When Words Fade: What Do You Do?
Have you ever stood in the shower, whispering, “Lord, I can’t do this anymore”?
The dishes are undone, the house is in chaos, your body is aching—and tomorrow’s responsibilities are already pressing in. You love God. You pray. You serve. But you wonder if your faith will hold under the weight of caregiving.
If that sounds familiar, you’re not alone. Many Christian caregivers—spouses, daughters, sons, even grandchildren—carry the same hidden exhaustion. You want to care faithfully. You want to honor God. But you’re worn down by long nights, difficult choices, and the silence of feeling unseen.
Friend, I want to remind you today: trusting God when too tired is not about your strength—it’s about His.
Why Communication Feels Like a Rollercoaster
Delbert was doing everything “right.” He tried coaxing Linda to speak louder, worked with speech therapists, and even researched new techniques. Some days she spoke a little clearer, other days almost nothing at all. It felt unpredictable, like a rollercoaster.
And here’s the hard truth: it wasn’t Delbert failing. It was the disease changing her ability. What he expected—conversation, explanation, clarity—no longer matched the reality of what her brain could do. That gap between expectation and reality was the real source of his pain.
“God is not a God of confusion but of peace” (1 Corinthians 14:33). When dementia makes life feel confusing, our God reminds us that there is still order and peace available.
How to Communicate Without Words
When words fade, you can still connect. Communication isn’t gone—it just looks different. Using the DigniCare Method™, here are three practical shifts you can make:
1. Redefine Communication
Think back to when your children were toddlers. They couldn’t say, “I love you,” but you knew it anyway. In dementia, the same principle applies. Your loved one’s sigh, their eyes, or even their laughter are ways of connecting.
Action Step: Stop measuring success by words. Measure it by moments of connection.
2. Use the Process of Elimination
Delbert already knew most of his wife’s needs. She had eaten. She had been repositioned. Her nurse had checked on her. That means her tears weren’t always about unmet physical needs. Sometimes, they were simply the disease expressing itself.
Action Step: Run through a simple checklist:
- Hunger?
- Bathroom?
- Pain?
- Positioning?
- Comfort?
3. Validate, Don’t Fix
One of the most powerful tools in late-stage care is Therapeutic Truth-Telling™. Instead of trying to fix what you don’t understand, mirror their emotions. If they laugh, laugh with them. If they cry, sit close and say, “I’m right here with you.”
Action Step: Replace “What’s wrong?” with “I’m here. You’re safe.”
Stewarding Expectations with Faith
Delbert’s relief came when he realized he wasn’t failing. He was faithfully caring for his wife, even when she couldn’t explain herself. By narrowing the gap between what he hoped for (clear words) and what was possible (emotional presence), he could breathe again.
This is what the DigniCare Journey™ calls moving from confusion to clarity, and from burden to stewardship.
You are not expected to do this perfectly. You are called to steward this season faithfully—with patience, love, and practical wisdom.
One Simple Next Step for You
If you’re tired of straining to understand words that aren’t coming, remember: you can still connect, still love, still honor your person.
And you don’t have to walk this road alone.
👉 Join me for our free monthly workshop: How To Immediately Reduce Dementia Caregiver Overwhelm and Stress in 3 Easy Steps.
Because caregiving is not chaos. It is not random. It is a season to be stewarded—with clarity, order, and peace.
Transcript
Beginning the Journey
I just wish my wife could speak louder so I’d know what she needs. Maybe you have felt the same. Leaning in, straining to catch every word, then walking away frustrated because you still don’t know what’s wrong. In late-stage dementia, words fade, but that doesn’t mean communication has to stop. You can communicate differently in late-stage dementia without frustration, and it starts with us naming the real problem.
Hey, Christian Care Companion, welcome back to Dementia Caregiver Support for Christians, the podcast where we help Bible-believing Christians walk their dementia caregiving with clarity, perseverance, and hope in Christ. Today, we are shining a light on a problem almost every caregiver faces every single day in caregiving—communication and connection. When logic and reasoning don’t work anymore, it is easy to feel like you’re failing, but you are not failing. You just need new tools to communicate.
