How do you build support when you’re the only one your loved one trusts?
That’s the exhausting question Marty, a Filipina caregiver in the Philippines, lives with daily. Her British husband is in the thick of mixed Alzheimer’s and vascular dementia. From hallucinations about airports to delusions about work bonuses, he clings to her as the only one who remembers who he used to be.
She’s not just managing meals or medication.
She’s holding onto identity—his, and hers.
And it’s wearing her out.
He Needed British Tea. She Needed Clarity.
Marty described a dilemma many caregivers face, especially in cross-cultural marriages: no one else could “get” her husband. The maids could help with chores. But they didn’t share his background, his stories, or his sense of place.
“The airport is down the road,” he says. But it isn’t. That was another life, another continent.
Her heart breaks each time she tries to correct him, especially in front of others. But staying silent feels dishonest, too. That inner tug-of-war? It’s not just cultural. It’s deeply relational.
She Had the Help, But Not the Peace
“What would make things easier six months from now?” I asked.
“If I had someone to keep him company,” she said. But not just anyone. Someone who understood. Someone who could meet him where he is.
“How do I train someone for that?” she asked, eyes wide with worry. “How do I help others care for him when I’m the only one who knows what’s real to him?”
This is the real weight caregivers carry: not just the logistics, but the legacy. You’re not just coordinating care. You’re translating a lifetime for someone else.
Why Correcting Doesn’t Work (And What To Do Instead)
Marty often found herself correcting her husband when he said something untrue. “Our parents are still alive,” he might say, or “We got a bonus at work.”
Each time she corrected him, it seemed to make things worse.
Here’s why: when memory fades, emotion doesn’t. Correcting might bring truth, but it can also bring shame or confusion. That’s why we practice Therapeutic Truth-Telling™. It means honoring dignity over data. It means gently redirecting without destroying trust.
Try these instead:
- “Tell me more about your parents, love.”
- “That sounds like a good memory. What do you remember most about that time?”
- “What made that place special to you?”
You’re not agreeing with the delusion. You’re entering the emotion. That’s where connection still lives.
Start With One Small Shift
When Marty asked how to deal with hallucinations and delusions in front of others, we focused on protecting her husband’s dignity while gently guiding the conversation.
Instead of correcting him outright, she could:
- Change the subject with kindness
- Engage the emotional truth behind the story
- Redirect with a grounding object or question
Over time, this protects their bond. It also helps others see that care is less about control, more about compassion.
Caregiving Clarity Anchored in Scripture
When your loved one forgets what’s real, it can make you question everything. But God is not a God of confusion (1 Corinthians 14:33).
Your role isn’t to fix every memory. It’s to steward this season with clarity and grace.
You weren’t meant to carry this alone. Even when you’re the only one who “gets” them, you don’t have to be the only one who bears the weight.
One Next Step: Practice Before It Happens
Think through a common conversation where your loved one gets confused.
- What could you say that respects their emotion?
- What would it look like to redirect gently?
- Could you share this approach with others in the home?
Write down 2–3 go-to phrases you can use next time. Practice them. Let them become part of your caregiving rhythm.
You Don’t Have To Carry It Alone
Whether you’re in the Philippines or Pittsburgh, your caregiving story matters. So does your need for support.
Join our monthly free workshop:
How To Immediately Reduce Dementia Caregiver Overwhelm and Stress In 3 Easy Steps
Transcript
Understanding Caregiving Challenges
[0:00] What if the only person who really understood your loved one was you?[0:08] That is the painful reality for Marty, a Filipina caregiver who is navigating life in the Philippines with her British husband who is living with dementia. From hallucinations to hard conversations, she’s trying to find help, but keeps running into a deeper problem. No one else really gets who he is. If you’ve ever felt the pressure of being the only one who understands the backstory or the only one your loved one will accept care from, this conversation is going to show you why clarity matters more than cultural fit, and how to start building support even when no one else seems to understand.
