How To Let Go Of Dementia Caregiver Guilt and Shame
Dementia caregiving is a journey filled with uncertainty, emotional highs and lows, and overwhelming moments. But what if you could recognize patterns and respond with confidence instead of frustration?
Today we explore a live coaching session where a caregiver learns how to manage emotional struggles, reduce stress, and approach caregiving with faith and practical strategies.
Why Caregivers Feel Like “The Problem”
Many caregivers, especially those in the early stages of dementia care, blame themselves for their struggles. In this episode, we hear from Jodi, who is at the beginning of her caregiving journey and feeling overwhelmed with guilt. She worries that her impatience and frustration are making things worse.
But the truth is: caregiving is hard, and frustration is normal. Instead of blaming yourself, this episode encourages you to:
✔️ Recognize that caregiving is a learning process.
✔️ Give yourself grace—you’re not alone in this.
✔️ Understand that frustration often comes from uncertainty, not failure.
The Dementia PEACE Framework
One of the most powerful tools shared in this episode is the PEACE Framework, a structured way to analyze behavioral changes and avoid unnecessary stress.
This acronym helps caregivers observe patterns and adjust responses:
P – Person: What’s happening with your loved one? Are they tired, hungry, or in pain?
E – Environment: Is there too much noise, clutter, or stimulation?
A – Activity: Has there been too much or too little engagement during the day?
C – Care Companion: How are YOU feeling? Are you stressed, frustrated, or exhausted?
E – Evaluate: Step back and analyze what might be triggering changes in behavior.
By using this method, caregivers can move from reacting emotionally to responding with clarity.
Recognizing Patterns in Behavior
One of the biggest mistakes caregivers make is assuming that behavioral shifts happen randomly. This episode highlights how:
🔹 Fatigue at the end of the day can lead to emotional outbursts.
🔹 Overstimulation (too much noise or activity) can cause confusion and frustration.
🔹 Caregiver stress transfers to the person with dementia, making situations worse.
When you start observing patterns instead of just reacting to behaviors, you’ll feel more in control and less overwhelmed.
Faith, Caregiving, and Giving Yourself Grace
A key takeaway from this episode is the importance of not being too hard on yourself. You are showing up, learning, and doing your best—and that matters.
Remember:
🙏 God equips you for this journey, even when you feel unprepared.
🙏 You don’t have to be perfect; you just have to be present.
🙏 Your loved one’s reactions are not a reflection of your failure—they are part of the disease.
If you’ve been feeling overwhelmed by caregiving, you are not alone.
By using tools like the PEACE Framework, recognizing patterns, and leaning on faith and community, you can find peace in the chaos.
Read more:
What You Need To Know About Dementia Caregiver Guilt: It’s Not Your Fault
Ever Wonder How To Know What Is Causing Your Caregiver Stress?
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[0:00] Hey Christian Care Companion, welcome to Dementia Caregiver Support for Christians, where we equip Bible-believing Christians to overcome the challenges of dementia today and tomorrow. If you are a Christian Care Companion who is a spouse or a child or a family member of a person living with dementia and want practical caregiving solutions and Christian support, this podcast is for you. Here, we make caregiving easier by cutting out the stress and the overwhelm so common to caregiving. Today, you get a special glimpse into a live coaching session with a client of mine. Every now and then, I offer these one-on-one sessions to my community members in order for me to catch up and have my finger on the pulse of how they are coping with their dementia caregiving journey.
Setting Goals for Caregiving
[1:08] And now to the next episode. Miss Jodi, you get the same questions, young lady. Let’s set a goal for today. Let’s say it’s about six months from now and caregiving is become easier, what does that look like for you? I know you’re just kind of right at the start of trying to figure some stuff out, but what would make things easier for you? And then what do you think is the biggest thing holding you back? Those two questions. I think actually it’s all me because I’m the one that seems to be having a problem right now. And I am, I need prayers for patience and because I’m just so much at the beginning that I’m not being able to control myself. I’m losing patience and I guess I just want answers and you know those, it’s going to take time to come. So I think if it’s easier for me six months out, it’s because I’ve settled down and because I’ve.
