How to Be a Dementia Caregiver When You Don’t Feel Ready (or Qualified)
One Simple Decision
“What if caregiving didn’t start with knowing exactly what to do, but with making one simple decision?”
Beth—a pastor’s wife—made that decision the day her father died in January. Within weeks she moved her 75-year-old mother from Illinois to Washington State, trading an empty nest for shadowing, haggling, and the eerie feeling that her mom “suddenly feels more like your child than your parent”.
But the real pivot came when Beth heard my signature coaching prompt:
“Let’s imagine it’s six months from today and your caregiving journey feels easier. What does easier actually look like for you?”
She answered, “Having found a way to keep her contented in life… maybe a way that I have a little more quiet time and quiet days.”
Naming the goal was Beth’s first act of holy stewardship.
Placing Mom in the Middle Bucket
Before offering strategies, I used the functional-bucket framework I teach in the Contented Caregiver Blueprint™:
- Bucket 1 (Mild): Able to sequence all self-care; mistakes just beginning.
- Bucket 2 (Middle): Can still move about, but “quality of self-care is starting to go away”; needs prompting for hygiene and cannot manage cooking or bills.
- Bucket 3 (Late): Overlap of cognitive and physical loss; hands-on care for dressing, toileting, feeding.
Beth placed her mom squarely in Bucket 2: “She remembers to do—prompting, showers, re-prompting… but as far as cooking, paying bills—yeah.”
That classification guides every next-step inside the Think Different Dementia Method™.
Therapeutic Truth-Telling™ for Shadowing & Haggling
Beth’s biggest stressors were “shadowing” and “constant haggling.” She defined haggling as endless questions—“Where’s my bank card?” “What about my home?”—even after answering minutes earlier.
I explained that shadowing signals anxiety. Like toddlers pressing fingers under a bathroom door, her mom seeks safety through proximity. Correcting or escaping often increases fear; validation calms it.
The Therapeutic Truth-Telling™ script I offered:
- Cheerfully repeat answers without irritation.
- Say, “That’s interesting. Tell me more about it,” when questions spiral.
I shared my own practice with Dad: “Every single morning… we’d have the exact same conversation” and I answered each time “the exact same way,” which cultivated security.
Beth confessed it “feels so wrong when it’s your mother” not to correct her. I reframed: Mom’s thinking is child-like, not childish. Meeting her where she is honors the Fifth Commandment.
Letting Comments “Roll Like a Duck over Your Back”
I warned Beth that the hardest skill is emotional detachment:
“You’ve got to let it roll like a duck over your back.”
Her husband already models this with earbuds; Beth now practices it through silent prayer, slow breathing, and the “tell me more” script.
From Bedroom Refuge to Household Peace
Beth lamented: “I feel like I’ve moved into my bedroom and she’s moved into the house.” Retreat is a natural response, but it increases Mom’s insecurity. Our strategy:
- Stay visible. Work on a laptop where Mom can see you; use headphones for mental rest.
- Plan micro-respites. Ten-minute porch breaks while Mom folds towels (purposeful activity calms Bucket 2 brains).
- Inform the church. As a pastor’s wife, Beth can proactively educate her congregation: Mom is not lying; her brain is filling memory gaps (confabulation).
The Sanctifying Perspective
I reminded Beth that caregiving is woven into providence, not random chaos:
“Your loved one’s memory might be fading, but God’s purposes for your care is steady.”
Every repetitive question, every shadowed doorway, becomes part of her sanctification and her mother’s.
Beth’s First Intentional Step
By session’s end, Beth chose one concrete action:
“Learning to just let whatever she says come out and be what it is.”
That decision embodies purposeful caregiving—aligning response with reality while preserving dignity.
Invitation to Fellow Hesitant Caregivers
If you, like Beth, wonder, “Am I even caregiver material?” remember: readiness isn’t a feeling; it’s a decision. Say yes on purpose. Then join our free workshop on July 12—Three Ways to Ease Your Stress and Overwhelm as a Christian Caregiver. Register at thinkdifferentdementia.com/WSL.
