Why Does Caregiving Feel So Hard—Even When You’re Doing Everything “Right”?
What if your exhaustion isn’t because you’re failing… but because you’re trying to care like someone you’re not?
That’s what happened to Julia, a caregiver I worked with recently. Julia was deeply committed to caring for her husband with dementia. Organized, thoughtful, and driven by a deep sense of responsibility, she tried to plan every meal, appointment, and medication down to the hour. But despite her best efforts, everything kept falling apart. Her husband’s unpredictable behaviors threw off her carefully built routines. And every time that happened, Julia blamed herself.
She Had the Paperwork—But Not the Peace
Julia had the schedules. She had the medical information. She even had support from her church. But what she didn’t have was peace. Why? Because she was forcing herself to fit into a caregiving style that didn’t match how God had uniquely wired her.
We began by taking a look at her natural strengths using a tool I often use with my clients—the Kolbe Index. What we discovered changed everything. Julia wasn’t failing. She was just trying to do everything herself, in a way that clashed with her core design. Once she began honoring her strengths instead of suppressing them, she was able to shift her approach—and breathe again.
Recognize Your God-Given Wiring
Each of us is made uniquely by God. Some caregivers thrive on routine. Others are naturally flexible. Some need all the details before making a decision, while others need just the big picture.
Caregiving will always have hard days. But it gets exponentially harder when you’re constantly working against your design. In Psalm 139, we’re reminded that we are “fearfully and wonderfully made.” That includes how you problem-solve, how you take action, and how you respond under pressure.
Instead of asking, “Why can’t I handle this?” ask, “Am I trying to handle this in a way that doesn’t fit how God made me?”
Start With One Small Shift
For Julia, the shift was creating backup plans—Plan A, B, and C—so she had structure without rigidity.
For another client, it was asking a friend to be her “sounding board” so she could process out loud without overwhelming her loved one.
Your shift might look different:
- If you hate paperwork, can someone else manage the med list?
- If you need quiet, can you build in a 10-minute walk each day?
- If you need data, ask your doctor for printouts you can read at your own pace.
You don’t have to overhaul your entire life. Start small. Steward what God has already put in your hands.
You Weren’t Meant to Do This Alone
Too many caregivers try to “do it all” because they think that’s what faithfulness looks like. But Scripture tells a different story.
Romans 12 reminds us we are one body with many parts. No one has every strength. God built interdependence into His design. So if you feel like you’re drowning, that doesn’t mean you’re weak. It might mean you need to let someone else do the part you weren’t designed to do.
Here’s a simple next step: Make a list of tasks you could delegate. Keep it in your purse. The next time someone asks, “What can I do to help?”—you’ll be ready.
Steward Your Strengths Without Comparing
Jesus didn’t praise the servant who doubled someone else’s talents. He praised the servant who was faithful with what he was given (Matthew 25).
That means you don’t have to care like your sister does. You don’t have to keep up with your neighbor or mimic what someone on Instagram is doing.
Faithfulness looks different for each of us. The question isn’t, “Am I doing enough?” The question is, “Am I being faithful with what God has entrusted to me?”
Therapeutic Truth-Telling™ in Action
One of our core teachings in the DigniCare™ Method is something we call Therapeutic Truth-Telling™. It means honoring both the person with dementia and the truth of your caregiving reality.
That includes telling yourself the truth:
- “I can’t do this alone.”
- “I need help with meal planning.”
- “I’m not wired for late-night meds, and that’s okay.”
Naming the truth isn’t weakness. It’s wisdom. And it’s the first step toward creating a caregiving rhythm that works for your family and honors your God-given wiring.
You Can’t Pour From an Empty Cup
If you keep pushing yourself to care like someone else, you’ll stay stuck in stress and guilt. But when you begin to care from your strengths, clarity and peace start to grow.
So today, I want to leave you with one question:
Where are you currently forcing yourself to care in a way that doesn’t match your design—and what would it look like to stop?
If you need help identifying your strengths or want to take the Kolbe Index I mentioned, I’d love to walk you through it. You don’t have to stay in burnout.
