Breaking the Cycle of Therapeutic Lying: A New Caregiving Method
Have you ever felt conflicted about using therapeutic lying while caring for a loved one with dementia? It’s a technique widely taught, but for many Christian caregivers, the idea of lying—no matter how well-intentioned—can feel wrong.
In this episode, we explore a powerful alternative: therapeutic truth-telling.
We delve into how caregivers can uphold their values while still providing compassionate and effective care for their loved ones. If you’re seeking a way to care for someone with dementia without compromising on your principles, this episode is for you.
Why Therapeutic Lying Isn’t the Best Approach
The episode begins with a common caregiving dilemma: a loved one with dementia repeatedly asks about someone who has passed away.
In the case of therapeutic lying, the standard advice is to soothe the person by telling a “harmless” lie, like saying the person is at work or out shopping. This prevents your loved one from reliving painful emotions.
While this may seem like an easy fix, many caregivers feel uneasy with this approach.
As a Christian, you may feel convicted that lying—even to prevent pain—isn’t in line with your values. This was the same struggle for Lizette, who had taught this method for years before realizing it wasn’t the right path. Instead, she developed a new method called therapeutic truth-telling.
What Is Therapeutic Truth-Telling?
Therapeutic truth-telling is a way to validate your loved one’s feelings without resorting to lies. It’s about meeting them where they are mentally while staying truthful.
For example, if your loved one asks where their deceased spouse is, instead of saying they are at work, you could respond with, “Where do you think they are?” This allows the person with dementia to fill in the gaps themselves, and you can affirm their answer.
By guiding the conversation with gentle questions, you can find a way to comfort your loved one without causing additional distress or compromising your own integrity. This method helps caregivers maintain peace while staying aligned with their moral beliefs.
Real-Life Example: Managing Everyday Situations
One powerful story from the episode involves Lizette’s own experience with their mother, who was used to drinking wine. After her father was medically required to stop drinking, they slowly weaned their mother off wine as well—without lying to her.
By replacing her wine with a non-alcoholic version and being upfront about it, they were able to protect their father’s health and still respect their mother’s preferences without deception.
The episode highlights that it’s possible to find the truth in each situation, even when dealing with the complexities of dementia care. This new approach helps caregivers avoid the guilt and moral conflict that often comes with therapeutic lying.
Why This Approach Matters
As the episode stresses, people with dementia may not understand everything, but they often sense when something feels wrong or dishonest. By using therapeutic truth-telling, you’re showing respect for their dignity and intelligence, which can lead to deeper trust and less frustration for both parties.
This episode provides a valuable shift in how we approach caregiving, especially for those who want to remain true to their Christian values. It shows that you don’t have to compromise on your beliefs to provide effective care for your loved one.
Are you ready to try therapeutic truth-telling in your caregiving journey? This episode offers a compassionate, values-driven approach to dementia care that aligns with your faith and builds stronger relationships with your loved one.
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Transcript
[0:00] Hey, Christian caregiver, welcome to Christian Dementia Caregiving, the podcast where I teach Bible-believing Christians how to navigate dementia with practical help with a kingdom focus and help you find hope for your caregiving future. This podcast is brought to you by Think Different Dementia, where we create better futures for caregivers through building community around you as a caregiver. Thank you for listening to today’s repeat episode of Christian Dementia Caregiving. I live in the affected area from Hurricane Helene and currently still do not have internet or access to all of my various ways of doing recording. So enjoy the next three repeat episodes that have been the most listened to episodes since the start of Hurricane than what my family was. We have been excessively blessed, but I did not have the ability to record the
The Controversy of Therapeutic Lying
[1:04] podcast as I hoped I would have. So listen to today’s repeat episode. episode, I wanted to talk about a technique that is commonly out there in society called therapeutic lying.
[1:19] Now, why do I want to talk about therapeutic lying? I want to talk about therapeutic lying because I have come to the conclusion, I have been convicted that therapeutic lying is actually wrong. So now before you shoot me, before everybody gets all bent out of shape, I want you to just stop and think a minute about and listen to the rest of this episode as I unpack that for you, because we all have a worldview, right? Everybody out in the world has a worldview, whether you know you have a worldview or not. You have a worldview. You have a filter through which you process all information you’re getting from every podcast you listen to, from every conversation you have with people related to any piece piece of information that you take in, you take in through the lens of a pair of glasses that is your worldview. Whether you know you have one or not, we all have a worldview.
[2:18] And my worldview is a Christian worldview, which means that the lens that I use to filter all information that I get comes from a a Christian background, a Christian worldview. Let me take a step back and tell you that for years, decades, I taught people to use the technique called therapeutic lying, right? And to be perfectly honest, it can be a very effective way of helping somebody living with dementia because the idea or the premise behind therapeutic lying is that the person with dementia is living in a different time in their brain, not, you know, time travel type of time, but that in their brain, as their brain has changed, they are now living in a different, their body, brain, memories, everything is in a different time than what we are. So what’s an example of that? Mom and dad had been married for 70 years. Mom has dementia.
