“How can I help without making things harder?”
That’s the question Helen keeps asking herself. She isn’t her sister’s primary caregiver—her brother-in-law is—but her heart is still in the thick of it. She loves her sister dearly and wants to help. The challenge? Her own health is unpredictable, and she often finds herself out of sync with her brother-in-law’s schedule. Sometimes he even forgets she’s supposed to visit.
If you’ve been in Helen’s shoes, you know the ache. You want to show up, but you’re not sure how to do it in a way that truly helps. You feel the emotional weight of caregiving without having full authority—and that can be frustrating and disorienting.
She Had the Desire, But Not the Plan
Helen wants more time with her sister, but health setbacks and missed connections with her brother-in-law leave her discouraged. Without a clear plan, every visit feels like a moving target.
Here’s the truth: support without structure often adds more stress to the primary caregiver. Caregiving clarity—anchored in Scripture—reminds us that God is not a God of confusion (1 Corinthians 14:33). A little structure can turn good intentions into dependable help
Start With One Simple Shift
Two easy ways to add structure:
- Confirm the day before — A quick text the night before: “I’m planning to come tomorrow at 2 p.m. Does that still work for you?”
- Check the morning of — Life happens. A brief follow-up that morning helps avoid wasted trips or missed opportunities.
Consider a Standing Date
When possible, set a recurring day and time for visits. For example: “I’ll be there every Monday from 1–4 p.m.” This frees everyone from constant rescheduling and gives the primary caregiver a reliable window to rest, run errands, or tackle big tasks.
But flexibility matters, too. If you or the caregiver have a variable schedule, keep your “standing time” but confirm weekly to account for changes.
Why This Matters Spiritually
It’s easy to think, “If I can’t do it perfectly, I might as well not try.” But caregiving—even from the sidelines—is part of your sanctification journey. Faithful support doesn’t always mean more hours; it often means more clarity.
When you show up consistently and predictably, you reflect God’s steady character. You become a small but vital source of peace in a caregiver’s week.
Practical Ways to Support Without Guilt or Chaos
- Communicate in advance – Give as much notice as possible.
- Be specific – Offer a set time rather than “Let me know if you need me.”
- Give the caregiver options – “Would Monday or Thursday work better for you this week?”
- Think win-win – Frame visits as a way for them to do something they can’t easily do with their loved one present.
- Follow through – Reliability over frequency builds trust.
Therapeutic Truth-Telling™ in Action in Family Care
Helen’s health sometimes interferes with her plans. Instead of hiding that fact or pushing herself to exhaustion, she chooses honesty:
- “My health has good and bad days, but when I commit to coming, I’ll always confirm the day before.”
- “If I have to cancel, I’ll let you know as early as possible so you can adjust.”
Begin With the End in Mind
In the DigniCare™ Method, we ask: Three months from now, what would make you say, “I’ve been faithful in my role, honored my loved one, and supported the primary caregiver well”?
For Helen, that means being present with her sister regularly, without creating confusion or frustration. For you, it might mean becoming the “anchor visitor” the family can count on.
Your Takeaway:
You don’t have to be the primary caregiver to make a meaningful impact. By adding structure, communicating clearly, and practicing Therapeutic Truth-Telling™, you bring peace—not pressure—to a caregiver’s already full plate.
One Small Next Step:
This week, choose one caregiver you want to support. Text them today with a specific day and time you can help. Then follow through. Small, steady actions speak volumes.
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Transcript
Heartbreak and Caregiving
She isn’t the one making the decisions, but she is the one feeling the heartbreak. Helen wants to help her sister, to show up, to love well, to ease the burden. She is not the primary caregiver, but her heart is still fully invested. And yet, her own health is up and down. She is not always sure when to come, and sometimes her brother-in-law forgets she’s even supposed to be there. Hey, Christian Care Companion. Welcome to Dementia Caregiver Support for Christians. I’m your host, Lizette Kluten. Maybe you’ve been there too. You are not in the driver’s seat, but you’re still on the journey. You’re not in the home, but the weight of it all is still landing on your heart. You want to help, but you just don’t know how to do it without adding more stress.
Navigating Tension with Helen
In today’s episode, we walk with Helen as she navigates that tension. You will hear how we uncovered the core roadblock that keeps her from showing up consistently.
Why setting expectations can actually feel freeing for everyone involved, and a few simple ways you can support the primary caregiver without guilt, confusion, or chaos. Sometimes the most faithful support doesn’t come from doing more. It comes from showing up with clarity and care. And if you have questions about your own caregiving situation, big or small, join me live for our next Ask the Dementia Coach session. You can register at thinkdifferentdementia.com forward slash ask. And the next session is Saturday, August the 23rd at 12 p.m. Eastern. It is for Christian caregivers who want biblical wisdom and practical help in real time.
Come ask your question or just listen in. Yet again, register at thinkdifferentdementia.com forward slash ask. Now, let’s dive into today’s Caregiver Support in Action episode number 276. With Helen, how to truly help the dementia caregiver when you are not the one in charge.
Ms. Helen has been here before, so I know her pretty well. So, Helen, I’m still going to take you through those questions.
All right? And we’ll see how it goes today. So, let’s say it is six months from today and things are easier for you helping your sister and your brother-in-law. What would that look like now? I’ve been thinking about that all day long. Good! I’m so glad I’m training you. I’m trying to think. Because, well, I don’t want to take up too much time, but the last two months, my sister has digressed more. Okay. And she finds it hard to, which is hard because when they’re out shopping, if she has to go to the bathroom, that my brother-in-law can’t go in with her. But I guess there is a few bathrooms that he can. Okay. But what would make it easier for you in helping your brother-in-law? So how can we make it easier for you so that you can help your brother-in-law? Well, if I could be over them more times, but he did take her to daycare on Tuesday, and that didn’t go very good. Okay, so do you want to talk about that for a minute? Why did it not go pretty good? Well, he stayed for the whole thing. He’s up for 15 minutes, and I think she got pretty confused. And that night, Tuesday night, she didn’t sleep a wink, and he wondered if she had taken her medication. He wasn’t sure, but she didn’t sleep at all. Okay. And he was going to try it on Thursday, but I haven’t been talking to him. Okay.
