Navigating Family Disagreements in Dementia Caregiving
When Family Isn’t On The Same Page In Dementia Caregiving: A Unique Perspective You Need to Know
Caring for a loved one with dementia is already challenging, but what happens when family members don’t agree on the best approach? Disagreements over care responsibilities, living arrangements, and medical decisions can cause stress and frustration.
In this episode, we explore how to navigate family conflicts, communicate effectively, and find peace in difficult caregiving decisions.
Why Family Disagreements Happen
Caregiving is deeply personal, and every family member has their own perspective on what’s best. Some common sources of conflict include:
- Different levels of involvement – One sibling may be the primary caregiver, while others contribute less but still have strong opinions.
- Denial or resistance – Some family members may not recognize the progression of dementia and resist necessary changes.
- Guilt and expectations – Unspoken family dynamics can lead to tension, making it hard to agree on a caregiving plan.
If you feel like you’re carrying the weight of caregiving alone, this episode reminds you that you don’t have to navigate this journey in frustration or guilt.
Understanding the Caregiver Readiness Scale
A key concept from this episode is Caregiver Readiness to Change, which helps explain why family members may not be on the same page. This model has several stages:
- Pre-Contemplation: The person doesn’t recognize there’s a problem (e.g., “Mom’s just getting older”).
- Contemplation: They acknowledge changes but aren’t ready to take action (e.g., “Maybe we need help, but I’m not sure yet”).
- Participation: They start seeking information and testing small solutions.
- Active Change: They take direct steps to adjust the caregiving approach.
- Maintenance: They’ve established routines and strategies, adjusting as needed.
Many family conflicts arise when one person is further along this readiness scale than others. If you’re making active changes while a sibling is still in denial, tension is inevitable. Recognizing this can help you approach conversations with patience and grace.
Practical Steps to Reduce Conflict
- Acknowledge Different Perspectives
Instead of getting frustrated, recognize that each family member processes change differently. - Communicate Clearly and Without Emotion
Stick to facts and use “I” statements: “I’ve noticed Dad wandering at night, and I’m concerned about his safety.” - Seek Outside Support
Bringing in a neutral third party—such as a doctor, care manager, or faith leader—can help reluctant family members understand the reality of dementia. - Consider Professional Guidance
A Senior Care Advisor can help families explore options like assisted living or home care, making the transition smoother.
Faith, Boundaries, and Caregiving
As Christian caregivers, it’s important to remember that while we are called to serve our loved ones, we also need to set healthy boundaries. Balancing caregiving with personal responsibilities—whether it’s marriage, parenting, or work—is crucial for long-term sustainability.
The episode highlights that leaning on faith and trusting God’s timing can bring clarity in moments of doubt.
Seeking His wisdom in caregiving decisions can provide peace, even when family conflicts arise.
Read more:
Know When Isolation In A Person With Dementia Is Detrimental
Why It Is Important to Tell People Someone Has Dementia
Ever Wonder How To Know What Is Causing Your Caregiver Stress?
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[0:00] What happens when family members disagree about the best way to care for a loved one with dementia? It’s one of the biggest stressors caregivers face, feeling stuck between differing opinions, unspoken tensions, and the weight of making the right decision. But what if there was a way to navigate these challenges with clarity and confidence? In today’s episode, I help a caregiver shift her perspective, find practical solutions, and step into her role with peace, even when family isn’t on the same page. If you’re feeling pulled in different directions, this episode will give you the right mindset and strategies to move forward without guilt or frustration. Hey, Christian Care Companion, welcome to Dementia Caregivers Support for Christians, The podcast, Leading the Caregiver Reformation, where we reject the world’s chaos and confusion about caregiving and embrace clarity.
[1:04] Confidence, and peace through faith. If you’re a Christian spouse, an adult child, or family caregiver, you’re not alone. Dementia caregiving doesn’t need to be overwhelming. With the right strategies, it’s simple, structured, and clear. Join me twice a week for evidence-based dementia care solutions viewed through a biblical lens so you can care with ease, trust God’s plan, and walk in peace today and tomorrow. And if you haven’t joined us yet for one of my free monthly workshops, the next one is coming up soon. It is February the 8th, 2025 at 12 p.m. Eastern, and the link is in the show notes and is also found on my website,
Navigating Family Dynamics
[1:55] thinkdifferentdementia.com forward slash WSL. And now to our next Dementia Caregiver Support in Action episode.
