Communicating with an Agitated Spouse with Dementia
Can the way you speak to your loved one make dementia caregiving harder or easier? Absolutely.
Many caregivers believe their role is to keep their spouse happy at all costs—but what if that very mindset is making things more stressful?
In Episode 235, we explore a real-life coaching session with Thomas, a husband caring for his wife of nearly 50 years, and uncover the surprising connection between communication, mood, and peace at home.
Why Communication Matters More Than Ever
Dementia changes the way the brain processes information, which means that:
❌ Reasoning and explaining often don’t work.
❌ Correcting can lead to frustration and conflict.
❌ Your tone and facial expressions matter just as much as your words.
Thomas has been trying his best, but old patterns of communication aren’t working anymore. He wants to keep his wife happy, but no matter what he does, she still gets agitated, resistant, or sad.
The problem isn’t Thomas—it’s that dementia requires a new way of interacting.
How to Change the Way You Communicate
Here’s what caregivers can do to decrease frustration and create a calmer home environment:
💡 1. Focus on Emotion, Not Logic
Instead of trying to reason with your loved one, meet them where they are emotionally. If they’re upset, acknowledge their feelings rather than trying to correct their thinking.
💡 2. Use Gentle, Step-by-Step Guidance
If getting ready for bed is a struggle, don’t say, “It’s time for bed.” Instead, break it down:
✔️ “Come with me.” (Walk them to the bedroom.)
✔️ “Let’s put on your cozy pajamas.” (Help with dressing.)
✔️ “I’ll turn down the blankets for you.” (Ease into the transition.)
Small, gentle steps feel less overwhelming than a broad instruction.
💡 3. Control Your Own Energy
People with dementia mirror the emotions of those around them. If you’re stressed, frustrated, or exhausted, they will feel it too. By managing your own tone, body language, and stress levels, you can create a calmer environment.
💡 4. Reframe Your Role
You can’t always make your loved one happy, but you can create moments of comfort and security. Release the pressure to fix everything and focus on being present.
Read more: How To Balance Family, Caregiver Guilt, And Practical Dementia Care Decisions
Small Changes, Big Impact
Dementia caregiving isn’t about fixing everything—it’s about adjusting how you respond. The words you choose, your tone, and your emotions shape the way your loved one feels and reacts.
By focusing on emotional connection over logic, breaking tasks into simple steps, and managing your own stress, you can create a calmer, more peaceful environment for both of you.
You’re not alone in this journey. With faith, patience, and small communication shifts, you can bring more ease into your caregiving experience.
Are You A Christian Dementia Caregiver Struggling To Cope With Caregiving?
Join the FREE “Ask the Dementia Coach” Monthly Meet Up! And be on the podcast, get support and your questions answered.
Transcript
Introduction to Dementia Caregiving
[0:00] Can the way you speak to your loved one make dementia caregiving harder or easier? In today’s live Dementia Caregiver Support episode, you’ll hear a real conversation with Thomas, a husband caring for his wife with dementia. Together, we uncover the surprising connection between your mood, your tone, and your spouse’s well-being and how small changes in communication can restore peace at home. Now, I want you to note that in this episode, you may hear Thomas’s wife occasionally chime in during the conversation. This is a reality for many spousal caregivers who rarely have private time to ask for help, and it is a part of what makes real-life caregiving so challenging. Many Christian caregivers believe their role is to keep their spouse happy, no matter what the cost. But what if that very mindset is actually making your caregiving harder? In this caregiver support episode with Thomas.
[1:08] A husband who is trying his best to care for his wife after nearly 50 years of marriage, we unpack the communication traps that happen when dementia changes the rules. You’ll hear how old habits of reasoning, explaining, and correcting no longer work, and what to do instead. As you listen, you’ll notice moments where Thomas’s wife joins our conversation unprompted, a reminder that in dementia caregiving, privacy is a luxury many caregivers no longer have. This real-life glimpse into their home offers both practical strategies and faith-based encouragement for any Christian caregiver who is feeling stuck in
The Challenge of Keeping Loved Ones Happy
[1:54] constant conflict, longing for peace in their home.
