287. Can You Be More Ready To Be A Dementia Caregiver?

Caregiving Awareness

[0:00] She said to me, I’m not really a caregiver. I just call my dad every night to check if he ate dinner. [0:09] Another daughter tells me I only help my mom with her bills because numbers now are confusing her. Or maybe it’s you folding laundry, picking up medication, setting out the trash. You don’t call it caregiving, but that’s exactly what it is. And the truth is, most people don’t realize they’ve stepped into caregiving until they are already overwhelmed. The world says you’ll know you’re a caregiver when you start helping with bathing and feeding or full-time care, but scripture teaches us something different.

[0:50] God calls his people to wake up, to be watchful, to prepare, and to endure with his strength. That’s the picture of readiness that we are going to explore today. Hey Christian Care Companion, welcome back to Dementia Caregiver Support for Christians, the podcast where I teach Bible-believing Christians who are struggling to balance caregiving with their health, their marriage, their work, or their faith, who are carrying the emotional weight of caregiving alone, or who are shouldering the burden without the right support. How to move forward from chaos to clarity with biblical wisdom and practical help. And if you’re ready to take the next step beyond listening to the podcast, I’ve created something brand new just for you. It is called the Christian DigniCare Society for a one-time small investment of less than what it costs for two people to go out for dinner. You’ll get a lifetime access to monthly ask-me-anything calls.

[2:07] Prayer gatherings where we can lift one another up before the Lord, a supportive community of Christian caregivers just like you who get it, and curated content that you can return to anytime.

[2:23] This isn’t a monthly subscription, it’s a one-time commitment that gives you a lifetime of connection, clarity, and Christ-centered support. And for the first 100 people who join, I’ll personally walk you through the community in a 15-minute welcome call so you know where to find the help and encouragement from the beginning. The link is in your show notes. Now, if you’re not ready and want to start with something simple and free, don’t miss our next monthly workshop on Saturday, October the 4th at 12 p.m., where we will help you identify where you are in your caregiving journey and show you your next faithful step. You can register at thinkdifferentdementia.com forward slash WSL. Now let us hop into today’s episode about how you can be more ready to be a dementia caregiver. Most of us don’t wake up one morning ready to be a caregiver.

[3:35] Readiness is a process, and very many people do not even realize that they are in the role of a caregiver until they are drowning. Scripture shows us that God tells us to wake up, to be watchful, to count the cost, to prepare, and to persevere.

[3:59] And today we’re going to look at what it means to be more ready for caregiving from a biblical perspective and how you can take your next faithful step. Most people think about caregiving in the terms of the physical hands-on care that somebody needs who is unable to perhaps transfer or go to the bathroom or things like feeding, bathing, all of those kinds of things. That is what people believe is caregiving. But caregiving starts oftentimes, not always. If it is a slow change, caregiving starts insidious. It starts with just calling to check on someone or if you’re helping change a light bulb in the house or if you pick up a prescription on your way home or hundreds of little tasks that we do to help someone and it can be very subtle that we are shifting away from a.

[5:16] Normal situation, a normal relationship type of process, particularly if you are spouses, right? We help one another. We are wired to help one another. And the reality is the difference between caregiving and just helping someone because you’re a spouse is caregiving implies that that person no longer has the ability to do that particular task, or the risk of them doing that particular task outweighs the benefit in your mind of them doing the task. So for example, a person might be perfectly capable of still getting on a ladder and changing out a light bulb, But if you are worried that they’re going to fall and break a hip, or if you’re worried that they are not going to do it safely and you step in to take over that task.

[6:24] That means the person is not able to do that particular function anymore. I’ll use my husband and I as an example. I have always paid our bills ever since we’ve been married. I’m just the one that pays the bills. I don’t know how it came about. We never had a conversation about it, but I’m the one that pays the bills. Is my husband capable of paying our bills? Absolutely, 100%.

[6:51] And if he needed to now take over paying our bills because I’m forgetting or because something has changed, that means that even though I’m able to take care of myself, in our relationship, he has now become a caregiver. He is taking over a caregiving role.

[7:12] And so when we are unaware that we are actually caregivers, we are setting ourselves up for failure.

The Journey of Readiness

[7:21] And sometimes we are not the ones that are unaware. Likely, if you’re listening to this podcast, you are full aware that you are a caregiver. You either have a diagnosis or you know you can see the signs and symptoms, things are changing. And so you are likely already aware that you are a caregiver and there may be people in your life that are unaware. And these people inadvertently can be causing you stress or struggles because of their unawareness. And so the first thing that we’re going to look at today is how to look at the different changes that a person goes through to go from unaware to awareness and we’re fully prepared for a caregiving journey. So the first thing is we have to go from being unaware to aware. Proverbs 12 verse 15 says, The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but a wise man listens to advice. The reality is the I’m just helping mom.