[2:08] Well, hello, Ms. Denise. Welcome. I am excited that you’re here. So the same question. Let’s say we’re having a conversation about six months from today and everything is now going well with your caregiving. Paint a picture what that might look like for you. In my perfect world in six months, it’s not really, I’ve really been adaptive to the situation. It’s more of the help that I have that’s not adapted, if that makes sense. A little backstory. My mom had dementia for about seven or eight years and my dad was recently diagnosed, but I think he’s had it just as long, but he’s been better at hiding it. I was blessed that I’m able to work from home. So I work from their house. So I live about 20 minutes away from my parents. So I get up every morning and drive to their house Monday through Friday.
[3:02] And I will stay there during the day. And then I would leave and they will be fine at night. Because even when I’m there, I tell people, before her dementia has progressed in the years that I’ve been there. Before, everyone at work would be jealous because she would always bring me breakfast. She would fix me food and bring it in. And I’d say, it’s my mom. And I’m like, oh, hi, mom. It was real cute. But then her abilities became less. And I cook breakfast. We have to take most things out because her cognition is off. She’ll try to put the coffee filters in the toaster and that kind of thing and foil in the microwave. So we’ve taken all of that away from her. The only thing that she still does that we’re okay with is the dishes. She always does the dishes. She finishes eating and she washes the dishes. Okay. So back to the question though, in order for me to be able to help you, I need to know what we’re solving, right? Paint a picture of what six months from now, if things are going well, what that looks like. For going well, we’re heading that direction, but I would have someone there with my parents in the evenings. Okay. It would be nice to be able to work from home again.
[4:10] Okay. I used to look forward to being able to roll out of my bed at, you know, 7.58 for eight o’clock. I understand that for sure. I don’t get that pleasure, But I have a great job, so it works for me. But that will be my perfect. In your mind, what’s the number one thing keeping you from making that happen? What’s the roadblock? They keep changing.
[4:33] My parents, like as soon as we accomplish a hurdle, then something else comes. Since October, it’s been really like one thing after the other, after the other. My father never wandered at all. And I, for my release, I take trips. I go on trips like maybe two or three times a year.
[4:55] And we had me and my husband had to be going to California for anniversary. And I’m on Eastern and they’re Western, you know, the West Coast. And just by chance, because I was up at two o’clock in the morning, I look at the camera because we have cameras everywhere in and out the house. And I saw him walking out the door and I’m like, why is he walking out the door? I said, it’s like five o’clock in the morning. What’s going on? He had walked out the house. So I called my sister. She’s only like five minutes away. She got there, had my sons, the police, everyone. We did find him. He had been out for like three hours just walking. He had walked about three miles from the house. Okay. And it’s useless to ask him why, because he’s not going to know. But we think he has vivid dreams. And he had been talking about his brother, his oldest brother, who they were like inseparable. They would sit in the house drinking coffee all day and be happy with that. He passed maybe about 10 years ago, but he was coming downstairs saying, hey, you know, Lafie’s here. I said, no, no, he’s not. He’s not here. And like, he would go out the house looking for him. So I think he really, because he wasn’t in distress or anything. He walked out the door like he was
Understanding Caregiver Frustrations
[6:01] just. Sure. Go on to go see his brother. For sure. Okay. So let me tell you what that sounds like to me. And you correct me if I’m wrong. Because I’m wrong a lot.
[6:12] I’m human and I’m wrong a lot, right? This sounds to me like you guys need more information or understanding or knowledge about the changes that are happening and the why they’re happening and being able to anticipate what’s coming next. Well, I’ve become very good with Google. WebMD is my shirt. So as it happens, we learn the triggers, like him having vivid dreams, never what I have thought that meant, okay, now he’s going to act on me. So he went out. And so from that day on, like while we were gone, because I was ready to get back on the plane and come, but they found him and he was fine. So my sister’s been there. So we’ve had somebody at the house every day since October. And at first we were doing it on our own and three day shifts, like every three days, we could stay 24 hours. But we said, this is not sustainable. I work full time. She works full time. We just we couldn’t sustain it. So we did a few weeks ago bring in agency that will stay there four nights during the week, four consecutive nights, Thursday through Sunday night just to be there. I said, we really only need someone to make sure he doesn’t walk out the door. And then we did go to the doctor and get him because he was he had anxiety because he didn’t know and he just wasn’t making any sense. So they did put him on medication and And that’s helped a lot. But sometimes he’ll go to bed at six and he’s up at 530 because he slept a good night. You know, I said he’s he’s going to be up and then then we’re up and I have to go to work in the morning. So it’s like, yeah, this isn’t working.