Let’s Take the Next Faithful Step Together
Join our monthly free workshop:
How To Immediately Reduce Dementia Caregiver Overwhelm and Stress In 3 Easy Steps
Or schedule a 20-minute call with me to explore how your caregiving style aligns with your God-given strengths.
Remember: God is not a God of confusion. You can do this—when you stop trying to do it alone.
Transcript
The Real Reason for Caregiver Burnout
[0:01] What if I told you that your biggest caregiving frustrations aren’t about dementia [0:07] at all, but about what you’re trying to do in a way God never designed you to? The real reason you feel burned out isn’t because you’re weak or unloving. It’s because you’re ignoring your unique God-given strengths that He has provided for you in this season. If you keep forcing yourself to care like someone else, you will stay stuck in stress and guilt. Today, I’m going to show you how to stop fighting your God-given design and start stewarding it so you can finally walk this journey with peace and purpose.
[0:50] Hey, Christian Care Companion. Welcome to Dementia Caregiver Support for Christians, the podcast where I equip Bible-believing Christians.
[0:59] Whether you’re a spouse, an adult child, or a family member in the trenches, how to navigate dementia caregiving for God’s glory and for your good. Here, we lean on biblical wisdom, practical tools, and faithful stewardship so you can approach caregiving with clarity and confidence, trusting God to work through the season for his purposes and for your good. Before we dive in, I want to invite you to a free live workshop that is happening this weekend. It is the three unusual mistakes that keep Christian dementia caregivers overwhelmed. It is Saturday, July the 12th at 12 p.m. Eastern. I’ll be teaching the most common, but often hidden mistakes that keep caregivers stuck and how you can avoid them with simple steps. I invite you to save your seat now at thinkdifferentdementia.com forward slash WSL. And this is a brand new workshop. So if you’ve come to the others before,
Discovering Your Unique Strengths
[2:09] this is a new topic and a new workshop. Now, let’s dive into today’s episode, How to Care for a Loved One Without Burning Out by Using Your God-Given Strengths.
[2:25] Well, I will never forget a couple of years ago, I was working with a private client where I had her take a strength assessment in order to see how she intuitively problem solves and takes action when she does things. And I’ll never forget when we first started working together, I did not necessarily realize or recognize how much of a gift this was for her and how much a gift it was for me in really using an assessment to look at a person’s innate strengths. And what I found out in working with this particular client was she was very much wired, just like me. And the way she intuitively problem-solves and takes action is by brainstorming, coming up with a lot of ideas, having lots of rapid-fire changes.
[3:33] And in her marriage with her husband, they had always been able to communicate that way. And now he was living with dementia. And all of a sudden, every single time. She would go back into her normal innate way of problem solving and striving and taking action. She had a very specific response from him, and it was always this whoosh, and there was conflict. And before, I would have ascribed or I would have believed that the reason behind it was different than the reason it actually was. And so what we ended up having to do was really work through this as a problem, how to leverage her unique strengths, her unique abilities in being able to continue to problem solve in that way, but without then using it in that particular way in her marriage, and we had to come up with someone else for her to brainstorm with, her to come up with two solutions.
[4:44] Present them to her husband, and then he was able to help make the decision. And I never would have actually thought of how impactful this was until I started reflecting on my own unique strengths, my own unique God-given talents, and how certain things I didn’t understand why they were so frustrating to me as a caregiver. And one of the things that was so super frustrating to me, and that I really did not understand why, was dealing with medication and the pharmacy because my unique way of problem solving and doing things is very much a fly by the seat of my pants. And I am extremely able to be flexible and that works extremely well in a caregiving situation. But related to medication and prescriptions.
[5:41] Particularly prescriptions that had to be picked up at a very specific time, it actually went against my grain and it caused me a lot of frustration until
Recognizing Your God-Given Wiring
[5:52] I realized that I needed to be able to work in my own God-given strengths too. So what we’re going to look at today is we are going to look at how to care for your loved one without burning out by actually using your God-given talents. And we’re going to look at it under four different things. First, you have to recognize your God-given wiring. You are made uniquely and different. The second thing is we have to accept that no one has every strength and that we are to be interdependent on one another, and that is a part of God’s design. And that thirdly, that we are to steward our strengths without comparison.