[0:58] Hey Christian Care Companion, welcome to Dementia Caregivers Support for Christians, the podcast where I equip Bible-believing caregivers like you to navigate dementia with clarity, peace, and purpose. We do not just manage symptoms. We look at the bigger picture, your values, your loved one’s dignity, and the decisions that bring peace in the long run. Want to learn how to make decisions like this with more confidence and less second-guessing? Join me for our free monthly workshop on Saturday, June 14th at 12 p.m. Eastern. We’ll walk through real-life dementia caregiving stressors and apply my biblical relationship-centered framework. Reserve your spot at thinkdifferentdementia.com forward slash WSL. You don’t have to carry it all alone.
Seeking Help and Support
[1:59] Let’s think through this together. Now on to our episode with Marty, who lives in the Philippines with her British husband. And there we go.
[2:11] Hello, Marty. Welcome. But I’m going to start by asking you a couple of questions and gaining some clarity about your particular situation, and then you’ll have an opportunity to ask me a specific situation, and then I’ll kind of go over some recommendations. How does that sound? Okay, sounds good. Thank you. So let’s say it’s six months from today and caregiving is easier. What does that look like for you? Not good. Well, what do you mean it should be easier?
[2:41] What makes it easier six months from today? I think it will be easier if I will have someone else to come and keep him company because this is a 24, like you said, 24-7 job.
[2:54] But I don’t know how he will take it. Okay, well, we will get there in a second. So it would be easier if you had some help. Is that correct? Yes, but professional, know, not a maid because, you know, we live here in the Philippines. We have help, you know, but this is our maid and there is some, we are beginning to have a lot of homes for the elderly, but they do not cope with foreigners because my, I’m Filipina and my husband is British. So his setting is in a British setting and I’m the only one who could understand because we can talk about the past, where he lives, where we worked and so on, but someone else, I don’t know how they will Okay. Well, there are ways to get through that, sweet lady, okay? We can talk about that in a little bit. And just a quick question. How old is your husband? 77. 77 years. Okay. And what would it take for you to achieve that goal of maybe having somebody come in? What would it take? I don’t know at the moment. Okay. Do you think it’s not knowing how to communicate well with your husband or for you to communicate better or if he’s having some what we call responsive behaviors or if it would be helpful to know what was coming next so you could plan or if for you it is handling your own stress or overwhelm? Like what would make it easier?
[4:14] I think if I can, I actually am thinking myself to find a group of people who I can, even them.
[4:22] I don’t know how to train people here, whether they’re medical or not, how to train them to cope with people with dementia who did not grow up in the Philippines. Okay. That’s my main thing because I know he talks about so many things. Like he says the airport is just down the road, but it’s not. That’s where we used to live. Okay. So it goes like that. Okay. So how to train people, how to communicate with him, how to cope with him.
Delusions and Hallucinations Explained
[4:51] Yeah. Correct. Okay. So that is super helpful. Okay. So go ahead and ask me a question that I can help you with today. I want to know what to do when he’s delusional and has hallucinations when he’s with other people. Okay, hang on.
[5:07] I’ve got to write things down. With delusions and hallucinations. Today, that is the topic. Yeah, I know very good. But when I’m not with him, when he’s not talking to me and I’m with him, my tendency is to correct him and then I don’t know if that’s right or wrong. Okay, so you want to know how to help him with delusions and hallucinations when you’re with him. Yeah, when we are with other people because he talks about and I’m there and then because he’s not walking around. And then I correct him and of course he gets a bit. So it’s in a group setting. Yeah, group setting. You’re not alone. Yeah. Okay, I get that. So you want to know how to deal with it when he’s saying things. Yeah. And other people are around and the things he’s saying aren’t making sense. Is that correct? Correct, yeah. Okay, so can you give me an example of what kind of things he’s saying? Like he will say, oh, we are lucky. Both of us, Marty and I are lucky. Our parents are still alive. Okay. They’re both dead. Okay, what else? That’s a good example. He would say…
[6:08] That we’ve got an extra bonus when we were working, but we didn’t. We just got whatever is due to us. Okay. Okay. That’s wonderful. How long did you guys live in the UK, Ms. Morty? We only live in the UK for two years, but we moved around. We have an expatriate lifestyle. So this confuses him because we live from country to country and it’s just confusing him at the moment, I think. It’s just like I’ve heard that it’s like an onion. I don’t if you are the one who said that. And it’s peeling and peeling. So we’re going back. And then I have to bring him back now. Okay. So you have a fascinating life.