[1:57] Hey Christian Care Companion, welcome to Dementia Caregiver’s Support for Christians, the podcast where I teach Bible-believing Christians how to think differently about dementia caregiving. If you are a Christian spouse like Thomas, an adult daughter like me, or a family member of somebody living with dementia and want to find more clarity, less stress, and provide better care, this podcast is for you. Here we provide you with practical solutions, hope, and encouragement for caregiving using a biblical lens. We also will be looking at a glimpse into another Ask the Dementia Coach monthly question and answer session. Our next one is coming up soon on March 27th at 6 p.m.
[2:47] Eastern time. When you register and join, you will find a community, you will receive live caregiver support, and you will leave feeling encouraged and empowered with your very next step in your caregiving journey. So listen to today’s episode where we talk to Thomas, a recent participant in one of our monthly Ask the Dementia Coach question and answer sessions. And please forgive the audio if it is a little less stellar than usual, but I believe this to be a good example of true live dementia caregiver support in action. Yet again, to register, the link is at my website at thinkdifferentdementia.com and you can also get it from the show notes below.
[3:39] Welcome. Okay, good. How are you? I’m a little bit tired. Okay. I’m a caregiver and I’m just trying to learn as much as I can. Okay. Some form of dementia. So I have a very, very structured way of doing these calls. Okay. So I’m going to start with you. You’re a current caregiver, correct? Correct. Okay. Let’s say it’s about six months from now and things are easier for you as a caregiver, what does that look like for you? Well, it looks a little more organized, a little more calm, a little better understanding, better physicians, support, and that kind of thing. Okay. Right now, everything seems to be scattered around. Okay. Nothing’s coordinated. Okay. That is a really good insight. And what is the biggest thing holding you back from actually getting more organized or having more understanding or feeling like things are less scattered around? Time and trying to figure out where you go for appointments. Very hard to find a neurologist. Trying to keep up with my stuff and her stuff. Okay. Is logistics a good word, do you think? Yeah, that’s some of it. And some of it is trying to keep her in a better mood. Okay.
[4:54] You may be able to hear her in the background a bit. Well, it kind of sounds like it could be the TV, so it’s okay. No, the TV is muted right now. Okay. A couple of things just popped out at me based on what you were saying was trying to keep her in a better mood.
[5:13] Right. Okay. And so I don’t aggravate her mood. Okay. Because after,
Understanding Caregiver Frustrations
[5:17] you know, a while you get tired. I do. I do understand that. So what is your question for me today? My first question would be, how do I keep her happy? Okay. Can you give me a scenario or an example? Tell me what’s happening. Sometimes getting her to go to bed at night, peacefully, you know, get her pajamas on, get her into bed, quiet. I can’t wait to get in bed. So can I paraphrase? Sure. It sounds to me like you might be struggling with her resisting your care. Or resisting being helped? I feel like I’m ruining his life. Oh, okay. Well, why do you say that, young lady? Because he’s so angry at me. Okay. So how about I speak with Thomas and we see if we can unpack that a little bit, okay? Don’t talk to my daddy, don’t worry. Okay, she’s going to help. So, Thomas, may I ask a clarification question? How long have you and your wife been married? Almost 50 years. Almost 50 years, okay. And where in the United States do you guys live?
[6:25] Chesapeake, Virginia. Okay. So up in the Virginia Bay area. Do you have a formal diagnosis? Yeah. And how long has she had this diagnosis? Probably almost two years. Two years. And did they tell you what’s specific? Not really. Okay. So I’m going to give you a quick little overview of the three different buckets or stages. Okay. Okay. And then I need you to tell me which one she’s in. Okay. I would say offhand, because I have books and all that. The third stage, middle of the third stage. Okay, so I use like a three-stage, mild, moderate, and severe, okay? I’d be moderate. Okay, so in the moderate stage, the person is starting to have difficulty with the quality of the care, like their self-care. They’re still physically able to do it, but their quality is starting to go away. The person is also starting to skip steps when they’re doing things, so they’re not sequencing it through the right way. They may be starting to need more assistance in things like choosing clothing or finding the right attire to wear or starting to maybe get lost when you go places, those kinds of things. Was that an accurate summary of where you guys are? Okay. Yeah. So when she is getting a little bit unhappy, you mentioned the words trying to keep her happy.
