How To Still Be A Good Dementia Caregiver When You Can’t Be There All The Time
Let’s say it is six months from today and your caregiving journey is easier. What does that look like for you?
I ask that question in every coaching session, and Episode 262 is no exception. This time the voice on the other end is Linda, a devoted daughter caring for her 89-year-old mother with dementia and her 91-year-old father—while her adult children and grandchildren live a thousand miles away.
Linda answers honestly: I guess it’s the letting go of the guilt of being there all the time. They don’t need me to be there all the time, but I have this tremendous pressure on myself.
She isn’t alone. Christian family caregivers everywhere wrestle with the fear that if they step away—even for a weekend trip to see grandkids—they’re somehow failing the Fifth Commandment. But guilt is a legal term. Guilt means sin. And, as I remind Linda on the call, caring for your parents does not require constant presence to remain within God’s will.
Providence, Not Punishment
Two years earlier Linda’s mother had a severe stroke and a fall. The midnight phone call still haunts her: When I get up in the night, I check my phone because I’m like, what if I missed a call?
That hyper-vigilance feels spiritual—“I’m being diligent!”—but in reality it’s exhausting. I invite Linda to reframe the event: Her mom’s stroke was not divine punishment; it was providence—one thread in God’s meticulous plan for Linda’s sanctification and her parents’ sanctification.
Things happen, I tell her. People have strokes, people fall. These providential situations are for our good and God’s glory. The watching world sees how we suffer and serve.
Thoughts Drive Actions
Linda is already a naturally positive person, but guilt keeps slipping back in. I remind her—and myself—that our actions follow our thoughts. If the first mental headline every morning is failure or fear, our caregiving will feel like failure and fear. Scripture calls us to “take every thought captive to obey Christ” (2 Cor 10:5). That includes the 2 a.m. dread of another phone call.
I share the car-story from my own OT fieldwork: one day I let irritation toward a student ruin a home-health visit. The next stop became a “masterpiece” only after I faked a better attitude. Was it hypocrisy? No. It was repentance in real time—choosing to align my mind with God’s truth before my emotions caught up.
From Guilt to Gratitude
Linda tells me a story that proves she already understands Therapeutic Truth-Telling™ in practice. While sorting heirlooms, her mom apologised: I’m sorry you have to drive me everywhere. Linda responded: Mom, if you weren’t in this situation, you’d be driving yourself— and I wouldn’t get all this time with you.
That single sentence turns burden into blessing. It is exactly what Therapeutic Truth-Telling™ aims for: honesty that preserves dignity and invites peace.
Planning Relieves Pressure
Severe strokes and midnight falls are unpredictable, but stewardship is not. Linda and her sister have now drafted contingency plans:
- If Dad goes first…
- If Mom declines rapidly…
- If both parents need 24-hour care…
Having a written Plan B (and C) doesn’t signal lack of faith; it demonstrates faith that God is sovereign over every scenario. It also lifts the unspoken worry that keeps caregivers glued to their phones.
Responding to Snark and Sibling Stress
Linda asks how to handle her mom’s “snarky remarks” toward her dad. I remind her that dementia often erases the emotional dimmer-switch; irritation shoots from 0 to 100. The best strategy is gentle redirection plus validation: Mom, it sounds like that bothered you. Tell me more about it.
I also note that Dad sometimes “pokes the bear.” Awareness helps Linda choose whether to intervene or quietly redirect the conversation.
As for her sister’s limited availability—due to health issues and nearby grandchildren—Linda already practices grace. The goal is not equal participation but mutual clarity on who can do what without resentment.
One Action in the Next 24 Hours
At the end of the session I always ask for a concrete step. Linda’s takeaway: I really need to remove that heaviness and say, I’m doing the best I can. We just continue to pray.
For Linda, that means:
- Booking the next Michigan visit without apology.
- Continuing therapy to process trauma from the fall.
- Using chosen memories—photos, stories, heirlooms—to create moments of joy with Mom now, before the Lord calls her home.
READ MORE: What Happens After Caregiving Ends? Why You Need a Plan Now
An Invitation to You
If guilt has become your unwanted travel-companion, remember: constant proximity is not the same as faithful presence. Providence governs every phone call and every quiet weekend away.
And if you need a safe place to work that out, join our next Ask the Dementia Coach Q&A on June 28 at 3 p.m. ET. We’ll practice Therapeutic Truth-Telling™ together, trade strategies, and remind each other that God is not a God of confusion but of order—and of rest.