[6:43] I love it. It’s absolutely up my alley. It makes me happy. You guys live. So I’m going to, I have to kind of get a picture in my head in order to help you. I’m going to kind of tell you what I see and then you correct me if I’m wrong, okay? So you said you guys have an expat lifestyle. So you guys travel around a lot going from place to place. Yeah, for work. For work, but you’re not working anymore, right? No, retired, yeah. Okay, but you guys are retired in the Philippines. Yes, yeah. And you are going to stay in the Philippines?
[7:15] Yeah, we’ve lived here now for six years. Okay, but that’s the home now moving forward, right? Yes, correct, yeah. Okay, so you guys moved around a lot. You lived in a lot of different places. So sometimes you’re not clear your mind as to where he might be related to his timeline. How long have you known he’s had dementia? I think it started when he was 75, but the diagnosis was a year ago. Yeah, a year ago. And do you know what kind? Yeah, it’s mixed Alzheimer’s and vascular. Okay, thank you. That helps. All right, so would you like to hear a few of my recommendations for you in
Communication Techniques for Caregivers
[7:50] your particular situation, Miss Marty? Oh, yes, please.
[7:53] Okay, so how to, earlier in today, it’s really kind of fun. We’ve talked about delusions and hallucinations quite a lot. Yeah, I heard. I thought this is not my topic. That’s okay. I love it. A hallucination is actually seeing something or smelling something or tasting something that isn’t there. So it’s when a person sees a bug on the table running around or a person sees somebody, a child in the corner or they see something that isn’t there or they hear voices that aren’t a delusion. Is believing something that isn’t true. Like they’re not lying. They’re just believing something that isn’t true. Lying comes with intent, right? And usually predominantly the two delusions that are the most common in dementias are my wife is having an affair, my husband’s having an affair, or somebody is stealing my stuff. It can be other things, but those are the two most common. Is he doing one of those two things?
[9:01] No. But he thinks people are moving his things around. Okay, so he thinks people are moving his things around. So that can be a little bit of a delusion. And that happens very frequently. And just the same thing related to the things being stolen and so on. Is when you truly cannot remember something, when we’re not putting in making a short-term memory. It’s kind of like, you know, in an old film, we’ve all seen the films where it was a photo and a photo and a photo, and then it just ran through fast, and then it looked like it was moving, right? Each one of those photos is like a memory, and then the one before and the one after is gone. So second by second, he is living in the present, right where he is. So if he picks up his glasses and puts them in the drawer in the second, like I just pretend put my glasses in the drawer and I close the drawer and I can’t see it anymore. And three or four of those little frames move on. It’s like, I can’t find my glasses.
[10:05] Logical explanation is somebody stole them. It’s a logical solution, right? So what I usually recommend people do in those specific, you know, moving things around, arguing or reasoning through it with them is not helpful. And so a strategy that you can employ is just be aware, pay attention to where he is putting things. And if he’s looking for it, then you already know where to kind of go look. And, you know, your job’s kind of to help keep track of stuff. And to just incidentally just, oh, honey, here are your glasses. I found them. Okay. I found them in the drawer.
[10:41] You know, it serves no purpose to say to him, oh, honey, I saw you put them in the drawer an hour ago and, you know, just go get the glasses and give them back to him. Here, honey, here are your glasses. I found them for you. And to just make it very just cheerful and, you know, factual and here, incidental, here it is. Because what I have started to recognize and truly believe is when we people around, not you we right the people around somebody who is living with these brain changes we’re constantly correcting them and we’re constantly um saying things like i’m not saying you you’re doing this marty but people in general we say things like but don’t you remember or but i’ve already told you so or we just talked about it and i remember i put myself back i made this mistake with my mom when she started having brain changes. I did this because it snuck up on me and I kind of corrected her and I would try to reason with her. I did all of the stuff wrong myself. So it’s not, I’m not, you know, telling people to do things that I haven’t done myself. I’ve done these things. And my mom got anxious and she was very anxious. And I put myself in a position because, you know, you we’re still well enough aware and people are telling you these things and then you’re starting to worry that something’s going on and it creates this anxiety.
