How to Communicate with Someone with Dementia
Communicating with a loved one with dementia can feel like learning a new language. The usual ways we reassure and converse may no longer work as their cognitive world shifts.
In this episode, we dive into meaningful communication strategies that help caregivers connect with their loved ones, avoiding frustration and honoring the truth in compassionate ways.
One of the core principles discussed is the importance of meeting your loved one where they are, rather than trying to bring them back to your reality. When a loved one with dementia talks about events or responsibilities that no longer exist—like feeding the chickens or taking care of children—they are living in memories shaped by their past experiences.
Instead of correcting or confronting them with the present reality, caregivers are encouraged to ask open-ended questions like:
- “Tell me more about the children—what do they need today?”
- “How did we used to feed the chickens?”
This approach validates their emotions and helps foster calmness, creating a stronger connection rather than confusion or distress.
Many caregivers struggle with the concept of therapeutic lying—the practice of telling a small untruth to avoid upsetting a loved one. Lizette shares a unique, faith-based approach to communication that focuses on acknowledging beliefs rather than outright deception.
For example:
- Instead of saying, “Dad’s gone,” which may trigger grief, try: “Where do you think Dad is right now?” or “He’s probably somewhere he loved.”
The emphasis is on using compassionate redirection rather than lying, allowing caregivers to honor their loved one’s emotions without creating unnecessary distress.
Understanding Hallucinations and Delusions
As dementia progresses, some individuals experience hallucinations (seeing or hearing things that aren’t there) or delusions (believing things that aren’t true). In these moments, it’s crucial to remember:
- Hallucinations are linked to physical changes in the brain.
- Creating a calm, uncluttered environment can reduce sensory triggers.
- The response to hallucinations or delusions should be calm and reassuring. Avoid arguing or dismissing their experience.
The Value of Early Community Support
A key takeaway is the importance of seeking support early in the dementia caregiving journey. Joining a supportive community or seeking coaching early helps caregivers build confidence, learn strategies, and feel more equipped before crises arise.
Caregivers who connect early and participate in ongoing support experience fewer moments of panic and uncertainty. Faith-based coaching groups, in particular, offer not just practical guidance but also spiritual encouragement.
Faith-Based Caregiving: Trusting in Truth and Grace
The episode closes with a reminder of the power of faith in caregiving. Trusting God’s wisdom and seeking His strength can help caregivers approach communication challenges with grace and patience. While it’s not always easy, knowing that caregiving is part of God’s plan offers peace and purpose.
Read more: Grieving After Dementia Caregiving: How To Heal In Supportive Community
Final Reflection
If you’ve ever felt unsure of how to respond to a loved one’s difficult questions or behaviors, this episode is a reminder that communication doesn’t have to be perfect—it just has to be kind and thoughtful.
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Understanding Dementia Communication
[0:01] Communicating with a loved one with dementia can feel like you are trying to learn how to speak a different language. How you engage meaningfully, how you avoid frustration, and how you maintain compassion can be very challenging for us when we are trying to meet the person where they are. In today’s episode, we are going to explore a couple of strategies to help you to connect with the person you are helping who is living with dementia, including meeting them where they are without using the strategy called therapeutic lying. We’re also going to look briefly at hallucinations in dementia and dementia caregiving. And this is another one of our dementia coaching in action episodes where you will hear live dementia support in action. Hey, Christian caregiver. Welcome to Dementia Caregiver Support for Christians, the podcast where I teach Bible believing Christians how to make dementia care easier today while also helping you focus on tomorrow. If you are a Christian spouse, an adult child, or a family member of a person living with dementia, this podcast is for you.
[1:22] Here, we are focusing on kingdom-focused caregiving, as well as honoring the Lord Jesus Christ in our caregiving journey. This podcast is for you, whether you have just found out somebody you love has dementia, or if you have been navigating this journey for 20 years. So listen to today’s episode where we explore live dementia support in action.
[1:51] So I want you to consider that one of the biggest challenges that we have is that when somebody’s brain isn’t working on the inside, one of the first things that go away is their ability to reason through. So when you’re communicating with your mom and you’re reassuring her from your perspective, mom, you’re 96, you don’t need to go feed the chickens and the horses and the children and so on. You’re coming to her from a place where she’s no longer in her mind she thinks she believes that she is seven eight nine ten twelve years old and she has to go feed the horses so your job is to meet her where she’s at not to bring her back to you okay not to bring her back to the reality of mom you’re 96 years old so a good way to meet her where she’s at is if she starts to say oh i’m worried about the children.
Meeting Them Where They Are
[2:47] Well, tell me more about the children. What are the children doing? What do the children need?
