How to Connect With a Loved One With Dementia—Even When They Forget Who You Are
What do you do when your loved one with dementia looks at you… and calls you their friend instead of their sister?
It’s a moment that feels like a punch in the gut.
But what if how they feel with you matters more than what they call you?
In Episode 244, we explore the heart of relationship-centered dementia care—focusing on emotional connection over factual memory. Through a real caregiver conversation with Helen, you’ll learn practical ways to reconnect with your loved one, even when their words and memories begin to fade.
Why Emotional Safety Lasts Longer Than Memory
Dementia may take away names, dates, and faces—but it doesn’t take away feelings.
Your loved one may not remember who you are, but they will remember how you make them feel.
💛 Safe.
💛 Loved.
💛 Valued.
“She may not know the word ‘sister’… but she knows she feels safe with you.”
This shift—from expecting recognition to prioritizing connection—can turn painful moments into opportunities for deeper love.
Practical Tips to Improve Connection and Communication
Supply Cues, Not Questions
Instead of asking, “Do you remember what song we sang at church?”
Say: “We sang Amazing Grace today—my favorite hymn. What’s yours?”
💡 Give them the answer to respond to, instead of expecting them to find it themselves.
Move Conversations from Habit to Mindfulness
Many of us fall into automatic communication. Take a moment to intentionally include your loved one.
🗣️ Slow down.
🗣️ Speak directly to them.
🗣️ Be patient with silence.
Repetition is Okay
Answer repeated questions like it’s the first time. This takes practice, but it helps keep interactions calm and positive.
Use Music and Movement to Engage
If words aren’t working, dance. Put on their favorite music and connect through joy. Can’t keep them seated during dinner prep?
🕺 Try a little movement or take them outside for a quick walk.
It’s Not About the Name—It’s About the Feeling
If your loved one forgets your name, it’s easy to feel invisible. But their ability to feel safe with you matters more than any word they can or can’t say. Just like a baby knows who loves them before they can speak, your loved one still feels the love you bring.
You’re Still Known, Even When They Forget
As a Christian caregiver, your goal isn’t just to be remembered—it’s to reflect Christ’s love in every interaction.
Even when they can’t say your name, they can still feel His peace through you.
Join our monthly free workshop!
“How To Immediately Reduce Dementia Caregiver Overwhelm and Stress In 3 Easy Steps”
Transcript
Introduction to Dementia Care
[0:01] What do you do when a loved one with dementia looks at you and calls you their friend instead of their sister? That moment can feel like a punch in the gut. But what if I told you that how they feel with you matters more than whether or not they can say your name? In today’s Dementia Caregiver Support conversation with Helen.
[0:25] We explore what it means to connect from the heart. Even when the person’s memory fades. You’ll learn how to include your loved one in conversations again, why supplying cues is better than asking questions, and how building new communication habits can transform your visits from awkward to beautiful. Because here we focus on relationship centered care. This episode is a gentle reminder that emotional safety lasts a lot longer than memory and that God can still use you powerfully in your loved one’s life even when their words fail. If you are a Christian and you are struggling with God’s sovereignty or God’s providence, reach out to me. I will have a conversation happily with you about God’s providence and God’s sovereignty and help you along in your journey. If you are struggling as a family caregiver and you’re ready for a little bit more support, hop on a Care Companion success call with me. It will take 20 minutes where you will be able to talk to me, gain some clarity about your very next step that you need to take in this journey, as well as have a conversation about whether or not it makes sense for both you and for me for us to work together to help you through your dementia caregiving journey.
[1:54] Hey, Christian Care Companion, welcome to Dementia Caregiver’s Support for Christians, the podcast where I show Bible-believing Christians that God is a God of relationships and covenants, that the way we think about our caregiving will impact the outcome of our caregiving, and that because we are image-bearers of God, we have inherent value and worth, even when living with dementia. We have hope in eternity. If you are a Christian spouse, the adult child, or a family member of a person living with dementia and want to find more clarity.
[2:35] Less stress, and provide better care, this podcast is for you. Here we provide you with practical solutions, tips to make communication easier, and we focus on the dignity of the person living with dementia.
