Sibling Conflict in Dementia Care: Strategies for Harmony
When a parent starts showing signs of dementia, many families assume that someone else will step up to take care of them.
But what happens when no one does?
We walk through a real-life coaching session with Jodi, a long-distance caregiver facing the reality of her mother’s cognitive decline. Her biggest challenge?
Figuring out who will take on the responsibility—and how to have that tough conversation.
The Danger of Assuming Someone Else Will Step Up
Jodi assumed that, since her sister lived in the same city as their mother, she would naturally become the primary caregiver. But the truth is, without a conversation, nothing is guaranteed.
💡 Common Caregiving Assumptions That Lead to Conflict:
❌ “The sibling who lives closest will handle everything.”
❌ “Mom helped her before, so now it’s her turn to give back.”
❌ “We’ll figure it out when the time comes.”
The reality? Waiting too long to plan leads to family conflict, stress, and caregiver burnout.
How to Have the Hard Conversation
Instead of making assumptions, families need open, honest conversations about caregiving roles. Here’s how to start:
📞 1. Address Changes You’ve Noticed
Instead of saying, “Mom is getting worse,” be specific:
✔️ “Mom repeats the same stories multiple times in one conversation.”
✔️ “She forgets things I told her just yesterday.”
🤝 2. Acknowledge That It Affects Everyone
Caregiving is not just one person’s burden. Ask:
✔️ “If Mom needs 24/7 care, what does that look like for us as a family?”
✔️ “What role can each of us play in helping her stay safe?”
🏡 3. Discuss Future Living Arrangements
✔️ Will Mom stay in her home? Move in with family? Transition to assisted living?
✔️ What financial or Medicaid options are available?
✔️ What happens if her needs become too much for one person to handle?
How Long-Distance Caregivers Can Still Help
If you live far away, you may feel helpless—but there are still ways to lighten the load for the local caregiver.
📅 Plan Visits in Advance – Scheduling trips gives the primary caregiver a much-needed break.
📞 Be a Listening Ear – Even if you can’t be there in person, emotional support is invaluable.
📝 Handle Logistics – Offer to help with paperwork, bills, or researching care options.
Supporting your sibling doesn’t always mean hands-on care—it means being part of the team.
Don’t Wait—Start the Conversation Now
Caregiving shouldn’t fall on one person by default. Waiting too long to discuss roles and responsibilities can lead to stress, conflict, and burnout. The best way to support your loved one—and each other—is to plan ahead, communicate openly, and work as a team.
Even if you live far away, you can still help. Every contribution matters.
Start the conversation today.
Dementia Caregiver Quote:
“I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” — Philippians 4:13
Read More:
How To Not Feel Stuck While Waiting On A Dementia Diagnosis
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Transcript
Introduction to Caregiving for Dementia
[0:00] Who will step up when your parent with dementia needs care? In today’s episode of Dementia Caregiver Support, we unpack why planning ahead and not making assumptions can prevent future caregiver burnout and family conflict. When a parent starts to show signs of cognitive decline, most families wait too long to start planning. In this episode with Jodi, who is the long-distance caregiver of her mother, who lives in New York, we explore the hidden dangers of assuming someone else will step up and help, and why having proactive conversations with your siblings is essential. You’ll hear faith-based guidance on navigating family roles, the importance of early diagnosis, and practical steps to start planning for long-term care long before the crisis forces your hand. If you have a parent with memory loss and are not sure about what to do next, this episode will help you take the first step with confidence and clarity. Hey Christian Care Companion, welcome to Dementia Caregiver Support for Christians, the podcast where I teach Bible-believing Christians how to think differently about dementia caregiving.
[1:28] If you are a Christian spouse, the adult child, or a family member of a person living with dementia, and you want more clarity.
[1:38] Less stress, and you want to provide better care, this podcast is for you. Here we will provide you with practical solutions, hope and encouragement, and all through a biblical lens. Today, you will be getting another glimpse into an Ask the Dementia Coach monthly question and answer session. The registration for our March 27th session is now open. We keep these very small and intimate so each participant can get what they
Addressing Family Conflict Early
[2:13] need during these live dementia caregiver support sessions. Family conflict is one of the biggest stressors in dementia caregiving, and caregivers like Jodi are ahead of the curve by addressing this issue early on. Are you going to register today and join us and get ahead of the curve like Jodi? If so, go to the website thinkdifferentdementia.com to register, look in our free resources or click the link in the show notes below so that you can register for this free opportunity. Now let’s go ahead and listen as I help Jodi unpack how to avoid family conflict and decrease drama in her dementia caregiving journey.
[3:03] Miss Jodi. Hi. I wanted to find out which state are you in? I live in South Carolina. Okay. I’m in Florida, like I have mentioned, but my mother’s in New York. Okay. And I think she does have the mild cognitive stuff going on. And my sister is the one that lives in New York. I guess when she does need a caretaker, my sister will be the one that will be the caretaker because she’s closer. You are making an assumption.