[7:39] So, and like some nights are good. They sleep through the night. Some are bad. My mom has become incontinent and that’s our biggest challenge, but we’re doing baby steps. We got her to wearing the adult diapers. We didn’t think that would ever happen because she just wasn’t, she’s a nurse and she knows everything and she will tell you. Of course. Well, we do have her getting, putting them on at night is iffy because she’ll get up because we give her pills at night because it’s easier for her. So she’ll give a night to go to the bathroom and she may or may not, you know, put the diaper on. So we do a lot of washing. We’ve got a lot of pads on the bed. We, you know, we’re, I’m better at accommodating because I’ve been doing it. I have me and I have a twin sister and it’s me and her that have been doing all of this. She’s a teacher. So I’ve been the one that’s primarily doing everything all the time. She helps, but I’m there more than she is. And I’m finding with the more it’s progressing. I’m fighting with her, not fighting, but she’s where I used to be. with her frustration.
[8:37] And I’m like, I can’t handle taking care of them and adjusting to them and accommodating them and trying to accommodate for you. Cause she’s like, well, if we have to stay here three nights, I said, all I need is one day off. I have to have one day off that I don’t have to be here. And it’s going to have to be on the weekend. Cause I’m here Monday through Friday working and like she’s not willing to give up, you know, cause her children are younger than mine, But they’re still, you know, 18 and up. She’s having a hard time with the sacrifice. And I and I totally understand it because it was a huge sacrifice back when I first did. And I had to go through counseling to pick out where it’s going. So my frustrations now is how to get her because I’m almost get to the point where, you know what, I’ll just do it myself. Cause I, she’s like, you’re going to get burned out. I said, I’m not burned out. I said, I’m more frustrated with her trying to get her to a happy place than I am if I was doing it myself. Cause I know how to get away from it. I know what to do, but she’s having a hard time with, well, I can’t do three nights, two nights in a row. I said that I’ll do it. But then you’re here for 72 hours. I said, I’m fine. I can do it because they really aren’t a bother. They, you do what you got to do. I’ve got a system together or what I, you know, coffees are ready in the morning. I fix their breakfast and you get them. I started getting them up because if I have meetings all morning, I can’t, you know, I won’t be able to get up and, you know, I have a routine and I can adapt. Yeah, routine is great.
[10:02] And I have to adapt it. I’m more quickly to adapt my routines because I’ve been doing this so long. And for her, it’s just like, well, what are we going to do now?
[10:12] So that’s what my frustrations are. So what I hear is things changing with your mom and dad, but you’re adapting to that. And your frustration seems to be a little bit more with your sister. Right. And we try to talk, but it’s like, I remember when I was there, there was nothing you can tell me. It took the counselor saying, well, why are you doing that? I said, I don’t know. Well, why do you have to sit there while they’re eating dinner? Why can’t you just go to the gym or something then? I’m like, I don’t know. It’s like you have to hear from someone else. And I’m not from someone else that she needs to hear. She’s never going to hear it from you. I hate to be that way, Denise, but she’s not going to hear it from you. So I just, you know, my son just graduated with his master’s in counseling. So he’s been giving me sessions for free. There you go. Well, congratulations on your son graduating with his master’s in counseling. That is awesome. My husband’s a pastor. I’m a friend. So we have so many. You have a lot going on. Yeah. So, you know, you opened a little can of worms because I got a lot. I got a lot.
[11:18] So let’s start with your husband’s a pastor, which means I can speak to you
The Importance of Self-Care
[11:22] from a biblical perspective. Because that’s where, to me, the whole thing starts, right? When we get married, we leave and cleave. And I’m 100% so thankful your parents have you. On the same token, your husband needs to be a priority too. Oh, we are like this because what I’m going through with my parents, he’s going through with his dad. The same time my dad left, his father was newly diagnosed with Parkinson’s, had to go into rehab, and now he’s in. So we both understand exactly what’s going on. But you still need to carve out time to be a wife and a mother. You cannot do this 24 hours a day, seven days a week by yourself. It is not sustainable. Oh, we’ve got it.