[3:24] Dad recently passed away. Mom is living with the daughter, who then mom keeps asking the daughter, where is my husband? And every time the daughter says, well, my daddy died, then mommy relives the whole experience of daddy passing away. And so the premise is she doesn’t remember because she cannot remember that part of her brain is not working anymore. So instead of letting her relive this horrible, horrible horrific traumatic event of her husband of 70 years passing away the technique of therapeutic lying in a nutshell is to to then say to her well you know daddy’s at the store or you know whatever and so that is the premise the reasoning behind it i totally 100 agree with but i have been convicted that it is actually wrong so like i said the the premise of not.
[4:22] Reliving that horrendous death and passing away of her husband is sound. And yes, we want to be where mom is.
A Conviction in Sunday School
[4:31] We want to meet mom where mom is. Well, let me tell you what happened. I was in a Sunday school class several months ago. And like I said, I have been teaching people for decades to use the therapeutic tool called therapeutic lying. Well, we were in the Sunday school and our pastor, and we were, it’s a teaching pastor at our church. He’s not our pastor, pastor. Ryan was actually going over the seventh commandment about telling, you know, not bearing false witness. And in the conversation, and as the Sunday school unpacked, I’m sitting there and I’m thinking to myself, oh boy, I am now stuck. I’m like, I work with people living with dementia and I actively teach people, because like I said, I was convicted that what I was doing was wrong, that it is wrong to flat out lie to a person living with dementia just because it makes it easier for me. So now I have a problem, right? Because on the one hand, the technique is sound and it works. And I don’t want mama, whose husband just passed away, to constantly be reliving the death of her spouse of 70 years.
[5:37] But at the same time, I don’t want to lie and I don’t want to teach people then to lie because through my worldview, I have been convicted that that is wrong. And now I have a problem. I’m like, what am I going to do? So I’m sitting there and I’m like, Ryan, and I stick up my hand and I say, Ryan, I need your help with this. So here’s the situation.
[5:56] My mom and dad had been longstanding wine drinkers for decades and decades. And as my dad had gotten sick a couple of years ago, one of the things that happened in the hospital was they weaned him off of alcohol. Alcohol and after he came out of the hospital he has stayed off of alcohol he has not gone back to actually drinking any wine or beer and we did that with my dad with his well without his permission when he was super confused in the hospital but then with his consent now afterwards because the doctor laid it on the line i legitimately told him that if he didn’t quit drinking he wouldn’t live another year. So my dad and his decided to stay, you know, I can’t keep him off of when they were living with us, I could keep him off of alcohol, right? But now that they’re living on their own, I certainly have less control over their environment. So bring fast forward to my mom. So without my mom’s consent, but with the permission of the doctor, because my dad wasn’t allowed to drink medically. We made the decision as a family, me, my husband and my sister and her husband in conjunction with the doctor while they were living with us and while we had control of the environment to slowly wean my mom off of wine so that she wouldn’t be a stumbling block to my dad. So that’s the situation.
[7:21] So all of this stuff’s going around my head where I’m thinking to myself, how can I continue to not do therapeutic lying anymore, but I need to keep my mom off of wine? So I said, hey, Ryan, what do I do? And what he pointed out to me was that I wasn’t lying because number one, non-alcoholic wine is actually still wine. It is de-alkalized wine.
[7:46] It’s wine that they pulled the alcohol out. So I’m not lying. And number two, the second thing that he He said to me, because I explained to him, there was a full bottle of wine in the five liter box. And I have a whole video if you want to know how to actually refill a five liter box of wine. It is doable with non-alcoholic or de-alcoholized wine. So go look on my YouTube channel and look for the one that says how to replace the wine.
Finding Therapeutic Truth-Telling
[8:13] I don’t remember what the title is, but it is possible to do. So what Ryan, my pastor, teaching pastor said was find the truth in the situation. And so with my mom, I could… With a clear conscience, say to her, here’s your wine, because there was still wine in the box. So I came up with a different word for this, and I call it therapeutic truth-telling. Instead of therapeutic lying, I call it therapeutic truth-telling. How do we find the truth in the situation so that I’m not telling a flat-out lie?
[8:46] And so the follow-up conversation with my pastor, Ryan, was, okay, Ryan, how do I apply this technique?
[8:54] How do I do this with other people and not just say this situation with my mom? And so let’s step back to the example that I used of the woman who had been married for 70 years, whose husband has just passed away. And Ryan and I had a conversation. And so this is a very common scenario. So I actually used similar scenario with him. And I asked him, I said, how do I handle that? Because on the one hand, therapeutic lying, the technique is solid because mom is not living there anymore. She really cannot know. She cannot understand. She cannot remember that her husband of 70 years has passed away. And at the same time, if I tell her every single time, but mama, your daddy’s passed away, then she is going to be reliving it. And I’m just causing her unnecessary pain and quote-unquote challenging behaviors that I have caused. Me, the primary caregiver, then actually causes that behavior. So I’m like, how do I navigate this? How do I do this now so that I’m still telling the truth, but I’m not upsetting mama? Because I want to be truthful. Like I said, I come from a Christian worldview.
