What If You’re the Only One Showing Up?
How do you care for a loved one with dementia—when you’re the only one left holding the bag?
The decisions. The appointments. The family drama.
And the ache of wondering if using their money to get your help makes you selfish… or faithful.
Joseph, a Christian caregiver and podcast guest, found himself exactly here. After his mom passed, he became the full-time caregiver for his 91-year-old father. No wife. One sibling. A house full of memories—and a calendar packed with caregiving responsibilities.
Joseph had the paperwork. What he didn’t have was peace.
He Had the Power of Attorney, But Not the Peace
Joseph had done everything “right.” Legal documents? In order. His dad’s daily needs? Covered. But he still lay awake at night, battling the same guilt many Christian caregivers face:
Should I be doing more myself? Or is it okay to pay someone to help?
Like many adult children caring for a parent, Joseph worried that using his father’s resources to bring in extra help was irresponsible. Would others think he was taking advantage? Would God?
That question hits deep. Especially for caregivers raised to believe that self-sacrifice is the only faithful path.
Start With One Small Shift
Joseph didn’t need more hustle. He needed permission.
Permission to steward—not shoulder—his father’s care.
Through a coaching conversation, he began reframing his role using the DigniCare™ Method:
Begin with the end in mind. What would faithful caregiving look like six months from now?
Use what God has provided. Stewardship includes using resources—time, money, energy—for their intended purpose.
Create a repeatable rhythm. Support isn’t selfish. It’s strategic.
He started identifying local home care agencies, not as a sign of weakness—but as a sign of wisdom. And he asked fellow believers for referrals. Because Joseph wasn’t meant to carry this alone.
Therapeutic Truth-Telling™ in Action
One of the most powerful moments came when Joseph admitted what most caregivers won’t say aloud:
“I feel less courageous this time. I’ve done this before. And it nearly broke me.”
That honesty opened the door for Therapeutic Truth-Telling™—the biblical alternative to therapeutic lying. He named the truth:
His father is declining.
His energy is limited.
And yes, this is different than caring for Mom.
That truth didn’t make him weak. It made him wise.
God is a God of truth—not confusion. And when we care for our loved ones from a place of clarity, we can finally take steps that bring peace, not regret.
Why You Shouldn’t Wait for a Crisis
Joseph’s story is a warning and an invitation.
Too many caregivers wait until they’re drowning to ask for help. They tell themselves it’s too expensive, too complicated, or too soon.
But by the time burnout shows up, it’s already cost more than a CNA ever would have.
Stewarding this season well means acting before it’s urgent.
Build your care team now.
Schedule weekly breaks on purpose.
Use your loved one’s resources while they’re still here to benefit.
And most of all, remember: You’re not betraying them by getting help. You’re honoring the image of God in both of you.
Caregiving Clarity Anchored in Scripture
Joseph walked away with more than a checklist. He walked away with a new definition of faithfulness.
Faithfulness isn’t doing everything yourself.
Faithfulness is doing what’s yours—and trusting God with the rest.
Scripture reminds us: “God is not a God of confusion” (1 Corinthians 14:33). That means even this—this long, unglamorous, exhausting season—has a purpose. And a plan.
You’re not alone. And you don’t have to keep pretending you’re okay.
One Simple Step: Join Our Free Workshop
If Joseph’s story hit close to home, take your first step today.
How To Immediately Reduce Dementia Caregiver Overwhelm and Stress In 3 Easy Steps
You’ll walk away with clarity, a biblical framework, and a plan that actually fits your life—not someone else’s.
Because caregiving may be part of your sanctification journey.
But it was never meant to be a solo one.
Transcript
[0:00] If you are the one holding all of the decisions, the care, the appointments, the family tension, and you’re wondering if it’s even okay to use your parents’
Introduction to Caregiving Challenges
money to get help, you’re not the only one. Joseph was there too. His mom has recently passed away, and now he is caring for his 91-year-old dad, doing everything himself, quietly wondering if getting more help would be selfish or if it would be faithful. In this episode of Dementia Caregiver Support for Christians, you’ll hear a real conversation, one that doesn’t give easy answers, but helps you think biblically about stewardship, family, and what it means to care well during this caregiving season. Because sometimes the faithful thing isn’t doing more. It is using what the Lord has already provided. Hey, Christian Care Companion, welcome to Dementia Caregiver Support for Christians, the podcast where I help Bible-believing spouses.
