“I hate to ask for help.”
Linda whispered those words during our Ask the Dementia Coach Q&A.
Maybe you’ve thought the same thing.
You’re exhausted, you know you need a break, but that guilty voice says: This is my job, not theirs.
That guilt feels noble. But in truth? It doesn’t protect anyone. It drains you and makes it harder to serve with patience, joy, and peace.
Today, let’s walk through Linda’s story—and how you, too, can reframe guilt and receive help without shame.
Linda’s Struggle: When Asking Feels Like a Burden
Linda is caring for her husband, Richard. She loves him deeply, and she wants to be faithful. But she’s worn out.
She told me she longed for her sons to spend just a few hours a month with their dad—maybe a Saturday outing, maybe a quiet evening together. Richard loves that time with his boys. And Linda knows it would give her space to rest.
But she hesitates.
Her sons are in the busy years of work and raising families. She fears “holding them back.”
She grew up without extended family support, so receiving help feels unfamiliar—even wrong.
And underneath it all, that guilty refrain: This is my job, not theirs.
Does that sound familiar? Many Christian caregivers carry the same unspoken rule: If I love enough, I should handle this alone.
Why Guilt Feels So Heavy
Caregiver guilt is sticky because it comes wrapped in good intentions. You love giving. You’ve been a giver since childhood. And giving feels right.
But here’s the truth:
- God never designed us to give endlessly without receiving. Even Jesus accepted help—women supported His ministry, and Simon carried His cross.
- Your children’s role is not diminished when they share in caregiving. In fact, it can strengthen family bonds and give your loved one new joy.
- Guilt confuses stewardship with ownership. God entrusted this season to you, but He never asked you to hoard it.
“God is not a God of confusion but of peace” (1 Corinthians 14:33). Guilt breeds confusion. God calls you to peace.
Reframing Help: A DigniCare™ Perspective
In the DigniCare Method™, we teach that caregiving decisions are stewardship decisions. That means asking for help is not failure—it’s faithfulness.
Here’s how to reframe it:
- See giving and receiving as two sides of the same coin.
If it brings you joy to give, it will bring your children joy to give to you. By never asking, you may be robbing them of that blessing. - Be specific, not vague.
Instead of “Can you help sometime?” say:- “Would you take Dad to dinner the first Saturday of each month?”
- “Could you come by for two hours next Sunday afternoon?”
Specifics create structure—something caregivers and families both need.
- “Would you take Dad to dinner the first Saturday of each month?”
- Prepare for both yes and no.
A no is not rejection. It’s clarity. If your children can’t help, it simply means God will provide through another channel—your church family, a trusted friend, or a paid caregiver.
Remember your core need: respite.
Whether it comes through family or others, you must guard your energy to endure this season. Stewarding care means stewarding your own health.
Biblical Anchors for Caregivers
In the DigniCare Method™, we teach that caregiving decisions are stewardship decisions. That means asking for help is not failure—it’s faithfulness.
Here’s how to reframe it:
- See giving and receiving as two sides of the same coin.
If it brings you joy to give, it will bring your children joy to give to you. By never asking, you may be robbing them of that blessing. - Be specific, not vague.
Instead of “Can you help sometime?” say:- “Would you take Dad to dinner the first Saturday of each month?”
- “Could you come by for two hours next Sunday afternoon?”
Specifics create structure—something caregivers and families both need.
- “Would you take Dad to dinner the first Saturday of each month?”
- Prepare for both yes and no.
A no is not rejection. It’s clarity. If your children can’t help, it simply means God will provide through another channel—your church family, a trusted friend, or a paid caregiver.
Remember your core need: respite.
Whether it comes through family or others, you must guard your energy to endure this season. Stewarding care means stewarding your own health.
Your Next Step: One Simple Action
Like Linda, you don’t have to overhaul your entire caregiving structure today. Start with one action step:
- Pick one person you trust.
- Decide on one small, specific request.
- Make the call this week.
