How To Make Dementia Caregiving Feel Easier By Defining Roles
Who’s Rowing the Boat in Your Family?
Picture this: you’re in a little rowboat with three other people, but there’s only one set of oars. One person is rowing with all their might. Another is calling out ideas from the front. A third holds up a map but stays silent. And the last? They’ve got their feet up, enjoying the ride, assuming they’ll get where they need to go.
This is what caregiving often looks like inside a family. The problem isn’t just the weight of the task—it’s the misalignment. When no one is clear on who holds responsibility or authority, resentment builds, tension grows, and exhaustion becomes a constant companion.
That’s why we need to talk about caregiver roles.
She Felt the Weight but Had No Say
I recently worked with a woman—we’ll call her Jeanette—who was caregiving for her dad with dementia. She and her sisters were all involved to varying degrees. Jeanette was doing the daily caregiving tasks, but her brother, who lived in another state, was the legal decision-maker. Every time a major choice had to be made, she had to wait on him. And every time he offered an opinion without really understanding the day-to-day reality, she felt her blood pressure rise.
What she needed wasn’t just help. She needed role clarity.
Caregiving Isn’t One-Size-Fits-All
Too many families operate under the assumption that caregiving responsibilities are shared evenly—or should be. But shared doesn’t mean equal. Some people are hands-on. Others are legally responsible. Still others mean well but stay out of the mess.
That’s why I created what I call the Anchor Care Matrix. It’s a simple framework built on two questions:
- How involved are you in day-to-day care?
- How much authority do you have to make decisions?
When you answer these two questions honestly, most caregivers land in one of four roles:
The Care Observer
Low authority, low involvement. This person often has opinions but doesn’t contribute much. They may be emotionally checked out—or physically present but functionally absent. Their detachment can be maddening.
The Care Steward
High authority, low involvement. They have the legal or financial power to make decisions but aren’t present to do the work. Often lives out of state. Often overwhelmed. Sometimes unaware of what’s really happening.
The Care Advocate
Low authority, high involvement. This is the adult child or grandchild who’s doing most of the work but doesn’t have the power to make final decisions. Frustration runs high here—especially when their insight is ignored.
The Care Anchor
High authority, high involvement. This is the primary caregiver—maybe that’s you. You’re doing the work and making the decisions. You carry the weight. And you probably feel the most alone.
Why Alignment Brings Peace
When your role and your responsibility are aligned, you’ll still be tired—but you’ll be far less frustrated. Misalignment is what drains us. When you’re carrying what God hasn’t called you to carry—or avoiding what He has—it wears on your soul.
God is not a God of confusion (1 Corinthians 14:33). Bringing order to your caregiving roles is a way to honor Him. It also reduces unnecessary conflict.
Therapeutic Truth-Telling™ in Action
When I explained this matrix to Jeanette and her siblings, something shifted. They stopped arguing about who was doing “more” and started talking about what made sense. Jeanette owned her role as a Care Anchor. Her brother finally understood how disengaged he had been as a Care Steward. Instead of avoiding the tension, they named it—and then aligned around it.
This is what I call Therapeutic Truth-Telling™. Not harsh. Not sugar-coated. Just honest conversations that reduce chaos and restore clarity.
Where Do You Sit in the Boat?
Take a moment and reflect:
- Are you rowing hard without any authority?
- Do you have power but feel disconnected?
- Are you just along for the ride?
Ask yourself—and your family: Which quadrant are we in?
And remember, this isn’t about guilt. It’s about stewardship. Good caregiving starts with knowing what seat you’re in—and being willing to shift if needed.
A Final Word of Hope
Friend, caregiving is part of your sanctification. It’s shaping you—daily—into someone more like Christ. But you don’t have to stumble through it confused and alone.
Start by naming your role. That one step could bring more peace than you expect.
If this resonated with you, take the next step:
Bring your questions to our next Ask the Dementia Coach Q&A.
Transcript
Introduction to Caregiving Dynamics
[0:00] Picture that you’re in a little rowboat on a lake. There are four people with you, but only one set of oars. One person is rowing hard, their muscles straining, doing all the work. Another is at the front shouting suggestions. A third is holding up a map, but not saying much. And the last one, they’re sitting, legs up, enjoying the breeze, and assuming that you will get them where they need to go. Does this sound familiar? That is what most caregiving families look like. The problem isn’t just the weight, it’s the misalignment, when no one is clearly naming who is responsible, who has authority, and who is actually doing the rowing. And that’s what we’re going to talk about today. Hey, Christian Care Companion, welcome to Dementia Caregivers Support for Christians. I’m your host, Lizette Klute, occupational therapist, pastor’s wife, and fellow believer walking this road with you. Here, we look at caregiving through the lens of scripture so you can navigate this season with clarity, conviction, and the support you need. But before we dive in, I want to personally invite you to this month’s Ask the Dementia Coach question and answer session. It is happening Saturday, June 28 at 3 p.m.