Navigating Truth with Compassion
[10:01] I feel convicted that therapeutic lying is wrong. So how do I do this? So I’ve come up with a technique I call therapeutic truth-telling. So what does therapeutic truth-telling look like? So the same scenario. Mama comes to the daughter and says, where’s daddy? And the daughter asks mom…
[10:19] Well, where do you think daddy is? And try to get mom to see where mom’s at in her head. So mom could answer, well, daddy is at work. Or mom could answer, well, daddy’s out in the garden. Or mom could say, I don’t know where daddy is, right? So say mom says, well, daddy is at work. Well, instead of me supplying the answer and saying, well, daddy is at work. Now I know after asking mom, she thinks dad’s at work. So this is somewhere in that time frame in their life. And I can just reinforce what she already believes.
[10:55] I didn’t flat out lie as opposed to, you know, mom’s upset. Where’s dad? Dad’s at work. I now go, well, mom’s upset. Where’s dad? Well, mommy, where do you think daddy is? And mommy supplies the answer as to where mommy me thinks daddy is. And then I just validate, which is a great technique that we use every single day with people living with dementia. We validate where they are. We validate their emotions and that helps them and us to connect with one another. So then she says, well, daddy’s at work and all I have to do, which isn’t a lie, is tell her, well, you must be right because that is what I didn’t flat out lie and supply the answer, which is what therapeutic lying does.
[11:45] It’s me supplying the answer to her that makes sense to her. So now I’m taking it an in-between step and I say, well, mom, where do you think daddy is? And she says, well, daddy’s at work. And I just confirm or validate what she believes. If mommy says to me, I don’t know where daddy is, then I try to get more information. And I would ask a question that goes something like, well, tell me a little bit more about daddy, right? And try to get a conversation going and see if I can get mommy to either come up with a place where daddy might be or by gently leading the conversation by validating. I know mom’s looking for dad because mom’s still aware and she knows there’s a dad and dad’s not here and I was married for 70 years and I’m missing him and she’s trying to connect with me or connect with dad instead of me you know just trying to redirect her hard and change the subject because it’s hard for me I say to her well you know.
[12:56] Where do you think daddy is? And she’s like, I don’t know where daddy is. Then I might just ask a follow-up question and say, well, tell me a little bit more about daddy and have her supply all of what I need in order for me to redirect
Recap and Reflection on Techniques
[13:10] her without actually lying. So to recap today’s program, I know that it is a difficult thing for so many different people out there who maybe are Christians like myself and that they don’t want to do therapeutic lying.
[13:27] And so this technique called therapeutic truth-telling is specifically for you. This is my gift to you to be able to do it in a different way. And if you’re not a Christian, if you’re not a believer, that doesn’t mean that you cannot use this technique because most of us know lying is wrong. And I know a lot of people probably struggle with that because we are ingrained from childhood not to lie to one another. And now as an adult with a person who’s living with dementia, we’re being told to flat out lie to them. And you know what? I think they can sense it. I think they know somewhere in their body that people aren’t telling the truth to them. So I would challenge you to consider, even if you’re not a believer, to not use therapeutic lying, but to actually use therapeutic truth -telling, because we all know lying is wrong. So, you know, this program isn’t overtly for people who are believers, but to be perfectly frank, I make all of my decisions, because I am a Christian, I make all of my decisions through that lens. So I invite you to still stay, and, you know, not all of the episodes are going to be as overtly talking about my belief system.
[14:40] You know, I’ve been doing this for 30 years, and I’ve worked with thousands of people, and And most of them were not believers and we did fine. But it’s because this has been on my heart specifically about the therapeutic lying and that it isn’t. The right technique to use with people with dementia. So like I said, I was convicted. I’m not telling you what to do. I’m suggesting a different way of helping the people that we love because I know one thing for sure. If you are listening to this podcast, you are dealing with dementia in your life. If you’re listening to this podcast, you might be struggling with therapeutic lying. If you’re listening to this podcast, you’re definitely probably a person who who has an interest at the very least in learning more about dementia and dementia
Building Community and Support
[15:25] caregiving and doing it in a better and more efficient way. So what are the next steps that I need for you to do? I do have a Facebook group. It’s called Christian Dementia Caregiving. I also have a YouTube channel also called Christian Dementia Caregiving. These are two additional ways that you can become a part of the community that I am growing of family caregivers of people living with dementia, specifically from a Christian worldview.
[15:54] So if you haven’t joined one of these ways of connecting with me by joining the Facebook group or subscribing to the podcast here or subscribing to the YouTube channel, those are additional ways that you can connect with me and start to build a community around yourself related to navigating this journey so you do not feel overwhelmed and alone all the time. And please, if you’re really struggling and you need some help, message me on Instagram or on Facebook, the word audit, and set up a 20-minute conversation where I will coach you through whatever struggle you have right now and set you on the right path so that you have a place to go and so that you don’t just feel like you’re treading water. Like I end all of my broadcasts, may the Lord bless you and keep you, and I will see you in the next episode.