And before we dive in, let me remind you, you do not need to carry this alone. That is why I created the Christian DigniCare Society. For less than $100, about the cost of a nice dinner out, you’ll get lifetime access to steady, faith-centered support. You can join our monthly question and answer calls, have opportunities to pray with and for each other. You’ll find curated topics that answer your questions and a safe space to ask me questions in between. And if you join before the end of this year, I’ll personally welcome you in with a 15-minute call. You can sign up on the website or in the link in the show notes below. Or, if you’d rather start smaller, come to our next free Ask the Dementia Coach on September the 20th. You can register at thinkdifferentdementia.com forward slash ask,
Delbert’s Struggle with Communication
where you can receive live dementia caregiver support in action. Now, let us listen to Delbert and how we worked through his struggle to communicate with his dear wife.
Delbert, I am excited to see you. So Delbert, we are going to start. I take people through a very specific process, but in six months, if things are easier in your caregiving journey, what would need to have happened for you to say that you have stewarded it well, keeping in mind your health, your relationships, and then walking faithfully through this season? My biggest obstacle, hard part, is communication. With Louie Body, I know it’s typical that they don’t respond with a nice, loud voice. She’s very soft-spoken.
And so that is my main thing. It’s a way that I can help her. I try to coax her to speak louder and repeat. And so today it’s been pretty good. She’s talking pretty good. But most times she sleeps most of the day. I know we’re in the latter stage. I don’t know how far. Nobody does. Okay. That is my main thing is if I could do something to help her understand what I’m saying and speak louder so I can understand what her needs are. Whether it be physical or food or just speech or whatever concern, that would be the, if I could look back six months from now and say, we got our communications back to her, it’s more helpful. It’s a long-term thing to try to get, you know, if she’s crying or she’s hurting. Understand what she’s hurting at. With the dementia, it has affected her speech better most times. So that’s where I’m at. And so I’m always open for any suggestions. Wonderful. Now, what do you think is actually getting in the way of that?
Understanding the Challenges
I’m going to say the disease. Okay. That’s all I can see because she can hear me. She hears fine. But the response is very, very soft.
And sometimes it’s garbled.
I totally understand. And I actually have a little bit of an advantage here because I’ve met your wife, your beautiful wife.
So would it be okay, Delbert, if I shared with you based, number one, off of what I had seen when I was at your house not too long ago, because I do have a little bit of an advantage. I’ve actually met your beautiful bride. And number two, to just give you some feedback related to what I had observed and then ask a couple of clarification questions. Okay. So the last time you and I spoke, you had pursued and looked at a speech-language pathologist. How did that go? She was able to help somewhat, but just limited. She was coming a couple times a week, and then it went down to, she told me what she thought. She had some good suggestions for help along the way, and it helped. But gradually it came down to once a week, then once a couple weeks, and she’s not returning now. Okay. I did talk to another friend of my son’s, and who has a master’s and a doctorate in speech and pathology. And he was able to give me some more, some of the things I’ve been doing anyway. But that was to reinforce that. So it helps. So I’m just chill after any magic wands.
Okay. So can I take a stab at this? Sure. Please. Please don’t shoot the messenger.
It’s hard from here. I understand. And this is not meant to sound unkind. It’s not coming from an unkind perspective or an unkind spirit. I know that traditional healthcare has good strategies, good suggestions, etc. I know that when they come in and they work with your wife and they help you
The Gap Between Expectation and Reality
with these things, that it’s getting a little bit better for a little period of time. And the reality is that you were listening earlier, you were on when I was speaking with Stacia, right? You are in the process of landing her plane. She is in the process of changing. The things that we know is she has Lewy body dementia. The things we know is she’s already on hospice. Those things are already true. The thing that I observed when I came to your house and I interacted with her is she has what’s called pseudobulbar effect. Has anybody ever told you that those words.