Adult children, and long-distance family caregivers walk through their dementia caregiving with clarity, peace, and practical help. You do not need to feel like you’re losing your mind or your soul while caregiving. And if you feel like you need a little bit more help to map this out practically, not just theologically, I would invite you to join me for a brand new free workshop on August the 9th at 12 p.m. Eastern. It is called The Three Unusual Mistakes That Keep Christian Dementia Caregivers Overwhelmed.
And in this workshop, we look at three mistakes that we might be making that can keep you stuck and how to make a decision to move forward that will bring you peace and clarity. You can register today at thinkdifferentdementia.com forward slash WSL. And now let’s hop into a coaching style episode that comes from our monthly Ask the Dementia Coach question and answer session,
The Journey of Caregiving
where we speak with Joseph, who has recently lost his mom and is still caregiving with his dad. So let’s hop right into today’s episode.
Mr. Joseph, I’m very, very glad that you’re here. So you’ve been hanging out on this call for a little bit today. I’m going to take you through the same process I’ve just taken all these beautiful ladies through. So I’m going to start with the question. Let’s say it’s six months from today and things are easier in your caregiving journey. What does that look like for you? Okay, I don’t have an answer to that because it’s not that simple. I will tell you that. Before we get complicated, there’s a very important reason I ask the question the way I’m asking it. And the reason for that is when it is so complicated, we have to distill it down to something tangible that we can actually take action on. Yes. So what would make it easier? Having all the answers at the right time. Okay. That’s a good. And having it done. That’s actually a really good question.
That’s why I say it’s complicated. When you say having all the right answers at the right time, what does that mean? Well, as we all know, dementia is a slow process. And we know death is quick. We’re never, nobody has a clock. Nobody knows when this is going to happen. We’re not guaranteed to. So when I say death is quick, you know, I’ve been through the home care, the hospice. Everybody’s monitoring You know the blood pressure The pulse, the oxygen Everything is fine until it’s not fine So.
Before you continue I’m going to ask a quick clarification question So it sounds like Your mom has passed away She passed in December It almost killed me, And you know there’s a lot of There’s a lot of mental And physical And what I like about your Approach which was something that was missing, is the spiritual aspect. Because, you know, once death comes, all of a sudden the spiritualness just takes over. And I’m, you know, I think there’s the purpose. And I think I love, you know, I’ve looked at some of your videos, you know, not everyone, but, you know, selectively, and just the ones that talk about the purpose. Because I think I think one of the things that happened to me is you’re going, you’re going, you’re going, you’re going.
And of course, you think you’re doing the right thing. And of course, you are doing the right thing. But I like the way you have this, you know, we’re in the image of God. We’re doing this because it’s the right thing to do on many levels. But on the spiritual journey, I think it’s something that gets kind of because there’s so much medical and so much, you know, coordinating and all this. But the spiritual part, I think, helps like sort of like at least after the journey of my mom thinking it helps going through. Okay. So may I ask a quick question? Are you caregiving somebody else as well now? Father. Your father. Okay. Father is 91. Okay. So before you continue, I’m going to ask you a couple of clarification questions. So I’m experienced. I’m trying to tell you. I’m experienced in the end of one. That’s correct. Okay. I’m experienced in the end of thousands. That’s the difference.
That’s the difference. And I’m not meaning that to sound terrible. That’s not the spirit that it comes from. But what I’m trying to show you is that caregiving is like raising a kid, right? Raising a human, any human. They’re commonalities with all humans. We’ve got, you know, for the most part, if we come out the way we’re supposed to, be designed. We have two eyes, two ears, two nose, two hands. And when we’re born, we tend to follow a certain path, right? None of us would argue that humans are the same but different, right? Dementia is the same but different. So now you’ve had one experience with your mom, which has left certain battle scars, for lack of a better word. And now you are my words, not yours, perhaps a little apprehensive, knowing what’s coming with your father. Is that an accurate summary? It’s a different animal, right? Male, female.