[6:41] We are to be faithful. It has got nothing to do with being fair. It has everything to do with us being faithful. And lastly, we’re going to seek help when we need it, because that is wisdom, not weakness. So the first thing we’re going to look at is recognize your God-given wiring or your God-given talents. For example, a recent client of mine absolutely thrives on structure and planning everything in advance. But she was feeling extremely down on herself because her husband’s unpredictable dementia behaviors were throwing her off every single time. And it was extremely difficult for her because for her, she needs to put everything into a system. So I’ve had clients that are extremely wired to have very detailed information. They need as much of the book thrown at them in order for them to make good decisions. Once they have the information, then they’re able to make a better decision.
[7:52] I’ve had clients where they thrive on a checklist. If you give them a checklist, everything is good in their world. If you were to give me a checklist, everything would not be good in my world because I’ll never follow a checklist. And so when I’m working with clients, when we work together, when we know this about the particular person and their particular strengths, it means that we can customize how we provide care. And it’s not a flaw. This is how we are wired. And God has intentionally designed each of us with unique strengths and tendencies. And when we use or leverage these unique strengths and tendencies in our caregiving, we will be able to be more effective caregivers. Often when I work with my clients, particularly my group clients or my one-on-one clients, I will use a very specific tool called the Colby, K-O-L-B-E, index to identify these strengths. Not to give a person a label, but to reveal how they naturally strive and take action and solve problems. And it changes everything related to their caregiving journey. I’m working with three young adult sons who each have very different MOs, which is a part of the Colby Index.
[9:22] And because I now understand their unique strengths and their unique abilities, I’m able to better communicate with them and actually help the three of them be on the same page. In Psalm 139, verse 13 through 14, it says, For you formed me in my inward parts. You knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, For I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Each of us, dear Christian care companion, is uniquely and wonderfully made. And we are to steward these God-given talents, these God-given strengths.
[10:06] Wisely in how God has made us.
Accepting Our Differences
[10:10] And when we do that, it makes it easier when we are a caregiver. The second thing we’re going to look at today is we have to understand and we have to accept that not everybody has the same strength. We are to be interdependent. That is a part of God’s order of creation for us. I had a recent caregiver that I was working with who really struggled with these unpredictable changes. She was a nurse by background and training. And the way she was wired was that she needed to be able to fit things into a system that is already working. And her natural strength was stability. And if you’ve been around caregiving for any number of time, we know that it can be and feel very unpredictable. It can feel unstable. And for this particular caregiver.
[11:12] Just being able to recognize that for her in her particular situation, because of her innate wiring.
[11:22] Because her stability was a strength and it was an opportunity for growth for her because it was outside her grain, she wasn’t able to be as flexible as her. Perhaps I might be because I can fly by the seat of my pants and I don’t need a lot of stability, but a lot of people would see this as a weakness and it really wasn’t a weakness. It was something we had to factor in and we had to find other ways of creating that stability around her and giving her a structure that she could put this into in order for it to make sense. Because without that stability, she was not able to function. And we know that what we learned together was that we needed to focus on the things that she could change and added more support for her in the day-to-day in order for her to be able to function. And so we had to work through these opportunities and be able to create a system that worked for her. You are not, dear caregiver, meant to do everything. God has designed us to be in a body, and you and your family all have differing gifts and all have differing strengths because God has given that to us.
[12:45] We also know that in Romans 12 verses 4 through 6 in the NASB.
[12:52] It says, For just as we have many parts in one body, and all the body’s parts do not have the same function. So we, who are many, are one body in Christ. Since we have gifts that differ according to the grace given to us, each of us is to use them.