[2:50] So if you haven’t yet joined me for one of our monthly Ask the Dementia Coach question and answer sessions, this next one is on Thursday. This episode airs on Tuesday, April 22nd, so you still have time to register for the next Ask the Dementia Coach monthly question and answer session. In these sessions, I will guide you through a process to help you gain clarity on what you can do immediately to implement a tip or a technique or a communication way in order for it to make your caregiving easier.
[3:36] Come join me. It is free. It is live. It is Thursday, April the 24th at 6 p.m. And I typically have between four to six people come to these but it is a registration only event so if you are interested in coming to a live dementia caregiver support session the link is thinkdifferentdementia.com forward slash ask the link will be in the show notes or you can just check it out on our website, thinkdifferentdementia.com under the free resources section. There are a lot of free resources there, so go and check it out in any case. But in today’s episode, we are going to explore how you can connect with a loved one with dementia, even when they forget who you are.
[4:33] Hello, sweet Helen. How’s my young Canadian friend? Oh, pretty good, thanks. Helen, I love helping you. I really, really love helping you. I appreciate you a lot. Well, you’re like so much fun for me because I know that it is hard because you’re not the decision maker, but you have the heart to help. And so I want to make it possible for you to help. So, sweet lady, tell me a little bit about what’s going on with your sister and how best I can serve you today. Okay. In the little note that you sent me, you had a particular question.
Communicating with Loved Ones
[5:07] You were talking about your sister and how to communicate with her? Yeah, communicate with her better because I feel like she’s there, like we’re eating supper, that she’s there, but my conversation is more directed to my brother-in-law, and I feel like she made me feel she left out, and I don’t want her to feel that. Okay. And I was just wondering how to approach that or anyways, and again, you had mentioned that rephrase.
[5:32] And as I said on the message that it’s so easy just to say, come out and say whatever instead of rephrasing it. For sure. It’s a habit. Don’t beat yourself over the head about that. It is a habit. It’s really just a habit that you have to cultivate. And I’ll use myself as an example, sometimes just because it’s the easy example, right? With my dad, when my dad, when I had to take the car away, I wasn’t mindful before I walked into the house that he was upset about the car, right? And so we would go into the little loop. Of whatever he said that we would just go into the loop. But when I would sit in the car before I’d come into the house and I would say to myself, he’s going to push your buttons. You got to do things differently, right? It would go better. And so what I’m wondering might not be a good place for you to start, Helen, is when you go to your sister and your brother-in-law’s house. Right now, we’re using, I call it our spidey senses, right? The back part of our brain, the automatic stuff that we’ve always done. So the way you’ve always sat down at dinner and talked, right?
[6:39] It’s kind of automatic. It’s in the back of our brain. We don’t even have to think about it. It’s like putting your shoes on, right? You just do it. When you maybe go to dinner with them, try to take it out of the automatic and put it up front and say to yourself, I have to speak to her in a different way so that you’re mindful of it. And I think that might make it easier for you when you’re communicating with her to use those reframes or to give her the time or when she asks the question and you don’t quite know what to say to her. Well, tell me more about it so you can figure out what she’s actually trying to say. Okay. So how’s that sound? Yes, that sounds good if I can remember. But no, you can remember.
Cultivating New Habits
[7:27] It’s just it’s cultivating a new habit. Yeah. Okay. Right. We all, we can, I don’t want to say it’s easy in the sense of you can, you know, just do it. All things, all new things take repetition.
[7:40] That’s true. Yes. Right. Everything. If you needed, if you wanted to learn how to play a violin, you’re not going to pick up the violin and play the violin today. No, that’s true. Unless you’re a violinist. No, I’m not. Right. But if you wanted to learn how to play the violin, you have to practice. Yeah. Right. Right. And when we start out, we don’t always do a good job. But then we come back and we get taught and mentored by a teacher. And then we go back and we practice. And then you ask the question again, and then you come back to the teacher and say, it’s not easy yet. What do I do? And then we keep practicing. And over time, it’s… Does get easier. Right. Okay. So for example, this was one of the hardest things for me. And I’m very sure you relate to this. You know, all those repetitive questions we get. Right. What time is it? It’s 1.35.