There’s obviously personality differences. Always. And then, so it kind of, I feel less courageous. Okay. Because you kind of like, I’ve already been there. And of course, you know, mom is mom, right? Mom gets a certain level of attention and care. father is obviously more difficult and you know we have good communication but The dynamics around it are the same. The sisters, the families, the, you know, the home. Now I’m getting to the crux of it.
Okay. Thank you, young man. Thank you. Alrighty. So having all the right answers at the right time. And now what has come out is a little more detail.
And the detail is from the outside looking in. Yes, I recognize that there are some challenges. Dad is different than mom, all of that. But that’s not really from where I’m looking, listening to you, where the rub is. The rub is that there seems to be potentially a whole bunch of family drama in the background that you’re navigating through this process. So just for just a couple minutes, I have a few questions for you. Does your dad live with you? Yes. Are you the eldest? Yes. Are you the decision maker? In every aspect, yes. Okay, so you have the DPOA, the healthcare power of attorney, all that stuff. And the advice you gave to, was it Margie? Margie. That’s just helped. Without it, it would have just been one roadblock after
Family Dynamics and Decision Making
another. Okay. Okay, so we have all of that lined up. Based on my conversation with you, I can tell that you’re coming from a Christian worldview. Is your father a believer? You know, he used to be a choir boy when he lived in New York, but, you know, you’ve got to really dig in deep to find that guy. Okay. Are your siblings believers?
My sister has turned into one. Okay, how many siblings are there? One. Okay, so your sister is a believer. we potentially have a question mark on dad you’re a believer are you married.
No, divorced, divorced, divorced. Okay. But what the reason I’m asking that question, it’s not that you have a spouse in the house with you that we need to consider in this equation. No, I’m heavily dependent on caregiver of CNAs. And, you know, like I said, I’ve been through the normal home care experience and then the hospice care, and it was tremendous. But there are gaps, obviously there’s a lot and you got to fill the gaps now what level is your father at is your father still walking does he still take care of himself there are three little buckets that people tend to fall in entirely independent just starting to have some changes needing a lot more help and if you didn’t help his quality would be bad but he’s physically still mostly able to do things or he’s total hands-on care and total thinking care?
He’s like an in-betweener. Okay. He’s fallen 55 times. Okay. You know, where I, because I’m around and he falls and there’s no one else to pick him up. So every time he falls, I pick him up.
So the fall is an outlier. Well, 55 falls is not at all normal and I’m not discounting it. He’s very lucky. Picking him up off of the floor after he falls is not what I mean by physical assistance. I mean physical assistance to get bathed and dressed and showered and fed and all of that. Is he still doing that for himself? No. I mean, he can swallow food and drink drinks. Are you feeding him? No. Okay. So he takes a spoon and fork or something and feeds himself. Right, but he’s constantly choking because if the food is not, I have to be careful what I prepare and how well it’s, you know, how well the food is cut. That’s a separate issue. I’m trying to find kind of where he’s functioning. Will he go to the bathroom by himself? Yes, and on himself all the time. The on himself is a separate issue, but in your home, can he find the bathroom? Yes. Without you taking him? Yes. If you give him a shirt, will he put it on? Yes. If you give him a shirt inside out, would he know to turn it right side out and put it on? Yes. Okay. So your dad’s in the middle bucket. The in-betweener, yes. Yeah. Yeah. One, two, three. The middle bucket. Okay.
So would you like my best recommendation for you in your particular situation? Sure. Okay. I love that you said about having the right answers at the right time. And I’m very encouraged that you’re either watching some of the videos or listening to some of the podcasts.
It seems to me that where you are right now is that you’re able to manage, but things are starting to get hard, and a lot of it is all on you. Right. Particularly because right now, even though your dad had been, your mom had been on hospice, it doesn’t sound like you have that level of assistance currently in the house with your father. Am I correct? Right.
He receives physical therapy once a week. Okay. And then we, if, you know, I have to private pay for the CNAs to give him a bath. Okay. Does your father have financial resources? Yes. Are you utilizing your father’s financial resources to pay for additional care in the home so that you can get a break? Not to the level that Ann has with the VA, like the four hour, because I know that’s available. But, you know, I’ve also we all hear stories, right, about the systems out there and the I and there’s nothing we can do about that. I understand. That’s outside our control. It’s just a matter of, it’s actually kind of experimentation. You got to try something.
