How to Be a Wife While Dementia Caregiving Your Parent
How do you care for your aging mother without watching your marriage quietly slip away?
Paulette had been asking herself that question for months.
She loved her mother. She loved her husband. But in the swirl of doctor visits, emotional outbursts, and full-time family chaos, she felt stuck. The deeper her caregiving responsibilities grew, the more her marriage felt like an afterthought. She was trying to honor God, but she was tired, unsure, and constantly questioning if she was getting it right.
“I go to his house on the weekends, but my mom wants me here all the time. And I just don’t know how to keep doing this.”
This isn’t just Paulette’s story. It’s a dilemma facing thousands of Christian women: How do I love well in two directions without coming undone in the middle?
She Was a Wife… Until She Wasn’t
Caregivers often take on new roles without noticing how the old ones quietly disappear. For Paulette, being her mother’s primary support meant being the scheduler, the peacekeeper, and the safety net. But somewhere along the way, she stopped being a wife in any meaningful sense.
Her marriage wasn’t broken. It was just running on fumes. Her weekends with her husband were often interrupted by family needs, and her presence felt divided even when they were together.
“If your caregiving is slowly suffocating your marriage, that’s not sustainable. That’s not what God intended.”
The biblical order is clear: a spouse comes before a parent. That doesn’t mean abandoning your mom. It means recognizing when good intentions have started creating unhealthy patterns.
Start With the Chaos You Can Control
Paulette was living in a full house—her adult daughter, grandkids in diapers, a confused elderly mom, and a marriage on the sidelines.
“A three-year-old woman who’s confused all the time and two kids in diapers… it’s been a nightmare.”
But a shift was coming. Her daughter was moving out, and for the first time in years, Paulette could start making space.
“Start with the chaos you can control.”
If that means setting boundaries, making a weekly schedule with your spouse, or asking for help with errands, do it. Every piece of clarity you create lowers the temperature in your home.
Why Planning for “If I Die Tomorrow” Brings Peace Today
One of the hardest but most clarifying questions we asked Paulette was this:
“If you were to die tomorrow, what would happen to your mom?”
It wasn’t a threat. It was an invitation to make a plan. Because if the only caregiving plan depends on you staying healthy forever, it’s not really a plan.
Paulette had never considered Medicaid planning. She hadn’t mapped out alternatives. But once she did, the pressure lifted. She could make wise choices now, knowing she wasn’t the only line of defense.
“God is not a God of confusion but of peace” (1 Corinthians 14:33).
Therapeutic Truth-Telling™ Works Both Ways
Paulette had posted reminders all over the house: “Don’t argue. Don’t correct. Don’t overwhelm.”
She was practicing Therapeutic Truth-Telling™ with her mom. But she needed to offer the same grace to herself.
Instead of internalizing guilt, she began validating her own emotions:
- “I am allowed to feel overwhelmed.”
- “I am still a good daughter even if I can’t fix everything.”
- “I need rest too.”
Therapeutic Truth-Telling™ isn’t just a strategy for our loved ones. It’s a discipleship tool for us. Telling ourselves the truth about our limits is part of walking this journey faithfully.
Begin With the End in Mind
Paulette took some bold steps:
- She reached out to the senior center to find outings for her mom.
- She made a plan for consistent weekends with her husband.
- She started imagining a future with more than just survival.
“If I include her in more activities, maybe she won’t feel so isolated. And maybe I won’t either.”
These aren’t big leaps. They’re small steps toward peace.
That’s the heart of the DigniCare™ Method: clarity, stewardship, and hope. Not perfection.
Your Next Step: Don’t Wait Until You’re in Crisis
Caregiving isn’t something you master. It’s something you steward.
If Paulette’s story sounds familiar, here’s your next step:
Join other Christian caregivers getting practical support, biblical clarity, and a lifeline of community.
Because you weren’t meant to carry this alone.