It’s not selfish. It’s stewardship. And it will bring both you and your loved one fresh strength.
Read More: 285. How to Make Wise Decisions as a Christian Dementia Caregiver
Ready for More Caregiver Support?
If you’re nodding along with Linda’s story, you don’t need to carry this alone.
Join me for our free monthly workshop: “How To Immediately Reduce Dementia Caregiver Overwhelm and Stress In 3 Easy Steps.”
In just one session, you’ll learn how to release guilt, create peace, and put practical steps in place today.
You can walk this season with clarity, dignity, and peace. And you don’t have to figure it out alone.
Transcript
Caregiver Guilt and Seeking Help
Caregivers are natural givers. You pour yourself out for your loved one. But when it comes time to ask for help, that guilty voice shows up. Linda said it perfectly during Ask the Dementia Coach. I hate to ask my sons for help. This is my job, not theirs. Have you ever felt that way? You’re worn out, you know you need a break, but you don’t want to burden your family. Here’s the truth. That guilt doesn’t protect anyone. It just leaves you drained and makes it harder for you to serve with patience and joy. Hey Christian Care Companion, welcome back to Dementia Caregiver Support for Christians, the podcast where I help Bible-believing Christians care for their own health and spiritual well-being while caregiving, so you can steward this season faithfully and walk with Christ. Today we’re talking about one of the most common struggles caregivers face, the guilt of receiving help.
Why it feels so heavy, and how reframing it can free you to endure this season with strength instead of exhaustion. But before we dive into today’s story with Linda, I want you to know something. You do not need to figure this out alone. That is why I created the Christian DigniCare Society. For less than $100, about the price of a nice dinner out, you’ll have lifetime access to steady faith-centered support, including monthly ask-me-anything calls where I answer your real questions, a monthly opportunity to pray with and for each other, and curated content that you can quickly get to and a safe place to ask me questions in between. And here’s a bonus.
If you join before the end of the year, like Linda did, I’ll meet you personally in a 15-minute welcome call to get you started in the community. The link is in the show notes or hop on our website, thinkdifferentdementia.com, to join today. Or if you’d like to start smaller, you can come join us live at the next Ask the Dementia Coach on September the 20th.
Navigating Family Dynamics in Caregiving
You’ll find that link at thinkdifferentdementia.com forward slash ask. Either way I do not want you to carry this alone now let’s hop into our conversation with Linda where we talk through asking for and receiving help as a caregiver all right Linda you’re.
Well, welcome, Ms. Linda. I’m excited that you’re here today. So, I’m going to take you through a series of questions that are designed to help you think through your caregiving journey in a different way, okay? So, if you look back six months from today and your caregiving journey is easier. What would need to happen for you to say that you have been able to steward it well, keeping in mind your health and your relationships in the process? So it could be things like, I’m less responsive, or I’m more at peace, or I’m not second-guessing things. So tell me what it means for you if things were a little bit easier in your caregiving journey? I think one of the things I need is to reach out to my children and ask them for specific times that.
During the month, maybe just once a month, that they could come and get their dad and do something. We’ve had that. July is our birthday month. All of my men are born in July. So we’ve had a lot of time together. And it’s so good for him. He loves it. And I hate to do that and ask it of them because they’re in that building time of their lives and their families. And I don’t want to hold them back from that in any way. But if I could just get them to take him for a few hours in an evening or on Saturday or Sunday, whatever they felt like they could do, and take him out. And getting away from home and do something that would be a huge deal. Wonderful. That is a very good place to start. So the second question is, what is getting in the way of you being able to do that? What’s stopping you from actually asking them to help you?
I don’t want to hold them back in any way from their jobs, their wives, their families. Okay. And Richard and I grew up without parents. Therefore, we didn’t have extended family as a part of our family. So I love it. I’m so grateful for it. It’s God’s gift. But it’s a new thing to navigate for me. And I am, I would say, really possessive about this is my job, not their job. I don’t want it to be put on them. But I know how great it can be for Richard to just have that little bit of time with the boys. So we’ll see. I’ve just got to do it They’ll do it if I ask them I’ve still
The Challenge of Receiving Help
got to do it This is such a wonderful question, Ms. Linda And might it be okay if I shared with you What my automatic gut response is To what you just said?
