285. How to Make Wise Decisions as a Christian Dementia Caregiver

Transcript

Introduction to Caregiver Decision Fatigue

[0:00] Caregiving is full of hard choices, and if you’re like most Christians I talk to, you already know the biggest problem I solve, decision fatigue. [0:13] You feel overwhelmed, stuck, and guilty. You know a decision has to be made, but you’re afraid of making the wrong one. So, if you’re like me, you end up doing nothing, and that only makes the weight you carry heavier. Hey, Christian Care Companion, welcome back to Dementia Caregiver Support for Christians, the podcast where I help Bible-believing Christians cut through the overwhelm and decision fatigue of dementia care so you can preserve dignity.

[0:54] Find order, and tell the truth in your caregiving journey. Because the truth is this, staying paralyzed is often more harmful than taking imperfect action. You don’t have to stay stuck. That’s why I created the Christian DigniCare Society. For about the cost of a dinner out, you’ll get lifetime access to faith-centered support filled with other Christian caregivers just like you. You’ll find a monthly Ask Me Anything time. There is going to be time for us to pray together. You’ll find curated content and a private space to ask me questions in between. Now, this is surrounded by like-minded Christian caregivers just like you. And if you join before the end of this year, I’ll personally show you the platform in a 15-minute welcome call.

[2:02] You’ll find the link in the show notes or sign up at our website at thinkdifferentdementia.com. And if you’d like to start smaller, come to our next free Ask the Dementia Coach on Saturday, September the 20th at noon Eastern. We’ll take your real decisions and walk them through a structured process so you leave with clarity and peace.

Making Faithful Decisions

[2:32] Register at thinkdifferentdementia.com forward slash ask. Now today, I want to show you how to stop spinning your wheels and start making faithful decisions. We’ll take one of the hardest questions caregivers face, is it time for memory care? And walk it through how to make wise decisions as a Christian dementia caregiver, step by step.

[3:03] So when you are exhausted just like I kind of feel right now I’ve been sick over the weekend I don’t know if you can hear this but I sound a little bit snooty to me but when you’re exhausted or sick or tired everything feels urgent and everything feels overwhelming maybe you’re in a situation where the person you are caring for is wandering at night, you’re not sleeping well, or your marriage is strained because of caregiving. And many people keep asking you or telling you, or even the healthcare system telling you, it’s time to place them in a memory care. but you feel stuck. Today I’m going to walk you through some questions that you can use to make

Is It Time for Memory Care?

[4:01] wiser decisions like this with clarity, peace, and without guilt. So the scenario that we’re going to look at today is, is it time to place mom in a memory care? We’re going to use one decision and run it through all five of these questions. And the five questions are the following. Number one, is it possible?

[4:31] Number two, does it please God? Number three, is it legal and ethical? Number four, how will this impact my family and myself? And number five, make the decision and move forward. So those are the five questions that we’re going to take this specific scenario of, is it time to place mom in a memory care? And we’re going to run it through all of these questions. So the first question is, is it possible? So the reality is, all of us are gifted by the Lord with different resources. We’re not all the same. We don’t all have the same amount of money, the same physical strength, the same emotional bandwidth to make a specific decision. So the reality check on is this possible is do we have the resources? Do we have the financial resources or have we put structure in place to make this even a possibility? Are there facilities in location that I live? Are there rooms available? Do we even want to place our person that we love in a memory care? Or can we do this with home care instead?

[6:01] Scripture tells us in Luke 14 verses 28 through 29, and I use the ESV, for which of you desiring to build a tower does not first sit down and count the cost, whether he has enough to complete it.

[6:23] Ecclesiastes 7 verse 12 says, for the protection of wisdom is like the protection of money. And the advantage of knowledge is that wisdom preserves the life of the one who has it. So scripture supports the fact that we have to count the cost. We have to count the physical, the emotional, the financial cost of making a move to memory care. And there is an emotional cost of moving somebody you love to a memory care facility. It’s not often spoken of, but that’s another conversation for another day.