[12:08] You’re preaching to the choir. We got this totally under control. We have, when I’m there, we have our 10 o’clock dates on Zoom. We have meetings every day. We talk. Awesome. That’s wonderful. But I’m still not going to waver from you cannot do it by yourself 24 hours a day, seven days a week. You will burn out. I guarantee that without a shadow of a doubt, nobody can do it by themselves. Okay. Now to your sister is to your sister. And this is kind of a fun conversation. There’s actually a thing called caregiver readiness to change. And you kind of sort of already intuitively know it because you’ve said it a couple of times. You mentioned she’s where I used to be, right? So you are more aware of the changes that are occurring because you have spent more time maybe with them, or you’re just able to see it. And she is not able to see those changes. Having said that, so the first one is what’s called pre-contemplation. And you can actually talk to your son, who is a counselor, and ask him because this scale is applied to caregivers, but actually comes out of the addiction space called the trans-theoretical model of change or for change.
[13:28] But the first, the lowest level or the bottom of the pyramid, you know, for people who are just listening is what they call pre-contemplation. And in that phase, the person is not ready to change yet. That’s the person I call the ostrich. They got their head in the sand, nothing’s wrong, la la la, right?
[13:46] Mom’s just old or, you know, they’ve always been this way. They lots of excuses as to why the thing, you know, why I shouldn’t be drinking. Oh, I’m fine. I’m, you know, whatever. Right. That’s pre-contemplation. Contemplation is the next phase of readiness. And it kind of sounds to me, this is where your sister might be. Right. I call this the wishy-washy phase.
[14:11] Everything’s fine. Oh, no, you can’t do it by yourself, sis. You have, you know, but I can’t do it either. Right. Right. But no, no, no, you shouldn’t be doing it. You can’t do it. But I’m not going to do it because I’m not ready yet. It’s called contemplation. But it’s got to get done. But the third one is where you are. And that is the participation phase. It’s like, you know, there’s a real, you know, there’s something wrong. You can see there’s something wrong. You’re actively starting to look for solutions. You’re trying things on your own. You’re reading up on it. You’re being active in this. And then the last one is we’re like, okay, Houston, something’s wrong. We really need to fix it now, right? And so you’re kind of in between that participation and that active phase in that section where you’re figuring it out, but you’re ready to figure it out and you’re ready to make the changes in order to do that. The last phase is what they call maintenance. And people will cycle through maintenance to active sometimes as things change, as this progresses. You’ll get to a maintenance phase. Everything is kind of swimming along for a bit.
[15:26] And you’ve got it, right? You’ve got the system. You’ve got the process going. Everything is going swimmingly. And then something changes. I go back down into that participation or active phase as you figure it out, and then you get the next system in place. Okay. That is very common, specifically in dementia and dementia caregiving, because you are correct. It will keep changing. So a couple of suggestions for you. And these are just like, I’m not going to, I can’t solve everything in a 20 minute conversation, right? It’s just not possible. There’s a lot. But a few things I want you to think of, because a lot of this has to do with resources, both human people, like other people, church, things like that, and financial resources. I want you to consider what are their options? What is the plan? Are you going to try to keep them at home at all costs? What are those costs? And I’m not talking about money costs, right? I’m talking about your marriage, your relationship with your kids, your health, your ability, because you look younger than me. I don’t know how old your folks are. You’ve got to be about my age because I’ve got a 28 and a 26-year-old. Then I’m older than you. Okay.
[16:52] I’m 54. I don’t mind telling you. 58. Okay. You’re not that much older than me. All right. But think about it this way. At 59, if your parents live another five or six years, you’re going to be 65, right? Or if they live longer, you’re going to be older. What do you want your health to look like? Your relationship with your husband, your relationship with your kids, your own future. You cannot put all of your emphasis on taking care of your parents alone. You have to be a part of the equation.
[17:24] Even though you’re able to do it right this moment and doing it well, it is the analogy that I always use, like Ms. Paula, who was on earlier, when her husband ended up in the hospital, that’s like a frog being thrown in boiling water. We know it’s uncomfortable. We know we don’t like this. We know we need to get out of this situation. You on the other hand are more like the frog that gets put into the cold water and the heat is slowly turning up. And because it’s so slow and insidious and over time, a person is not always likely to recognize that they’re burning out until they’ve burned out. So I want you to consider what are all of the options? Is assisted living an option for them? Have you guys looked at Medicaid planning? Have you got all of those kinds of things taken care of? There are ways to protect their assets, but Medicaid has a five-year look-back period already in this window, so it might not be feasible. But what are all of the options? Where can you tap into more humans who can help you? Do you have a church that can help you? Can you set up some sitter services through your church, through your community.
