When the system has failed you before, how do you let anyone else in?
Anne didn’t hesitate. When I asked her what it would take to make caregiving easier, she answered with one word: trust.
Not time. Not money. Not even more help.
Just trust.
Maybe you’ve felt that too. You know you need support, but the last time you let someone help, it went sideways. Maybe a paid caregiver overstepped. A doctor dismissed your concerns. Or family members showed up only to second-guess your decisions. After enough of those experiences, it feels safer to carry the whole burden yourself.
But what if the issue isn’t that you don’t want help—it’s that you haven’t found help you can trust?
That’s what Anne and I unpacked together in a recent coaching conversation. And her story might sound a lot like yours.
She Had the Paperwork, But Not the Peace
Anne has been married to Mike for 58 years. She knows him deeply. She holds both his medical and durable power of attorney. She understands what gives him a good day—and what shuts him down.
But even with all the authority on paper, she didn’t feel empowered. The VA had cut back on services. One respite caregiver took initiative; others didn’t follow instructions. Doctors offered standard recommendations without context. And Anne was left wondering if she was the only one who truly cared about Mike’s quality of life—not just extending the quantity.
That’s when she said it: “I need more help. But the barrier is trust.”
The Real Source of the Mistrust
So we slowed the conversation down. I asked: Trust in what? In who?
Was it the caregivers themselves? The agency? The system?
Anne paused. Then she named it: She didn’t trust the healthcare system.
Not because she’s cynical. Because she’s lived through it. She’s seen professionals push procedures that ignore dignity. She’s had helpers who try to take over. She’s had to fend off decisions that don’t match who Mike is.
Start With One Small Shift
So I offered Anne a different lens—one rooted in biblical truth: You have more authority than you think.
Yes, you may be using VA services. But that doesn’t mean you lose your voice. Doctors can make recommendations, but they cannot make decisions for your loved one. You, as their healthcare agent, have that responsibility.
We talked about beginning with the end in mind. Would Mike want a feeding tube? Would he want to die at home? If he had a major health crisis, what kind of intervention would honor the life you’ve built together?
These aren’t just medical questions. They’re discipleship ones. Because as Christian caregivers, we are not just reacting to crises—we’re stewarding a season that God has allowed, with clarity and faith.
Therapeutic Truth-Telling™ in Action
Anne already knew the truth: she didn’t want to be manipulated. She didn’t want to give an inch only to have someone else take a mile.
But what she needed was to see how truth—spoken kindly but clearly—could actually build bridges, not walls. That’s what Therapeutic Truth-Telling™ is all about. It means we tell the truth with love and purpose, even when memory fades. Even when the system pushes us to comply quietly.
Truth allows you to:
- Redirect care that doesn’t align with your values
- Say “no” to recommendations that strip dignity
- Equip your family members with clarity, not confusion
Anne started drafting her care wishes for Mike. She began emailing follow-ups with health providers. She looped in her nephew to execute her decisions—not rewrite them. That’s the fruit of Therapeutic Truth-Telling™.
Trust Isn’t a Feeling. It’s a Framework.
In Christian dementia care, trust isn’t a warm fuzzy. It’s not about finding the perfect aide or the ideal doctor. It’s about building a framework—a plan that reflects who your loved one is, who God is, and what faithful stewardship looks like.
You may never fully “feel” ready. But with the right tools, you can move forward anyway.
That’s why I created the DigniCare™ Method. It’s a biblical, step-by-step process that helps you:
- Decide to steward this role
- Clarify your values
- Assess your load
- Stabilize care systems that reflect peace and dignity
You don’t have to rebuild trust in everyone. You just need clarity about what you will and will not allow.
Here’s Your Next Step
If Anne’s story hit home, I want to invite you to the next free workshop:
Three Unusual Mistakes That Keep Christian Dementia Caregivers Overwhelmed
August 9 at 12pm ET
We’ll walk through:
- Why you feel stuck, even when you’re doing all the “right” things
- How to name what matters most in your caregiving
- Practical shifts that restore peace, without losing control
Friend, trust can be rebuilt. Not because everyone deserves it. But because God is not a God of confusion. There is a way to walk this road with clarity.
You are not alone.
You are not powerless.
And you are not failing.
You just need a new way forward.