[13:11] Properly. So we know that certain things are going to be easier for certain people. A person who is better with their hands may have an easier time with the physical acts of caregiving, whereas a person who may not be as good with working with their hands may need more hands-on training in order to become comfortable with the physical components of caregiving. We have some people who need very little information in order to make a decision. And so if I have a caregiver and I have had family caregivers who are not needing that much information, if I come into that educational opportunity and I bombard them with all of the information that I have related to dementia and dementia caregiving, I’m doing them a disservice because they don’t need it.
[14:09] Whereas their daughter may need all of the information and then we have to give her the information. But if we understand that he doesn’t need it and she does, then all of a sudden she is less frustrated because her father does not need that level of information and we give him what he needs and we give her what she needs. So we are to steward our strengths and we are to be interdependent on one another.
Stewarding Strengths Without Comparison
[14:40] We are not created to do this alone.
[14:43] The third thing that we’re going to look at is stewarding your strength without comparing, without comparing yourself to someone else, because we are supposed to just be faithful to what the Lord gives us to do. And what came to mind as I was preparing for today’s podcast was the parable of the talents. And in Matthew 25 verses 14 through 15, it talks about to one he gave five talents, to another two, to another one, to each according to his ability. And then Later on in the same passage, it talks about well done, good and faithful servant. So the application here for us as caregivers is some caregivers have more talents or natural skills or natural abilities, maybe in logistics.
[15:32] Maybe in emotional connection, maybe in endurance, and maybe other caregivers only have one or two talents. And it’s not an issue if you have been given more abilities than someone else. It is that we are called as a caregiver to be faithful and use the talents that we have, but recognizing our own abilities, strengths, and limitations.
[16:00] We are not supposed to be everything for everyone. We are called to be faithful in the tasks that the Lord gives us. And this stewarding your strengths without comparison really makes me think of the episode where we talk about the 4D method, which is what is mine to do? What can I delegate? What can I delete or absolutely put off for the season? And what is mine to be able to delay? And it helps you prioritize what you need to be able to do because each of us is only given 24 hours in a day. Each of us have unique abilities and strengths and we need to leverage it. And then we need to manage our expectations because people are people and people are going to not be faithful. And you can feel let down by family members who maybe should be stepping up and are not. And in those cases, what we work on when we work together is to manage your expectation of what the reality of your situation is. And so God isn’t asking you for you to have the identical same result as another caregiver. He is calling you to be faithful with what you are provided with your own unique strengths and abilities.
[17:26] And in previous episodes recently, I have spoken also about your time and your energy and your resources, your finances. All of these things are part of our stewardship of this journey today. And when we’re talking today about leveraging your strength, it is another way for you to steward your journey. And so stewardship and accountability is a part of our being faithful to God’s journey. And it is not for us to be comparing ourselves with someone else. Not everybody has the same gifts.
[18:01] I know for a fact that, you know, some people are way more better at musical talents than what I am. We know that other people are maybe better at being artists than I am. And we don’t compare ourselves with those people. We are thankful for their gifts. And so we have to look at that in our caregiving journey too.
The Wisdom of Seeking Help
[18:24] How do we put people in our world that have other innate strengths to help us on this journey? And that brings us to point number four, which is seek help when needed. This is wisdom. It’s not being weak. And so, for example, if you are a caregiver who always prides yourself on doing everything alone and you’re burning out, I want you to stop and reflect. Is this really what God is calling you to do? Should you be trying to do everything by yourself? Where can you ask for help?
[18:57] I’ll never forget I did a presentation at a local church where I had an occupational therapist who’s a friend of mine in the audience. And one of the strategies that I taught the church is people will very well meaningly come up to a caregiver and say, let me know whatever I can do to help you. I’m happy to help. Just let me know what I can do. Well, that shuts a caregiver’s brain down. You know this. You’ve got a hundred things on your list that can be done. But when somebody puts you in the spot, it’s hard for you to then come up with and ask something for people to help you with. And so what I taught at that workshop at the church was for caregivers to generate a list to keep in their purse of things that they can, they need help with. Things like bringing me a meal once a week. Things like helping me mow the lawn. Things like maybe coming and taking my person out every Thursday afternoon from 1 until 5 so I can go have my massage. Can you tell what I’m having tomorrow? It’s because I have massage on the brain. In any case, have a list in your pocket. And so when we are able to then give a person a list and say, here, this is the help that I need, what can you do and put it on your calendar that is wisdom, that gives the church, the body around you.