[8:31] Two minutes later, what time is it? It’s 1.35, right? Right. Yes. Right. When I first started doing this technique, it would drive me nuts. But then I trained my brain to not care And to just answer the question. Right. Like it was the first time ever. Okay. That’s what it was like at first. Uh-huh. It just annoyed me. And I had a friend that she never got tested. She’s passed away now, but she had a friend that she repeated everything. And it used to just annoy me like crazy. But now, well, my sister, when she started doing it, I kind of excited. Mm-hmm. So. Yep. And the trick is if you can just train your brain the same way you train your brain to too, when she asks those questions, just answer them like it’s no big deal and like it’s the first time every time. If you can train your brain when you go to your brother-in-law’s house and visit your sister to take it out of the automatic and think about it, that will eventually become automatic too.
[9:31] Because what will happen is you’ll be thinking about what you’re doing and because you’re thinking about it, you’re practicing it, kind of like the violin. Right. Okay. Right. Yes. You’re practicing it over and over and over again. And as that starts to become a habit, then we can put it back here again. Okay. Right? That’s what you did with the repetitive questions. At the beginning, you forced yourself because I did, right? I guess. I don’t know. You forced yourself to just answer it and not get annoyed. Right. You forced yourself to just answer it and not get annoyed. I guess so.
[10:04] Now you just answer it and you don’t get annoyed and you don’t even remember
Including Family in Conversations
[10:08] that you used to get annoyed. Yes, true. Yeah, right. Yes. Now, let’s talk about what you were saying about including her in conversations. So can you give me a little bit of a picture of what that looks like at night where you say you and Brian are talking and you feel like your sister’s not included? Well, as I say, her short memories, like, for instance, we might be talking about church. We went to church in the morning because I usually go over there Sunday night for supper. Uh-huh. Anyways, you know, big crowd or it wasn’t a big crowd. And I know she’s not taking that in because she doesn’t. Mm-hmm. Okay. So that’s one. And then something maybe the pastor has said or something or a song. Uh-huh. Okay.
[10:46] Do you and your brother-in-law and sister attend the same church? I have been attending. They don’t go every Sunday, and I haven’t felt well enough to go. I watch online. Okay. But since COVID, I was just going with them. When they went. So are they, I guess what I’m trying to get at is when you go there on Sunday night after church, did your brother-in-law and sister watch the same service as you? Yes, they do. Yes, because I watch. Okay. So what I want you to think about doing and consider doing, do you guys get a bulletin for church? No, they don’t get bulletins. Okay. But you know the songs that they’re singing. Yes. Right. Okay. Why don’t you jot them down on a piece of paper? Okay. And take them with and you supply her with the information. Okay. So instead of saying, you know, a normal conversation, Helen, what did you guys listen to? You know, what was the worship song today at church? And then you have to come up with the answer, right? Okay. That’s hard. If I can’t remember, that’s hard. Right. Yes. Okay. So we can try this. We can say, sister, we sang Amazing Grace today as my favorite song. What’s yours?
[11:52] Okay. Right. Okay. Right. So lie her with the information and have her respond. Right. Okay. So there is a difference between I have to find it in my head. Two plus two is four and I have to put it together. What song did we sing at church? I have to go. I was at church. What were we doing? What songs did we sing? Right. Right. Okay. And I have to pull it out, which is harder than, hey, sis, we sang Amazing Grace. That’s my favorite hymn. What’s yours?
[12:22] Okay, yes. Hey, sis, we read this passage and then read it to her. I love this passage. How does that make you feel? So you’re supplying her with the information as opposed to having her need to pull it out for herself. Okay, right, okay. Yep, so… That makes sense. Yeah. It’s still not going to be like a conversation you and I are having. Right.
[12:47] But we can still include her in those conversations by giving her the information. So like for me, I just recently met with some new clients that I’m working with and her, the person living with the brain changes, her sister is here from out of town. But the person with the brain changes is not seeing her and recognizing her as her sister. Right.
[13:12] So, you know, a strategy when somebody is not recognizing someone is to supply them with the information. Hey, I’m Lizette. I’m your sister. Okay. Okay. Right. So that’s what I’m wanting you to do with the conversation pieces. You almost pre-prime the pump with what the information is. And then you just talk for a couple of minutes about that one subject. Okay. Well, that’s interesting because a week ago, Thursday, I had to go to the hospital for a test and my brother-in-law, they picked me out because I couldn’t drive because I was kind of druggie afterwards. And my brother-in-law went and got the car. We were sitting there just in the entryway, whatever.