Pseudo-bulbar, B-U-L-B-A-R, pseudo-bulbar effect. Okay. Pseudo-Golbert effect is literally her inability to control her emotions. It is a physical response to the changes in her brain. And so I recall when I was at your house, and I understand entirely 100% why you feel the way you feel, because it feels sometimes, and these are my words, not yours, so please correct me if I’m wrong, I would perceive that some days you feel like you’re on a roller coaster and you don’t know which way is up. Because the one moment she is laughing and the second after it she’s crying. Just about that, yep. Exactly, right? And for you, trying to communicate with her, I know likely feels like, oh my goodness, what did I do wrong? Why is she laughing one second and crying the next? What’s going on?
Right? So do you recall when I came to visit you at your house, I had a wonderful conversation with your wife. She had no idea what I said. I had no idea what she said. And I left there feeling like I had communicated with her and I had a wonderful experience communicating with her.
Because I was not relying on verbal communication. Okay. So I’m going to give an example, and not from a disrespectful perspective because I know your wife is not a child, but I also know that children are good examples because most of us have been around kiddos, right? Yep. Remember way back when, when your littles were little, and they were babies and they were maybe, you know, just learning to start to speak. They could not tell you, I love you, but you had no shadow of a doubt that they loved you. You could tell them you loved them and they had no shadow of a doubt that you loved them. Right? And so I think one of the biggest struggles, Delbert, that you’re having right now, and I see this all the time, is the gap between reality and expectation.
Okay? The reality is your wife cannot verbally communicate anymore. She cannot tell you what’s wrong, what’s hurting, what’s painful, why she’s crying, why she’s laughing. She cannot tell you that anymore because she doesn’t have the ability to do it anymore. Well, I’m going to stop you in the middle of that because it takes a lot of talking and effort to find out if she’s laughing and not a problem. But when she’s crying, I’m trying to determine if it’s physical or just mental. And so we’re getting through this physical. I can communicate enough to ask you a question. It’s a process of elimination to figure out. Yes. Exactly. But the reality is still here. Her communication level is here. Way down there, yep. And your expectation level is here. Well, I guess that was, you’re kind of right. I would say that, except I’m just asking because I’m hoping that there’s some miracle secret that might help. Okay. Let’s bridge the gap. I understand 100%, and I don’t think it’s wrong for you to want that.
And every conversation I’ve had with you was the same statement, the communication piece. And what I’m hoping for you to take away from today is there is a gap between your expectation of what is possible and the reality of where we are. And as long as that remains true, you’re going to continue to look for, ask for, and seek better ways of communicating with her verbally. And I said, like, this morning, it’s been really good. She’s talked much more. Again, it’s a roller coaster. It is a roller coaster.
Validating Emotions and Needs
And it makes people feel like they’re losing their mind because it’s like, why could she do this yesterday, but she cannot do it today? It’s the body dementia. It’s the dementia. Exactly. You are doing such a good job of taking care of her. You have tried everything. You have gone above and beyond learning different ways to communicate with her, and you should be so proud of doing that. And I’m not saying that we don’t continue to use the strategies that the speech therapists are giving you, that you don’t slow down and do those things. But my request for you would be to just ponder and reflect what is truly, like, when is a good day?
What does that look like? And when it is not a good day, not related to her communicating with you, but maybe where you are in your expectations and see if we can narrow that gap so that you can still enjoy where you are with her and not feel like you’re failing her because you’re not failing her you are not failing her i want you to research the pseudo you’re a researcher i want you to research the pseudobulbar effect because that is a physical response to changes in her brain.
