Dementia Care: Control vs. Charge in Caregiving
Do you feel overwhelmed trying to control every aspect of caregiving?
Is it leaving you frustrated and disconnected from your loved one?
In this episode, we look at a powerful shift: letting go of control in your dementia care journey and embracing a guiding role instead. It’s easy to fall into the trap of trying to manage every task and routine, but that can often lead to burnout and stress.
By reframing your role, you can foster deeper relationships and reduce anxiety.
Understanding the Difference Between Being in Charge and Being in Control
Lizette begins with a simple analogy from the business world. Just like a business owner, caregivers are in charge of the direction and vision of their caregiving journey. But problems arise when you try to control everything, from routines to reactions.
In caregiving, many things are simply out of our hands. You cannot control how a person with dementia will respond or how their disease will progress. Trying to do so only leads to frustration. When you feel stuck trying to manage every little detail, it’s time to pause and rethink your approach.
Task-Oriented Care vs. Relationship-Centered Care
One major issue with controlling everything is that it often becomes task-focused. You spend all your energy on getting things done—medication, meals, hygiene—and the emotional connection with your loved one takes a back seat. In the long run, this can damage the very relationship you’re trying to protect.
Instead, Lizette encourages caregivers to focus on relationship-centered care. This means being in charge of the atmosphere you create, the tone you set, and the guidance you offer.
For example, modifying routines and adjusting expectations can lead to a smoother, less stressful caregiving experience. Being in charge doesn’t mean dictating every move. It’s about facilitating a supportive environment where both the caregiver and the person with dementia can thrive.
Focus on What You Can Control
A powerful message from the episode is that while you can’t control everything, there are areas where you can take charge. You can adjust the environment to keep your loved one safe. You can create routines that foster calm and comfort. Most importantly, you can control your responses.
When caregivers bring their own stress, fear, or frustration into the caregiving environment, it can escalate difficult behaviors. But when you remain calm and patient, it positively impacts the person with dementia. By controlling your emotions and reactions, you help create a more peaceful experience for both of you.
Letting Go of Unrealistic Expectations
Finally, Lizette touches on the gap between expectations and reality. Many caregivers hold on to how things “should be.” But letting go of those expectations is essential. For example, if a full shower isn’t possible, a sponge bath is okay. The goal is cleanliness, not perfection.
By accepting what’s possible, caregivers can reduce their stress and create a more flexible, supportive caregiving journey.
Are you ready to let go of control and embrace a more peaceful caregiving approach? Take a step back, guide your loved one, and focus on building the relationship that matters most.
Read More: 175. How To Improve Emotional Resilience And Faith Using Relationship-Centered Dementia Care
Ever Wonder How To Know What Is Causing Your Caregiver Stress?
Take Our FREE Caregiver Stress Assessment Today!
https://dignicarebydesign.com/quiz
Are You A Christian Dementia Caregiver Struggling To Cope With Caregiving? Join the FREE “Ask the Dementia Mentor” Monthly Meet Up! And be on the podcast, get support and your questions answered.
https://www.dementiacaregivingmadeeasy.com/ask
Read More:
How To Best Use Long Term Care Insurance In Dementia Caregiving With Luke Mangum
Transcript
[0:00] Hey Christian Caregiver, welcome to the podcast where I teach Bible-believing Christians how to navigate dementia with practical help and a kingdom focus as well as help you find hope for your future. The Christian Dementia Caregiving podcast is brought to you by Think Different Dementia where we create better futures for caregivers by building community around dementia caregivers. Recently, I was listening to a podcast in the entrepreneurial space on what is the difference of being in control of something and being in charge of something. And that sent my brain down a rabbit hole of how does this perhaps apply to caregiving? And I thought it would be fun for us today to unpack and just look at what it really means for us to be in charge of something or be in control of something. So using the analogy of a business owner, a business owner is in charge of the vision, of the message, of the direction of the business. They are the leader of where they’re going. They set the direction for the business. They are in charge of the outcome of what they are wanting to achieve.
