How To Love Yourself As A Dementia Caregiver
Have you ever considered that the way you think could transform your caregiving journey?
In this episode, we explore the power of your mind—specifically the reticular activating system (RAS)—and how it can help you find peace, purpose, and even self-love in the midst of dementia caregiving.
Understanding the Reticular Activating System (RAS)
We begin by diving into the science of the RAS, a network of nerve pathways in the brainstem that acts as a filter, determining what sensory information reaches your conscious mind.
Imagine buying a new car and suddenly seeing that same model everywhere. That’s your RAS at work! It brings attention to things you deem relevant, filtering out the rest.
As caregivers, this means that if you’re constantly thinking about the struggles of caregiving, your RAS will continue to focus on these challenges.
However, by setting positive goals and thinking about your future, you can actually train your RAS to bring opportunities and encouragement to the forefront of your mind.
Changing How You See Caregiving
This episode encourages caregivers to be aware of the meaning they attach to their caregiving experiences.
Just like seeing a nail in your head but focusing on the pressure instead of removing it, you might be focusing on caregiving’s difficulties without addressing the underlying thoughts.
Caregivers often attach negative meanings to their experiences, such as “caregiving is overwhelming” or “my family isn’t helping enough.”
However, by consciously choosing to see caregiving as a way to grow spiritually or build resilience, you can reframe your experience, making it feel less burdensome.
Practical Steps to Reframe Your Mindset
1) Set Goals for Your Future:
Think about what you want life to look like after caregiving. This could be maintaining strong relationships, staying healthy, or pursuing personal interests.
By setting these goals, you engage your RAS to help identify ways to achieve them.
2) Focus on Your Thoughts:
Notice what you think about dementia caregiving. If you find negative or anxious thoughts, try to replace them with thoughts grounded in God’s promises and truths.
Remember, you don’t have to believe every thought that enters your mind.
3) Take Control of Your Environment:
Lizette suggests leaving online spaces that foster negativity and joining communities that encourage hope and growth, such as Dementia Caregiver Support for Christians.
A positive environment can greatly impact your mindset.
Loving Yourself Through God’s Design
Our RAS is part of God’s intricate design for our minds, helping us focus on what we value.
When you start caring about your future, your RAS will help you find ways to prioritize self-care, spiritual growth, and a positive outlook. God created our minds to help us find paths through difficulty, and caregiving can be one of those journeys where we learn to lean on His wisdom.
How will you start caring for yourself on this journey?
By reframing your thoughts, setting meaningful goals, and building a positive environment, you can create a caregiving experience rooted in love and resilience.
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Transcript
[0:01] Hey, Christian caregiver, welcome to Dementia Caregiver Support for Christians, the podcast where I teach Bible-believing Christians how to make dementia care
Introduction to Loving Yourself
[0:12] easier today while helping you imagine a brighter tomorrow. We are going to have fun with today’s episode. I am a lifelong learner, and I love learning new things. I love relearning things that I used to know because I forgot about them, because I haven’t used them in a while. And so today we’re going to actually talk a little bit about how to love yourself as a dementia caregiver. And the episode is going to take a little bit of a different bent than where people might think it is going, because I’m going to get all nerdy. I am going to go into some of the science. I’m going to go into the weeds. We’re not going to be talking about self-care per se, which is where many people will probably go when they read the title of this episode, How to Love Yourself as a Dementia Caregiver. But we are going to go into the science. So let’s get nerdy today. How many of you guys have ever bought a car? I know most of us have bought a car. Whether it be a new car, an old model, it really doesn’t make a difference.
[1:29] And then after you bought the car, all of a sudden, everywhere you go on the road, you see that particular car, that brand, that style, that car everywhere. It is all around. We’ve all had that experience, correct?
[1:47] Well, guess what? Those cars have always been there. You just didn’t notice them. And the reason you didn’t notice them is because your reticular activating system was filtering out that information because guess what?
The Science of Caregiving
[2:10] It wasn’t relevant to you at that time. So what we’re going to do today is we’re going to look at what is the reticular activating system and how it actually relates to caregiving. Now, I know this is going to be a little bit more of an in-depth science-y type of episode, but stick with me. It’s really not that complicated. What is the RAS, the reticular activating system? So that’s going to be the first point we’re going to look at today. Well, the RIS is a complex network of nerve pathways in our brainstem, which is also known as the primitive brain. It’s kind of like a computer running in the background that helps to integrate information, specifically sensory information. So in other words, what we see, what we hear, what we smell.