And I’m going to start it with a question, for you. And the question is, do you like helping other people? I don’t know anything else. I started raising my brothers and sisters when I was 10 years old, so I don’t know any of you. You know nothing else but being a giver, right? I’m trying to learn how to take some for me. It’s not so easy. So as a person who is a giver and as a woman who is a Proverbs 31 woman trying to balance it all, and by balance I don’t mean the same way the world talks about balance, I’m talking about stewardship here.
We love to give, right? And God gives, and He is the ultimate giver, right? He gives everything, and he literally doesn’t need anything in return, right? But that’s not the same thing for us as people. So when we have somebody who gives all the time, the hardest thing for them to do is to receive. Yeah. And we want to remember, what I want to challenge you with is, it feels good for you to give to other people, or else you wouldn’t do it, right? You’re a giver. In the same way, by not asking for help, you’re taking away your children’s ability to give to you.
And so sometimes just being able to reframe it in your brain, instead of saying to yourself, I hate to ask that, or I don’t want to hold them back, I want you to consider that we’re not holding them back. We are allowing them to grow into the people that they themselves are supposed to and meant to be, right? I hear you. Richard, just hang me in. Yes, ma’am. And he’s here, so I’d like to wait if you can. I will be respectful. I saw that. I saw that. I’m not going to necessarily stop, because I can answer the question in a way that is respectful, if that’s okay.
So, what I would love for you to consider is giving them the opportunity to serve you. And a very simple strategy, a very simple way of doing that is by structuring it in their week. So giving them choices, options, saying what you literally said, right? A few hours here, maybe a Saturday afternoon or an evening. But by expressing to them the specifics of what it would be to be helpful to
Finding Solutions Beyond Family
you gives them the opportunity to set up that time in their calendar and in their schedule. At the same time, manage your expectations in the sense of that no is a possible answer.
And if as head of households, because it sounded like there are some sons involved, right, their primary role, their primary function is to be the head of their household, their spouses, right? So if if the answer on their side is no they’re not able to what that tells us that answer is good and right because they’ve got to keep that in mind our human response is then to say but they don’t care about me or um you know all of these other things and i don’t want you to then take that no as that. I want you to take that no and use that no to come up with a solution for the specific problem, which could be members of the congregation, of church, friends, paid caregivers.
What you have identified is that you need some respite time. You need an opportunity for a break. So I would recommend start with your children, which I think is a good thing to give them the opportunity to have some additional time. And at the same time, provide you with the relief and the rest that you need. Be okay if they say no, but don’t take a no as I’m not going to do anything. Take the no as okay, they are not in a season in their own lives where they’re able to do that.
Taking Action for Self-Care
And that means I need to find the help and the respite from someone else. I got it. Okay. So based on what we just talked about, what is the one action step that you will take, after our conversation today to actually make this a little bit easier for yourself so that you can have a little bit of time.
I’ll think about that and I will send you an answer. I’m going to click out right now. Okay. Okay. It sounds good. All right. All right, Ms. Linda. Thank you so much. People who are really benefiting from the community are the people who joined earlier on before they need it and that have been active and are participating in the community because then they already know what questions to ask and they have a place to come and they’re not constantly wondering, what do I need to do? How do I need to do it? So people listening are interested in tapping into or learning about the community. I’d invite you to just go to the website, thinkdifferentdementia.com. There’s a link for you to schedule a 20-minute call. There’s no pressure. I’ll serve you regardless of whether you join the community or not, but it is a way for you to take this relationship a little deeper, a little bit more hands-on support, because really the research also shows its longitudinal support over time. Absolutely. Yeah, for sure. I would highly recommend Lizette. She’s awesome. I appreciate that endorsement.
