How To Help The Alzheimers Decision Maker: Resources For Caregivers
Are you a caregiver balancing family relationships while trying to support a loved one with dementia?
In this special coaching session, we meet Tommy, a devoted grandson who wants to help his grandmother with dementia but isn’t the primary decision-maker.
His journey offers insights on how to navigate complex family dynamics, communicate effectively, and ultimately earn the trust needed to make a difference.
Building Trust Through Patience and Support
Tommy faces a unique situation: although he’s dedicated to his grandmother’s well-being, his uncle holds the final say in caregiving decisions.
Rather than challenging his uncle, Tommy has worked to support him, building trust over time. When his uncle found himself overwhelmed by caregiving demands, he reached out to Tommy, opening the door for more collaborative decision-making.
For caregivers in similar situations, this episode underscores the value of patience and restraint in family caregiving.
By respecting boundaries and offering support rather than directives, Tommy created a foundation of trust, allowing him to play an active role in his grandmother’s care.
Recognizing Care Needs and Communicating Concerns
One of the central issues Tommy faces is his grandmother’s increasing need for nighttime care. She often becomes disoriented at dusk, worrying that people are outside her house or struggling to settle down.
This behavior signals a growing need for consistent supervision, yet Tommy’s uncle is hesitant to consider full-time care.
Through compassionate conversations, Tommy has begun to share his observations gently.
By using examples and remaining understanding of his uncle’s concerns, Tommy is helping his family explore assisted living options without feeling rushed or judged. This approach highlights the power of thoughtful communication—an essential skill for caregivers who need to express their concerns while respecting family members’ feelings.
Seeking Professional Help for More Support
To help Tommy navigate the options, the coaching session introduces resources like senior living advisors.
This allows Tommy to present informed options to his uncle, making the process less overwhelming. With these resources, he can offer professional insights that address financial, lifestyle, and care needs, which could ease his uncle’s decision-making process.
Finding Strength Through Prayer and Patience
Tommy’s journey reflects the importance of faith and prayer in caregiving. Despite the challenges, he remains grounded in prayer, trusting that God will guide his steps.
His patience, coupled with faith, has allowed him to build stronger family bonds and ensure his grandmother receives the best possible care.
Is your caregiving journey made more complicated by family dynamics? Discover how patience, thoughtful communication, and faith can help you support your loved one while navigating family relationships.
Transcript
[0:01] Hey, Christian caregiver, welcome to Dementia Caregiver Support for Christians, the podcast where I teach Bible-believing Christians how to make dementia care
Introduction to Coaching Clinic
[0:10] easier today while helping you focus on a brighter tomorrow. We have another coaching clinic episode for you this week. I thought it would be helpful for everybody to really see what it looks like and feels like to receive coaching and to see what it looks like in our community. Today, you’re going to meet Tommy. Tommy is a very special grandson of a woman living with dementia, and his unique position is that he is not actually the primary decision maker, which means he has a lot of family relationship and a lot of complexities that he needs to navigate in order to help his grandmother because his uncle is the primary decision maker. And so today we are going to talk about how far Tommy has come in learning how to support his grandmother while not being the actual decision maker. So check out our coaching clinic.
[1:18] But no, I’m fine. I actually, what Risa said was exactly what I needed to hear. I had a very good conversation, unexpected conversation with Tony over the weekend. He called me at 3.30 Saturday afternoon, and I think he just needed somebody to talk to. And he was at his wit’s end. He called me and he said, I don’t know if you’re planning on going down there today or not. And I never go on Saturdays. But he said, I don’t know if you’re going down there today or not. But I just wanted to make you aware that I went to the grocery store, got everything she needed yesterday. And she has called me umpteen times today saying that she needs all the same things. And so if she calls you and wants you to get her these things, know that she doesn’t need them.
[2:11] And I said, well, I know to check and make sure what she has before I go because I’ve learned that the hard way. But we ended up having an hour conversation and he said, she’s getting much, much worse. And he said, I just don’t know what to do. He said, I’m trying to find somebody that can stay with her at least a couple hours a day.
[2:35] And I told him, I said, honestly, I don’t know if it’s worth it because two hours a day is not much.
[2:43] And um i said i worry about her being alone at night and he said why and i said because his mentality is she’s in bed so what can happen and i told him i said you know i don’t go down there very often at night probably this time of year i’ll end up down there after dark more but there’s especially during the power outage, I was down there every day. And I told him, I said, she, when the sun goes down, she gets so confused with the shadows on the walls, with the cars going down the road. And I said, every five minutes, she is up and down looking out the front window, thinking somebody’s in her front yard. And Hannah was there. He can’t, he has a hard time hearing. And so he puts his phone on speaker no matter what. And because he can hear better that way. And Hannah heard what I was saying and she was on her way out the door, but she popped in and she works late. And so she comes, she’s passing my grandmother’s house at like 1030 at night. And she told me, she said, there’s times that I pass by there and every light in her house is still on at 10, 1030, 11 o’clock at night. And Tony was like, I think she’s just falling asleep in front of the TV. And I said, I think she is too at some time. But other times, I honestly don’t know because nobody’s been there at night, overnight with her. I honestly don’t know that she’s not sitting up worrying
Discussing Assisted Living Options
[4:08] about somebody in her yard or trying to get in her house, whatever.