So I’m not sure how that went on Thursday. But she is confused more. And of course, six months from now, it’ll be Christmas. Mm-hmm.
And it’s hard to say what she’ll be like and how I can help her or help him.
Seeking More Time
But how can I make it easier for you? Just, I don’t know, if I can spend more time with her. Okay. Would it be okay if we try to unpack that?
Sure. Yes, go ahead. What is standing in your way of spending more time with her? Well, as I said, I’ve been under the weather myself the last few weeks, and I’m just recuperating. And I was going to go over there Wednesday, but I guess things changed. He forgot, or they were outdoors working in the yard, and she was helping my guests. So I haven’t been over there too much the last two weeks. Okay. So what I heard you say, Helen, and help me and please correct me if I’m wrong. I am wrong a lot. But just in our little conversation so far, I know from previous conversations with you that your health kind of has some ups and downs and I don’t need specifics. And that from what you just described is wanting to spend more time with your sister, right? So you have You have your own health that you have to prioritize because you have to take care of yourself. And you want to spend time with your sister, which is absolutely understandable. And I value that you want to spend additional time with her, recognizing that she has less time available. And we need to see how we can either give you some strategies in order to be able to do that or we need to start to look at managing expectations, okay?
Strategies for Caregiving
So may I give you a few suggestions related to what we just talked about? Sure, go ahead. Okay, so the first thing is, you know, notwithstanding whatever’s going on with your health, right, just keep doing the things that you need to do to maintain and improve your own health. So doctor’s appointments, sleeping well yourself, exercising, eating well, all of those kinds of things. Now, back to the more practical, tangible part related to how do we structure it so that you can spend more time with your sister. Maybe an easy strategy is it sounds like this last week he might have forgotten that you guys had set up time to come the night before texting him. Kind of like you get all these hundreds of reminders about me to show up today, right? Right, right. So text him the night before and remind him and say, hey, brother-in-law, I’m coming to visit my sis tomorrow at XYZ time so that it’s more in front of his mind. And since we know that a family caregiver who’s on duty 24 hours a day gets distracted and forgets stuff and is having a good day related to their own energy, whatever, that they maybe want to go do the yard work or she’s at a point where he can take her with to go do the yard work.
So reminding him the day before and maybe texting him the morning or a couple of hours and just confirming, is it still okay for me to come today at this time? Or even positioning it from, would it be helpful to you if I come today between two and four so that you can go do something else? Yeah, that sounds good. Okay. Okay, so that’s a very practical, tangible way that you can actually help remind him of these opportunities that you’re creating because it’s a win-win on both sides, right? Right, yeah, right. It’s a win for you because you get to spend time with your sister, and it is a win for your brother-in-law because he knows he can trust her with you, and he can go do something else. Right. So I want to create a little more structure around that for you so that
Creating Structure
it would be more helpful to him. How does that sound to you? Yes, that sounds good.
Wonderful. So what’s one action that you can take from our conversation today in order for this to become a reality in your life with your sister? Yes. Just remind him the night before. Okay. And if you need to, you can also go and, you know, put it on your, another way that you can do this is make it a very set time every week. Right. So if it’s not a very specific schedule, remind him the day before. If it is a very specific schedule or ask him if it would be helpful for it to be a very strict schedule that you always come on Wednesday from one to five. Okay. Because sometimes they have appointments or something or I have appointments. Right. It varies sometimes, but. I understand. But a way to simplify that is to actually say, talk to him and say, on Monday afternoon, I won’t schedule appointments.
So that I can come be with her on Monday afternoon. Perhaps we should not schedule appointments so that you can go do other stuff. For example, with me, with my parents, when I was helping them, I scheduled all of their medical appointments on one specific day of the week, always, so that I could know that that was the day I was going to do it. So maybe talk to your brother-in-law. So here’s your homework, Helen. Talk to your brother-in-law and ask him which one of the two options will make it easier for him. These drop-in sessions that are not predetermined or scheduling it and the two
Homework for Helen
of you agree, that’s the day you come and that gives him permission that day to go away. Okay, yeah, I can do that. Okay, so you got a little bit of homework for me. Right, yes, thank you. You are welcome and I hope to hear back how it goes. Yeah. Well, last time I didn’t, it was, he had plans changed. So I didn’t, I didn’t answer you back last time. That’s okay. I totally get that. And I, you know, my emails are starting to increase a little bit more. So I don’t always remember to get back to people. It’s not because I don’t want to. It’s just because I’m human. Yeah. Right. You’re good enough. Okay. Thanks Sue. You are welcome, Helen. I love seeing you. I love seeing your smiling face. I love having you come. Thank you for coming.
Community Support and Resources
People who are really benefiting from the community are the people who joined earlier on before they need it and that have been active and are participating in the community because then they already know what questions to ask and they have a place to come and they’re not constantly wondering, what do I need to do? How do I need to do it? So people listening are interested in tapping into or learning about the community. I’d invite you to just go to the website and think differentdementia.com. There’s a link for you to schedule a 20-minute call. There’s no pressure. I’ll serve you regardless of whether you join the community or not, but it is a way for you to take this relationship a little deeper, a little bit more hands-on support, because really the research also shows it’s longitudinal support over time. Absolutely. Yeah, for sure. I would highly recommend Lizette. She’s awesome. I appreciate that endorsement.