[1:26] Eastern. This is your opportunity to bring your real-life questions, the stuff you wish someone with experience could speak into, and get practical answers in a small group setting. You can register at thinkdifferentdementia.com forward slash ask.
Exploring Caregiver Roles
[1:45] I would love to see you there. Now, let’s figure out what kind of caregiver you are and why naming that role might be the clarity you’ve been missing. Here is today’s solo response. Reflective episode, How to Make Dementia Caregiving Easier by Defining Your Roles. Many of the caregivers that I have worked with over the years frequently are in situations where family conflict is a big thing, kind of like the imaginary story about the people in the rowboat that I came
The Anchor Care Matrix
[2:26] up with as an introduction for this particular episode. And it often feels like that, doesn’t it? Particularly if you are the caregiver who has committed to being the caregiver. Sometimes you are the primary caregiver of the person living with dementia, and you might not actually have the authority to make the decisions. And that can be very challenging.
[2:54] Now, there are other particular situations too. And so what we’re going to talk about today is looking at this through who are the people that are in the boat and what different positions or seats might they have. And that is where the anchor care matrix comes in. Because once we start to define these roles, and these roles are defined by our actual level of authority and our actual level of involvement, we can finally stop spinning in circles and we can move together clearly. We may know that we are the caregiver. We may have committed out loud. You might not be caregiving by coercion or persuasion, but actually by conviction, and you still may not know what that actually means. You’re tired, you’re in it, and you haven’t had the language, though, to explain what role we are playing or what is expected of us. So caregiving comes in a lot of different shapes and forms. And what we’re going to look at today is a few of these, but we’re going to look at it under several points.
[4:15] The first one is caregiving isn’t a one size fits all. And that is part of the problem. Most of us have gotten t-shirts that say it’s one size fits all. The challenge is a t-shirt that is one size fits all doesn’t fit anybody, correct? And so even when we have committed to caregiving, we might be convicted that we are the caregiver and we have taken on the caregiving, but we may have never been trained for it. And we might assume everyone in the family is doing their part, but we never really look at what these parts are. And so what we’re going to look at next is a matrix that’ll allow you to look at the four different types of combinations that can occur in a caregiving journey. You might identify as one particular one. You might be able to see other family caregivers be in a different spot in this matrix. And the purpose of this is for you to identify and maybe put some language to why you feel the way that you feel. So we are going to look at two questions today that are going to potentially change everything for you. And this matrix is built on two different things, two questions.
[5:38] How involved as a caregiver are you in the actual day-to-day caregiving? And the second question is, how much authority do you actually have? And once we answer these two questions, we are able to put people into one of four different categories. This helps us become clear because as I’ve been working with my family caregivers in my community, it has become evident to me where a lot of frustration comes in in our caregiving journey is when there is a gap. And the gap is between the reality of where things are and what we think the reality might be. And so when we take a step back and we define and we look at these different options under how involved we are in the day-to-day care versus how much authority we actually have.
[6:39] Things start to become very clear. And that is the anchor care matrix. And we have four different quadrants. And each one of these questions go from, I want you to picture from low to high, and then from each question, how little we are involved to how much we are involved or how little authority
Understanding Care Observers
[7:00] we have to how much authority we have. Now, the first type of person in our rowboat with us could be the care observer. This person has very little authority and is also not involved at all. They’re frequently the ones with perhaps a lot of opinions, perhaps a lot of, they’re telling you to do a lot of different things.
[7:22] They may be emotionally present, but they may not be. They may be physically close by, but they’re not actually doing anything. They may perhaps not even realize that they’re in the picture. They may not even see that there’s a problem.
[7:39] And oftentimes a care observer has a lot of opinions about things going on and they don’t have the authority. Recently in one of our group coaching calls, one of my clients was mentioning her brother and her brother has lived. Low authority because he is not the decision maker and he also has low involvement because he’s hardly ever there.