And it’ll help make it a little bit more clear to you why one moment she’s laughing and one moment she’s crying. And they’re the opposite sides of the coin, just as much as when she’s laughing. If I mirrored her being upbeat and laughing with her and just joking, she mirrored me. when she started crying, which was the flip switch, and she started to cry. I had no idea what was going on. I could see she’s well cared for. I could see she was in a comfortable position. And I just mirrored her emotions and just validated that she is experiencing what she is experiencing. Because you’re with her 24 hours a day, Delbert, you know what you’ve done. You know what you’ve taken care of. You know whether she’s had a bowel movement, whether she might be uncomfortable, whether she needs to be repositioned. You know all of those things already. So for you, it is really just a process of, okay, if she’s not had a bowel movement, is she maybe fixing to have a bowel movement? And that’s why she’s crying. If she has not been repositioned, do I just reposition her and see if I can get her more comfortable? Not her expressing Zing.
Her expressing the what that is wrong is less important than you recognizing and seeing and knowing what you’ve already tried and meeting that need. Because when we have little people who cannot tell us where they’re hurting
Action Steps and Reflection
or what’s going on, we figure it out by a process of elimination. Right. Okay? So what’s one action step that you can take from our conversation today?
Research pseudo-bulber effect. Research pseudo-bulber effect. And then just, I guess by God’s grace, more patience along the way. Right. And let me know if you’re ready for me to circle back, okay? Okay, I’ve got one more question, okay? Yes.
Preparing for Respite
We’re privileged to have a respite coming up. Starting Tuesday next week for six days. Okay. Family’s getting together up in New Hampshire for a canoe trip. So I just want any suggestions on how to approach her to see if I can help prepare her for that little change in location for a while. Any suggestions? I think that is a very wonderful thing that you are doing for yourself by taking this respite trip. So first off, kudos for you That is good stewardship for you And the same answer that I gave Related to little people.
The way we are trying to I want you to honor your wife I want you to tell her that it’s coming But I also want you to know and recognize that the expectation of her understanding, what is coming may not be, a realistic expectation. Right. I just want to put it there so she has some, maybe even a little understanding of what’s going on. I want you to put it out there so that you know that you honored her. Right. as opposed to you feel like you’re withholding the information from her and you did not let her know. The reality is you need the rest. The reality is she has very limited awareness of whether or not she’s in your own home still. The reality is nobody is going to take care of her as well as you will. The reality is that you do need to have a rest. The people at the facility will take good, adequate care of her Is it going to be perfect? No. Is it going to be the way Delbert does it? No, not at all. And.
We have to also know that she is in the end stages of her disease, and we also need to know and be okay if, by God’s grace, she’s one of the people who does not want her family to be there when she passes, and that if she passes away while you’re gone, it’s okay. Yeah, that’s a possibility. It is a possibility, for sure. A good note to, just so you know, we have, can I say the name of the company that is doing our hospice? It’s Agape Home Hospice. They’re great. They’ve been great. And the benefit, the respite place is about 20 minutes away. And the CNA goes there every day. There you go. Number two is the nurse.
It’s Linda’s nurse. Can go there also. So it’ll be a real blessing to have that. Yeah, for sure. The CNA said she would call when she gets there and have me talk to Linda, which might help too. Right. It’s just a good thing. You have done everything you can to set her up for success. And I am super proud of you. And I am very glad that you were here today. And thank you so much for mentioning the respite. I think that’s very important for people to hear.
The Importance of Community Support
You cannot be on duty 24 hours a day, seven days a week.
Yeah. Good. I will continue to listen. I say thank you very much. You’re welcome. And let me know if you need me to stop by again, okay? Okay, will do. All righty. Bye, Delbert. Bye-bye. People who are really benefiting from the community are the people who joined earlier on before they need it and that have been active and are participating in the community because then they already know what questions to ask and they have a place to come and they’re not constantly wondering, what do I need to do? How do I need to do it? So people listening are interested in tapping into or learning about the community. I’d invite you to just go to the website, thinkdifferentdementia.com. There’s a link for you to schedule a 20-minute call. there’s no pressure i’ll serve you regardless of whether you join the community or not but it is a way for you to take this relationship a little deeper a little bit more hands-on support because really the research also shows its longitudinal support over time absolutely yeah for sure i would highly recommend lizette she’s awesome i see i appreciate that endorsement.