We will practice Therapeutic Truth-Telling™, place your loved one in the correct bucket, and draft your first micro-respite plan—all anchored in Scripture.
Closing Blessing
Beth is still a pastor’s wife. Her home still feels crowded. Yet she now sees shadowing as a plea for safety rather than a personal attack. She answers the same bank-card question with gentle assurance. And she no longer doubts her calling, because calling begins with one deliberate “yes.”
May the Lord bless you and keep you as you decide—on purpose—to steward this season through the frameworks God has given:
- Think Different Dementia Method™ for clarity
- Therapeutic Truth-Telling™ for communication
- Contented Caregiver Blueprint™ for ongoing peace
“Let’s imagine it’s six months from today and your caregiving journey feels easier. What does easier actually look like for you?” Ask it now, and step forward in faith.
Next Step: Get the Clarity You Crave
Join our free workshop:
How to Immediately Reduce Dementia Caregiver Overwhelm and Stress In 3 Easy Steps
You’ll walk away with biblically grounded decision-making tools and practical strategies to restore peace in your caregiving.
Because dementia might be confusing. But your next step doesn’t have to be.
Transcript
The Journey Begins
[0:00] What if caregiving didn’t start with knowing exactly what to do, [0:06] but with making one simple decision? Beth is a pastor’s wife who recently brought her mom home after her father passed away, and like many of us, she’s been thrown into a role she never imagined. Navigating, shadowing, haggling, and the deep emotional disorientation that comes when your mother suddenly feels more like your child than your parent. In today’s conversation, we walk through what it looks like to actually decide.
[0:43] Not just practically, but spiritually, to say yes to caregiving on purpose, even when you’re still grieving, even when you’re not sure you’re the right person, even when your house no longer feels like your home. Hey, Christian Care Companion, welcome to Dementia Caregiver Support for Christians, the podcast that guides you through dementia care with peace, clarity, and honoring God, because being made in the image of God means your value and your loved one’s does not fade with memory loss. And caregiving, it’s not random. It is a part of God’s design. You do not need to white-knuckle your way through the season. Your loved one’s memory might be fading, but God’s purposes for your care is steady.
[1:40] Together, we are learning how to care faithfully, even when it’s hard. So if you’re a Christian daughter, a spouse, or a sandwich caregiver wondering if you’re cut out for this, this is where peace and clarity start. And you do not need to do it alone.
Workshop Invitation
[2:01] Now, before we dive in, if you’re still in that place of hesitation or heartbreak, I want to invite you to our free monthly workshop happening on July the 12th, Three Ways to Ease Your Stress and Overwhelm as a Christian Caregiver. You’ll walk away with clear, practical, step-by-step decision-making strategies and feel encouragement that actually aligns with your faith. You can register at thinkdifferentdementia.com forward slash WSL. And I love for you to come to these interactive workshops. They are so much fun. Now, let’s get into today’s episode with Beth and what
Decision-Making Strategies
[2:44] it really means to decide on purpose and say yes to caregiving, even when it’s hard. Episode 264, How to Be a Dementia Caregiver When You Do Not Feel Ready or Qualified.
[3:04] Ms. Beth, we go through these questions with everybody. I go kind of through the same format with everybody. So before we dive into your question, I want us to begin with a simple reflection. This helps us to stay focused and make the most of our time together. Let’s imagine it’s six months from today and your caregiving journey feels easier. What does easier actually look like for you? I would say having found a way to keep her contented in life. I think that would be it. It may be a way that I have a little more quiet time and quiet days.
[3:45] Okay, that is a good thing to look at. So to sum it up in one sentence, right? Having a way to keep her, and I’m going to ask some context questions here in a second, more contented so that you can have a little bit more of a peaceful either day or interaction or all of the above. Now, what is the biggest thing that you think might be getting in the way of that? I’m not sure.
Addressing Caregiving Challenges
[4:15] Okay. May I help give you a couple of prompts? Yeah, maybe. Would you say it’s responding to what’s known in the world as behaviors or is it that you’re struggling to communicate or might it be because she’s anxious or needing more stimulation or activities? Could it be one of those things? I think probably the last two, she does a lot of shadowing and like constant haggling.