[20:20] Something to actually do. And seeking help is being wise because burning out just kicks the can down the line. If you are the spousal caregiver who burns out and you become one of the 30% of family caregivers who pass away before the person they’re caring for.
[20:41] You have now inadvertently put your adult children into the same hot water that you were in. Or if you are the adult daughter taking care of a parent and you’re not taking care of yourself and because you’re trying to do everything alone and you’re nearing burning out because you’re not asking for help, you’re not asking for things for people to do to help you, you might end up creating this exact same scenario for your children in the future because you didn’t navigate this journey. me. Through wise stewardship. So it is wise to seek help. It is wise to seek support. It is not selfish. It is biblical stewardship because in Proverbs 15 verse 22, it says, Without counsel, plans fail, but with many advisors, they succeed. So God gives us people in our lives to help us. We are not supposed to do this alone. It is wisdom and it is an act of stewardship.
Key Takeaways for Caregivers
[21:54] So yet again, to recap today’s episode, here are four key takeaways. God designed your caregiver strengths intentionally. You are uniquely made to be you and you have unique strengths that you can leverage.
[22:13] And secondly, you should not necessarily blame yourself for not being able to be everything and do everything because it’s not necessarily your particular strength. And when something isn’t your particular strength, we can learn how to do things better. But if it’s really something that is not something that you’re able to do, it is okay to find somebody who can help you.
[22:41] Thirdly, faithfully stewarding the strengths that you have is wisdom, and you do not need to feel guilty, and you do not need to compare yourself to other people. You need to stand in your uniqueness, and then it is wise and scriptural to ask for help. The Lord commands us to ask for help when we need help. That is what we’re supposed to do. We’re supposed to cry out to God. And so cry out to the Lord. Ask Him for wisdom. Ask Him for where you’re really struggling in your caregiving journey. Is it something that is a sin? Is it something that you do need to work on? Or is it something that you’re just not uniquely gifted for? And there is a balance, and I recognize that. And if you struggle to figure that out, please schedule a call, get on my calendar. I’ll spend 20 minutes with you. We can talk about your unique abilities, your strengths as a caregiver. And I want you to reflect for yourself, where are you currently perhaps forcing yourself to be operating outside your particular God-given design? And what would it actually look like for you to steward your strengths faithfully? And if you’re interested in taking the Colby Index, K-O-L-B-E dot com.
[24:07] The index, Colby Index, please reach out to me. Take it, get it. And it takes, it’s $55, you can get it on their website and, or you can reach out to me and we can schedule a time for you to take the assessment. And then I will go over the results with you. It’s just something I do for fun. It’s something that I do for my clients, but it has made a tremendous, tremendous difference.
[24:33] In both how I approach their caregiving journey, as well as how they approach their caregiving journey. And so if you’re interested in perhaps coming to this workshop this week, it is tomorrow. We do it once a month. I have a free monthly workshop. It is the three unusual mistakes we make that keep Christian caregivers overwhelmed. And you’re welcome to come. It’s not too late. You can register at thinkdifferentdementia.com forward slash WSL, and I will help you see the three biggest mistakes I see Christian caregivers make. So I hope you register for this workshop this weekend, and or if you are ready to take the next faithful step in your caregiving journey, hop on my calendar. We’ll spend 20 minutes together, and I would love to be able to serve you in this caregiving season that you are in. And as I end all of these podcast episodes.
[25:37] May the Lord bless you and keep you and truly, truly know and understand that I do pray for you as a family caregiver because we are on a different type of a journey. And our journey is to glorify God and enjoy Him forever, even despite a dementia diagnosis. So I hope to see you in the next episode.