[18:48] Through your kids, you know, coming in and just helping out for a day or whatever? Look at the big picture and truly, truly consider not putting all of that burden on you. Because even though it is a little bit manageable right now and you’re doing an exceptionally good job, I don’t want you to burn out because it conceivably from what you’ve just described could be anywhere from, like they could pass away tomorrow, right? I don’t know.
[19:18] But if we just play it through just from where they are in their journey, it could be another two to five years. Right. I know eventually that, because I was ready to find an assisted living for them as soon as I got back. But they don’t, my biggest fear with them is that I don’t want them to be separate. They’ve been together for 59 years. Sure. But a lot of assisted livings, they can go together. Right. I looked at it and because when he was looking for, my husband looked for a place for his dad, I was, you know, behind the scenes looking to say,
Exploring Assisted Living Options
[19:54] oh, what my parents do okay here when they finally do. Cause like they totally, I’m, I’m a caregiver. I’m not their daughter. They know I’m Denise, but they don’t know relationship. And she’ll say, well, we do this almost every day. I say, yep, I sure do. This is a nice place. I’m like, okay. And I’m like, this is your house. You know, you’ve lived here since 72.
[20:12] So I know I just don’t, from what I’ve seen in nursing homes and my husband will say the same thing. I’m not suggesting a nursing home. Well, I just, In my perfect world, they would be in an assisted living apartment and with caregivers that come in there. So they have their own space. Correct. Have you explored that? As far as until I hit my first wall, because I found out with memory care, assisted living isn’t really an option. Like they put them in rooms on floors, on memory floors, but for them to be in their own apartment, because they have a kitchen and all that, and those aren’t safe. Have you ever heard of a senior advisor?
[20:55] No. Where’s home for you, Denise? Michigan. Michigan. So go look for an elder care, a senior advisor or an elder care aging care manager. It used to be called geriatric manager. They have a lot of names. Do not go to like a place for mom or any of those places. You’ll get 100,000 phone calls. I know. We’re into that. Yes. But you can go look for senior advisors in Michigan. There are national companies like Oasis Senior, a lot of those different places, geriatric care managers or senior advisors, Aging Life Care, Care Association has a website. Go find a local person who works in senior in that sector. They work on a referral system from wherever the person gets placed. They’ll meet with you. They will get all of the details, the financials, the constraints, the preferences, the things that make mom and dad different than another couple. Right. And then they do a lot. They know the facilities in your area.
[22:09] And they’ve already done all of that legwork. And then they’ll take you to the best ones based on budget, location, based on all of those requirements. And it can significantly cut down on your effort. Because the reality is your mom and dad likely already need 24-hour direct supervision.
[22:28] And that gets very expensive very quickly at home, even though you work from home. because at some point their care needs are going to be more than what you’re going to likely be able to do while working. Oh, I totally understand. I know this is just a phase that’s going to change eventually. And so I’m just right in that phase knowing that, okay. Yes. Let’s get you prepared for the next phase. The one thing, the last thing I would recommend to you is consider if you ultimate, like if you guys know, if you already know in the scientific part of your body that you’re not going to be able to keep them at home because of your life and all of the stuff that we just talked about, moving them sooner is better for them than waiting until it’s too late because then they will be going to a memory care and then your options related to them being together may be more limited. So just, I would, you know, first of the year, I I would do my research now and then first of the year, I would reach out to a senior care advisor, an aging life specialist, somebody like that up in Michigan and have them help you in your geographic area look at what the true feasible options for you are. Okay. That’s a good suggestion.
Community Support and Resources
[23:50] Oh, wonderful. I’m so glad you were here. Thank you. You’re a kindred spirit. I’m Esther’s wife too.
[23:57] People who are really benefiting from the community are the people who joined earlier on before they need it and that have been active and are participating in the community because then they already know what questions to ask and they have a place to come and they’re not constantly wondering, what do I need to do? How do I need to do it? So people listening are interested in tapping into or learning about the community. I’d invite you to just go to the website, thinkdifferentdementia.com. There’s a link for you to schedule a 20-minute call. There’s no pressure. I’ll serve you regardless of whether you join the community or not. But it is a way for you to take this relationship a little deeper, a little bit more hands-on support, because really the research also shows its longitudinal support over time. Yeah, for sure. I would highly recommend Lizette. She’s awesome. I appreciate that endorsement. You are well. Thank you, everybody, for listening today. And as I try to remember, I try to remember, I don’t always remember. May the Lord bless you and keep you and come back and listen some more. I’m hoping to do more of these coaching style episodes. So come back in and check us out. And thank you for being here today.