[4:44] I’m sorry I’m laughing, but that was a good description. I looked it up in the dictionary to make sure it was a word. I’m like, yes, that fits. It is a word. Okay, so you identified shadowing and shadowing. Constant haggling. So I’m going to rephrase what I understand by constant haggling just so we can be on the same page. When I hear that, I would imagine repetitive questions asking the whole time, what do we need? Where are we going? What are we doing now? What about this? All of those kind of interactions. Was that an accurate description? Yes. What about my home? What about my bank card? What about, which I understand the fear behind every one of those, but at the same time, I’ve already answered those. I know it’s an all new adjustment, what’s happened to her, but it’s just constant when I get home, I’m going to do. And then if I even say anything to my husband that she thinks, which I’m the daughter, I said wrong. Oh my, that’s adopting him that way. Okay. I didn’t say anything.
[5:53] Okay. So, now I’m going to ask you some context questions. I’m pretty sure I know where we’re going, but it sounds like to me, based on what you’ve just said, your mother has recently moved in with you and your husband, and you are providing her care. Okay. Now, a couple of more contextual questions that’ll help me. Do you have an actual diagnosis of dementia? She has an appointment. My dad passed away in January, and it became obvious immediately. Her sister said she cannot stay here. What’s going on in the home? We’ve worked through that, but she’s not safe on her own. So I’ve had to bring her into Washington State, the Washington State Medical Care. So in June, I do have an appointment with a primary care physician who I trust. They’ve already done some of the initial testing in Illinois, and she didn’t know the year. She doesn’t know, you know, she doesn’t know the present. She doesn’t know anything in that. While she’s very communicative, she doesn’t know those things. So we are working on that. It’s probably going to take us a little bit to get that diagnosis. Okay. Until then, yes, I kind of am self-diagnosing with what I have. So may I ask a couple more clarification questions because what I’m doing is taking us from here. Right.
[7:14] Okay. About how old is your mom? She’s 75. 75. So pretty young still. Yes. Yeah. Okay. So she’s 75, recently lost her husband, moved from one state to another. Obviously, other people have identified that something is wrong.
[7:30] Indicating that she can’t live alone and you moved her. The way I explain it to people is there are typically three buckets that people fall into related to dementia and the functional side of dementia. And I’m going to give the three buckets to you and then I want you to tell me which one she lands in. Okay, this is not a diagnosis, but it’ll help us. It’ll help narrow it down so I can actually help you with this. The first bucket is the person. if I were to meet them on the street without anybody helping them, if I were to meet them on the street, I would not necessarily know or tell that something is wrong. I might because I’m pretty good at this, but a normal person may not. The person is still able to sequence themselves through all of their self-care. They can probably maybe still even cook some simple meals or maybe even pay a bill here or there, but things are starting to fall apart. Things are starting to become evident. We’re making mistakes, but the quality of the self-care still looks pretty good. That’s bucket number one. That would be the mild dementia or mild cognitive impairment range. The middle bucket is the person is now starting to, if left alone.
[8:50] Not be able to actually sequence themselves through their self-care anymore. They’re starting to make mistakes. They’re starting to skip steps. The quality of their self-care is going away. When, if left alone, you met them in the street, people would tell we’re not taking care of ourselves quite as well as we used to. Our clothing may be dirty or not matching up, but we’re mostly still able to do the basic self-care things. We’re not able to do real well with cooking and those kinds of things, but quality is starting to fall apart. Physically, we’re able to do things, but we’re needing the cueing and the guiding and the prompting. And then the third bucket is where the person has gotten to the point where both the physical and the thinking overlap.
[9:42] Start to come together and we’re starting to need help with getting dressed and going to the bathroom and cleaning ourselves and all of those kinds of things. So the physical component of caregiving starts to come into the equation. Which one of those three would you say your mom is in? The middle. Okay. Very different. Okay. So part of her caregiving on taking care of herself, She remembers to do prompting showers and re-prompting and prompting again. But as far as cooking, paying bills, yeah. Okay. So she’s in the middle bucket, so her quality is starting to go away. Right. Okay. So now would you like some guidance as how to handle some of these, like what you mentioned, being the haggling, what I would call shadowing and repetitive questioning? Yeah. Okay. So do you still work outside the house? I am a pastor’s wife as well. Okay. Well, so I have a lot. You work outside the house. Yes, ma’am. You do. You’re a busy lady. Absolutely. And I just work.