Transcript
Caregiver’s Dilemma
0:00] You love your mother, you love your husband, but you’re caught in the middle and it feels like no one really understands what it is costing you. You’re the caregiver, the peacemaker, the scheduler, and the daughter, but somewhere along the way, you stopped being a wife. If you’ve ever asked, how do I care for my parent without losing my marriage, this episode is for you. Hey Christian Care Companion, welcome to Dementia Caregiver Support for Christians, the podcast that walks with you through your dementia care journey, bringing peace, purpose, and God-honoring relationships along the journey. Maybe you’re caregiving for a parent who no longer recognizes you, or maybe you’re showing up every day, but your heart feels distant. Wherever you are, there’s space here for real stories, real hope, and faithful care. So if you’re a Christian spouse, an adult child, or a family member walking this road, you are in the right place, and you don’t have to do this alone.
[1:17] If this episode speaks to what you’re going through, if you’re realizing you cannot keep juggling all of this on your own, I want to personally invite you to our next Ask the Dementia Coach live question and answer session. It’s happening Saturday, June the 28th at 3 p.m. Eastern, and it is completely free. You’ll get to ask your questions.
[1:45] Hear from others walking this same road, and get faithful, practical insight in real time. Just head over to thinkdifferentdementia.com forward slash ask to register.
Introducing Paulette’s Journey
[1:59] I would love to see you there. Now, let’s step into this honest conversation with Paulette, a wife, a caregiver, a daughter, navigating one of the hardest balancing acts we might face? How do I care for my mother with dementia without letting my marriage fall apart in the process? Let’s listen into my Dementia Caregiver Support in Action episode with Paulette.
[2:29] Ms. Paulette, good evening. How are you, sweet lady? I’m hanging in there. It’s been a little bit of a rough road lately. Okay. Well, I am so grateful that you’re here. Thank you for being here. I’m going to take you through the same process. Let’s say it is six months from today and your caregiving journey is easier, even just a little bit. What does that look like for you? a consistent schedule that I can rely on to where I have my downtime with my mother. A lot less negativity and outbursts. Been a lot of negativity lately and it’s been hard and it’s in the midst of chaos right now. Okay, I’m just jotting things down. So what would it take to achieve that? Well, I’m working through the chaos right now and it’s just a matter of getting things stable so that my mom can hopefully stabilize with her emotions. But I’m having trouble with my own right now. With your own emotions? I’m so sorry, sweet lady. So you mentioned chaos.
[3:31] Tell me what chaos means. Well, for the last two years, our lives have been consumed with my daughter and her children.
Family Dynamics in Caregiving
[3:39] Okay. They’ve been in and out, but they’re finally leaving this Sunday. My daughter’s moving out, thank God. Okay. And I’m going to miss my grandkids. But them being here with my mom with her dementia has just, it’s been a nightmare. A three-year-old woman who’s confused all the time and two kids in diapers and one with an attitude. Well, it can definitely be challenging. Yeah. So we have a little bit of light at the end of the tunnel. Yes. Dealing with all the other chaos from having lost my job, having no income, and dealing with my mom’s stuff, dealing with health issues. And now my brother had a massive stroke yesterday. Oh, I’m so sorry. So we’re dealing with that. I’m so sorry. My brother’s three years older than me, and I’m sorry. What is your brother’s name? Michael. Michael.
[4:29] Yeah. Well, I will be praying for Michael in the morning when I do my devotions, okay? Thank you. There were good news today. He’s responsive. He’s understanding everything that’s going on. Can’t talk, can’t do anything. But you’re moving him out of ICU today because I don’t think he’s at risk of having any more strokes right now. Well, that is a lot. That is a lot.
Managing Chaos and Emotions
[4:53] It’s just you and your mom or is your husband as well? Yeah, I have a husband who I’ve been married to almost two years. We do not live in the same house because I’m taking care of my mother. So I go to his house on the weekends, which is always a little hard for my mom because she just, she wants me here. Okay. So last weekend was the first time in a while my husband and I actually got away for the weekend and I had my best friend come in and check on my mom two of the days that I was gone. The third day, my daughter and the kids were here. So it was good to get away, but I feel like it’s all been done over the last couple of days because of everything that’s going on. Sure. And I’m just hoping to get more time with my husband because it’s been a real struggle for him to not have me there, you know. I understand. So I would like to ask some more contextual questions, if that’s okay. When your daughter and the grandkids move out, is it possible or has it been a consideration for your husband to move in so that the two of you can be together? I just know that’s not really a consideration.