[2:52] How can we help the children? Get her to talk about what it is that she’s believing. And then you just validate her emotions and say, I will take care of the children. I will go do and then tell her what she’s done and then reassure her that they’re being taken care of. The same thing with the animals. Oh, it’s time for me to go feed the chickens. Well, mom, tell me, you know, tell me a little bit more about what we did when we go feed the chickens and get her to talk because she’s reliving that period in her life. And when our brain is not working as well as it did before, trying to bring them to our reality does not work. We meet where they are. Okay. Did that help? Yes. Yeah. I almost feel sometimes that I’m not being honest with her if I’m sort of pretending that there are still sort of hens and horses and children to be minded when there aren’t. But I’m not telling you to lie to her. I’m telling you to ask her what she believes. Okay, just investigate.
[3:52] Investigate it. What does she believe about? So I’m a Christian and for many, many, many years when I was working in the medical field, they had this strategy called therapeutic lying. And for decades, I didn’t understand that there was a different way of doing it because that’s what the whole world tells you to do. Just tell a therapeutic lie, go into their reality and just whatever they say, just lie, just tell a flat out lie. And I had a long conversation with a pastor friend because I was really struggling with, number one, because I don’t like to lie. Number two, I’m not a very good liar. You can see it on my face the moment I lie. But as a Christian, I always wondered why, but at the same time, the strategy is effective. Right? Because the person is not thinking the way they always used to think. And what my pastor friend told me was, we serve a God of truth. There has to be some truth in what you are saying to them, which is why you
The Dilemma of Therapeutic Lying
[4:57] try to get them to tell you what they believe. And then you can use the strategy of just acknowledging that they must be right, right? You’re not telling them that, you’re not lying to them. For example.
[5:12] Like, well, where’s dad, right? So your mom says to you, where’s my husband? Where’s my husband? And you just flat out come out, not you, a person, right? Just flat out comes out and says, well, dad’s at work. Well, dad’s long gone. Dad’s not at work. That’s just a flat out lie to try to redirect the person and not upset them. Or where’s dad? It’s five o’clock. Dad should be home. Well, where do you think dad is? Well, I think dad It might have gone to the store. Well, mom, you must be right. I didn’t look into her. Well, that’s interesting now because I just step… Every time she asks about my father, I said, oh, he’s flying around in heaven. He’s having a great time. So how did she respond, though? For a while, she was… Almost like had to grieve him every time because it upset her, you know. But does she still do that now? Does she do that now still? She’s not so bad. She’s kind of getting used to everyone flying around in heaven because most of them are.
[6:09] But she sort of, yeah, it doesn’t affect her too much anymore. She just kind of gets a kind of, oh, oh dear, oh, you know. So, you know, there are a couple of ways that people have chosen to do that. I’ve had people I’ve worked with who would just continue to reiterate the person has passed away because the response of the person wasn’t magnified. You understand what I mean?
[6:32] Like some people, if you tell them, oh, your husband has passed away and they go into a total grief cycle every day, that’s a hard thing to relive. But if she’s not, like you have to know the person that you’re helping. As long as what you’re doing doesn’t make the situation worse, then you can continue to do what you’ve been doing if it’s working.
Hallucinations and Their Impact
[6:56] But if it makes it worse, that’s when you want to try something different. Oh, there’s a big one. I forgot about this. She keeps seeing people all over the room. Okay. So that’s probably hallucinating. So your mom, even though she doesn’t have a diagnosis, has definitely got dementia. Okay. Since she’s at the later part of her life and since we’ve had some of these medical things happen, people who have dementia frequently hallucinate. So a hallucination is seeing, hearing, smelling something that is not there. So they really see, hear or smell or taste something that isn’t there. A delusion is believing something falsely. So people get paranoid. They get a paranoid delusion. Somebody’s stealing things.
[7:43] But when she’s seeing something, she has both hallucination and delusions. So when you have hallucinations, hallucinations are frequently a direct result of a physical change in the brain, right? And so there are things that you can do by looking at the environment to see if something’s contributing to the hallucination. People who are really benefiting from the community are the people who joined earlier on before they need it and that have been active and are participating in the community because then they already know what questions to ask and they
Community Support and Resources
[8:22] have a place to come and they’re not constantly wondering, what do I need to do? How do I need to do it? So people listening are interested in tapping into or learning about the community. I’d invite you to just go to the website, thinkdifferentdementia.com. There’s a link for you to schedule a 20-minute call. There’s no pressure. I’ll serve you regardless of whether you join the community or not. But it is a way for you to take this relationship a little deeper, a little bit more hands-on support because really the research also shows its longitudinal support over time. Absolutely. Yeah, for sure. I would highly recommend Lizette. She’s awesome.
[9:01] I appreciate that endorsement. You are well. Thank you everybody for listening today. And as I try to remember, I try to remember, I don’t always remember. May the Lord bless you and keep you and come back and listen some more. I’m hoping to do more of these coaching style episodes on a Friday. So come back and check us out. And thank you for being here today.