Techniques for Caregiver Stress
[10:49] I understand. I do. I really do. Well, thank you for being here and thank you for serving. The hardest skill in this journey to learn, these are skills that we can learn, is when I work with people in my group, I always tell them, you’ve got to let it roll like a duck over your back. Every single, and it is very hard, but we can train ourself. I made the mistake with my mom early on when my mom, when I started identifying she was having difficulty, I constantly corrected her, constantly. And then I recognized that that was causing anxiety. I was actually causing her anxiety. And when I switched with my dad, when he was very, very sick, he literally for a period of time had no short-term memory. Every single morning I’d come out of the, they stayed with us for about two months because they couldn’t take care of themselves. And every morning I’d come out of the room and I’d go to the kitchen, get a cup of coffee.
[11:49] And three to four times when I’d walk by, he would, every single time we’d have the exact same conversation, the exact same conversation. And I just trained myself. You know, he’s like, hey, Lizette, how’d you sleep? I’m like, I slept great, Dad. How’d you sleep? And he’d answer. I’d go get my cup of coffee. I’d go back out. Next time I come in, he had no recollection we’d had that conversation. I just responded the exact same way every single time. And what that does, what that cultivates for that person is security. So one of the things that happens frequently when somebody is shadowing a person, so you mentioned she’s constantly in your space. I know it’s challenging. I get it. But I want you to imagine, picture, I see a little person in the background in the car behind you, right? Remember when the little people were little and we needed to go potty and the fingers would come up underneath the toilet door and say, Mommy, Mommy, where are you? It’s because you were their security blanket.
[12:51] Right? Your mom intuitively knows that she is safe when she can see you. She intuitively knows you’re going to take care of her. She is feeling insecure and anxious. And so when she knows where you are, it brings her insecurity down, right? And so when we have these repetitive questions, these conversations where we have these, where’s my bank card? And you’ve told her 17 times in 10 minutes where her bank card is. But if you cheerfully, cheerfully just do it over and over and over again, I guarantee you over time, it’ll go away. It’ll actually, she’ll stop doing it because she’ll feel safe and she’ll understand. Not understand here necessarily, but understand like emotionally that she is safe. Frequently, my experience is when people are shadowing, The normal human response that we have is to withdraw because we need space. Unfortunately, what that frequently cultivates is more coming and then more withdrawing.
[13:55] So a strategy to do that would be, I had a client years ago, her dad would get up and walk to find her. She would sit in another room because she needed some space. But every time, because he couldn’t see her, he would get up and go look for her. So I taught her to actually sit where he could see her, put earphones on her. She was just watching something on the computer. She was just on her computer listening to the news or whatever. But because he couldn’t see her, he was constantly going to look for her. But our normal response is to try to get some space. So those are a couple of strategies that I’d love for you to consider. So based on what we’ve talked about, what is one small step that you can take today to maybe make this a little bit easier for you? I mean, I’ve tried, I’ve listened to a lot of your podcasts and I’m trying to
Overcoming Feelings of Overwhelm
[14:46] do that. it’s part of recognizing, I guess, am I even caregiver material? Honestly, I just feel overwhelmed. Like I can’t deal with it. And I end up, yeah, I do. I end up going into my bedroom and shutting the door and I feel like I’ve moved into my bedroom and she’s moved into the house.
[15:03] But I don’t know. My husband puts in the earbuds. He walks around and he just kind of, you know but she wants a response from me sometimes the response can be non-committal to you know not like not on a direct question like where’s my bank card right you it wouldn’t make any sense for you to have a non-committal answer to that but sometimes sometimes if the person’s just talking you can say things like that’s interesting tell me more and kind of switch your brain off. Right, but switch your brain off, right? Yeah. Let her talk, and when she stops, you just keep saying, well, that’s interesting, mom. Keep going. I’d like to hear more. Where in that, if, okay, I’ve had a couple instances where I didn’t correct her. I just thought, okay, they said don’t correct.
