The Real Reasons Behind Caregiving: By Choice, Coercion, Or Persuasion?
Are you a caregiver by choice, coercion, or persuasion?
Caregiving for a loved one with dementia can be an emotional and challenging journey. This episode explores the motivations behind why we take on this important role.
Understanding these motivations can help us find more fulfillment and joy in our caregiving journey.
The Three Types of Caregivers
1. Caregiver by Choice
Some caregivers actively choose this role. They make a deliberate decision, driven by love, duty, or a strong desire to help. This choice often brings a sense of fulfillment and contentment.
These caregivers find joy in their role and see their work as a part of their spiritual journey. They tend to be proactive, adaptable, and able to find gratitude despite the challenges.
2. Caregiver by Coercion
Other caregivers feel compelled by external pressures. This could be due to family expectations, societal norms, or limited options. These caregivers might feel trapped and resentful, leading to increased stress and risk of burnout.
They often see caregiving as an obligation rather than a choice. If you find yourself in this category, seeking support and reframing your mindset can be crucial steps to improve your experience.
3. Caregiver by Persuasion
Caregivers by persuasion start reluctantly but are influenced by others to take on the role. Over time, through education and discussions, they become convinced that caregiving is the right thing to do.
This transition from reluctance to active choice can help them find more satisfaction in their caregiving duties.
Personal Stories and Insights
The podcast shared a poignant story of a daughter who initially felt she had no choice in caring for her parents. Over time, she transitioned from feeling coerced to actively choosing to be a caregiver.
This shift helped her find more joy and fulfillment in her role. These personal insights can resonate with many caregivers, showing that it’s possible to move from feeling pressured to embracing the caregiving journey.
Practical Tips for Caregivers
Regardless of your initial motivation, there are ways to improve your caregiving experience:
Seek Education and Resources: Join support groups, attend workshops, and read up on dementia care. Continuous learning can empower you and improve your caregiving skills.
Reframe Your Mindset: If you feel coerced, work on changing your perspective. Recognize the importance of your role and try to find positive aspects in your daily tasks.
Build a Support Network: Surround yourself with supportive people. Join communities of like-minded caregivers who can offer advice and encouragement.
Consider Professional Help: Sometimes, coaching or counseling can make a significant difference. Don’t hesitate to seek professional guidance if you’re struggling.
Conclusion
Understanding your motivation as a caregiver can significantly impact your experience.
Whether you’re a caregiver by choice, coercion, or persuasion, there are steps you can take to find more joy and fulfillment in your role. Remember, seeking support and continuously learning can help you navigate this journey more effectively.
If you need further assistance, consider signing up for a free dementia care audit to get personalized advice and support. May your caregiving journey be filled with moments of joy and fulfillment.
Read More:
Talking About Caregiver Burnout With Michelle Gordon
Check the other podcast: https://dignicarebydesign.com/category/podcast/
Email me: lizette@dignicarebydesign.com
Message me at Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/thinkdifferentdementia/
Listen to the Podcast
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[0:02] What is your motivation to being a caregiver? Are you a caregiver by choice? Are you a caregiver by coercion? Or are you a caregiver by persuasion?
[0:17] In today’s really nitty-gritty, down-to-earth, real reasons for caregiving, listen to this episode to see which one of these motivations might be your motivator for being a caregiver.
[0:37] And if you’re struggling as a caregiver and you feel like you are not coping very well, Once a month, I do a free dementia care audit, and you can sign up for that right now and take a 30-minute free dementia coaching slot where I only have one of these per month as my gift of service to you so that I can help point you in the right direction on your caregiving journey. So if you truly are struggling, please sign up for one of these episodes. And I would love to be able to help you and serve you and get you with some solid ground under your feet. So listen to today’s episode where we unpack the real reasons behind our caregiving, whether we’re a caregiver by choice or a caregiver by coercion or a caregiver by persuasion which one are you.
Welcome Back to Christian Caregiving Podcast
[1:54] Well, welcome back, Christian caregiver, to the podcast where we teach Bible-believing Christians to still have hope as well as where to find help for their dementia caregiving journey so that you can continue to create moments of joy and glorify God despite your dementia caregiving journey. Today’s episode, we are going to talk about the real reasons or the motivations behind caregiving. And I’ve actually distilled it down to three.
[2:33] I used to say that caregiving is a choice, and I am 100% correct.
[2:41] Caregiving is a choice, but I was incomplete. complete. There is more to caregiving than just being a choice. And so today we’re going to unpack the three different types of motivations behind being a caregiver. But let me take a couple of steps back first. Let me tell you a story about a patient that I had many years ago living here in Greenville, where I showed up as a home health occupational therapist to their home, And I’ll never forget the husband of the patient’s daughter opening up the door to allow me to come in and just seeing
Story of a Coerced Caregiver
[3:24] the abject stress and overwhelm that he was experiencing at that moment in time. And then waiting on the daughter to join us in the foyer before they would let me come into the house and her telling me that she didn’t have any choice in being a caregiver. You could tell this husband and wife combination were extremely, extremely stressed and overwhelmed, but I’ll never Never forget that saying, I have no choice. And I remember saying to her, you do have a choice. Was partially correct.