[8:04] And so they show up maybe every now and then when there’s a crisis or maybe family meetings or because you have begged and asked them to come help. But they do not really do much to help you through this particular journey. And oftentimes that can be very frustrating. But I’m going to point you back to our previous solo episode where we were talking about three hidden reasons Christian caregivers burn out, and that is because we have not taken on the commitment of being a caregiver. And in that episode, we talk about it that caregiving is a choice and this person
The Role of Care Stewards
[8:45] could have chosen not to be the caregiver. The second one that we’re going to look at is what I call a care steward. This is somebody who has authority, but they’re not involved. And they are the person who is supposed to be the decision maker. They may be or likely are the health care power of attorney or the legal power of attorney, the durable power of attorney, but they are not consistently involved at all in the caregiving tasks. This person might be out of town, they may be a different family member.
[9:18] Or a parent making decisions from a distance, right, or an adult child making decisions from a distance. They might feel overwhelmed by responsibility and they’re disconnected from the actual day-to-day story. Another one of my private clients right now, his mother, her initial durable power of attorney has passed away and the subsequent power of attorney is her brother and he lives in another state. And so he would be somebody that I would call a care steward. They have the authority, they have
Identifying Care Advocates
[9:52] high authority, but they are not at all involved, very low involvement.
[9:57] Now, the third one that we’re going to look at today is what I call a care advocate. A care advocate is somebody who does not actually have the authority, but they’re highly involved. This person might be providing the daily hands-on care, but they are not the legal decision maker. And this could be an adult child who is not the healthcare power of attorney, who is not the durable power of attorney or a grandchild. I have a grandchild in my community who is helping his grandmother, but he is a care advocate. He does not have the authority, but he’s highly engaged and highly involved. He knows what’s happening and is not frequently consulted when these big decisions are made. And this causes a lot of frustration. They carry the weight of being the caregiver, but they do not have the actual decisional capacity to direct the care, to steward the care, to change the direction.
[11:03] And oftentimes, these care advocates have influence, but they do not actually make the decision. And so when I work with care advocates, my primary role with them is managing their expectations, teaching them how to influence, teaching them how to advocate
The Importance of Care Anchors
[11:21] for the person that they love. Now, the fourth one is a person who is a care anchor. The care anchor is the person who has high authority and high involvement.
[11:34] For me, I am the care anchor in my particular caregiving journey. I do have the caregiving decision-making capacity as well as being highly involved in this journey. This person handles most of the caregiving tasks and a lot of the decision-making responsibilities. It can be a little bit of a combination. You might be the care anchor because you are the healthcare power of attorney and the physical custodial caregiver. You’re the person providing the care and there might be a different person who is a care steward who has high authority and low involvement, maybe from a financial perspective. And that is actually my sister and my specific situation. I hold the healthcare power of attorney, which means I have the decisional capacity related to any of the medical decisions, any of the where the person will live decisions. But my sister holds the financial power of attorney and decision-making.
[12:39] So we share. We’re both in this journey together, so we share it. So you might see in your own specific situation that you have people at varying places. These could be siblings that live in other states that don’t see what’s going on. And so a a care anchor is frequently that default or designated family caregiver. And until they have committed and actually said out loud they are willing to be the caregiver, they could feel, and you might feel, isolated, exhausted, and overburdened, which is why I encourage caregivers to actually out loud say they commit to being a caregiver. It radically changes your journey.
Biblical Examples of Caregiving
[13:26] But a care anchor is integral or central to this caregiving journey. They are the person that is carrying the weight. This is where the rubber meets the road, and this person needs structure, support, and spiritual encouragement to be able to do this journey and to do it well. Now, I want to talk about a few situations that I observed through reading my Bible and looking at situations in the Bible where you might see similar situations.
[14:01] One is Ruth. Ruth was very involved with Naomi, but she didn’t have any authority to make any decisions, right? She was a care advocate. Now, the Good Samaritan, I brought him up last time we did a solo reflective episode. He did not have any obligation to be a caregiver, but he took on the responsibility. He committed. He took full ownership. And he was a care anchor in that particular situation because he chose that role. He committed to helping. And I encourage you, if you haven’t listened to episode 132 or if you haven’t listened to last week’s episode 257, which were three hidden reasons Christian caregivers burn out, I really encourage you to go back to some of these older episodes and listen to them. Another example I found was Joseph in the Bible, where he took on a role of caregiver to a large extent for his entire family by also being a care anchor and bringing his family back to Egypt so that he could help and support them. And what I’m trying to show us in this process is that our whole entire Christian journey is a journey of stewardship and a journey of sanctification.