Let’s build it together
Transcript
Trust as the Foundation
[0:01] Anne didn’t hesitate. When I asked her what it would take to make caregiving easier, she said one word, trust. Not time, not money, not help, but trust. Maybe you have felt it too. You know you need support, but you’ve had caregivers who’ve overstepped, doctors who haven’t listened, or family who thought that they knew better. After enough of these moments, it just feels safer to carry it all yourself. But let’s pause right here. What if the problem isn’t that you don’t want help? What if it’s that you’ve never had help that you can trust? and what if that could change? Today we’re talking about what it really takes to let others in without losing control, without compromising care, and without giving up your voice as their caregiver. Hey Christian Care Companion, welcome to Dementia Caregiver Support for Christians, the podcast where we talk with spouses, adult children, and other family members honestly about the tensions you face, the decisions you carry, and the faith that keeps you going.
[1:30] This is where biblical truth meets practical caregiving without guilt, without fluff, and without overwhelm. And if you need more help mapping this out practically, I’m inviting you to join me to our new free workshop on August the 9th at 12 p.m. Eastern. It is called Three Unusual Mistakes That Keep Christian Dementia Caregivers Overwhelmed. Here we are going to unpack the surprising things that quietly keep you stuck and how to take a faithful, clear step forward in your dementia caregiving that will bring you peace.
The Challenge of Seeking Help
[2:19] I invite you to register now at thinkdifferentdementia.com forward slash WSL. And now I invite you to listen to my conversation with a member of our community, Anne, who is struggling to trust others and protect her loved one.
[2:48] Hello, Anne. How are you? Let’s say it is six months from today and things are easier in your caregiving journey. What would it take for you to get there? I would need some more help. Somebody else I could lean on. So what is standing in your way to achieving that needing more help? Trust.
[3:13] Tell me more. yeah i’m looking into hiring a company that i already have i get a certain amount of hours per week through the va but when they were coming to me previously up until two months ago they could cook they could do so many things and then somebody realized that the va is paying for my services and they cut back on what they can do so i have said okay they can’t cook, the main thing i’d love for them to do is for the four hours they’re here just be with mike and get him to do some exercises um one respite care lady i have takes him to the pool weather permitting now and that’s the main thing that needs to be done but I do need somebody that when I interact with him like this morning and he upsets me and he does things that are not nice I should have somebody to talk to you’re good at it but we’re not in this program but somebody I can just, you know, vent to about it.
[4:31] My nephew is stepping up and he will be helping us with financials and medical stuff for me. When my time comes and needs. He’s coming to visit. He lives in another state. Okay. So, you know, that’ll be a help. And I’m thinking today for the first time, his wife also interacted with, this is Sweetie. She works at a preschool.
[5:00] And she and I just laugh about what the- What the little kiddos are doing. Yes. For sure. She stopped calling them her kids. I bet you her sons didn’t like that after a while. That’s okay. Even though they’re in their late teens now. For sure. So now she calls them all her littles.
Understanding Trust in Care
[5:20] Okay, her littles. So, Anne, you said something very interesting that I really want to circle back to. Thank you. You said right at the beginning, when I asked you what would it take to achieve that, you said trust.
[5:35] Yeah. Trust in what? Trust in who? Is it trust in the process? Is it trust in the particular company? Is it trust in the particular humans coming into your house? Tell me a little bit more about what you mean when you said trust. What would it take to achieve the goal of needing more help? Your automatic response was trust. Yeah. In the past, I’ve seen how doctors work to keep a body alive, not a quality of life. I’ve seen how people, you give them an inch and then they try and tell you what to do and how to do it and such. And I know Mike well enough that I don’t want somebody coming in and starting an argument about his care.
The Healthcare System Dilemma
[6:33] Okay. So can I paraphrase that? Yes, please. Okay. It sounds to me, and please correct me if I’m wrong, that you don’t trust the healthcare system.
[6:46] Oh, no. I took a course on being hospice care and realized I just, I’m not able to do that. and the story said, yeah. Let’s talk about this real quick because you said, I asked what about trust, what? You said the doctors working just to keep a body alive, people coming in and taking an inch and then giving an inch and then taking a mile and people coming in and second guessing your decisions with Mike. Those were in essence, the three things you said. And what I’m proposing to you is that what you actually vocalized from the outside looking in is that you don’t trust the system. Our health care system? Mm-hmm. No, not at all. Okay. So that is a very important thing for us to briefly unpack because I think it’s a very valid concern. Okay? So might I unpack that for you for a couple of minutes? Okay. Okay. Keep in mind we have to use the VA. I understand, and your hands are bound with the VA, but that does not mean that you do not have a voice.
[8:07] Yes. Okay. So just because you have to use the VA does not mean that you cannot direct the care. Mm-hmm. Okay. So recently, I have a couple of private clients that I work with, and the healthcare system has now resulted and caused significant, significant family dissension. Because there are three young men with the mother who has young adult onset. She’s not a young adult anymore, but she’s had it for the last 11 years. They’re in their early 30s. One of the sons is willing and able and has the capacity to be the hands-on caregiver. And two of the boys went to the doctor’s office with their mother. And the healthcare provider said it’s time to put her in a facility.