[7:09] Now, what I want you to consider as you’re looking at this particular question, is it time to place mom in a memory care, is that stewardship is a requirement in this journey that we are on. God calls us to steward this journey wisely, and he calls us to measure it wisely. We have to count the cost. and not live in a place of, I want to do it, but I’m setting myself up for failure. So the first question that we have to look at is, is it possible? Financially, emotionally, physically?

Question One: Is It Possible?

[7:55] Then the second question that we’re going to run this same scenario through is, does it please God? Now, the reality is when we are making decisions with and for a person who is living with dementia, we have to come at it from the position and the place that the Lord places you in at any time and season in your life. So we have to ask, does this decision honor my parent?

[8:34] While also honoring my spouse if you are married, and my children if you have children in the house? Are you motivated by pleasing God, by love of God, not by feeling guilt or fear of judgment of man? Colossians 3 verse 17 says, And whatever you do, in word and deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him. So if you are a married woman whose mother is living with you or whose mother is living alone and you are considering memory care, the way that you have to frame this for yourself, and I’m just speaking to the adult daughters right now, is God has actually placed you in a position where you are to honor your parents and it comes secondary to your marriage. So your first primary relationship is that of your relationship with your spouse.

[9:56] Then your children, and then your parent. That is the God-given order, specifically if you have children in the home that you are still raising and you’re trying to help your parent. Micah says in chapter 6, verse 8, He has told you, O man, what is good, and what does the Lord require of you but to do justice and to love kindness and to walk humbly with your God. And so, does it please God in obedience? That means we have to please him in truth, justness, and kindness, and we have to factor in all of these things as we are making this decision, whether to place mom in a memory care. The third question you always have to ask yourself, is it legal and ethical? Is it legal and ethical? So the reality is, or our reality check for today’s episode is, do we have the ability, the authority to make that decision? Are the documents in place, the financial power of attorney, the healthcare power of attorney? Have we looked at whether we have that.

[11:26] To actually make that decision? Am I being transparent in my looking at this, in making these decisions? Have I looked at the contracts? Have I sat down with a person who can help me determine the specific facility? Remember, placing or having somebody go to a facility in and of itself is not wrong. It is not wrong in the right circumstances to help place a parent in a facility if you have considered and counted the cost.

[12:10] Exodus 20 verse 12 says, Honor your father and your mother so that your days may be long in the land that the Lord your God is giving you. So making an ethical and legal decision to place somebody in a facility has specific things that you have to consider, but in and of itself, it is not a wrong decision in the right circumstances. And having said that, it is also sometimes the wrong decision to keep somebody at home, ethically and legally, it is sometimes the wrong decision to keep somebody at home instead of placing them in a facility. So we have to consider that when we’re making these decisions.

[13:05] Proverbs 11 verse 3 says, the integrity of the upright guides them, But the crookedness of the treacherous destroys them. So when we are making these decisions lawfully and truthfully with integrity, we are honoring God and we are honoring the person that we are helping.

[13:32] Now, the fourth question is, how does this impact myself and my family? Now, you have to consider that the Lord has placed you in a specific role, a specific position at a specific time in your life. It is not by mistake. It is not an error. And so the reality check is, it could be that keeping your mom at home might not be the best decision if it is going to damage your marriage, if it is going to so impact your relationship with your own children, but particularly if it impacts your relationship with your husband. I’ll never forget one of my previous clients.

[14:28] I mention her a lot. If she’s listening, Pam, I still love you and thank you for still being in my world. We had a sit-down and very open and frank conversation related to this specific question on how it will impact my family and myself with her and her husband when she was walking this journey of keeping her mom at home because her husband was not 100% on board and it was causing her problems in her marriage. And so we had to sit down and have this conversation that if her husband could not in good conscience become 100% convicted that keeping her mom at home was the right thing to do, that they needed to consider.