[8:35] Defines you already as a caregiver, defines a person already as a caregiver. And being aware of the problem already is showing God’s grace to you that he has opened your eyes to a reality so that you can respond faithfully. Awareness is the starting point of being a good steward.

[9:07] It is God’s mercy that he is shaking us up from unawareness and helping us see the situation for what it truly is. For caregivers, this awareness may come through a diagnosis, a constant difficult day or the slow recognition that something just isn’t right. Even though this can be painful, it is a gift. You cannot respond faithfully to a situation that you are not ready to acknowledge. And so grace-filled awareness doesn’t condemn us, it invites us. It is God’s way of saying to us, here is the truth, here is the reality, walk in it with me. By God’s Spirit, He gives us the courage to face reality and the strength to take the first step forward. But we have to go from being unaware to aware. I’ll never forget this, and this is why I say sometimes these people may be family members in your situation. I had a conversation with a young man at church whose dad has dementia.

[10:31] And I asked him how his mom was doing, and his response to me was that she was doing fine. And my automatic response in my head, I didn’t say it, my inhibition switch worked, was that, no, she’s not. You’re just unaware. You are just not aware of the burden that she is caring because you are on the outside looking in. So if you are an adult child or a grandchild and you see, you know, you’re aware that there is a diagnosis, but you see your mom, you see your grandparent, and they look like they’re doing okay.

[11:15] We are somewhat maybe missing the boat because they are still maybe in that stage of caregiving where they can adapt and adapt and adapt and take on more and more and more because God has given us the ability to change and adapt, but they are really not doing okay. And with this level of awareness that you may now carry, I ask you to consider reaching out and starting to come up with some tangible

From Unaware to Aware

[11:50] ways that you can build in some support for that parent who is the caregiver.

[11:56] But the second step is now being watchful. So we go from unaware to aware, then we have to pay attention, we have to watch. So Colossians 4 verse 2 says, continue steadfastly in prayer, being watchful in it with thanksgiving. So just because we become aware of something, now we actually have to stay watchful with thanksgiving. And I know this is something I talk about a lot on the podcast. I know I’ve spoken about it before. I do episodes on gratitude and thanksgiving in dementia and dementia caregiving, usually around thanksgiving. But we are, if we are believers, we are to still be thankful to God for this particular providence, for this particular situation. And so once we are aware, we can become more watchful. We can begin to notice patterns. We can begin to start to address the problems, the elephant in the room, because the reality of the matter is, if you were helping, if you love somebody living with dementia.

[13:16] And this is one of my soapboxes, if they live long enough, they will require 24-hour care. If the person living with dementia lives long enough, they will need 24-hour care. But the healthcare system, if you ask that question, will my husband need 24-hour care, likely will tell you something like, maybe, because the reality is some people never get there. They pass away before they get to 24-hour care. And the reality is, if that person had lived long enough with that particular process, those particular actual physical changes to their brain occurring, they will need 24-hour care. But because we don’t say that out loud, we cannot be watchful and we cannot prepare. And so readiness starts with us being vigilant, paying attention to the changes that we are seeing in light of God calling you, and it is a calling. It’s an external calling of the Lord for you to be a caregiver.

[14:41] Vigilance does not mean just anxiously waiting. It is a posture of faith. To be vigilant means you’re awake.

[14:52] Alert, and attentive to what God is doing and to the needs of people around you. In caregiving, vigilance shows up in noticing the changes before it becomes a crisis, in listening, in learning, in becoming sensitive to how God is nudging you in this journey through his word and his spirit because he does nudge you. I’ll use myself as an example. For anybody who has been in my paid community knows that I have said, I will never live with my dad. I will never live with my dad. That was one of my mantras. I had plans, I’ve been watchful, I’m prepared, and I said those words, I will not live with my dad. And the reality is, overnight, literally, I kid you not, overnight, the Lord changed my heart through his word and his spirit to say, yes, this is the right thing for us. At this time in my dad’s life and in our lives to move in with my dad and help take care of him.

[16:11] Readiness doesn’t happen in isolation. It grows, it changes as we stay watchful, guarding against our own sinful desires, our own complacency, our own distraction, and trusting that the Lord will supply exactly what you need, when you need it, for the people that he is calling into this particular journey. Jesus said in Mark 13, verse 37, and what I say to you, I say to all, stay awake. The third thing that we look at after going from unaware to aware to watchful is stewardship. Stewardship is the fourth phase of the journey that I take Christian caregivers through because.

[17:07] Stewardship is the thing that we have to do, that we are called to do in this journey. Because it is not just for us to survive this. This is a part of your growth in Christ. This is a part of how you need to look at stewarding everything in your own sphere of influence, your own world. Luke 14 verse 28 says, for which of you desiring to build a tower does not first sit down and count the cost, whether he has enough to complete it. And then 1 Corinthians 4 verse 2 says, moreover, it is required, not recommended, required of stewards that they be found faithful. Thank you.