[9:09] Okay, so now we have a perfectly capable and able adult son willing to provide
Navigating Family Dynamics
[9:17] care for his mom that the other brother who is married now has it in his head. The only best recommendation for her is that she go to a facility. She has the resources to provide for care at home as well as in a facility, and she has a provider, a care partner who is willing to keep her at home and take care of her at home. And that healthcare provider, when they come from that perspective that that is the solution, she’s not hard, she’s not unsafe, she’s not walking out the door, has caused so much dissension in this family that it is likely going to end up in a court of law. So the reason I bring all of that out for you, Anne, is the following. You are Mike’s power of attorney.
[10:14] You are his health care power of attorney and his durable power of attorney. You know your husband extremely well you’ve been married 58 58 years number one you don’t look old enough i know right and number two you know mike the best the doctors can make a recommendation only.
[10:41] They cannot make a they cannot require you to do anything.
[10:49] Okay. You do have the authority and the involvement to make the decisions for him. So what I want to give to you today as a gift is you do have the power of directing Mike’s care. You know what quality of life looks like. There’s quantity and quality of life. definitely right so you know what quality of life you want to have with mike and because i’ve seen some photos of you guys recently he still has very good quality of life and unless he wakes up um you know tomorrow morning with the lord he has some time left right what i want you to do though is I really want you to sit and reflect on when these decisions, if they need to be made, when these decisions need to be made, have pre-thought through what you are going to do.
Directing Care Decisions
[12:06] So what I mean by that is you already know your husband. Would he want a feeding tube? Yes or no? I’m not asking for an answer. I’m just giving you some prompts. Would he want a feeding tube? Yes or no? Would he want to die at home? Yes or no? Do you feel like you would want him to die? Yes or at home? Yes or no? If he has a massive heart attack today…
[12:28] And you go to the hospital and they say to you, what do you want to do? What are you going to do? Are you going to say, you know, do what needs to be done, which is what I would recommend because it’s a new thing, right? Do what needs to be done, but know if things go south. But ask questions about what they’re going to recommend and what they would do for a family member of their own. Yeah. Exactly. So please think through all of these things. And I’d encourage you, and unfortunately I don’t remember the episode, but when my mom passed away, but I did an episode in the podcast, it would have been at the beginning of March, going over the fact that because I had thought through all of the contingencies of what might happen, not the specifics, but if… She had COVID and needed to go on a vent. What would I do? If whatever. So when my mom coded in that procedure, I already knew what to do and I didn’t even think about it and I told them stop the code. Okay? So what I’m asking you to do, sweet lady, is use this time while things are still pretty level to think through your decisions about what you would do to direct Mike’s care. Do not let anybody tell you.
[13:57] To do something that you do not want to do or do not believe is right. They can only make a recommendation. They cannot make it a requirement.
[14:07] And make sure that you document for yourself as well as Mike preferences, what you’d like. And ensure that your nephew who’s involved knows. Is on board. Not on board. He does not need to be on board. He just needs to be able to implement. Okay.
[14:30] It’s not his decision to make. And that is the thing. You need to be very clear. Like, these are our decisions. Your job is to implement what we want. Exactly. And Mike and I have just quite a few. Have you ever seen the paper? It’s available online. It’s a little booklet that a friend in Alzheimer’s had
Steps Towards Empowerment
[14:52] given me. It’s called Five Wishes. And it’s about end of life i have seen five wishes it’s a very great great resource yeah for discussion and everything yes yeah so to close our conversation what is one thing based off of what we just talked about today that you are going to perhaps do to take you closer to that goal of trusting in this caregiving journey taking over more control of what might happen uh by more research and such and i will be sending you an email and uh talking about something else with his health care okay make sure we do it right that sounds perfect and keep a lot prayer going. God bless you all. You too, sweet lady.
[15:47] People who are really benefiting from the community are the people who joined earlier on, before they need it, and that have been active and are participating in the community because then they already know what questions to ask, and they have a place to come, and they’re not constantly wondering, what do I need to do? How do I need to do it? So people listening are interested in tapping into or learning about the community, I’d invite you to just go to the website, thinkdifferentdementia.com. There’s a link for you to schedule a 20-minute call. There’s no pressure. I’ll serve you regardless of whether you join the community or not. But it is a way for you to take this relationship a little deeper, a little bit more hands-on support, because really the research also shows its longitudinal support over time. Absolutely. Yeah, for sure. I would highly recommend Lizette. She’s awesome. I appreciate that endorsement.