[7:52] What kind of things are happening?
[7:55] She just gets pretty much agitated when I try something. Okay.
[8:01] Can you tell me how you’re speaking with her or what you’re kind of, you know, give me details because the answer is actually in the detail. Right. Um, she just asked me, can she talk? She is welcome to talk. I’d love to talk to her. Well, I only have one of the problems. Okay. I just feel like I’m doing my husband’s life. Okay. I want him to be happy. I don’t want him to be worried about me. Okay. Well, Miss, I don’t know. But if you will allow me maybe some time to talk to him privately, Maybe I can help him so that he can make you feel a little better. I feel fine. I feel sorry for him. Okay. But if you’ll allow me to help him. He’s helping me everything. My father did. And my father did. So I’m taking care of what you’re helping. I love the man. Okay. All right. So, Thomas.
Navigating Communication with Dementia
[8:57] Yeah. I am more than happy to help you dialogue about this. But we’re not going to have an effective communication with your wife present. Because I’m not going to be able to have the opportunity for you to speak freely so that I can give you strategies of what you want.
[9:18] To do. What I would love to offer you is another opportunity where maybe you have some privacy when we can set up another time and I would be happy to help you. I don’t want you to be frustrated and I don’t want you to give up hope because there are things that you can do. A little bit of stuff that I’d love you to pay attention to, Thomas, is the following. A person living with brain changes are extremely sensitive to the emotions of the people around them. Yes, I’ve noticed. So if you are feeling stressed and frustrated and overwhelmed and unorganized and scattered around, she is feeling the same things because she’s sensing it from you. Okay. So our facial expression, our tone of voice, our body language is extremely, extremely vitally important when we’re communicating with a person with brain changes. The other thing is a person with brain changes does very well with not trying to directly reason with them, but giving them and finding the next step.
[10:45] So if it’s time to go to bed and you’re struggling with that, what’s the very next thing you need to get her to do? And then you get her to do that. So if we’ve got to end up in the bedroom, but we’re not looking like we want to do that, maybe we can just get her to stand up and say, come with me. I got you. Right? So what we tend to do frequently is we, the people around them, say it’s time to bed because we have an understanding what all of these different steps are in order to go to bed, right? Right. We’ve got to brush your teeth. We’ve got to undress. We’ve got to do this. We’ve got to do that. And so there is an assumption that the spontaneity is still going to be there in the self-sequencing. So just lovingly come alongside her, not directing her, you know, but saying things like, it’s time for us to go do the specific next thing. Okay? I gotcha. And really work very hard on your own emotional energy because for me, I know with my dad.
[11:55] One of the biggest, hardest things for us is we get in conflict situations a lot and I have to work very hard to not continue to go down that road because what that person will remember is not what you said or did. They’re going to remember how you made them feel. So if she’s constantly feeling that you’re annoyed, and I’m not saying that you are, but that you’re annoyed or that you’re angry or that you’re frustrated, then it’s going to continue to precipitate increasing the level in the house. And the hardest part of this conversation is she is not able to change her behavior because of the changes in her brain so the people around her need to change how they’re interacting with her so that we can take some of those responses away. I promise you it is doable, and I offer you to email me, and we’ll set up another time when you and I can just maybe talk on the phone, and I can give you some additional help. How does that sound? That sounds good to me. Okay. You do have my email, right? You know, I don’t know if I do. I should. I guess if I got onto the program here, I should have.
[13:18] You should have the emails. Yep. Okay. Yeah, it’s just being able to have somebody and talk to you. Because really, when you’re dealing with this, there’s no one really there to help you.