Types of Caregiver Motivations
[4:09] You do have a choice to be a caregiver. But in that choice, there are actually three different choices.
[4:17] Types of motivations behind being a caregiver. And this particular caregiver at that particular time is or was what I now call a coerced caregiver.
Caregiver by Choice
[4:32] So we’re going to look today in this episode at the three different motivations for being a caregiver. The first one is by choice, by actual reasoned thinking through choice. This caregiver has willingly chosen to be a caregiver. This caregiver is perhaps driven by their love of the person. It might be a spouse or their parent. They believe they have a Christian duty or a specific desire to help that person in need, But they really have sat there and thought through and reasoned and said, yes, I’m going to be a caregiver. They make an active decision. My husband and I, we decided that.
[5:31] To become caregivers. We didn’t start out there. And when our journey started, we were caregivers by coercion, which is the one that we’re going to talk about next. But now we are active caregivers. We have chosen to be a caregiver. And what this looks like is somebody, the characteristics of this type of a caregiver is that they have a personal commitment. They have committed, they have decided, and they have said it out loud that they are assuming the role of the caregiver. And because they have made that decision, and it is an active decision.
[6:21] They find fulfillment and and contentment, and joy in their caregiving. They are able to look to God’s providence in their caregiving journey and still see His glory and that their caregiving is for their own good. And so it makes them approach or address their caregiving challenges in a vastly differing way. These types of caregivers tend to have more contentment in their journey. They’re very able to find gratitude despite the fact that they are contending with or dealing with the dementia caregiving journey.
[7:10] They tend to be more proactive in their caregiving journey. And as they’re coming through this journey, they are way more adaptable to the changes that are occurring now.
[7:26] In these three different types of motivations, sometimes we don’t start out as a caregiver by choice, but by virtue of the fact that we continue to address our own internal dialogue, our own reflecting and praying about the particular situation that we’re in. Sometimes we can go from one of these other types of caregivers and actively choose to assume the role of the caregiver. It is the caregiver motivation that most empowers us as caregivers is to be a caregiver by choice, by actively saying it out loud that I choose to be a caregiver. When my husband and I started down this particular caregiving journey with my mom and dad, even though I should have recognized that we were going to be caregivers at some point or another, because my mother had had had a massive, what I call humdinger of a stroke when she was 42 and I was 19, 18, 19 years old.
[8:51] 19, I was 19 when this happened. I didn’t identify that our family had actually been family caregivers from that point on because we just don’t necessarily identify as caregivers when that happens, right? We just, it’s part of life and we are on this journey together so we do what we need to do.
[9:19] But the second time around, when my parents now immigrated to the United States, because my dad recognized that at some point or another, if something happened to him, that my mother would need help. And he wanted my sister and I, who both lived in the United States, to be able to offer her that assistance that she needed. Um, but when they moved here, I didn’t, I didn’t self-identify that we were family caregivers, even though we weren’t, my mom drove a car, we could, you know, she was independent. She did everything she needed to. And so even though I could probably verbalize to you that I knew that somebody would need to take care of my mom. if something happened to my dad.
[10:08] I even remember talking to my oldest daughter when my husband and I were living in South Dakota, something happens to Opa, then you need to make sure that you go take care of Oma. And that was like the some extent of my thinking of being a caregiver. And Suzette, you just need to go take care of Oma until we can get there and then we’ll figure it it out. And so I had some awareness that we were entering or possibly going to be caregivers,
Transition to Caregiver by Coercion
[10:38] but I really didn’t think about it all that much. When we became caregivers, the first step that my husband and I took was the one that we’re going to talk about next, which is being the motivation behind it, a caregiver by coercion, because this caregiver is somebody who is reluctant. They feel compelled by external pressures.
[11:13] Other obligations to step into the family caregiving role. There may be family expectations. You’re the oldest adult child and you’re a female, so you are automatically the caregiver.
[11:27] Or there are certain societal pressures or norms that we have to contend with. Or it could be because there is a situation of limited options. So if we don’t have unlimited limited resources, which many people don’t. But if we don’t have unlimited resources, we may feel coerced into a specific situation because our options are limited. And when my husband and I, when we took into this caregiving role, we were caregivers by coercion, by external pressures because my dad had gotten sick. He ended up in the hospital. We ended up having to stay with my mom 24 hours a day until my dad could come home. And then we had to help take care of him. And then we had to do all of this stuff. So it was by virtue of external pressures that we were in the caregiving role and that was living in the crisis. And it wasn’t necessarily fun.