[3:29] I’m hoping. I’m hoping. Well, I understand you’re hoping that, but unless you guys actually have that conversation, you cannot make that assumption. Because the only reason is because my mother has helped her out with her children. Right. It doesn’t matter. That’s still, it’s an assumption.
[3:46] And when my mother’s benefits all being in New York. Right.
Opening Conversations with Siblings
[3:50] It’s like, even if I want it. It doesn’t mean that your sister’s going to step up and do it. All that it means is that all of those are questions you need to have answered. So what I would recommend you do, Miss Jodi, is maybe open up a conversation with your sister. And here’s the conversation that I’d love for you to consider starting with. And that is sometimes one of the kids has a better handle on the fact that something’s going on than the other one. So sometimes it’s the one that lives right there and sees everything. And sometimes it’s the one that doesn’t live there that hears the changes over the phone, okay? So you have to have an open conversation with your sister that goes something like this. Hey, sis, I’ve noticed mom is having problems with… This, this, this, this. Have examples. Don’t just say mom’s having trouble, but have very specific examples. Mom’s having trouble. Every single time I call her, she is repeating the same story 20 times in the same conversation. Every single time I tell mom a story about something, when I talk to her the next time she doesn’t remember, I told whatever the situation is, right? Specific examples. Have you seen these changes? What are you noticing? Because I call them the ostrich.
[5:08] Sometimes caregivers, care companions are ostriches. They stick their head in the sand and they hope it goes away. They go, la, la, la, I’m not hearing it. I’m not seeing it because if I have to, if I hear it or see it, then all of a sudden I have to do something about it, right? So as long as I ignore it, it’s not my problem, not my circus, not my monkeys. I don’t have to deal with it. So your sister might be an ostrich. She’s busy with her kids, with her family. She’s got her head stuck in the sand, just saying, I don’t want to deal with this because somewhere in my body, I know this is coming. And as long as I don’t say nothing, it’s going to go away, right? So your first step, Jodi, is to have a frank conversation with your sister that you have noticed changes. The second thing is, if your mom hasn’t been diagnosed, is trying to get her in. and getting some form of a diagnosis.
[6:05] Dementia has a cognitive loss, not even just dementia, has a significant stigma. People do not want to talk about it. And I understand that. But time is brain. The longer we wait, the less time we have to prepare, the less time we have to prevent things from getting worse. There’s so many things that we are losing the ability to educate ourselves, to educate your sister, yourself, the community around her. And in that process, I believe we do a lot of harm to the person because we’re not in tune to it. So we say things, and I know this to be true because I did it. When my mom started having early changes, I didn’t pick up on them. And I said things like, but mom, you’ve told me that. You know, All of these things that we say, but mom, you’re losing it. You know, whatever the words are that we use and the person becomes anxious.
[7:03] So when my dad started to have changes, I noticed it sooner and I didn’t make, I made other mistakes, but I didn’t make that mistake. So every single time my dad tells me the exact same story, I make like it, it’s the exact first time and respond cheerfully and just tell him without getting
The Importance of Diagnosis
[7:23] annoyed. And it’s a skill. And so we, not you, like we, the people around us, a person with cognitive changes cause a lot, I believe, of the things that we see later on because we don’t acknowledge it earlier on and we don’t treat it. And I’m not talking about medical treatment, but we’re not doing the strategies or techniques to maintain that relationship because if we break that relationship with the person where they’re getting angry at us or they’re frustrated or annoyed or fighting us the whole, we’re fighting the whole time, that’s what they remember later on. So we have to maintain that relationship.
[8:02] So conversation with your sister, try to find and seek a diagnosis and have an open and honest conversation with your sister that if your mom has dementia, which we don’t know that she does, but if she has dementia and if she lives long enough, like Jamila that was just on the call, whose mom is 96 years old, If she lives long enough, she will require 24-hour supervision. And if that happens for your family, what does that look like? What are your options?
[8:38] And I’m just making up stuff. I’m not saying that this is what you should do. I’m just literally making up options. Does she move to Florida to be with you? Does she move in with your sister? I’m just telling you what the options are.
[8:51] Do we plan for already now an assisted living?
Planning for Long-Term Care
[8:55] Do we pay for 24-hour paid caregivers? What is the plan? And start to build out that plan. How old is your mom? 82. 82. So she’s also likely already lost that window for Medicaid planning. Or she does have Medicaid. So she does have Medicaid. Good. So Medicaid then becomes an option to tap into for your mom. So what that could look like is, you know, if she doesn’t live with your sister, can she go to a Medicaid assisted living facility?