[3:09] What we touch, it helps to take all of the thousands and millions of pieces of information or data through our sensory information, it takes it and integrates it into our brain. And it also has an impact on whether how awake we are, our wakefulness, how much attention we’re paying to certain things, our awareness of things. So that is what the RAS is. And it has specific functions. Here are the functions that the RAS has. The first one is it helps us with our awake-asleep cycle. So in other words, it decides because it’s part of our protection, it’s there to protect our brain, it helps us decide what we should pay attention to or be alert for or not. So for example, if you are in a house and all of a sudden you smell smoke.
[4:11] Your RAS system is going to kick it into overdrive and tell you Houston there’s a problem, something’s wrong, you need to pay attention to it and get out of the building, right? It helps to decide whether or not we need to be awake or alert or get out of the situation that we’re in. The second function that the RAS has is it helps to filter information. It is kind of like a sieve. It decides what is going to get through to our conscious brain. And so it will pay attention, ironically, to the things that you want to see because it’s important to you. So it’s a sieve. It will sift through the millions of pieces of data and information and sensory input that we get throughout the day, and it will pick out the information that you, in particular.
[5:11] As a specific human on a specific place in a specific time, that you want to. To see. That’s important to see. You will see what you want to see, what you believe to be true. It will help you find the supporting evidence you are looking for in order to help support you in your belief. So if you believe that it is easy to lose weight, you will find evidence all around you about how easy it is to lose weight. If you were in election cycle, the election is going to be next week. I’m recording this a couple of weeks before the election. If you believe one candidate to be X, Y, or Z, the reticular activating system will find evidence on the news, in newspapers, in conversations with people. It will confirm, it will help you find the supporting evidence of what it is that you believe about that particular candidate. A different way for you to look at that is, the flip side of that is, if you believe that caregiving is going to be hard, or if you believe that dementia is devastating, or if you believe your family isn’t supporting you in your caregiving journey.
[6:36] Your RAS will help you find the evidence to support it. It will look for it. You will see it everywhere you go. It will look for the patterns. It will look for the behaviors that you believe to be difficult, or it will look for the patterns, or it will look for the behaviors in your family to support your belief that they are not supporting you. So the third part of the RAS system is what it does is it helps you to focus your attention. It helps you to pay attention and focus on things in your environment. So I want you to picture you’re walking into a crowded conference room or the church or a situation where there are many people in lots of conversations.
[7:28] And I want you to picture a group of women standing a few feet away and you’re within hearing distance, but you’re not necessarily, you know, in the conversation, but the next minute they mention your name and whoops, you are aware and you are listening to that conversation. Why? Because your RAS has been trained to know that your name is important to you and that that is attached to you, and it will help you align with what your brain believes to be meaningful. So this is something that is very important for us when we are considering caregiving, when we’re considering how to love ourself as a dementia caregiver, because our brain will focus attention on what we deem to be important. And so if we have a goal for ourselves in our caregiving journey, that when our journey is complete, that we want to have a good relationship with our kids.
[8:36] With our grandchildren, if we want to be healthy enough to still travel, if we want to have all of these positive things in our future, we need to set goals for it because it will actually help our reticular activating system focus on on the things that will help us get there. Because it has to be meaningful to me in order for me to do it. And when we set a goal for ourselves, it becomes meaningful to us for us to be able to achieve that goal. And so your brain will actually then start to look for opportunities to help you meet that goal. The fourth thing that the RAS does or what functions it has is it is significantly linked to motivation. And so it will help you by highlighting, because remember it’s a filter system.
[9:32] It’s a sieve, the RAS will highlight what you value, it will highlight what you think about, and it will highlight what you emotionally connect with. So let’s unpack that for a minute. If you value your relationship with the person that you are helping who lives with dementia, it will help you to find opportunities. It will look for the opportunities to help you maintain that relationship that you value. It will help you by motivation related to what it is that you’re thinking about, right? So if you’re thinking that caregiving is going to be difficult, that you’re never going to get through this, that it is extremely stressful, that you are super overwhelmed. If those are the things that you are constantly thinking about, your RAS will highlight it because that’s what you’re motivated by. And or it will highlight what we are emotionally connected to. So when we have a significant emotional response to whatever it is, whether it be a good or a bad situation.