[15:59] So I didn’t correct her thinking on something she was telling me then later she would say somebody told me and would refer to the conversation that i hadn’t directed that item on and now she’s telling herself stories about this story that she told the story about and that would be where do i confabulation yeah really bad really bad that’s okay a person who doesn’t remember is not going to remember and they will make up a truth and the truth may not be the truth truth, right?
[16:35] And so when not correcting her was the right thing to do and not, trying to bring her back to that reality is just let it play out, you know? And even if she’s telling other people this story, other than if it is like something that is like going to put you in prison, right? Right. Like stealing money or, you know, beating you to a pulp, that kind of thing.
[17:06] There are ways of communicating, like you’re a pastor’s wife, right? Your church needs to know and understand what you guys are dealing with and that some of what’s going to come out of her mouth, and she’s not lying on purpose, right? She’s not lying on purpose. She is just not able to keep all of these pieces together anymore. And so it’s hard to let a person kind of go down the rabbit trail, but trying to correct them and bring them back only causes conflict. Was that helpful, Miss Beth? It is. It feels so wrong when it’s your mother to just say, oh, okay, yeah, that’s interesting. You know, because that’s not how we react to our mother.
[17:53] Yes, mother, or, you know what I mean? And I’m struggling through that. So maybe just in answer to your question, learning to just let whatever she says come out and be what it is. So let’s reframe that, if I may. Okay. When you had little people.
[18:13] In your house, and they had flights of fancy, and they were playing a game where they made up stuff because that was where they were. We didn’t correct them.
[18:26] Right. We validated what they were doing. And that’s the same technique that we use now with your mom. And the reframe I have for you is you are honoring your mom still in this journey. I don’t want you to treat her like a child because she is not a child, but her thinking is childlike, right? So she’s not childish. She is childlike. And so it is hard to see your mom. I know from experience. My mom was a brilliant person. She passed away in February. I’m sorry about your dad passing away in January. She was brilliantly smart her whole entire life, even all the way through, and she lived with vascular dementia. It was not what caused her to pass away. However, for many, many years, she was very much like a child in a lot of her interactions, but I was still able to honor her as my mom by treating her with respect and loving her where she was and not like we never ridiculed her childlike behavior because she couldn’t necessarily modulate that.
[19:44] She couldn’t change that. So yes, I recognize it is hard because it is your mom and you want to honor her as your mom. The way you honor her as your mom is she is a woman with dignity created in the image of God going through this process where her brain is actually having physical changes and the way we help her through those physical changes is by validating and meeting her where she is emotionally.
Honoring Your Parent’s Dignity
[20:18] But we wouldn’t expect her to be able to plan ahead and arrange to go to college at that age, right? So we meet her where she is. And that’s what I’m suggesting that you do with your mom. Was that a helpful reframe, Beth? I think so. Just take it and pray. Say, Lord, I’m going to do this because it’s absolutely exhausting. There’s just no longer my husband and I time. She’s there all the time. That is a whole separate conversation that I’d love to have with you.
Continuing the Conversation
[20:57] I’m going to call back and we’ll have it next time. Absolutely. If you would like to have a further conversation, just email me and we can set up a time. Okay.
[21:08] People who are really benefiting from the community are the people who joined earlier on, before they need it, and that have been active and are participating in the community because then they already know what questions to ask and they have a place to come and they’re not constantly wondering, what do I need to do? How do I need to do it? So people listening are interested in tapping into or learning about the community. I’d invite you to just go to the website, thinkdifferentdementia.com. There’s a link for you to schedule a 20-minute call there’s no pressure i’ll serve you regardless of whether you join the community or not but it is a way for you to take this relationship a little deeper a little bit more hands-on support because really the research also shows it’s longitudinal support over time absolutely yeah for sure i would highly recommend lizette she’s awesome i see i appreciate that endorsement.
