
Community Support and Resources
[13:31] There’s no pressure. I’ll serve you regardless of whether you join the community or not. But it is a way for you to take this relationship a little deeper.
[13:39] A little bit more hands-on support because really the research also shows its longitudinal support over time.
[13:47] Yeah, for sure. I would highly recommend Lizette. She’s awesome.
[13:52] I appreciate that endorsement. You are welcome. Thank you, everybody, for listening today. And as I try to remember, I try to remember, I don’t always remember. May the Lord bless you and keep you. And come back and listen some more. I’m hoping to do more of these coaching-style episodes. So come back and check us out. And thank you for being here today.