[10:51] Whatever that emotional feeling is that we have, be fear or frustration, or we had a previous difficult relationship with that person that has cultivated this emotional connection, or not even with this person, but maybe with another person that was maybe a difficult relationship, but now your caregiving journey is bringing up all of those emotions, your RAS system is going to highlight that for you and bring it to the forefront
It’s Not About the Nail
[11:27] and make it so that that is all you see in your particular circumstance at that moment in time. But the good news is we can change that. The good news is our RAS system works for good things as well as bad things because we can control the filter. We can control what we think about. So the second thing I wanted to talk about a little bit today is I don’t know how many of you guys have seen this, but you can look for it on YouTube.
[11:57] There is a video out there. It’s called It’s Not About the Nail. It is a short clip. And I want you to picture two people sitting on a couch. And the scene comes in where you can see a half of the woman’s face. You can just see a part of her face. And she is saying, I feel so much pressure. I just feel it. I feel it in my head. And I just don’t know if it’s ever going to stop. It’s just so frustrating. It’s so hard. And she’s just talking about this pressure and how she’s feeling it in her head. And then you hear a man’s voice say to her, you do know you have a nail in your head, right? And she says to him, she’s like, it’s not about the nail, right? So the reason I bring up that clip is, number one, it’s super funny. So if you haven’t seen it, go and watch it. But number two, it’s not about the nail. Now, the nail in this particular situation is whatever event it is that we are remembering what we have experienced. It is not the event itself. It is the meaning that we attach to the event. So I’ll use myself as an example.
[13:10] For decades, for decades, I struggled significantly with the experience that I had in being in boarding school. Now, the reality of the matter is boarding school is boarding school. It’s just a thing, right? It’s just a place, a place in time. But it was a period in my life that I attached a significant meaning to, that it was terrible, that I struggled, that I couldn’t cope.
[13:38] That it was like decimating. It was a decimating experience in my life. But I was the one who attached the meaning to that event. And so I was always responding the same way when thinking about it, when talking about it. I couldn’t have a conversation without it, without bawling my eyes out, without saying things like, how could my parents do this to me? Why did they desert us? Why were we putting in boarding school? It wasn’t the event of being in boarding school. It was the meaning that I attached to the event in boarding school. But guess what? We can control the meaning that we attach to the circumstance. And so I was able to take a lot of time and really hard work and work through the fact that that meaning that I attached to boarding school was not true and how I was able to reframe it for myself and teach myself with lots of prayer, with lots of good counsel from pastors, that that particular event.
[14:48] Boarding school, was true. For my good and for God’s glory, that that particular event has created me into the person that I’m supposed to be.
[15:00] Compassionate, kind, loving, strong, resilient, child of God redeemed by Him. And so when I changed the meaning of that event, it changed my life because now I recognize it for exactly what it is. The Lord put that particular difficult providence for sure in my life because it was for my good and for his glory. 30 plus years later, I graduated high school in 1987, so you do the math. I am now able to glorify God and enjoy him forever and tell you the story of how the Lord used boarding school for my sanctification and in this conversation for his glory. So you can reframe the meaning behind the event. It’s not about the nail. It’s not about boarding school. It’s not about dementia. It’s not about caregiving.
Observing Your Thoughts
[16:03] It’s the meaning you attach to that specific event. So the third thing we’re going to talk about briefly is you can teach yourself to be an observer of your thoughts. I just want to tell you, and I know this is probably difficult for a lot of us to necessarily believe, but we can control our thoughts. We are not what we think.
[16:31] Our thoughts are, we have thousands and thousands and thousands of thoughts per second, not even per minute, per day, per second. And we are not even aware of a lot of our thoughts, right? But we can observe our thoughts and we are commanded to think God’s thoughts after him, which means we can stop and ask ourselves, what do I think about dementia? What do I think about my caregiving? What do I think about my relationship with my husband, with my wife? What do I think about my ability to control my thoughts? You know, Jesus talks about the fact that.
[17:17] Adultery in the Bible is spoken of as not necessarily only the physical act of, but once we have had that thought that we have already committed adultery, right? But we are also taught that we can turn away from those thoughts. We can turn to God. We can repent of a sinful thought.