May the Lord bless you and keep you on this sanctifying road.
Transcript
A Journey of Love and Guilt
[0:00] You love them. You want to be there more often. But sometimes you need rest. Time with your spouse. A trip to see your grandkids. A moment to just breathe. And yet, the guilt creeps in. Am I still a good caregiver if I’m not there every day? If you’ve ever asked yourself that quietly, this episode is for you, because dementia caregiving doesn’t always mean constant presence, but it does call for intentional love, and there is a way to do both without the guilt. Hey Christian Care Companion, welcome to Dementia Caregiver Support for Christians.
[0:50] The podcast that helps you navigate dementia care with clarity, calm, and Christ at the center. Because being made in the image of God means your value or your loved ones doesn’t disappear with memory loss. And in this season of caregiving, it’s not just something to survive. It is a part of your calling and a part of your sanctification.
[1:21] We’re not here to follow a medical model. We’re here for a relationship-centered, faithful way of caregiving, one that brings peace even when things feel uncertain. So, if you’re a Christian wife, husband, daughter, or family member trying to figure this out, I want you to know you are in the right place and you’re not alone. And if you’re listening to this thinking, this is the kind of perspective I’ve been craving, I’d love to invite you to join us live for Ask the Dementia Coach, our free monthly question and answer session. It is happening on Saturday, June the 28th at 3 p.m. Eastern. You’ll get direct answers to your questions, support from fellow Christian caregivers, and practical strategies that actually work. You can register at thinkdifferentdementia.com forward slash ask,
Coaching Through Caregiving Challenges
[2:29] and I’d truly love to see you there. Now, let’s step into a heartfelt conversation I had with Linda.
[2:38] A daughter caring for her parents while wrestling with guilt, distance, and what it means to be a good caregiver when you cannot always be present. Let’s listen in as I coach her about her parents and her marriage.
[2:57] Hello, Ms. Linda. How are you? I’m fine. I wish I could figure out my camera, but my husband and I tried, and I’m like, oh, well, it’s probably better anyway. It’s okay. I am so grateful you’re here, Linda. I am so excited. This is the biggest group I’ve ever had. So I take everybody through the same process because it helps make it consistent for everyone, and then I can go off on tangents all day, every day. Let’s say it is six months from today and your caregiving journey is easier. What does that look like for you? Okay, so I know you ask people this because I’ve listened to most of your podcasts, but I always wonder, like, how would I answer that? I don’t even know. I guess, and maybe I’m answering this in the wrong way, so correct me if I’m saying this wrong, is letting go of guilt of, I take care of, help take care of my parents in their home. And my mom is the one who has dementia.
[3:59] So I think it’s the letting go of the guilt of being there all the time. I would, I don’t know, I guess just not feeling guilty because I’m not there all the time. They don’t need me to be there all the time, but I have this tremendous pressure on myself to they rely on me a lot and I don’t need to be there all the time and I think sometimes I feel this guilt like our kids live in Michigan we we live in Kansas and our kids live in Michigan and the only way I really feel that I can just relax and not think of my parents is when I leave to go see my grandkids and my kids,
Overcoming Guilt in Caregiving
[4:45] Okay. I understand it. So what would it take to achieve that goal?
[4:54] I don’t know. You tell me, please. Well, we’re going, so I’ll give you a couple of ideas. Okay. Do you think it’s not knowing or anticipating what’s coming next with them? Is it because we’re struggling to handle our own stress or overwhelm? Is it knowledge? What do you think you might need? Yeah, I think it’s the overwhelming part. And I think, you know, I still have in my mind. So mom fell two years ago and I got that call and it’s crazy. I mean, I’m going to a Christian therapists to talk things through, because I think that’s still in my mind. Like, when I get up in the night, I check my phone because I’m like, okay, what if I missed a call from them or a text from them or something? And I think, like, still in my mind, when mom fell two years ago, that I don’t know. I just, I feel that pull, like, and that I need to just always be there for them. I don’t know.
[6:08] And my sister lives in the same town. We live in a small town. My sister lives here, but her kids all live, 30 minutes away and she helps with them and grandkids and she has health issues. So it’s a lot of pieces. She wants to help, but she just can’t always. And, you know, so. So can I ask a couple more contextual questions? Sure. How old is your mom? 89 and my dad is 91.