[9:25] Or, you know, those opens up other resources for you. But the first step is just a conversation with your sister. Yeah, I mean, my sister’s aware of it. And she’s taking her to some doctor’s appointment. My mother doesn’t have a diagnosis yet. Right. But for me, it’s hard because I’m in Florida and I really can’t help much because I understand I can’t take her to their appointment and I can’t. But you can help. And let me tell you how you help. And this is going to sound so stupid, Jodi, but I promise you, you have no idea what value this has for your sister. My sister lives in New Hampshire and I live in South Carolina. I live 10 minutes from my mom and dad. I’m boots on the ground, right? And when I call my sister, who’s younger than me, so I can bully her, right? When I call my sister and say, this is what we’re doing, my sister’s exact response every single time is, you know better than me. You’re the one that’s there. You see what’s going on. I will support you. That is such a valuable gift that you will give your sister because even if you don’t agree, even if you totally don’t think it’s the right move, right? If you do that for your sister, you will take that burden off of her because she is boots on the ground. She is the one dealing with it on a daily basis. She’s the one that’s seeing what’s happening, right?
[10:50] I’m not talking about the conversation about what our options are, right? That’s a conversation for all of you. But if your sister says, it’s time that mom moves, then the way you support her is, you’re the one there, you know what’s happening, what do you need me to do to make it easier for mom to move? I support you. You will take so much burden off of her because one of the biggest things that people tell me all the time, and if you go look at the podcast downloads.
[11:20] The family conflict, family drama, that is one of the hardest things for the family caregiver who is the one to move. who’s the person providing the care. So if you can be that sister that is supportive, even though you’re not there, by telling her, that’s a great idea, thank you for doing that, I support you with that, and then coordinating with her every now and then, and planning ahead and saying, hey, I have some paid time off I can take, right? I’m going to come up there, I’m going to hang with mom for five days,
Supporting Your Caregiving Sibling
[11:52] you go take a break, coordinate that with your sister. Those are ways you can support her, And those are invaluable for her. She’s hoping I go down there soon. I like when the winter’s over. I can’t deal with snowing. Oh, no.
[12:04] Look, but what you could do, so a strategy you could employ is you already decide when you’re coming and tell her the dates. Because then she knows there’s a break. Yeah. Okay. So what’s one thing that you’ll take from today? Just start planning ahead, which that’s why I started to look and research. And that’s how I came across you, too, because that’s what we’re trying to do is to plan ahead. Because we know, I know dementia doesn’t get better. It usually gets worse. So what are we going to do with her? She lives alone in an apartment in New York City.
Launching a Founding Family Group
[12:36] She’s not going to be safe for much longer. So we definitely need to plan. So I’ll give you a sneak preview, Jodi. I’m actually getting ready in March to launch a founding group of families to plan through this. I think it’s a ridiculous price. It’s like going to be eight weeks of actual planning this out, conversations like this on Zoom. And because it’s the first one and because I want to get feedback, it’s going to be $97.
[13:05] Oh, that is good. So if you’re interested, you know, I can put you on the list and let you know. I can maybe I can even send you. I’ve got the dates already set up. I’ve got everything ready. I’m just launching it in in March. Yeah, definitely. You can put me on. Okay, sounds good. Awesome. Thank you so much. Welcome so much. It was lovely meeting you. You too. I like the Christian aspect of it too, of your program. Thank you. That means a lot to me. Oh, yeah. I’m Christian myself. How did you find me? I’m kind of curious. You must have my email somehow because I just happened to get an email from you. Well, I can’t have your email unless you signed up for something. Maybe I did. I don’t know.
[13:44] I have worked in memory care facilities. I am a nurse. So I’ve seen dementia firsthand and dealt with it firsthand. So I’m always doing research about dementia to help patients. But when it hits home, it’s hard. I know for sure. So awesome. All right. Well, thank you so much.
Community and Support Resources
[14:02] You’re welcome so much. Bye. People who are really benefiting from the community are the people who joined earlier on before they need it and that have been active and are participating in the community because then they already know what questions to ask and they have a place to come. And they’re not constantly wondering, what do I need to do? How do I need to do it? So people listening are interested in tapping into or learning about the community. I’d invite you to just go to the website, thinkdifferentdementia.com. There’s a link for you to schedule a 20-minute call. There’s no pressure. I’ll serve you regardless of whether you join the community or not. But it is a way for you to take this relationship a little deeper, a little bit more hands-on support because really the research also shows it’s longitudinal support over time. Absolutely. Yeah, for sure. I would highly recommend Lizette. She’s awesome.
[14:57] I appreciate that endorsement. You are welcome. Thank you, everybody, for listening today. And as I try to remember, I try to remember, I don’t always remember, may the Lord bless you and keep you. And come back and listen some more. I’m hoping to do more of these coaching-style episodes on a Friday. So come back in and check us out. And thank you for being here today.