[6:02] And yeah, I mean, I have the room in my bedroom and all that, but there’s only one bathroom in this house and the bathroom is a huge issue for my mom. So it won’t work. It just needs to be the two of us. Okay. Yeah. And so my husband’s fine with us staying as long as I can consistently be with him every weekend, then we’re okay. But it’s been getting disrupted a lot to where I don’t get to be with them. Okay. So would it be okay if I give you my best recommendations? You may not like some of them. So from a biblical perspective, I always have to step back and look at the big picture, right? Because we’re here from a Christian worldview perspective.
[6:44] You have a lot of moving pieces, right? Your daughter and kids moving out is definitely seems to me to be a good thing, right?
Prioritizing Relationships
[6:54] Yeah. And it is wonderful that you are willing and able to take care of your mom. Having said all of that, if it starts to put strain and pressure on your husband and your relationship as a wife, your primary responsibility is your husband and not your mom. Okay. So I’ve had one of my previous clients, her mom has passed away. When she started working with me, her husband was not on board. And because her husband was not on board, it was causing a lot of additional stress and strain on her because she felt torn between her husband and taking care of her mom. Her mom was living with her and her husband in their home, and we actually sat down and had a conversation with him that was that if he could not be 100% on board with her taking care of her mom at home, we would have to look at consider alternative placement for her mom because her primary responsibility is taking care of is being a spouse. It’s not being a daughter to your mom. Having said all of that.
[8:06] I recognize in reality, there are a lot of moving parts to that. And I understand that. What I’d love for you to consider is what… Options, what are possibilities should it get to a point where your husband really needs to be the priority? So for example, have you looked at Medicaid planning with your mom? If your mom, if you cannot take care of your mom, what is the plan to take care of your mom? Those are all things that we have to start to say out loud and recognize because if your mom is 83, she could conceivably still live another 2,
Planning for the Future
[8:48] 3, 5, 7, 10 years. We don’t know. My granny lived to be almost 95, right? So from a biblical perspective, what I’d love for you to do is as you come through the season with the kids behind you, right, and now looking forward to the next steps.
[9:07] Start to have conversations with your husband about truly the impact of it and what are all of the options for your mom. So that’s one part of it. The other part of it, I would just love to try to give you a couple of strategies or thoughts to think about the, what you said, negativity and outbursts, right? So I’m going to ask another quick question. Is the negativity and outbursts outbursts coming from her? Or is it related to what’s kind of going on around that situation? The best way I could describe it is I feel like I have another child in the house. Okay, I understand. She doesn’t seem to be able to control her emotions. And she was having outbursts even with the grandchildren. And I’m glad that they’re going to be away from that now, though we’re all going to miss each other. It’s been very unhealthy for them to be subjected to that. But again, it’s been unhealthy for her to be having to be in this situation.
[10:05] For sure. So one of the things that happens in our brain as we are going through brain changes like this, you’ve intuitively picked up, and that is that we struggle to control our emotions. And that is a real thing. You know, most of us have two ways that we control our emotions. One is like a light switch on and off. I’m fine and I’m livid and I’m fine, right? Or a dimmer switch, like I’m on a little bit getting angrier, angrier, angrier, and I’m, you know, slow up and slow down. So we have both of those. My hope would be that as the kids and grandkids leave, that the temperature in the house will go down. That’s what I’m hoping. That you may inadvertently have been causing some of these outbursts. But a good strategy that you can try or employ in a situation like this is to validate her emotions. And that’s what I have been doing. And I’ve been, don’t argue or try to correct them, ignore their feelings or overwhelm them. I’ve been, I actually have this posted all over the house, Siri.