[12:03] My dad, on the other hand, when he started to have changes in his thinking processes, I picked up on it a lot faster because I was paying more attention and I didn’t do that with my dad. My dad has no short-term memory, but I never correct him. And I just, you know, the other day something happened and he said something to me and he’s like, you know, but you never told me. And I’m like, and it was right before my mom passed away. And I told him, I’m like, dad, it doesn’t do me any good to keep telling you that I told you and then you get annoyed with me and then we have this blow up fight. So I just tell you again. And I just cheerfully tell him again, yet again, this past Sunday we were there and it was, but you didn’t tell me I have this doctor’s appointment. Oh, okay, dad, it’s this day. Let’s go ahead and put it in your phone. So just supplement, come in and support from underneath, like be the wind under his wings. So, you know, related to the moving things around.
[13:01] Now back to the two things that you said where he says things like, we’re lucky our parents are still alive or, you know, we had an extra bonus, those kinds of things, right? I don’t want you to flat out lie to him and say, you know, yes, we had an extra bonus just because that keeps him happy. That’s not what I’m suggesting. But I want us to see if there’s ways for you to learn how to speak to him. So, for example, he says, we’re lucky our parents are still alive. And then you just say, well, honey, tell me more about your parents. Get him to talk about his parents, right? And then whatever he said, just get him talking about because that’s what he’s thinking about, right?
[13:38] Something I really want you to consider or think through is I know as a spouse, we want to protect the autonomy of our spouses. And so correcting him in front of other people can cultivate a breach in the two of your relationship because it’s going to make him feel bad. So it’s not worth that breach in your relationship because your relationship now is the foundation on if he lives long enough and things change for you to be able to help him in the future so we want to protect your relationship and that means as best as possible not correcting him not you know validate his emotions go to the emotion behind it and say things like well tell me more about that instead of correcting him Did that make sense, Ms. Marty? Yeah, it does. Yeah, thanks.
Taking Steps Toward Improvement
[14:32] Wonderful. I’ll try that technique and I’ll let you know. Wonderful. So what is one step you, Ms. Marty, can take today that moves you closer now to making this journey easier for you? Oh, well, I think what I’m going to do is start practicing what you said. Because in the course of the day, this is going to happen, something.
[14:55] He will make statements and so on. So I will practice that. Ms. Marty, do you listen to podcasts? I wanted to, but I haven’t tried it yet. This is my second session with the dementia coach.
[15:08] So I’m going to, what I’m going to do is I’ll find time. You know, like you said, it’s only 15 minutes. So I will do the podcast to help me more. Okay. So you can use either one. On your iPad, if you go to Apple Podcasts, there should be a little icon. It’s just Dementia Caregiver Support for Christians. And then if you’re on an Android phone, you can get the Spotify app, Google Play, and then it’s just Dementia Caregiver Support for Christians. Okay, so one is in Spotify, one is in the Play Store. Yeah, Apple Podcasts will be in the Play Store, you know, Apple iTunes, whatever it’s called. Yes. I noticed that in your email, it says if you want to listen to this episode, you press this. So is that not what I should press? You can do that too. You can absolutely do that as well. Oh, okay. All right. Thank you. But if you don’t want to go into your email, you can look at YouTube, you can get it on YouTube, listening to a podcast. But yes, you can get it from the emails too. Okay, perfect. Thank you so much. You are welcome so much. I’m glad you’re here, Miss Marty.
Serving Global Caregiver Communities
[16:15] I’m always excited when I have people from other countries. It makes me happy because I’m doing this to serve people in other countries. I know that people in the world are underserved, specifically in places like the Philippines and Africa, India, and I want to reach these people with a different way doing it. So I’m very grateful you’re here.
[16:38] People who are really benefiting from the community are the people who joined earlier on before they need it and and that have been active and are participating in the community because then they already know what questions to ask and they have a place to come and they’re not constantly wondering what do i need to do how do i need to do it so people listening are interested in tapping into or learning about the community, I’d invite you to just go to the website, thinkdifferentdementia.com. There’s a link for you to schedule a 20-minute call. There’s no pressure. I’ll serve you regardless of whether you join the community or not. But it is a way for you to take this relationship a little deeper, a little bit more hands-on support, because really the research also shows its longitudinal support over time. Absolutely. Yeah, for sure. I would highly recommend Lizette. She’s awesome. Tracy, I appreciate that endorsement.