[6:37] Okay. How long has she been living with dementia? Well, that’s an interesting question because really bad stroke two years ago and that’s when she fell. But looking back, you know, you kind of see those signs. I think it really happened, probably started happening five years ago. Okay. And she really is, I mean, you know, when I hear other people’s stories, you know, I, mom is not that bad. Like she knows people, but she gets kind of in that zone of she just asking questions all the time. And then she’s very much like she just kind of hones in on things all the time. And I don’t know, gets kind of obsessed with things like, you know, so so I think the guilt for me. But I also have a question about how do you handle she’s not snippy with me ever, but she is with my dad sometimes. Not always. But I don’t know how to respond when she makes kind of snarky remarks to him.
Understanding Guilt and Its Impact
[7:45] And I will say, he pokes the bear sometimes. Like, he’ll say things in front of her. I know it’s embarrassing to her. So anyway, I talk too much. So here, I’ll let you talk. This was wonderful. Thank you for the context. I really, really appreciate it. So what I’d like to do is give you a few things that came up for me as you were talking. Is that okay? Yes, please. All right. So the first thing was where you said you feel guilty for not being there. Mm-hmm. Right? Yes. I want you to consider what does guilt actually mean? What is the word guilt actually mean? Where does it come from?
[8:31] It is a legal determination. We are guilty in front of God for sinning, right? And therefore, we deserve His judgment. That’s why we be in the mess that we be in for sin. So you have nothing to feel guilty about related to sin. This particular situation. It’s not guilt. You’re not doing anything wrong. It is not a sin in this particular situation. Could it be sinful in another situation? Yes. But in this particular situation, you have nothing to feel guilty about.
[9:17] We need to consider and always keep in the front of our mind, things happen. People have strokes, people fall, people walk out, you know, have a heart. My mom had a cardiac arrest in the middle of an EGD, right?
[9:35] Yes. These are things that happen to us in life. And these things that happen to us in life, if you are a Christian, if you are a believer, every single one of these things is part of your sanctification process, as well as theirs. It’s not just yours. It’s also their sanctification process, particularly if they are believers as well. Yes, yes. So the Lord uses these situations, the Lord uses these things, His providence, which feels sometimes hard and difficult and struggling. He uses these providential situations for our sanctification to make us more like Him and for His glory. Because guess what? There are people in the world watching you and I navigate this journey in a different way than the world, and it becomes a witness. So things are going to happen. Yes. Your mom is going to fall. Yes. Your dad is going to die.
[10:46] Yes. Mom is going to die. All of these things are going to happen. It’s how we respond to them. That makes the difference. Yes. And that’s so good. I just wanted to share, too, what you were talking about earlier. I can’t remember. I think it was with Paulette.
[11:08] My sister and I just sat down last week, and I’m so thankful that we’re on the
Transforming Thoughts and Actions
[11:15] same page, like in the care with my parents. And we just went through all the scenarios, like what happens if dad goes first what happens if mom you know so we we’ve kind of got something in place but which is so important um but you know yeah i know those things are going to happen and i don’t i i wish i didn’t feel this way i i just feel like but you can work on it yes can may i make a suggestion Yes, please. Our actions follow our thoughts.
[11:52] Our actions always follow our thoughts. Think about your day-to-day things. All of us, every single one of us here in the Zoom room, right, have woken up on the wrong side of bed. Mm-hmm. Yes. I certainly have. Yes. I’m going to use a quick little story of an actual situation with me. I had a student that was driving me nuts. We worked in home health, which meant we got in the car at eight o’clock in the morning and we spent the entire day until four o’clock in the morning sitting in a car, seeing patients, driving back and forth. And she was an emotional suck on me. And one day I got in the car and I had an attitude.
[12:42] Like the world’s worst attitude, right? I didn’t want to be there. I didn’t want to deal with her. I didn’t want any of it. And my first patient, because my background is an OT, we went. It was awful. It was awful. It was a horrible session. what I call finger paint, not a masterpiece, but finger paint, right? And we got in the car and we left there and I said to myself, you have got to change. Fake it, don’t feel it. Because I recognized that as long as I was in that headspace, as long as I was in that attitude, I was going to have a bad day. Yes. And so what I ended up doing is I literally faked it. I faked it. I got out of the car and I faked it, walked in all enthusiastic and everything. And the next session was a masterpiece. And we got into the car and I sat there and I said to my student, I said, did you notice the difference between the two sessions and what had happened? And she said to me, yes. I said, what was the difference? And she came up with all the techniques and strategies and, you know, the stuff. And I looked at her and I shook my head. I said, nope, I was different. I showed up different.