Utilizing Resources for Care
If you don’t like it, then, you know, fire them and go to the next one. All of that is true, 100%. And what I’d love to propose to you, you mentioned your dad is 91. Correct. Okay. You mentioned it’s just you and a sibling. Correct. Okay. We know that you are the decision maker and the person who can direct your dad’s care. We recognize in our conversation that you need additional help. Yeah, because we know what’s going to grow. Well, correct.
I’m kind of like, What do you call it? Being proactive in the way because I saw what. Yes, go ahead. But what I want to what I want to suggest to you in a very gentle and kind way is use your father’s resources to provide for additional in-home care. Find two agencies locally, one to be the primary agency, a non-medical home health company, and one to be a secondary non-medical home health company. And use his resources to pay for additional care in the home so that you can take breaks. Yeah, non-medical meaning it’s not authorized by a doctor. Non-medical meaning private pay insurance is not going to pay for it. Yeah, just go ahead.
The reason I’m recommending this, Joseph, is because I’ve met so many sons and daughters just like you who for whatever reason, And I’m not saying this is you in particular, but that they may feel guilty in using their parents’ resources to take care of them. That’s true. Because they feel that they should be able to do it. They should be able to do it. And the reason I’m getting this help in the house is because I need a break.
So what I’m proposing is you need to use your dad’s resources to pay for care so that you can get a break, and that is absolutely 100% appropriate to do. Thank you for that. Because the reality of the matter, and I’m just going to unpack it. Because I’m a straight shooter. Yes. Your dad’s 91. He’s going to pass away at some point or another. Your sister and you are the only two children. You are going to inherit whatever is left. That’s correct. Use part of your dad’s resources to pay for his care, knowing that you will receive less of an inheritance and you will not have killed your health and own well-being in the process. So that you, when your dad passes away, still have a future for yourself. Because at 91, I don’t need to know your age. I’m just going to throw basic numbers. You’re somewhere between late 60s to early 70s yourself.
And if you have kids, then you want to be a part of your grandchildren’s life. You want to be a part of your kid’s life. And if you put everything into this bucket of taking care of your dad, which is good and right and needed, then you inadvertently put your own children in the same position later on if you have destroyed your own health and well-being through this process.
The Importance of Self-Care
No, you’re absolutely right. I think about that all the time. So what I’m asking you to consider is if your father has the financial resources to pay for additional care in the home, to not feel guilty that it’s not wise stewardship because it actually is.
It is wise stewardship of his resources, your limited resources by time and effort and physical being. You don’t have unlimited energy. You don’t have unlimited time.
Money can buy you some of that. Money can buy you a little bit of relief so that you can have it for a longer period of time. I have a question. So the question I have is, when assessing these private agencies, I would imagine that most of them will send someone to the home to do an assessment. I haven’t done one of these yet, but I would imagine, so what I’m trying to do is, you know, having the right answer at the right time is I’m having some expectations. In order for that outside agency to actually help, they have to diagnose the patient, the environment, all that stuff. They will send somebody out to do an assessment, yes. And the particular reason I want you to have two is so that you build in a system, a structure. Just like I gave somebody else the suggestion of the schedule, it was Helen with her brother, right? If you always know, you have Monday, Wednesday, Friday from 1 until 6 covered that gives you the ability to go do things, to get out of the house, to visit with friends, to maintain your own leisure activities. That is one of the biggest reasons people burn out.
Related to caregiving is because they’ve actually, or the difference between a person who feels burned out by the time they’re done with this and somebody who is not, even though they went through the same stuff, was the ability to maintain their leisure life, their leisure activities. So we need to create time for you to feel like you still, you still have good quality of life for yourself and you haven’t put everything on hold for your dad right no will you do that for me so yes i will what’s one thing that you’re going to take from today and implement oh i’m going to go and uh and i mean i think well create a database of people that could help agent and then just do you know basically interview them to see what you go and i think that’s going to be, you know, risky in the sense that I’m sure you’re going to get a front person.