Emotional Connections Over Names
[13:50] And my sister started talking to another guy, a man that was sitting there. And she called. Again, I’m not sure if she recognizes who I am or not because she said my friend. That’s okay. So I would just go with it. Okay. Right? You’re her friend in that moment. Right. Okay. Right. The challenge that we have as humans, we’re all that way, is that we feel that they have forgotten us. They don’t know who we are. Right. Right. And I don’t want you to see it in that way. Okay. I want you to see it in she feels safe with you. She can’t come up with the word sister, but she could come up with the word friend and she knows she feels safe with you. Okay. So. Right. What’s more important, that emotional connection or whether she can say your name? The emotional connection. Absolutely.
[14:39] Now, Helen, I’ve never asked you, did you have kids? No, I’m not married. Okay. They had children, right? Yes. Okay. You remember when the baby was, when your niece was little? Yes.
[14:49] All right. That baby couldn’t say anybody’s name. No, that’s true. But that baby knew exactly it was loved. Right, yes. And that baby couldn’t say mom, dad, aunt, friend, uncle, sister. But that baby knew, that young person before they could speak, knew how you make them feel. Right, yes. And your sister knows how you make her feel and you make her feel safe. So the encouragement is to not be as worried about, you know, you’re so good, you go with the flow. I love it that you go with the flow. But for other people, you know, we get hurt sometimes. Our feelings get hurt because we know that they said the wrong thing. Right, yeah. But we don’t need to because they feel safe with us. Okay. So was that helpful? Yes, it was, yes. Okay. What else can I help you with today? Well, as long as she feels safe with me, because she depends on my brother-in-law.
[15:43] That’s her anchor, security blanket, whatever you want to call it. Anchor is a good word. Okay. Anchor is a very good word. that anchors her well when he’s not around you know she’s wondering and when he’s well last time i was over there he was trying to get supper of course she wants to help and she he put a laptop on and put the music thinking because he said to me that sometimes she’s more of a hindrance than help of course because but he wouldn’t say that to her of course because he’s very loving whatever but for sure but he was hoping that the music that i would be able to entertain her or whatever with the music when he put it on so he could finish getting the supper ready but it didn’t work because she thinks she needs to get out there when she hears the pot rattling.
Engaging Activities and Distractions
[16:23] Uh-huh. She thinks that she needs to get out and help. For sure. I understand. Does your sister like to dance? Oh, yes, she does. Yes. All right. Try to dance with her next time. Okay. Right? And then you take her hands and then you just, you keep her distracted and more than just if the music didn’t help at that moment, let’s move. Right? It was some hymns, but they have Alexis and they get into the oldies, whatever.
[16:48] Yep. And so if the hymns aren’t working at that moment, try different music. In a situation like that where you’re trying to help him so that he can get the task done, what you could consider doing is if you tried the hymns and it’s not working, ask him if you can put on different music, her favorite music, and then you too start to dance. Right, yes. Keep her distracted. And then another strategy for that, as long as it’s not midwinter in Canada, right? Yeah, right. You take her outside for a walk. Right, yes. Even if it’s just five minutes. All right. I’m so glad you reach out, Helen.
Closing Thoughts and Support
[17:24] That’s why I offer these, because I want people to have help. Right. Well, I appreciate it. Thank you. You’re very welcome. All right, sweet friend. I love seeing you keep showing up. Please keep showing up. I don’t want you to ever stop showing up, okay? Okay.
[17:39] But I hope I’m not taking somebody else’s place, whatever, because I notice other people. The benefit for me in helping you, Helen, is you help me because you’re open and willing to be coached. And these interactions, like on the Ask the Dementia Coach that we do and these sessions that you sign up help me because it helps me be able to help other people on the podcast. Oh, okay. So don’t see it as you’re taking something away from me. You’re giving me value. Well, I appreciate you very much because since I saw you on Facebook the first time, I gotta let you go. But anyways, you’ve helped me a lot. I’m so glad you’re in my world. Well, thank you. I’m glad you’re in my world too. Well, good. Thank you very much. I’ll let you go. You’re welcome very much, sweet friend. I’ll see you soon, okay? Yeah, okay. Have a good day the rest of it. You too, bye.
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