[18:03] The reality is, as a caregiver, there are three things that you have to steward and steward well in order to navigate this caregiving journey well. The first one is the actual skills that you need in order to be an effective caregiver. How to talk to the person, how to redirect them, how to transfer them when they get to the point of needing transfers, how to help somebody take a shower and maintain their modesty. Those things are actual skills that people can learn, that you as a caregiver can learn to do better in order to steward this journey well. The second thing that we have to steward are our resources. And everybody always thinks about resources in terms of money. Yes, money is a resource, but it is not the only resource that you are asked to steward. You are to steward your time, your energy, your ability to continue to manage your finances.

[19:25] Your relationships, all of those are resources as well. And you are to steward those things well in light of this particular journey. And the third thing that we are required to steward and to steward well is taking care of yourself. You are to steward your own life and well-being in this process too. So God calls you to steward your entire role faithfully and honestly, facing the reality of the situation with courage and trusting his grace for every single step that you take and honoring the person that you love in this particular journey and for each person this looks different but the principles are the same stewardship is not pretending that it isn’t hard. It is walking truthfully in front of God. For caregivers, this may mean acknowledging the weight of caregiving and the weight of dementia, but without despair, and then responding wisely.

[20:48] Prayerfully, and taking action. It is a daily choice for us to lean on Christ’s sufficiency, knowing that his strength is made perfect in weakness.

Stewardship in Caregiving

[21:02] Christ’s strength is made perfect in your and my weakness. And when caregivers steward their journey honestly and faithfully, they bring order where there is chaos and dignity where there can be neglect. Kind stewardship reflects the heart of your and my master who entrusted you as a steward with his gifts,

The Importance of Discernment

[21:32] not to be perfect, but to be faithful. Then the fourth thing that we have to look at is discernment. So we go from unaware to aware, then we go from aware to watching, watching to stewarding, and then discerning. You need to be a discerning caregiver. Discernment, the other word for it is judgment or wisdom.

[22:02] So Proverbs 27 verse 12 says, The prudent sees danger and hides himself, but the simple go on and suffer for it. And then I love Proverbs. I read through the book of Proverbs once a month. Every day of the week, I read the equivalent Proverbs. So I read Proverbs 16, and it talks about, you know, the Lord will direct your steps. A man will plan, but the Lord directs his steps. Proverbs 15 verse 22 says, without counsel, plans fail, but with many advisors, they succeed. And the reality is that unless you have, and even when you have a professional background in healthcare.

[22:55] Many, it’s been fascinating to me, many people who are reaching out to me are Christian healthcare providers. It really surprised me because I’m like, well, you guys know all of this, but Christian healthcare providers who know this are reaching out to me because they do not have the body of knowledge to anticipate the problems for themselves. The reality is that you need to seek wise counsel, discerning counsel, and seek advice and make careful adjustments because discernment is wisdom applied. Judgment is wisdom. It’s practical boots on the ground, wisdom applied. God does not call you as a caregiver to live in reaction mode, to stumble from one emergency to the next. He gives you wisdom to steward what you are coping with right now, and he gives you wisdom to prepare for the future. And when we apply that wisdom as good judgment, we create space to sleep well, to not be panicking all the time, to have a sense of peace throughout this journey because you can have peace. It is possible.

[24:23] Discernment means looking ahead with wisdom, not to control the outcome, but to be ready for possible challenges. Wisdom discernment requires you to make decisions in light of the actual reality, acknowledging that dementia can be hard, but that we can still faithfully navigate it. Discernment means choosing faith over fear, recognizing that preparing is an act of trust in God’s providing exactly what you need when you need it. Not before you need it, when you need it. And discernment means preventing avoidable crises.

[25:13] There are some things that we can avoid. We cannot avoid all crises because you do not know if somebody is going to have a heart attack or a stroke. But there are things that we can avoid. And I teach my clients this all the time. It is okay to out loud say that you are prepared to take the crisis because you’ve thought through all of the possibilities as opposed to make the changes earlier on. Now, what do I mean by that? I have a client who has been helping her mom stay in independent living with 24-hour caregivers or close to 24-hour caregivers because she does not want her mom to move to memory care too early. And we have spoken it out loud that because of that decision to wait.

[26:14] They will be living in the crisis at some point or another when it happens. And it is okay to decide that. The difference is you’ve made an active decision to choose that path. So some crisis can be prevented, throw rugs, picking them up, preventing falls, those kinds of things. So for the Christian caregiver, discernment isn’t just calculating things. It is stewardship in action. It is living out James 1 verse 5, where it says, if any of you lack wisdom.