[15:23] A placement situation because placing her mom at that time could restore her to her rightful role of his wife and being her daughter again and not just the caregiver. The reality was in their particular situation, her mom had another underlying condition and actually quickly passed away, and so she did remain at home with her daughter, Pam. But 1 Timothy 5, verse 8 says, But if anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for members of his household, he is denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever. But that does not imply that you do not count the costs, right? What that does say and what it does mean is we have a responsibility for taking care of mom, but that doesn’t require that that taking care of mom be in your own home or in her own home. Facility-based care can be the right decision for the right person.

[16:41] Philippians 2 verse 4 says, Let each of you look not to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. And so sometimes when we are the daughter who is the caregiver, we are trying to honor us specifically as a Christian. We are trying to honor our parent. And sometimes well-meaning people in church can tell you that that means that they should stay at home. That does not necessarily mean that they should stay at home. And so I want you to consider that we have to make these decisions not from a one-sided perspective, but from a looking at the whole ecosystem, the whole big picture from God’s perspective. And God is not a God of confusion. God is a God of order. And you know that and I know that. His design is clear. He says in Mark 10 verse 9, whatever God has joined together, Let no man separate. So if your caregiving role as a woman, as a daughter, as a son is coming in between you and your marriage, your primary role is to protect your marriage, then your children, and then your parents.

Question Two: Does It Please God?

[18:10] I’ll never forget this. It was somebody who was talking with working with me and never actually started to work with me, whose very first thing that they told me was, my wife and my mother do not get along, and made a very unwise decision to move their mom in with them. And it was not super long afterwards when I heard that they had actually, in essence, had to place their mom in a memory care and it almost sidelined their marriage and their finances. So making these decisions unwisely is costly, not just costly in relationships, but costly in finances, costly in relationships, and you have to factor in how it is going to influence you and your family because God is God is a God of order and his order includes your marriage if you are a married caregiver taking care specifically of a parent and then lastly make a decision and move forward so what I’d love you to consider doing is once you have taken in all of the information, prayed about it, spoken to your spouse.

[19:34] Checked these questions that we’ve just talked about how to make a decision, is it possible? Does it please God? Is it legal and ethical? And how does it impact myself and my family and then you make a decision.

[19:52] You make a decision and you act. You don’t stay stuck because there are very, very few decisions. And I tell my clients this in our coaching sessions all the time.

[20:09] There are very few decisions that we make that we cannot undo. We can undo a decision to keep somebody at home, and we can undo a decision to send somebody to a memory care. These are not do-or-die types of decisions.

[20:29] Proverbs 3, verses 5 and 6 says, Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge him, and he will make your path straight. Psalm 37 verse 5 says, commit your way to the Lord, trust in him, and he will act. He’s already predetermined everything that you and I are struggling with, everything that you and I are thinking through. The Lord has already determined and from the beginning. So, God will direct your step. And often, indecision is more harmful than making an imperfect decision and taking an imperfect step. So, for today, what I want you to take away from today’s episode is start with the reality. Ask if it’s an even possible thing.

[21:40] Is it even possible to place this person that you love in a memory care? Do you have the finances? Were plans put in place earlier on so that you can make this decision? Then please God, your motives.

[21:56] Your underlying inside motives are way more important than the appearances of the decision that you’re making. It is not necessarily a good and right and holy decision to keep somebody at home. Sometimes it is the best thing for placement. I’m not saying it is the best thing. I’m saying that sometimes it is. Then stay within ethical and lawful parameters.

Question Three: Is It Legal and Ethical?

[22:31] Your integrity in making this decision is not negotiable, not negotiable at all. If you do not have the authority to make the decision, then you need to start there. You need to protect then your family order. If you are a wife or a son who is married. Your marriage comes first, your children come next, and then your parents. We’re not going to kick them to the curb. That is not what I want you to hear me saying.