[12:38] And we felt trapped and obligated in that particular situation at that particular time. So what type of characteristics do people who are feeling coerced into caregiving.
[12:58] What type of characteristics do those caregivers maybe have? They might be feeling resentment or significant stress. They may feel like they really don’t have a choice or I didn’t sign up for this.
[13:16] They are at increased risk for burnout because when you feel coerced, oftentimes you feel helpless, and you are maybe more likely to be doing the caregiving tasks and journey as a sense of obligation versus a sense of willingness. And so a caregiver by coercion can be a very hard place to hang out. It can be a very hard place to continue to stay in that particular mindset with that particular motivation, because as long as you are feeling resentment towards the person that you’re helping, or feeling like you do not have a choice in the matter, or if you’re feeling trapped and obliged because of situations and circumstances, you are coming into this equation of a caregiver from a powerless or helpless position. And when that happens, we feel like we have no hope.
[14:29] And so if you are a caregiver right now that is a caregiver by coercion, then I’d love to invite you to take me up on my offer of a free 30-minute coaching session on a specifically a dementia care audit of your unique situation so that we can work on reframing you and how you think about your caregiving journey and see if we can get you to a level of choosing to be a caregiver, make this journey easier for yourself. So if you feel like you are a coerced or reluctant caregiver in that particular sense of the word, in your motivations, in your internal motivations, then I invite you to message me just the word audit, only the word audit, to Facebook Messenger or to Instagram. And you will get a link on how you can sign up for one of my free 30-minute coaching sessions.
[15:43] I only do one per month. So please sign up for it. I promise I will help you work on your own thinking processes related to your caregiving journey. And let’s see if we can get you over the hurdle of not continuing to live in
Caregiver by Persuasion
[16:05] the space of feeling like you are coerced into being a caregiver. Now, the third motivation behind caregiving, the third reason for caregiving is caregiving by persuasion. So what does caregiving by persuasion look like? This is somebody who is influenced or convinced by other people to take on the caregiving role. The persuasion can come from other family members, from other loved ones.
[16:43] From the healthcare system, from societal pressures. And this particular motivation initially is a person who is reluctant and might look very similar to an extent to a person who is coerced into caregiving. The difference is that after their reluctance and through continued appeals and reasoning and talking through with this particular person as the caregiver.
[17:23] They themselves become convicted that it is the right thing to do. And so the characteristics these caregivers initially present with is they may be reluctant at the beginning, but because of people talking with them and educating them about the pros and the cons, They move through from that coerced or difficult part of feeling they don’t have a choice to becoming an active caregiver that chooses it. So a caregiver who is a caregiver by persuasion doesn’t typically stay there. They’re eventually persuaded by balancing all of the arguments or the needs presented by others. They are able to balance out their own internal dialogue and grow into the ability to actively choose to be a caregiver.
[18:33] And oftentimes, this type of caregiver may take a little bit of time to align themselves with a caregiving journey and choose that active caregiving step. And so it is, like I said, it’s a little bit different. It’s a little different nuance than a caregiver who is a caregiver who feels coerced. a caregiver who’s.
[19:02] Who feels coerced, really doesn’t feel empowered. And I’ll use another example of a caregiver coercion type of a situation. I had the privilege of working with a sibling set where the one sibling is the primary caregiver and the primary decision maker, But because of input and reluctance from the other siblings, was never fully able to step into a caregiving by choice because her choices and her decisions she was making was counter to what the siblings wanted. And so she continued to feel coerced, which put her in a position of hopelessness and helplessness. Because other people were not really allowing her to take over the decision-making role. And that can also be a very difficult or very frustrating place for family caregivers to be living in. So there really are these three different types of motivations or reasons behind why people are caregivers.
[20:21] The first one was by choice. The second one is somebody who feels coerced and they are reluctant, but due to the relationship or due to other factors, they may feel like they do not have the choice to do anything other than what they’re doing. And so they are caregivers by coercion. And then the last one is a caregiver by persuasion. They may start out of a little reluctant and struggling with the concept of being a caregiver. But once they are provided with sufficient education and information and through their own reasoning processes, they come to the conclusion that they are choosing to be a caregiver. Thank you.
Practical Tips for Choice-Based Caregiving
[21:17] Let’s talk about choice-based caregiving. So what are practical tips for you if you have chosen to be a caregiver? The first one is continue to seek education and resources. If you haven’t joined my free Facebook group, it’s called Christian Dementia Caregiving. You can join the free Facebook group and continue to get further education, further information, further resources there. And secondly, as a choice-based caregiver, one of the best things that you can continue to work on is your own mindset, how you think and feel and believe about caregiving and your own particular caregiving journey. The Lord has gifted us, and frequently you will see in the Bible, think God’s thoughts after him. So we have to be looking towards Christ. We have to be looking towards this journey as a part of our sanctification, as a part of God’s providence.