[11:15] But I don’t want you to necessarily ignore her emotions. Right. Because think about yourself. It says don’t ignore their Oh, don’t ignore her feelings. Okay, I misunderstood. Thank you for clarifying. Yeah, no, I’ve got this thing that I think came from you about things you never do to a person with dementia. Don’t argue or try to correct them. Don’t ignore their feelings. Don’t overwhelm them with too much information or choices. I’m reading it off of my desktop right now. You have made me a happy woman.
[11:44] Yeah, and I just keep that around to remind me because I realize that when I get into arguments whether it’s never going to go well for either of us. No, it doesn’t. And another good one-liner is, tell me more about, oh, that’s interesting.
Action Steps for Caregiving
[11:59] Tell me more about that. So these are just some tips and techniques and things that we can do. So based on our conversation today, what is one step that you can take that will move you closer to a little bit easier caregiving? Well, again, I mean, we’re just winding down the kids being here and there’s a couple of caregiving activities.
[12:21] Even in June, I have to go out there while my daughter’s going to be in court for two days. I’m taking my mother with me. I’m going to start trying to take her on more outings with me. The last time she went on an outing with me, it was because we evacuated because of the fires. That was not a pleasant situation and it didn’t go well. But as I do things like this, I’m going to try and just include her more. I am reaching out to the senior center in Pasadena once the kids are completely gone. And I’m going to try to start having some activities for me and my mom at the senior center. I think that’s a very good action step. I’m trying to get her involved with being around more people because she seems to be getting so much like a hermit lately. Other than she takes her walks. She does take her walks every day. But I just feel like she needs interaction with more people than just me because she just relies on me so much.
Follow-Up and Support Options
[13:16] And I feel like if she has some friends to talk to.
[13:19] Absolutely. I think those are very, very good action steps. I would love a month or so from now if you are able to come back and give me an update as to when the temperature goes down. And if it hasn’t quite mitigated everything, because you’re right, you’re in the middle of the chaos. You’re in the middle of the storm. The storm seems to be passing. But when we get through that, if there’s still some residual things, please come back and we’ll have another conversation. And I can try to give you some more strategies. And just wanted to let you know.
[13:50] Rest assured, my husband is 100% on board with what I’m doing. My daughter and her kids leaving is a major part of what. Oh, for sure. Yeah. So we’re good. We’re solid. I’m so glad to hear that. My recommendation or my request to you is just keep your finger on that pulse. Yeah. If that changes, we need to do something different. And so we’ve been together for like 13 years. So, you know, we just finally got married. So just keep it in the back of your mind. We’ll take your husband out of the equation for a second. OK. If Paulette were to die tomorrow. Right. What happens to mom? OK, got to make the plan. Yeah, we got to make the plan. So, yes, part of the plan is if things with your husband aren’t stable and he needs to be the priority, what do we do with mom? But just a different way to look at that same problem is, Paulette passes away unexpectedly. And what happens to mom, we don’t have a plan. She can’t go live with him. She can’t go live with your daughter. Your brother’s… My brother and his wife are both disabled and they can’t take care of her. Right.
[14:59] 100%. So right now you’re coping and you’re doing everything that you need to do. But we do need to recognize things happen. Yeah. And so you need an immediate plan and you need a long-term plan. You are the only plan right now. But at 100%, if something happens to you, what happens to your mom? Okay. And start to think through that conversation and what that looks like. All right. Thank you, sweet lady. Thank you for being here.
[15:26] People who are really benefiting from the community are the people who joined earlier on, before they need it, and that have been active and are participating in the community because then they already know what questions to ask and they have a place to come and they’re not constantly wondering, what do I need to do? How do I need to do it? So people listening are interested in tapping into or learning about the community. I’d invite you to just go to the website, thinkdifferentdementia.com. There’s a link for you to schedule a 20-minute call. There’s no pressure. I’ll serve you regardless of whether you join the community or not. But it is a way for you to take this relationship a little deeper, a little bit more hands-on support because really the research also shows its longitudinal support over time. Absolutely. Yeah, for sure. I would highly recommend Lizette She’s awesome I appreciate that endorsement.