[17:39] It was still sin, but we didn’t act out on it, right? but we can turn away from what it is that we are thinking. You can observe your thoughts and you can control what you think about dementia. Do you think that it is hard, unpredictable, difficult to manage, difficult to navigate? Then guess what? Your reticular activating system will find proof that it is hard, unpredictable, difficult to navigate. But you are, dear Christian caregiver, bigger than your thoughts. And guess what? You don’t have to believe them. You do not have to believe your thoughts. And you can observe your thoughts. And the moment you start to think those things, you can replace them with a different thought. You can replace them with, this is for my good and for God’s glory. It is not that difficult because we serve a good and kind and loving God, and he has created order in the world. And there is order to the situation. You do not need to believe every single thought that you had. Now, if you believe good thoughts about God, absolutely you need to believe those thoughts, right? Because those thoughts are true. Which brings me to the next point, which I’m calling, as for me and my house, I will serve the Lord.
[18:58] So as for me and my house, I will serve the Lord. Our life is not about what we think. It’s not just about what we think. It is actually about what we do. Our life consists of actions, not just thoughts, actions. And there is ultimate truth, right? So what kind of ultimate truth. Now, if you are interested and you didn’t listen to the previous episode, episode 190, we talk a little bit about the five solas. So I’d invite you to go back and listen to that episode if you’re just joining me today, because it’s a great episode where I unpack some of the truth, but there is ultimate truth, right? What are some ultimate truths? We are created in the image of God. We serve a God of order, not of chaos. He created and is in control of and upholds all things. God loves us, and this specific journey, dementia and dementia caregiving, is also for our good and for his glory. And we can choose to think differently about our situation, about our circumstances.
[20:15] And so I just wanted to point out and show to you today that God created our brain.
Actions Over Thoughts
[20:22] God created the reticular activating system. And so God knows these things too. And now to circle back and talk about how to love yourself as a caregiver. And this is going to be very brief because I want you to think about this for a couple of days. I want you to sit in it. I When you start to care about your future as a caregiver after caregiving, when you start to care about yourself, and I’m not talking about a selfish type of care, I’m just talking about the fact that we too are supposed to love ourselves, but if you start to care about your future after caregiving, your RAS.
[21:10] Your reticulating activating system will kick in and will help you prioritize and find the opportunities for self-care because you will be looking for them, because you will have made it a goal, because you will have made it important to you just like your name is. And Christian caregiver, you are special to the Lord. He died on the cross for you. He is special. Yes, this situation is in your life, but he wants you to be able to take this
Caring for Your Future
[21:48] for your good and for his glory. And he wants you to be a good steward despite these circumstances. So encourage yourself by starting to care about your future after caregiving. Start caring about setting goals for yourself. We are so focused on the task of caregiving.
[22:11] The day-to-day of caregiving, that we’re not looking for the opportunities to make it easier by using the way God created us in order to find a way and a system to be able to do this. If you start to care about yourself and your future, kind of like buying a car and all of a sudden seeing it everywhere. When you love yourself as a caregiver, and not the wrong type of love, please don’t misunderstand, but if you love yourself, how to love yourself as a caregiver.
[22:47] Then you will create and set goals for your future so that we can maybe stop the cycle of caregivers who decimate their health and their own well-being because they’re so focused on the person that they’re helping that they don’t care for their own future and their own self anymore. And if you do this, your RAS will kick in and help you find opportunities to prioritize your own self-care. So dear Christian caregiver, like I said, a little bit more of a nerdy episode, but I wanted to show you what a wonderful
Building a Supportive Community
[23:27] God we serve that has given us this in our brain to help us. And so focus on your thoughts, focus on thinking God’s thoughts after him.
[23:40] Focus on what you believe about caregiving and about dementia in specific, and start to stop those negative thoughts and focus on God’s thoughts after him. And I beg you, if you are in some of these huge Facebook groups where it is what I call verbal vomit, please join my Facebook group. It’s called Dementia Caregiver Support for Christians, because I try very hard to cultivate a community and a culture that is not toxic positivity. That is not what I believe either. We acknowledge that life is difficult and that these hard providences exist.
[24:23] But if you are in these huge Facebook groups, I beg you to leave them. Join my community. There are other Christian caregiving communities. Please join.
[24:33] All you will ever see if you stay in those communities is the doom and gloom and woe is me. So I invite you to join my Facebook group, Dementia Caregivers Support for Christians. And as I end all of my episodes, may the Lord bless you and keep you. And I hope that you will share these episodes with other people. If you’re on Apple Podcasts, please leave me a review. Let me know what you like and what you don’t like, but I’m here to serve you. I want to serve you and help you see God’s beautiful world and his glory in a different way through your dementia caregiving journey. And I will see you guys next episode.