[22:27] Look for means to help you along the journey. So a choice-based caregiver is ideal for a coaching coaching program, a community where you can get support and help around you. These types of caregivers do really well in being very proactive about what it is that they are needing to do and what the next step of the journey is. So those are some practical tips for you if you are a care-based caregiver or
Reframing Thinking for Coerced Caregivers
[23:02] a choice-based caregiver. Now, if you are feeling like you are a second category, the coerced caregiver, I strongly encourage you to work on reframing your thinking about caregiving. If you are constantly in that, I don’t have a choice, I didn’t sign up for this, I don’t want to be the caregiver, but I have to do it because we We have no other options. If you stay in that headspace, I can almost guarantee you, you will get the results of what it is that you’re thinking about. I mention this frequently in the podcast, our thoughts drive our feelings.
[23:48] Our feelings drive our actions, and our actions drive our results. So if you are thinking all the time that you don’t want to be a caregiver, you didn’t sign for this. I have no other choice. I have no other option. I need to do this. If you stay in that headspace.
[24:08] I can guarantee you your caregiving journey will be frustrating, overwhelming, stressful, and it will ultimately impact your own health, your own relationships with other people, your own ability to continue to grow in sanctification and in grace. It can significantly impact all of those things. And if you’re not able to think God’s thoughts after Him, you have a couple of things that you need to consider. Number one is, do you actually need not just coaching, but do you need counseling, biblical counseling, more than just coaching, actual counseling, because that may be something that can help you through this process. And number Number two, if you are not able to unstick the broken record in your head of this is not fair, this is not my choice, I don’t want to be a caregiver, I didn’t sign up for it. If you are not able to unstick that broken record in your mind and you’ve tried coaching and you’ve tried counseling, then it might actually be time to seek an alternative solution.
[25:34] And there’s no shame in that. There’s no failure in that. We are not all equipped in the same way. There can be very specific reasons for the situation. I tell people all the time, if you.
[25:51] Were abused by the person who you are now needing to care for, and you feel like you have no choice because of the relationship, and so that’s a coerced situation, you have the right to say you’re not going to be the primary caregiver. You cannot abandon the person because that is not the right or good thing to do, but you have to come up with alternative solutions. Now, they may not be easy and they may not be simple, but for your own health and well-being, for your own future relationships, for the whole big picture, you might not be the right person to provide care for that person. And then in that case, when we’ve tried all these other biblical solutions.
[26:37] When we’ve really looked at coaching or fixing the problem or working through some things and or biblical counseling, and we still cannot resolve this in a timely manner, then we might have to seek alternative solutions.
Building Skills for Persuaded Caregivers
[26:54] But that is a last ditch attempt. And then for the third category of people, some practical tips if you are a persuaded caregiver is let’s start by building your skills, your actual skills to provide care. I would encourage you to continue to learn and educate yourself and find a community of like-minded people that you can learn from.
[27:24] I mentioned earlier in the podcast, join my Facebook group. It’s called Christian Dementia Caregiving. Look for some dementia coaching. Go pick up a couple of online courses if that’s how you learn or listen to a variety of different types of dementia podcasts. A lot of this podcast is set on how you think through the dementia caregiving journey through through a biblical lens, through what is good and right and practical in the dementia caregiving space and using proven strategies for that.
[28:03] Earlier in the episode, I invited you if you were a coerced caregiver, but if you’re any type of caregiver and you want a free dementia care audit, then just send me text, not text, but message me on Instagram or on Facebook, the word audit and sign up for my once a month dementia care audit, where we can look at your particular situation and help put you in the right direction for your specific journey. But seek support, Look for dementia coaching. Consider, like I said, joining my Facebook group and continue to educate yourself so that you go from a persuaded caregiver to a caregiver by choice. So a very practical, valuable, down and dirty little episode today talking about.
[29:04] Our motivations or three reasons behind caregiving, caregiving by choice, caregiving by coercion, or caregiving by persuasion. So I ask you, which one of these caregivers are you? Are you a caregiver by choice like I am now? Are you a caregiver by coercion for whatever reason is going on in your world? Or are you a caregiver by persuasion and you’re still in that, I’ve just been persuaded to do this and hopefully we can move you over time to be a caregiver by choice. So those are three motivations for people who are caregivers of somebody living with dementia.
[29:51] I hope that you have found tremendous value in today’s little shorter episode related to caregiving and that you consider signing up for the free dementia care audit through the link in either the show notes or message on Instagram or Facebook, the word audit, and sign up for my once a month offering for you so that we can dialogue and get you in the right direction or on the right path. And as I end all of my episodes, may the Lord bless you and keep you. And I look forward to serving you further, deeper, and better in the future. And come back for the next episode.