[26:50] Let him ask of God who gives generously to all without reproach,

Preparation for the Future

[26:55] and it will be given to you. And then next we look at preparation.

[27:02] Being prepared means that you have looked at all of the situations that you can specifically immediately after you get a diagnosis, ensuring that your legal paperwork is put in place. The reality is so many people do not want to have that conversation and so they do not prepare. And so preparation, the first step of preparation when you become a caregiver is ensuring that all the legal documents are set up, whatever that looks like in your particular situation. Proverbs 24 verse 27 says, prepare your work outside, get everything ready for yourself in the field, and then after, after you have prepared, then you build your house. So the foundational things that you need in place is, anybody over 18 years old needs a will. Anybody over 18 years old needs a healthcare power of attorney. Anybody over 18 years old needs a durable power of attorney. Those three things you need to have in place once you turn 18 years old. And if you don’t, you need to get them in place for yourself now. And if your parent or your spouse doesn’t, you need to get them in place before they are not capable of making that decision for themselves.

[28:26] And so the principle is being prepared is being obedient.

[28:32] Faithfully equipping yourself with what God provided you so you can move from unaware into being ready. Obedience doesn’t mean waiting passively for the circumstances to overwhelm you. It means using today to prepare for tomorrow, drawing on what God teaches in His Word, using His wisdom and the practical resources that He placed in your hands. Preparation is an act of faith, showing that you trust Him enough to be ready for what he already knows is coming. And then the last thing that we’re going to look at, and we had an episode about

Endurance in the Caregiver’s Journey

[29:10] this not too long ago, and that is endurance or perseverance or taking action, right? So Galatians 6 verse 9 says, And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up. The reality in caregiving is you are going to make multiple decisions. Your plans are going to change. We are going to adjust and readjust as things change with dementia, but you are required to endure in faith. And so the principle is biblical readiness will result in perseverance. It doesn’t result in perfection, but it results in endurance through Christ.

[29:57] Readiness in the Christian life isn’t about having every answer or carrying out every plan flawlessly. Plans are going to change. It is about being equipped both in your heart and your mind so that when these trials come, not if, when these trials come, you can endure the trial without giving up. For caregivers, this means recognizing that things are going to happen. There are going to be setbacks. you are going to be tired. There are going to be bad days. They’re going to be imperfect days. And they are not a sign of you failing. You’re not failing. But it is an opportunity for you to both learn, take action, and rely on Christ.

[30:44] Ask for help. One of my clients, when I met with her the first time, I asked her what her outcome in this journey, what she wanted it to be. And she said, growing in the fruit of the Spirit. Well, I can guarantee you being a caregiver is going to either grow you in the fruit of the Spirit or it’s not going to grow you in the fruit of the Spirit. But if you are humble and if you are open to guidance, then you can grow in the fruit of the Spirit as a dementia caregiver.

[31:15] Perseverance is the fruit of being ready. You stay the course, not because you’re strong, but because Christ is strong. Hebrews 12, verse 1 and 2 remind us we are called to run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and the perfecter of our faith. So, your takeaways for today. Awareness is God’s grace. Name that you are a caregiver. Be aware that you are a caregiver. Watchfulness is vigilance. You need to look and pay attention and not be what I call the ostrich and have your head in the sand. Stewardship is being faithful. Count the cost before God and know that he has already equipped you with the resources that you will need in this journey, Not because you’re necessarily going to have too many, but you will have exactly what you need. But steward the gifts that he has given you faithfully.

[32:23] Discernment is wisdom. Anticipate, seek, find counsel. If you need help, sign up for a 20-minute free consultation. I’d be happy to show you what counsel can look like in your particular situation. Preparation is being obedient using what god has provided for you and action taking action is perseverance it will help you run the race with endurance in christ so where are you in this are you unaware going to aware are you being watchful are you stewarding things well are you needing discernment about what to do? Are you prepared and taking action? Where are you and what faithful step can you take to go to the next stage or part of this journey? This is a journey and yes, it is not a linear journey because stewarding is going to be the whole entire journey. Preparing, action, taking discernment, all of these are faithful steps that you can take to continue to navigate this journey well.

[33:44] And if you haven’t yet signed up and you’re looking for a little bit more help, please hop on my calendar. I’d be happy to have a conversation with you. I promise you, I will listen and I will serve you to the best of my abilities. And if you like these episodes, please email me at Lizette at ThinkDifferentDementia.com. I really would love to hear from you. I do actually answer those emails by myself. Maybe not immediately, but I do answer them. So please reach out and tell me what’s helpful to you. I’d love to know. I want to make this a podcast that serves you as a faithful Christian caregiver who is a Proverbs 31 woman or an Ephesians 5 man. And so, as I end all of these podcasts, may the Lord bless you and keep you, and I will see you in next week’s episode.