That’s going to blah, blah, blah. This is what we do good. And then the next firm is going to come and say, blah, blah, blah. This is what we do good. And then just based on that feedback back and forth, just select one and then select the second one. Yep. And then just, and just another good, another good thing that you can do is speak to your friends at church, people, you know, say, hey, I need a local non-medical home health company. Do you know anybody who’s used a company like that? Do you know anybody who has had in-home care? Who did you use? That’s a good one. So try to get some suggestions from people you know in church.
Right. Okay. Thank you. Thank you. You’re welcome. Joseph, I’m so glad that you are our token male.
Hey, there was a lot of emails peppering me to come here. I’m watching you come. You know, I’m very glad that you’re here. I’m very, very glad that you’re here. And I’m glad you’re here too, doing this. I didn’t know what to expect. So it was a great- Well, I hope it was enjoyable. Yes, it was. And I keep up that, I like that spiritual connection there. I will never stop with that. You sprinkle those little, what do you call it? Biblical verses. And it’s like, wow, I didn’t know that was there. Well, I will tell you that the Lord has been very good and kind to me. And I’ve shared this with Yolanda because we’re in a different community together. But the Lord has taken me from the medical model and allowed me to be a caregiver. So I have the academic. I know what I’m doing from a caregiving dementia perspective. Right. But I’ve been a family caregiver myself. Right. And my husband is a pastor, and I’m a pastor’s wife.
And as I have been journeying through this, I’m like, the medical model is not working. The caregiver-centric model, caregiver burnout, my stress, et cetera, my overwhelm plays a role, for sure, because I’m living it. And it doesn’t work. Neither of these two are working well. So what works? And then God really put it on my heart to stop and say, what does the Bible say about dementia, not the word, dementia, caregiving, etc.? And how do we put this whole thing together? Right. And the reality is we serve a God of order. There is order in dementia. We serve a God of truth. There is truth that we can share consistently throughout this journey.
A Biblical Approach to Caregiving
And we do not need to lie because that is what the medical model teaches you. It’s called therapeutic lying. they teach you to lie to the person because it’s what’s easier and faster than telling the truth or having truth in the situation so i everything i do is based on those two pieces of information how is there truth in this where is the order in this and it is relationship centered it starts with your relationship with god and then your relationship with the people around you and And if you recall, right at the start of our conversation, I was asking about your father’s spiritual aspect.
Yeah. There are four different combinations in this journey as a believer. You have two believers, caregiver, care receiver. That journey looks different. You have a believing caregiver and an unbelieving care receiver. That is my situation with my dad. I’m a believer. My dad is a self-professed atheist. And then you have a believing care receiver with an unbelieving caregiver. And potentially, unless my daughter repents and turns from this foolishness, she grew up in the church and she came to us and said she has deconstructed from the faith. If something happened to me, if I, as a believer, have my daughter, who is now an unbeliever, provide care, that journey is going to look different. And what we see in the world are two, what you see if you go into these huge Facebook groups, are frequently two unbelievers navigating this journey. Wow. And all that they have to say is how terrible it is, how awful it is, how stressful it is, how this, how that, etc. So what I’m developing, Joseph, is an entire model of caregiving from a biblical perspective. You stunned me. Okay.
But thank you for letting me share that. I’m going to. That’s your secret that you let out of the box. I know. I always. I love doing this. The Lord has been so kind to me. And it’s taken me. It’s taken me a long time to get here. Like this did not happen overnight. It’s a very thoughtful model.
Developing a New Caregiving Model
That’s the term you’re using. Model. It’s just, so I guess we’ll have to just stay tuned. You will have to stay tuned and come back next month when I do this again.
People who are really benefiting from the community are the people who joined earlier on, before they need it, and that have been active and are participating in the community because then they already know what questions to ask and they have a place to come and they’re not constantly wondering, what do I need to do? How do I need to do it? So people listening are interested in tapping into or learning about the community. I’d invite you to just go to the website, thinkdifferentdementia.com. There’s a link for you to schedule a 20-minute call. There’s no pressure. I’ll serve you regardless of whether you join the community or not. But it is a way for you to take this relationship a little deeper, a little bit more hands-on support, because really the research also shows it’s longitudinal support over time. Absolutely. Yeah, for sure. I would highly recommend Lizette. She’s awesome.
Community Support and Resources
I appreciate that endorsement.