[15:27] And every example, either good or bad, in the Bible shows us good stewardship or it shows us bad stewardship. And we have a responsibility in our caregiving journey to really reflectively
Misalignment in Caregiver Roles
[15:42] look at how can we be good stewards of our caregiving journey. The fourth thing that we’re going to look at real quick is how having a misalignment in our roles of either being a care anchor, a care observer.
[15:58] A care steward, or a care advocate is what makes it so hard when we have misalignment. When our responsibility and our authority are not aligned, there is tension, right? And this frequently results in resentment. It could be things you might be actually carrying, things that God never called you to carry, or you might be avoiding what you’ve actually been called to carry. And this isn’t about making us feel guilty. This is about helping us realign with our true calling and our true good and right stewardship of this journey. And I mentioned earlier at the start of this episode that frustration is in the gap, right? Frustration is in the gap between what is the reality and what our expectations are. So if our expectation is that everybody be highly involved and have authority so that we can, you know, share this burden.
[17:02] It can be frustrating to us when the person who does make the decisions is not involved. And so what I’d love you to consider is looking at the potential. Particular relationships and the tensions in your own world and see if you can put them into one of these four different quadrants. Because I guarantee you, if you do, it’ll kind of be a reminder to you why you might be feeling frustration. Like I said, Tommy, he is a grandson in my community. He is a care advocate. He doesn’t have the authority, but he’s highly involved. And that is a very frustrating place to be. Likewise, for the person who is the care anchor, it can be very frustrating when people are not helping. And so I just bring these out for us so that we can start to look at this from a little bit of a different lens.
Self-Reflection for Caregivers
[17:58] Here is a question for you today, dear Christian care companion. Which one are you? Are you a care observer or can you identify the care observers in your family? Are you the care steward and might be needing to really look at is there somebody who is highly involved and how you might leverage their involvement? Or are you the care advocate and need to really learn how to influence the care steward? Or are you the care anchor? And you might be feeling resentment because other family members are care observers or care stewards.
[18:37] So to recap today, where are you? Where are other people in your family? And consider what do we need to shift to help bring more peace or clarity? I want you to really think through where your frustration or your tension is. Frequently, people tell me their biggest, biggest struggle as a family caregiver is family conflict. And just identifying which quadrant you and your other family members are in might be sufficient for you to start to decrease your own stress and tension. Now, every month, we do a free workshop where you can take your first steps
Upcoming Workshop Announcement
[19:21] on your own caregiving dignity by design journey. Because we are caregivers, because God has called us to be caregivers.
[19:32] And because we serve a God of order, there is a design to our caregiving journey. This particular caregiving journey is also for your good and God’s glory. Our next free workshop is coming this Saturday, June the 14th, so tomorrow, about 12 p.m. Eastern. It’s is about two hours and it will give you three ways that we can ease your caregiving journey starting today. I
Recap of Key Insights
[20:02] encourage you to register at thinkdifferentdementia.com forward slash WSL. Now to quickly recap today’s episode, today we have been looking at how to make your dementia caregiving feel easier by just defining a few roles. We looked at caregiving is not a one-size-fits-all. It is a one-size-fits-no-one kind of a situation, right?
[20:28] That’s part of the problem. It isn’t one-size-fits-all. We looked at two questions that can change everything. And those two questions are, how involved are you in the day-to-day? And how much authority do you actually have? And then we looked at four different types of people in the anchor care matrix. A care observer with low authority and low involvement, a care steward, a person with high authority and low involvement, a care advocate, a person who has low authority but is highly involved, and a care anchor, a person who has high authority and is highly involved. We also looked at a few biblical examples to kind of bring this into the real world, And we recognize, fourthly, that misalignment is what causes the frustration. Misalignment between what you expect and what the reality is causes frustration. And I asked you to identify where you might be and more particularly where some of the family members you might be struggling with might be so that we can help to decrease your frustration. And I invited you to my free workshop, which is tomorrow, June the 14th at 12 p.m.
[21:56] Eastern, and it will go for about two hours. And we will give you three ways to ease your dementia caregiving journey starting tomorrow. And I have one big ask, and that is people who take action get results. So I ask you to take action on something that you heard in today’s episode so that we can start to change your perception of your own caregiving journey. And as I end all of my episodes, may the Lord bless you and keep you. And I will see you in our next episode. It’s a coaching-style episode where I speak to a wife who is caregiving her parents. So I invite you to join us for that.