[13:30] That’s exactly the reason I’m trying to do this. Yes, I know. And that’s what I saw in your program. Well, I’m very excited that you’re here. I know this wasn’t necessarily a complete conversation. But I promise that if you will email me, I will set up another time with you to just have a conversation where you might be able to speak a little more freely. We’ll just do it on the phone. Now, the last question I have for you today is, or a couple of questions, who do you have that supports you? Do you guys have kids? They do, but they all live far away. One’s in Houston, one’s in South Carolina, one’s in Georgia. Okay. Do you guys go to church? Do you have a church family? Yeah. Okay. And have you asked the church to maybe help you with having a woman come stay with her a few hours so you can get away and get a break? No. What I do have is I have a member from the Helping Angels, they’re called or something, that come in three times a day. Three times a day or a week? No, no, three times a week, three or four times a week. Okay. Now, during that period, are you leaving the house? When I can, yeah, because I’ve got to do some stuff around the house. I do bills and try to go over paperwork. Okay.
Support Systems for Caregivers
[14:55] I understand. She doesn’t have problems with me leaving. I just feel like I’m ruining her life. We’re not going to talk about that tonight, Thomas. You and I can have a conversation about that separately.
[15:09] I would love to suggest, Thomas, that you consider that when the paid caregivers are coming, if you’re needing to stay at home doing something, have them take her out. Yeah, then they do. Actually, they go for a walk or something like that or go out in the backyard, patio and stuff. Right. But even a lot of these paid caregiver agencies will, you need to check with them, but they can take her out to the library to go get an ice cream away from a hospital.
[15:42] Right. They’ll do that. But what I’m suggesting is that if you physically can’t leave the home because you’ve got tasks that day to do, then I’m suggesting that she needs to be somewhere else with the paid caregiver so that you can actually unplug and uncheck and do what you need to do. Right. Because even though they’re there, if you’re there, she is looking to you and you’re not getting a break. I don’t have to look at it. Okay. Yes, I do fully understand that. Wonderful. I’m so excited that you’re here. Now, can you tell me one thing of
Learning New Communication Strategies
[16:24] what we’ve talked about today that you will try after our conversation tonight? I will try to understand more about how they perceive things. In other words, I may be saying something that normally it wouldn’t sound bad, but to maybe a person may be interpreting it wrong. I think that’s a good insight. I’m so grateful, Jane.
[16:52] My thing is, how do I do it differently? So the reality of the matter is that when we’ve been married for a nanosecond or two, which close to 50 years is a few years, right? My husband and I have been married for 32 years this year. We have habit patterns of how we communicate because we’ve done them so long, so many times. And what we have to do is take it out of the routine, out of the back of your head, and literally put it in the front of your mind every single time you’re talking to her. It’s learning a new language. I see, yeah. The whole thing about this is learning a different way of communicating with the person. And it is possible. I promise you it’s possible. Okay. I’m very glad you’re here. Thank you for joining us tonight.
Building Community and Support
[17:45] And send me an email and I will get you scheduled for another phone conversation. Okay? Okay. I sure will. Thank you very much. You’re welcome very much.
[17:54] People who are really benefiting from the community are the people who joined earlier on before they need it and that have been active and are participating in the community because then they already know what questions to ask and they have a place to come and they’re not constantly wondering, what do I need to do? How do I need to do it? So people listening are interested in tapping into or learning about the community. I’d invite you to just go to the website, thinkdifferentdementia.com. There’s a link for you to schedule a 20-minute call there’s no pressure i’ll serve you regardless of whether you join the community or not but it is a way for you to take this relationship a little deeper a little bit more hands-on support because really the research also shows it’s longitudinal support over time absolutely yeah for sure i would highly recommend lizette she’s awesome i see i appreciate that endorsement you are well thank you everybody for listening today. And as I try to remember my, I try to remember, I don’t always remember. May the Lord bless you and keep you and come back and listen some more. I’m hoping to do more of these coaching style episodes on a Friday. So come back in and check us out. And thank you for being here today.