[1:20] But if you are a person who is a business owner who is trying to control everything, if they are trying to control all of the actions of the teams, all of the decisions that need to be made, all of the details of everything that needs to occur in their business, if If they have a growing business and they’re trying to control all of those aspects, what happens is very quickly as a business owner or an entrepreneur, they get bogged down. They get frustrated. They get overwhelmed. They end up being the bottleneck in their business because the reality is if you are developing or growing a business, there is going to be certain things that you cannot control. You cannot control all of the variables. You cannot control the market. it. You cannot control your competitors. You cannot control your employees.
[2:13] You cannot even control if they really show up. I mean, yes, you can fire them. But the reality of the matter is there’s certain things that we can be in charge
Control vs. Charge in Caregiving
[2:21] of, and there are only certain things that we can be in control of. So being in charge means focusing on what we can impact and what we can change. So what does it mean when we are trying to be in control of our caregiving journey? Well, a couple of things related to being in control is we are trying to manage or fix every single aspect of caregiving. We’re trying to manage or control all of the routines, all of the the responses that we get, all of the reactions, it ends up being a very task-directed care because we’re trying to control every single aspect of the journey to make it easier for ourselves.
[3:09] When we come into the framework of trying to fix everything, trying to make sure that all of these things are exactly done the way they’ve always been done related to the routine or the household or the relationship or whatever, and we’re trying to control it all, it ends up meaning that we are so focused on getting the task done that we forget about the relationship. And so if you haven’t listened to episode 175, which is just the episode before this, where we were talking about relationship-centered care as opposed to patient-centered or person-centered care, as opposed to caregiver-centered care. We’re looking at more relationship-centered care. When you are trying to be in control of every variable of everything that you can trying to stop the progression or be in control of the whole thing, what it can result in is the loss of the relationship. It results in maybe being feeling like you are more stressed or feeling overwhelmed or feeling anxious or having increased fear because you cannot control what you’re trying to control. There are certain things you can control and we’ll talk about that in a couple of minutes.
[4:29] But when we are trying to be in control of all of these different variables, we become task-centric, just trying to get the stuff done in order to do the next thing and be able to create perhaps a sense of control for ourselves. Because when we don’t feel like we have control, we feel overwhelmed. And it is entirely, entirely understandable. And I don’t want you to feel bad if you are trying to maintain control because at the same time, a certain measure of control is absolutely valuable and useful and practical in a dementia caregiving journey. And we will talk about that again in a couple of minutes. But when you’re trying to control everything, it leads to the loss of the relationship
Embracing Relationship-Centered Care
[5:17] because everything becomes task-centered. So what does it mean to be in charge in a dementia caregiving journey? Well, being in charge means that we are setting the stage. We are guiding rather than dictating. We are facilitating what it is that we want to see. And it ends up being relationship-centered and not task-centered. Being in charge means we set the tone. We set the direction that we see our journey going and we keep everyone safe, it results in increased flexibility.
[5:56] It results in decreased frustration. It results in increased emotional resilience. It can result in increased personal growth. It can result in increased growth in your sanctification and your walk with the Lord because you recognize that ultimately God is in control of all of the variables of the whole entire journey. But while we’re here on earth and navigating this journey, our role is not to control everything, but to be in charge, to be a good steward would be a good, a different way of saying it. It’s our ability to steward the entire journey, the entire process, just like we are required to steward being a parent or steward
Practical Tips for Caregiving
[6:43] being a good employee or steward being a good friend or whatever the situation is. So what are some practical tips that we can look at today? How can you be in charge? What kind of things can we really be in charge of without holding on and maintaining control, right? But what can we be in charge of? So I want to remind you of the framework that I use, which is called the Dementia Peace Framework, where P stands for the person, E stands for the environment that we care for the person in. A stands for activity engagement.
[7:21] C stands for caregiver contribution or response. And then E stands for educate and evaluate the entire time. So we run everything that we do through the PEACE framework, person, environment, activity, caregiver contribution, and evaluate and educate. So when we’re in charge of something, What can we be in charge of? We can be in charge of the environment. We can look at the environment. We can modify the environment to help to keep the person safe, to help to keep the caregivers safe. We can modify activities. We can modify the routine.