[14:03] There isn’t a particular verse in the Bible that says this, but the concept is there. We are supposed to think God’s thoughts after Him. You are supposed to take every thought, this one is, every thought captive to Christ. As long as we come into this from a, I use the word mindset, but not in the way that the world does, as long as we come into this thinking those things, we will get that result. Yes. So an opportunity for you, you mentioned you’re a Christian therapist, right? And that you’re still struggling with the emotions after your mom had that happen, right? Right. I would love for you to consider that what happened to your mom, was part of her journey and that it was for her good and for her sanctification as well as yours and take that whole experience and transform it from the negative thing that you remember into the positive thing that God wants it to be for you. I like that. Yeah. Yes, definitely.
[15:17] Our thoughts will struggle, but it’s like a spring, you know, think it can go up or it can go down. Guess what? We control our thoughts. Yes. No one knows. That’s right. We have power over this. Yes. No, I totally agree with you. And first of all, I can’t imagine you ever in a bad mood. I can’t. Oh, no, girl. Yeah, no.
[15:48] You’re wonderful. Well, that is very kind. Every single one of us struggle in thought, word, and deed. Yes, yes. I’m not perfect. I make a lot of mistakes. I was telling somebody earlier today, my besetting sin is I have a light switch anger up and down. I can get angry at the, like, I’m human. I’m human. I make mistakes. We all are. We all are, right? And I learn every single day from people like you coming into my world, talking to me, trying things. I’m in the process. I have truly, over the last little bit, recognized how vastly different the thing is that I’m doing. Because it is countercultural. And when I started down this journey, I did not want to do it. I fought and fought I’m like no lord I do not want to do this I do not want to do this he did not let me go love it, Thank goodness you listened. Thank you.
Embracing the Christian Caregiving Perspective
[16:59] So vastly changed my life and my faith. Yes. And just I’m so grateful because there is that nobody’s talking about caregiving, dementia caregiving from a Christian worldview.
[17:17] I’m very, very grateful for that. So what’s one thing that you can take away from today that will move you closer to it being easier Miss Linda? Oh boy. Well, I definitely, I love what you were saying about the actions following our thoughts. And I’ve always, my husband and I have always felt we are positive people and we always try to look on the bright side of everything. And so, and I truly feel like I do for the most part. I just, it’s just this one little feeling that I have felt. But, you know, in looking at pictures with my mom, we’ve been going through things in their house and we’re learning stories about their past and about items that she’s, you know, she’s kind of giving things to grandkids now and they’re trying to clean out a little bit in their house. But just realizing that, like when she said to me one time, I’m sorry, you have to drive me everywhere. And I I just looked at her and I said.
[18:20] Mom, if you weren’t in this situation, you’d be driving yourself and I wouldn’t get all this time with you. So I truly try to look at, you know, from the best way possible. But I think I really need to remove that heaviness from my heart and my shoulders. And I think I really need to just say, you know, I’m doing the best that I can and what I can. And I just need to, I just, we just continue to pray and, you know, thank goodness. Create, create those moments of joy. Yes. Because, you know, and the time will come and it will come quickly. Yes. When they do pass. They are 89 and 91. You are extremely blessed. Yes, we are. Yeah. But also, the biggest comfort I had after my mom passed away so suddenly was that I did everything
Finding Joy in Caregiving Moments
[19:14] that I could to make her last time on earth as easy and as fun and as loving for her as I could. Yes. And that she did not feel like a burden. I love it. She felt that way. Yeah. So you’re doing a great job, Linda. Thank you. Keep doing it. Thanks for being here, and thanks for doing this. Oh, you’re very welcome.
Building a Supportive Community
[19:41] People who are really benefiting from the community are the people who joined earlier on, before they need it, and that have been active and are participating in the community because then they already know what questions to ask and they have a place to come and they’re not constantly wondering, what do I need to do? How do I need to do it? So people listening are interested in tapping into or learning about the community. I’d invite you to just go to the website, thinkdifferentdementia.com. There’s a link for you to schedule a 20-minute call there’s no pressure i’ll serve you regardless of whether you join the community or not but it is a way for you to take this relationship a little deeper a little bit more hands-on support because really the research also shows it’s longitudinal support over time absolutely yeah for sure i would highly recommend lizette she’s awesome i see i appreciate that endorsement.