[4:12] And make a long story shorter, assisted livings came up. Okay. And he said his wording was nursing home, but he he said, well, if somebody coming a couple hours a day doesn’t work, then, you know, I’m going to have to find her home somewhere.
[4:27] And I didn’t go as far with it as I probably should have. And I got baby steps, baby steps. You’ve gotten far. I’ve I got some flack from my mother for that. But I told her, I said, I was just so shocked to hear him finally waking up that I didn’t want to ruin it. And I said, I did tell him, I said, well, because he said, I just don’t want to upset her routine and take her out of her house if I don’t have to. And I told him, I said, there is a lady in my support group that I go to with Pam. Her mother didn’t want to get out of bed. And the doctors gave her a year to live. They moved her into a nursing home, assisted living, whatever. And she lived for seven years after that. she loved it because she had people to interact with she had these to do i told him i said she’s constantly complaining that she never sees anybody that she talked to anyone that she doesn’t leave the house ever and i said i think it would do her some good to get around other people and have that interact and so i talked to my mother and my mother said you need to do groundwork and no i’m going to give you, before you go there, I made your life so much easier, young man, you have no idea. I just text you two phone numbers.
[5:45] Awesome. The first one is Bruce Meyer. He’s with Always Best Care.
[5:50] He is a non-medical home health company owner. He owns a company that does AIDS like Risa has here in our geographic region. Pam uses him for her mom. Correct. The second one is a woman by the name of Linda Kale. She is a senior living advisor. Awesome. That’s what I was going to ask for. So what she does is she knows all the facilities. Okay. She’ll meet with you and your uncle and talk about all of the gory details.
[6:24] Related to financial abilities, et cetera, et cetera, preferences, lifestyle, everything. And then she knows the facilities and then you don’t have to go to 1,700 different facilities to look at them. And then she’ll narrow it down to two or three based on all your requirements and you’re not getting sales calls from 17,000 different facilities trying to fill their beds. So I personally, like my opinion is based on what you’ve said. I agree. I think your grandmother would actually thrive in assisted living. But sometimes for your uncle, that might be the bigger step that he’s not ready to take. But if we can start with, if you start with the senior living advisor, then maybe we can circumvent it. And then if that doesn’t work, then you have the other one. OK, OK. Yeah, I just and I know from past experiences with other family members, we need to act now because just because we start this doesn’t mean that she’ll have somewhere to go. It could be six months. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. But you know what? I’m so proud of you related to your uncle.
[7:37] You have done such a good job. You have done such a good job in not irking him that when he had a hard time, you were the one that he reached out to. Because obviously, he’s been listening to you about what you’ve been saying. And so he knows that you actually, he knows you get this. He knows you know more than your cousins and other people. And that’s why he called you, because he knows that you you either intuitively know or you’ve been learning or the support groups or whatever. But that is why he called you. And so you by having done what you did in very difficult situation in biting
Building Trust with Family
[8:16] your tongue for so long is paying fruit now. Yeah, I hope so. And bottom line is. This can still be a longer process, but now you have his ear. Yeah. You’ve earned his trust and you can be so proud of yourself for that. Well, it’s lots and lots and lots of prayers have gotten me this far. I hear you. I hear you. But speaking of prayer, I’m just going to tell a quick little joke. You got to be very specific about your prayers. Because my prayers for the last year have been, Lord, prepare and provide the right clients at the right time. He’s providing them all at the same time.
[8:51] It’s a little stressful, but anyway, it’s a good problem. But I’m like all of the, like, I kid you not, guys, like three new clients in a week.
Prayer and New Opportunities
[9:00] Well, they’re in the right. So it’s exciting. Scary as all get out, but exciting. So pretty cool. All right, young man, you good now? I’m good. Thank you. I might hit you up later with individually with some questions, but for right now, I’m good. Oh, you know how to find out me. Every one of you know how to get a hold of me when you need me. And sometimes I’m pretty sure you wish that I did. Actually, that has never happened. And Cheryl can attest to this. She reached out one night and I’m like, I’m sorry, baby, I can’t. I’m like, I just, I couldn’t, you know? And so no is a possible answer. I will get back to you. But like, sometimes it is no, you know, I’m only, I only have certain reserves too. So I’m learning to say no when I know that it’s, you know, I’m like, I can get back to you the next day. So I was super proud of myself and she didn’t
Invitation for Strategy Calls
[9:51] kill me and she’s still here. So it’s all good.
[9:54] If you resonate with these coaching clinic episodes, I invite you to go to the website and hop on my calendar for a strategy call. On these strategy calls, you will get three things. The first thing is we’ll look and see exactly where you are related to your caregiving journey and where you would like to be in the future. The second thing you will get is an opportunity for me to give you a solution to your most pressing problem related to your dementia caregiving journey today. And then the third thing you will get from a strategy call is looking and seeing whether you and I are a fit to actually work together.
[10:41] The community that I am putting together is extremely curated. It is not for everybody. And so if you believe that you are the right person, the right fit for the community, I invite you to schedule a call. We’ll take 20 minutes. I promise you it is still going to be very valuable for you. But let us look and see how we can make your journey in dementia and dementia caregiving easier today, while also showing you that you can focus on your tomorrow.