[8:00] When we’re going to do what, how we’re going to structure the house, the routine, what time we’re going to get up, what time we’re going to go to bed. Those are things that we can be in charge of. We can be in charge of our response.
[8:16] Our caregiver contribution. Person living with dementia is extremely sensitive to the emotional energy, the emotional relationships that have been in the past. So if you arrive to the person and you are super stressed and you are anxious or you’re afraid, they sense those emotions from you. Or if you get angry in response to their repetitive questioning or whatever the response of behavior is, you can inadvertently actually make things worse. But we can be in charge of our own responses and we can evaluate and educate ourselves selves and the people around the person living with dementia on what is working and what is not working. So those are some practical tips just using the framework, the dementia peace
Letting Go of Control
[9:07] framework, to help you see what you can be in charge of. Now, we’re going to talk about what you need to consider letting go of certain things to control, right? We’re trying oftentimes to control the person. We’re trying to control all of the factors that we are navigating this journey with. We’re trying to control every variable. We cannot control the person. We cannot control the progression of the disease.
[9:36] We cannot control the person’s responses to things. We cannot control the activities just to get the activity done. Those are the things that we need to consider that are letting go of. Maybe we’ve always wanted to give somebody a shower.
[9:53] The reality is they just need to be clean. And so if clean means sponge bathing, then that’s okay. We need to let go of the control of making sure that everything is the way we always had it. One of my biggest observations as I continue to work with people and coach people through this process is that the frustration related to a caregiver situation, the frustration, the stress, the the anxiety, the fear, that is always in the gap. It is in the gap between reality and expectation. There is a reality of dementia. Wherever that person is functioning at that period in time, that is the reality. But sometimes we, as the caregivers around them, have certain other expectations. And because our expectations are not being met related to where we think that person really should be and they’re not functioning or they’re not able to function in that particular way anymore, that is where the gap results in frustration and anxiety and fear. And we need to be able to let go of certain controls, certain things that we’re trying to make be exactly that way so that we can have a better outcome of our dementia caregiving journey. Are you feeling stressed as a Christian dementia caregiver?
[11:18] Let me help. I offer a monthly dementia care audit to one listener of this program to provide you with personalized but evidence-based strategies from a biblical perspective. We only have one session available each month. Don’t miss this opportunity to make your dementia caregiving journey easier.
Coaching Opportunity Announcement
[11:41] Schedule your own dementia care audit today. Day. When we let go of control and we move towards being in charge instead of controlling, so guiding and facilitating instead of directing and dictating, so guiding rather than dictating, when we guide the person, when we guide the process, when we’re in charge of the journey, but not in control of the journey, the result is relationship-centered care as opposed to task-directed care or just person-centered care which doesn’t consider the caregiver or just caregiver-centered care which considers the person but is more focused on the caregiver. More struggling.
[12:27] I ask, to really consider my offer that I do for anybody who is willing will get one of these. This is my gift to you is a 20 minute coaching, free coaching opportunity where you become a co-creator of the podcast. Because I know that the questions that you may have, somebody else has as well. And so I invite you to sign up by sending me the word audit, A-U-D-I-T, on Messenger or on Instagram, or use the link in the show notes below to register for one of these free opportunities of 20 to 30 minutes free coaching. I promise you, you will walk away with an action that you can can take to help make your journey easier for you. That is my gift to you. If you join the podcast in that way, we can make you anonymous. You do not need to be on camera. I just want to serve you as this audience listening.
[13:34] And I know that other people have the exact same questions, frustrations, stresses as you.
Closing Thoughts and Prayer
[13:42] And so I invite you to take me up on this offer, and hopefully we can have a conversation soon. Thank you for listening today. I pray for people living with dementia and their family caregivers every single day. And I pray that the Lord will prepare and provide the right people for me to work with, because ultimately I am here to serve review. If you have specific questions, if you have specific needs, you can go onto my website. On the top part of the website, you can actually send me a voice message with questions, and then I’d be happy to answer your question on the podcast. So there are multiple ways that you can communicate with me, multiple ways that you can gain support that are free, that you can just learn and continue to grow through this journey. So as I end all of my episodes, if I remember, if I can, may the Lord bless you and keep you, and I will see you in our next episode.