[2:08] It’s okay. It’s okay. Because I think sometimes right now I’m making it worse because I don’t have the patience I need to have. And I don’t know what else to say. Okay. Well, why don’t we start with that? That I don’t want you to think that you’re the problem. Okay? Not for a second. Because from what you said right at the beginning, you know, before we came into this section, is that you really, correct me if I’m wrong, you guys do not have a diagnosis yet. No. You have a suspicion. You don’t have a diagnosis. So you’re right at that in-between stage of the scientific part of your body, your gut, is telling you something is wrong. Things are not the way it used to be or something is changing. But getting the medical system and the tests and all of that to catch up to
Understanding the Diagnosis Process
[2:59] your awareness does take time. So what I’d like to propose that we talk about just a little bit so that you can either set your mind at ease or gain some perspective is that the oftentimes when we have an awareness that things are changing, our gut is usually very accurate. Okay. So having a diagnosis is a good thing to have, but I don’t want us to wait on a diagnosis because that can take a long time, right?
[3:35] I had a woman join one of my communities and she actually lives local to me. So we sat down and had a cup of coffee and she actually told me, she’s like, I don’t have a diagnosis. And based on what she was telling me, I’m like, there’s definitely something wrong. And from that point of time until we got a diagnosis was almost a year. Like she knew something was wrong. She knew that things were changing, but the wheel to get the diagnosis can take some time. Now, having said that, what you mentioned earlier is that your husband had an MRI and we’ve got a PET scan scheduled. So you’re already in that process. So tell me a little bit why you feel or think that you’re the one having the problem. Because I could be more gentle. I could be more kind. And what is surprising to me is how quickly the state of mind can change because it will be so nice. And he thanks me for helping him with some things recently. And he talks. He thanks me for, you know, he says, I don’t know what I would do without you. And, you know, God bless me so much. And then it won’t be very long until it turns around and he’s upset with me. And he says things that, you know, are not so kind. And I feel like sometimes, you know, more often I need to just say, oh, really? Okay.
[5:03] Instead of trying, I know we’re not supposed to correct and we’re not supposed to, you know, remind or I don’t know.
Emotional Regulation in Caregiving
[5:10] But anyway, so I find it really interesting. This was very helpful. Thank you, Miss Jodi, because what you’re describing about, you know, it sounds like things are fairly OK and then all of a sudden something changes. Right. And so you said he’s thanking you. And then then a short little period later, he’s upset about something. Right. OK. So what I’d like to take just a moment to teach you just for a couple of
The Dementia Peace Framework
[5:37] minutes, things that I want you to pay attention. I’m going to give you a framework. I call it the Dementia Peace Framework, P-E-A-C-E. All right. It’s an acronym that stands for person who we suspect has dementia, right? The environment that we are in at that moment, activity level or meaningful engagement, Just kind of what’s been happening throughout the day. And then care companion contribution.
[6:12] In other words, the best way to describe it is like checking my own emotions. Okay. So P-E-A-C. And the E stands for we’re going to evaluate. Okay. Okay. So I’m just going to make up a scenario based on what you told me about, you know, you’re having a conversation or things seem like they’re pretty even keel and then something seems to happen and he gets upset, right? I’ll use a client of mine as an example just because I know her and I know that this has actually happened. She has the beginning stages of dementia and she’s very functional.
[6:51] She can walk, you know, she’s very, very functional, can still do very high level things, doesn’t drive anymore, doesn’t do her own medication, but she’s extremely mobile and functional. But when they’ve got a large family, when things are really super busy day, lots of kids, lots of activities that she’s running after the kids, everything is fine. Everybody goes home. And two hours later, she blows up at her husband. Okay. So when you look at that, you know, what’s going on with her? It’s nine or 10 o’clock at night. She is tired. Or, you know, is the person hungry? Are they in pain and hurting and they’re not able to tell you what’s going on or they frustrated because they can’t find the word? What’s going on with the person? The second thing is what’s going on in the environment? You and I can be sitting here. I’ve got a train track outside my window. I can be having the conversation. The train can be going by and I can switch it off.
[7:55] I don’t hear it, right? But maybe there’s noise in the background. The TV’s on. There’s lots of talking. I have a client right now who cannot literally walk and have a conversation with his wife at the same time because it’s too much for him, right? What’s happened related to activities? Is he either way overstimulated or way understimulated? Is there too little going on or too much going on, right? And then you, what’s going on with the person who’s with them? Are you tired? Are you stressed? Are you overwhelmed? Are you frustrated? Because one thing we do know to be very true is that as these things start to change, the person starts to lose the ability to control their own emotions, emotional regulation, and they’ll take on your energy. Oh, okay. You are frustrated or tired. and I’m not saying you are, but if the person around them, like with me, with my dad, if I walk in and I’m angry, he’s angry. So if I’m tired and down, he’s tired and down. Whatever emotions you might be feeling, if you can check your emotions because he may be responding to you and run everything that happens. So when you have one of these little situations occur, right, I want you You just stop and just take a step back and make yourself like a fly on the wall.
[9:24] Like a video camera and run it through your brain like a video, like you’re not in the movie yourself. Look for those four things. That’s the evaluate stage and then start to look for the pattern. Okay.
[9:40] And I really, if you start to do that, it will make a difference. I guarantee.
Self-Care for Care Companions
[9:46] Okay. And then the last thing I want to share with you, don’t be so hard on yourself. You wouldn’t be here if you didn’t care, if you didn’t want to do it differently. Be proud of yourself for being proactive to learn about whatever might possibly be happening because that puts you so far ahead of the curve. So you need to be gracious to yourself. Okay. Okay. I hope this was helpful, Miss Jodi. Yes, it was. Thank you. Good. If you haven’t yet, on my website, there is a caregiver or stress assessment that you can take. The website is Think Different Dementia. And then I think it’s forward slash DCA. But you can just go to the website. There is a link on the website for a stress assessment. Okay. If you take that, that’ll give you a good idea of kind of where you are right now. It’s like taking your pulse. Okay.
[10:40] Let me ask one question. I didn’t put the last E. What was the last E? That’s evaluate. Evaluate. Evaluate and educate. So the educate part comes related to when you have other people that you may need to help teach. Okay. But for you, it would mostly be you evaluate it. You run through those four things, person, environment, activities, care companion, and then the E is evaluate. And so make yourself be like a fly on the wall or think about yourself in a movie. You’re watching the situation. You’re outside of the situation. So watch the situation from the outside. We all have that ability to, you know, run through something like a movie in our head. Do that and look for those four things and see what you think it might be. Was it me? I was stressed. He was sensing it. Was it seven o’clock at night after we got up at 3 a.m. and he’s tired? What are the factors? And pay attention for those because they show patterns. There’s a pattern behind it. All right. Okay. Awesome.
Building a Supportive Community
[11:54] People who are really benefiting from the community are the people who joined earlier on before they need it and that have been active and are participating in the community because then they already know what questions to ask and they have a place to come and they’re not constantly wondering, what do I need to do? How do I need to do it? So people listening are interested in tapping into or learning about the community. I’d invite you to just go to the website, thinkdifferentdementia.com. There’s a link for you to schedule a 20-minute call. There’s no pressure. I’ll serve you regardless of whether you join the community or not. But it is a way for you to take this relationship a little deeper, a little bit more hands-on support because really the research also shows its longitudinal support over time. Absolutely. Yeah, for sure. I would highly recommend Lizette. She’s awesome. I appreciate that endorsement. You are well. Thank you, everybody, for listening today. And as I try to remember, I try to remember, I don’t always remember. May the Lord bless you and keep you. And come back and listen some more. I’m hoping to do more of these coaching-style episodes. So come back and check us out. And thank you for being here today.
